Traif is a new restaurant that says it is going to celebrate pork and shellfish and I find it really funny, some of you may find it sad that a Jewish guy is opening up a restaurant devoted to his favorite foods which happen to be the farthest from kosher you can possibly get, but I just find it hilarious and anyone who eats vegetarian out can’t go there and try some of that left wing modern orthodox funny stuff because everything is Traif @ Traif.
Thanks to the first commenter I decided to add what I would do if I were to open a mamish Traif restaurant.
Heshy Fried has decided to open the worlds first all Traif Restaurant:
Featuring favorites such as non-bodek lettuce, unchecked strawberries in a non-mevushel vinaigrette.
We even have cholov yisroel hard cheese made from rennet.
Be sure to check out the weekly mothers milk specials – including kid goat cooked in mothers milk and roast brisket of beef cooked like bubbe used to make it with the added flavor of cholov yisroel milk.
We have pas yisroel and yoshon flour, don’t worry someone took challah but it was baked on shabbos by Jews.
Our Salad bar features many choices of unchecked leafy greens that are sure to add crunch with all those invisible bugs that we didn’t wash off.
Our water is unfiltered even though we are located in Brooklyn where the infestation happened.
Those blood spots in your omelet add a real flavor.
We bet you never had glatt kosher pork before, all the mooms and chalev has been removed.
Chassidishe shechita filet minion.
A full desert menu featuring triangle-K favorites such as little debbie cakes, wonder bread french toast and motts applesauce.
All of our wine is non-mevushal and we make sure to have idol worshipers open the bottles and look at the wine before it’s served.
A mashgiach temidi is on hand to make sure our products are as traif as possible – he is a certified apikorus, kofer and one of the last remaining believers of Shabetai Tzvi.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Brooklyn’s Traif Bike Geschaft, in contrast, isn’t really traif at all — a bike shop where hipsters and Satmar chassidism come together to learn about, rent and bike bicycles. Sounds awesome.
http://www.forward.com/articles/112918/
I know all about it – was there when Baruch was dreaming up this whacky idea – he introduced me to Gottliebs Deli which is the last glatt kosher old school deli left in NY.
It would be entertaining if he went as far as possible to be traif-only.
i.e. the only beverages available are unfiltered NYC tapwater and non-mevushal wine.
Ok I’m editing this post – thanks for the idea.
actually, i wish we could find those sephardim who allegedly know how to properly use the hind quarter. if there’s one cut of meat i miss it’s t-bone steak… it can be kosher, with the right shochet.
What do you mean “allegedly”? They’ve been doing it since the Temple. It’s only the Ashkenazi who have strayed from their older, original minhag and have forbidden what G-d permitted.
Ashkenazim didn’t forbid the hind quarter. It’s just that in the West it’s cheaper to sell the hind quarter on the non-kosher meat market than it is to go through the work of deveining it. It’s an economic decision, not a halachic one.
That’s strange. My (Orthodox) rabbi and the local Chabad one have always said the Ashkenazim have a tradition of not knowing how to remove the tendon, so the entire hindquarter is forbidden. Looking it up for myself – rather than trusting the rabbis’ judgment – you seem to be right. Thanks for the correction.
Throwing away that much meat always seemed to be a waste bordering on sin.
they don’t throw it away. They sell it to goyim.
LOL some of your ideas are so traif even non-Jews wouldn’t try it.
Your restaurant would have to serve nothing but leavened bread and grain items during Pesach too? No Kosher for Passover Matzah for sure.
BBQ Pulled Pork w Rennet Cheese, unchecked lettuce and tomato, vinegar that’s yayim nesach, just like Bubbe made…
Ugh. Maybe I’m just a closet frummie, but I usually can’t stand the taste of pork. And its smell is even worse!
Shellfish give me horrific migraines, so I stay away from them.
I’m not sure whether this is a critique or a compliment: but your menu is a real mix of serious treif and thinks that would be perfectly acceptable to observant Conservatives (cheese), and probably many modern Orthocox as well (the salad bar, since I suspect many MO have not enlisted in the haredi War on Vegetables).
So… not treif enough!
Negative. I have not once eaten in an MO home where the leaves were all carefully inspected for bugs. I have been pretty hardcore about checking all produce for bugs since I broke open a date and found a small insect ready for providing protein.
Then you really don’t want to eat figs. If the Sages had known what provides the crunch in figs they wouldn’t have either.
It’s the bodies of tiny wasps which live inside the fig.
1. When a female wasp dies inside an edible fig, an enzyme in the fig called ficin breaks down her carcass into protein. The fig basically digests the dead insect, making it a part of the resulting ripened fruit. The crunchy bits in figs are seeds, not anatomical parts of a wasp.
http://animals.howstuffworks.com/insects/fig-wasp2.htm
I’m thinking of something a little different. Several species of edible fig contain large numbers of wasps which spend their entire lifecycle inside the fruit. In that case the crunchy bits include whole wasp exoskeletons. My wife did some of her graduate research on them.
Does your resaurant serve gebrucks on Pesach?
What about your Yom Kippur lunch specail?
Don’t forget the non-yemenite grasshoppers.
How about some bacon wrapped shrimps served with cheese made from camel’s milk to dip in.
Balut – embryonic chicks which have developed to the point where they’re almost hatched – of vulture served with the flesh of the mother in the style of canard au sang or “strangled duck served in its own blood”.
The Yom Kippur Lunch Special
Rocky mountain oysters from newly castrated (living) piglets served with a cheese of its mother’s milk. The cheese is, of course, made with rennet from a calf that died of tuberculosis with plenty of lung adhesions. The whole thing is cooked over Moloch’s sacrificial altar by a Jew on Shabbos until the meat is bloody rare.
The dish will be served on a bed of bug-infested greens – raised in Israel during the Sabbatical Year – by a menstruating waitress who sits on the bench next to you. To accompany you’ll get a glass from a bottle of wine dedicated to Baal.
ROFLMAO!!!
Holy crap, that’s funny.
Oh, yes. The water in your glass was left overnight in the cobra’s water dish at the zoo’s reptile exhibit.
Price of the meal includes burial in complimentary asbestos underwear. Because after a meal like this you’re going to need it…
… and all the cooks are niddah shiksa women…
niddah doesn’t apply to non-Jews….
Actually all of the cooks would be married women that never went to the mikvah, didn’t cover their hair and purposely touched you when you ordered.
Okay, you’ve made us all bulimic. Back to the bike shop, there is a good reason Satmar chassidim don’t ride bikes. Have you ever tried to get bicycle chain grease out of white socks?
Holy crap… This is funny
This is hilarious…. should I expect the next big thing to be an S&M shop called Toevah?
JEW VS. JEW….Like someone once told me “it takes a Jew to destroy another Jew” they know us best. I do not keep Kosher but do not take pleasure in knowing that I am going against the grain. Maybe you were forced into a religion you do not believe or maybe you just want to differentiate yourself. Either way Traif is nasty even if I was a gentile I wouldn’t eat there.
The business man who came up by mocking where he came from, therefor you aint going no where.
{ 1 trackback }