As much as I dislike Hockers, I miss them dearly. Northern California has no real hockers. There are several potential hockers but nothing that truly fits the guy who grew up in Flatbush and dropped out of Touro to become a Nursing Home Administrator. We don’t have hatzoloh and it’s rude to talk on bluetooth — not to mention that there are hardly enough FFB’s to make them into hockers.
Stuff Hockers Like:
Hot Chanies: All of the true hockers have hot chanies as wives (they aren’t necessarily hot, but they have the look), which they show off at weddings while their wife stands by their side and rarely talks. A hockers wife only wears the best sheitles, eats sushi for lunch and drives a brand new Honda Odyssey or Acura MDX – hocker’s wives cars are usually black or silver.
Bluetooth: There is nothing more hocker than davening with a Bluetooth in your ear. Come to think of it, the Bluetooth is essential to the hocker lifestyle. Prior to Bluetooth it was 3 cell phones and prior to cell phones it was pagers. Hockers are always the first ones after shabbos to have a Bluetooth in their ear and they are most likely to have a conversation while on line at the grocery store.
Lease Deals: Hockers love leasing cars, and they love talking about the deal they got. They tend to do this during shul. What kind of hocker goes to shul to daven? They go to hock. For some reason hockers love Lexus’s, Maximas, and Infiniti G35’s and as always they should be in black and have lots of antennas and lights in them.
Sideburns: No idea how it happened but hockers seem to have longer sideburns than the average frummy.
Knowing Guys: If I had a nickel for every time some hocker guy said “I know a guy…” to me I would be rich. If I had a nickel for every time the hocker actually followed through, I would be just as rich. Hockers lover showing off their networking prowess until it actually comes to networking – hockers love to make deals and hook people up with guys they know, in theory.
Miami: Hockers love going to Miami. They have to rent a convertible and go jet skiing when they are there and then when they come back they have to show off how they love spending weekends in Miami.
Jewish Geography: Hockers love to say they know you from somewhere. Usually it’s just an opening into the classic game of “where do you daven and work?” and once in a blue moon they actually do know you. Hocker JG has be done in hocker Brooklyn speak and it usually quite militant and designed to make you feel worthless.
Hatzoloh: How hatzoloh became the hock of the town is beyond me. Sure, driving around in a overweight SUV with lights flashing on your way to a shabbos afternoon heart attack sounds great, but does that mean that hockers have hearts?
Kiddush Clubs: The whole concept of a Kiddush club is to discuss the hock while the rabbi drones on about saying an extra tehilim for Israel. Talk usually centers around deals, scams, politics and scotch.
Grilling: Hockers love barbecue and they hock about grills and who has the best meat.
Racism: Hockers love throwing around the N word. Hockers are usually the guys in yeshiva that had initiative and didn’t want to be poor kollel guys. Based on the N word usage in yeshiva, hockers use it a lot more because they are out in the world.
Other things hockers like:
Tall velvet yarmulkes
Guns
Dov Hikind
Fancy glasses
Steak
Shomrim
Cell Phones
Brooklyn
Polo Shirts
Fancy strollers
Calling people Reb Yid
Interrupting you
Miami Tall velvet yarmulkes
Shawarma
The Five Towns
Stuff hockers don’t like:
Listening: if hockers actually listen to a word you say they are obviously not hockers. Hockers have to get the first and last word into a conversation to show you who’s boss. They are usually talking on the phone anyway.
Minivans: Hockers refrain from driving minivans. Instead they buy very large SUVs to fit all of their family in the car. When the hockers wife drives the large SUV she loves to use two lanes, she never uses her blinker and really enjoys double parking.
BTs: go watch a hocker talk with a BT, I made a video about it. It’s always condescending. It’s kind of like “what’s wrong with you?”
Liberals: Frum people hate liberals in general, but since hockers always “know” some politicians and think they know politics they show even more disdain than regular frummies.
Intelligence: hockers always need to feel superior to people, so when they meet someone who knows more about something than they do it creates issues for their self esteem.
Milchigs: hockers are meat and potatoes kind of guys. They want to eat steak, cholent and maybe sushi – but they don’t eat dairy.
Trees: when hockers move up in the world they will probably move somewhere and buy a house. The first order of the day is to make it look as huge and obnoxious as possible. In order to allow everyone to see the house they tear out all of the trees and plant little shrubs in their place.
Black Hats: Real hockers don’t wear hats, they used to wear them as kids, but now they wear their tall black velvet yarmulkes. They are either going bald, or have a crop of hair right in front of their yarmulke with which they are always playing.
Other things hockers don’t like:
College
Modern Orthodox people
Small cars
Science
Waiting in line – they always find an excuse to cut the line
Shorts
Women working – unless it’s an at home business like portraits, washing sheitles or an online business
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Brilliant Heshy
Seems to me that “hocker” is a euphemism for Republican.
No it’s more like a well dressed Guido
Totally J-Guido. Many work at B&H.
Loved it, proud hocker right here. almost every one dead on.
Though you forgot our houses in the catskills, wallmart et al, though that probably deserves a post on its own.
Well done, I liked the skit on youtube too.
Love it! The beginning, where its all about cell phones, blue tooth, deals and knowing/hooking up people is totally right on about my husband… is there such a thing as a goy hocker? Maybe he’s a first.
Or maybe he’s just a big maher and has that in common with this most fabulous group
Where can I get one of these t-shirts? I’ll go get him one.
Vacations. Hockers love vacations, according to my neighbor’s daughter who has gone out with a few hockers. They always ask where she has gone on vacation. According to one: “for it to be a vacation you have to fly, and it has to be for more than 3 days.”
Hockers don’t also like women wearing pants but they seem to be fine with the Hot ( or not so Hot ) Hindys wearing tight skirts that are a good 3 + inches above their knees. They criticize the Modern Orthdox while trying to emulate them without divorcing themselves from Yeshivish standards. I would consider renaming Hockers to Metrodox ( which shall be explained another time if its not self explanatory anyways ).
Hahaha – is that like a metrosexual but for Jews?
Very funny and true the video made me laugh the guy is very naive, I don’t know any hockers. non of my 5 brothers fit the bill
The video was staged, the guy who is the hocker is kind of a hocker, but the guy in the tub is a hilarious dude who grew up yeshivish and is now in the disenfranchised yeshiva crowd.
“Grew up yeshivish?” Bit of a stretch. The “Hocker” actually does an excellent yeshivish impression. He should consult on your yeshivish related posts.
what about this they like to watch and spaek about the Yankees they are big fans? and they like to invest in the stock market by themself rather then with a stock broker? hay after all they know best?!
So, I’m guessing Hockers are some kind of Orthodox Jews?
It’s a hard thing to explain if you don’t know what they are
Like my Polish friend, I had no idea what a hocker is and I am very well acquainted with Flatbush and the Five Towns. Maybe my brain filtered them out.
But based on these descriptions I am getting the point. Do they tend to wear knit polos and have bellies?
There are MO hockers….. trust me!
When I’m in Monsey, I see so many Jews with the douchey headset look.
More douchebags with bluetooths (or is that blueteeth?).
http://bluetoothdouchebag.com/
I was thinking the exact same thing – not about Monsey but that hockers may be a something like a “frum douchebag”
ohh the video was very staged, good job
I think you mean the tall CLOTH yarmulkas?
Other thing hockers like: Double park outside Subsational at 1AM and shmooze with 5 other hockers.
In many ways, Frum Satire’s hockers are the Orthodox counterpart to the proverbial Joneses that gentiles must keep up with. I am thankful that in the two shuls I go to, we have no true hockers. We have plenty of characters, but thankfully no showboaters who hock the spotlight.
The sideburns thing started in the early 90′s in imitation of Luke Perry’s character on Beverly Hills 90210. The fad refuses to die.
Are mochers the same thing as hockers? Is a macher just a hocker with a tuna beigal accent?
A macher is older than a hocker. There are age limits on hockerhood.
I believe there are 4 categories:
hockers, machers, schvitzers and tutzuchs.
I’m not sure what the differences are.
Mochers are totally *not* Hockers. Mochers are like middle age people of influence in the community. Often they have money.
Don’t forget keys. Machers and hockers love
their keys! They also love getting behind the police yellow caution tape ( especially on lag ba’omer in BP) and “giving the cops a hand” but it usually just pisses off the cops.
I love guns. But I think I am closer to being a redneck than to a Hocker becuase I do hate Abraham Lincoln and am happy that he got assasinated.
That’s funny. I like guns. And I’m sorry Lincoln treated the terrorists with kid gloves. Davis, Lee and the rest of that crew of traitors should have been hanged and their bodies left for the crows.
The South’s unslakable lust for the abominable trade in human flesh is one of the vilest chapters of our history. But the scum still talk about it as “culture” and “pride”. Just goes to show that there are no depths some people won’t sink to.
“The South’s unslakable lust for the abominable trade in human flesh is one of the vilest chapters of our history.”: The Civil War was not about slavery. That was the consequence of the Civil War, it was about other factors. Civil War was not for ending slavery, that was its implications, and Lincoln very clearly has said that if he can win the war without ending slavery then he would do it. This is part of the reason why I hate Lincoln and happy he got assasinated.
“The Civil War was not about slavery.”
The Civil War was about different things to different people. I would agree that it wasn’t the primary factor, but you cant disassociate the war from slavery. The issue of slavery had been highly divisive since this country began. It is interesting to note that Roert E. Lee was opposed to slavery while U.S. Grant actually owned a slave at one point.
“I would agree that it wasn’t the primary factor, but you cant disassociate the war from slavery.”: I never tried to imply that slavery was not part of the Civil War I just wanted to emphasize to understand that the ending of slavery was not the cause of the Civil War. It was the effect (an important effect) of the war. And I was also saying that the North has some errors in their Civil War understanding, one of which is to turn Lincoln into a demi-god.
Fair enough.
ROFL she’b'ROFLim.
However, about the racism part, hocker racism is different than other frum racism, because hockers will make it a point to interject, “no offense” or “you know I don’t mean you, but…” Perhaps from being out in the world, they realize when they’re about to be a ???? more than a shtetl-dweller?
That is so true – but they also have this racism that goes “you know the difference between black people and N’s right”
Can you be down-to-earth and still be a hocker? Or do you have to be douchy to maintain your hockerness?
I don’t understand the relationship between hockers and Hatzolah.
My first view of it was a classmate in seventh grade who had a hatzolah radio and would ride his bike to all calls that he could.
Are you kidding??????
Hockers don’t like the idea of women working?
I’ve dated many hockers and can say that any hocker worth his salt wants a girl with a good job and a loaded daddy. They want to show off what a lucrative deal they made at the next kiddush club. The only hockers who don’t want their wives to work are the Sephardic ones. They feel that a wife’s job is proof of their inability to earn.
Hockers, since they don’t go to college and were often not the best students, they are definitely looking for a woman with money. They don’t want to marry doctors or lawyers, too intimidating to them, but they would love a kindergarten teacher and rich FIL.