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Rules for New Yorkers visiting Miami for pesach

By Zalmy Fny Silver

I am not a fan of writing words in caps – but I didn’t feel like editing the whole thing…

1- You CAN, I repeat, CAN make a FREAKING RIGHT TURN ON RED!! The only place in the entire USA where for some goddamn reason you CANT, is NY. So, TURN! TURN! TURN! isn’t it wonderful?!

2 – I know this is VERY HARD to understand, but in normal cities, the concept of simply stopping your car in a fully functional lane of traffic, even for thirty seconds, is NOT DONE!!! If I see you double park, you will be calling a tow truck home, due to the four flat tires on your car.

(FORTUNATELY, like every other normal non overcrowded craphole, we have this amazing thing called a “parking lot”. It is a designated area where, for a SMALL fee, you can park your car while you shop/eat/talk to all your friends from ny who, even though they live around the corner from you, you only see in miami. PLEASE- I know a big empty flat space is very enticing, but please refrain from building a “co-op” or “sushi restaurant” on it. It ‘s for parking only!) … See More

3- People actually are NOT in FREAKING SUPER RUSH to get everywhere. For one, its Miami Beach. People actually enjoy life there. Also, its vacation, for, gods sake! PLEASE, do NOT, I REPEAT, do NOT HONK THE MICROSECOND THE LIGHT CHANGES TO GREEN! We actually can afford the time to wait 1 whole second for the light to change before switching our foot from the brake pedal to the gas. If you HONK at me, you will be LIMPING home! Got that, tough guy?

Also, PLEASE refrain from honking at- people driving the speed limit, kids crossing the street, crossing guards, people in wheelchairs, air molecules, and all the other things nyers apparently honk at.

4- YES, it REALLY IS super obvious you are a NYER. You’re wearing khaki shorts, a polo shirt, clogs/sandals, and a FREAKIN YANKEES HAT! Also, you are most probably burnt to a crisp. Believe it or not, your disgustingly pale white skin, which hasnt seen the sun for six month straight, is NOT all of a sudden ready for 90 degree sunlight. You will NOT get a hot tan to show the one person on your block in ny who didn’t go to Miami. You WILL, however, become redder than a bais Yaakov girl on her first shidduch date when she accidentally touches the boys hand reaching for the water , and, most probably, begin shedding like a snake. WEAR SUNSCREEN. God.

5- PLEASE, whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT complain about how “slow” the service is in your restaurant of choice. Do you want to KNOW why its slow? HINT: in the SUMMER, when none of you damn nyers are here, the service is FAST. Got it?

(what they need is TWO separate lines- for residents, and for nyers. I ALSO freaking hate that I have to wait an hour for a slice of pizza b.c of you and your 15 kids- so, you BETTER not open your mouth about it, b/c I will probably knock your teeth in)

Ps. Four slices with extra cheese, 2 curly fries, a slice of cheesecake—- and a DIET coke. You people crack me up!…

six- we know you think you are coolest person on planet earth with your rented chrsyler sebring convertible or mustang. You are not. (Thank you (however, DO rent them. It will make it THAT much easier to figure out who’s tires to slash)

(Also, Believe it or not, the Miami girls aren’t impressed with 4 pasty white, glasses wearing jewish nyers wearing Yankees hats and blasting R and B music from their crappy rental car.)

PS. YES, she IS too young 😉

SEE YOU ON THE BOARDWALK!

Just piping in here – while we are on the subject of the pesach in Miami thing, I have heard unconfirmed reports of women who go out to the beach wearing snoods/sheitles and two piece bikinis…has anyone seen this?

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Ra’ananInAlbany

    Sorry Hesh, Albany isn’t the place to catch sheitels and bikinis. We do have rednecks in tank tops with short shorts, no teeth, and nearly shaved heads, sometimes with rat tails.

  • I see this guy is not a resident of Miami (or if he is, he hasn’t acclimated). The big red flag was when he said not to honk when the light turns green. Miamians actually taught New Yorkers how to do that! The drivers there are hardly patient.

    • This guy is a Miamian living in New York

      • Very odd; did he leave Miami a long time ago?

    • Rebecca Selanikio

      Totally false!! In any traffic including rush hour, miami natives NEVER honk. It’s rude and noisy. We hate noise. Sure we’ll cut you off because new yorkers drive outrageously slow to take in the ‘view’ but the only time honking will occur is to correct a driver if they drift into your lane.

  • Chana

    I don’t know about Miami, but women at the split beach in Tel Aviv definitely wear snoods with sexual bathing suits.

    • Shlomit

      What is a “sexual” bathing suit? LOL

  • Karen

    I haven’t seen it in Miami, but I have seen snoods and bikinis at women-only pools and beaches in Israel. It used to annoy me until I realized, if you’ve had seven kids and can still rock a bikini, you deserve to show off.

  • HersheyP

    I’ve seen chassidim at the Hersheypark waterpark! Come on, bikinis and snoods on a beach is nothing!

  • Anonymous

    Great post. New Yorkers in Pesach are nuts. They don’t realize that people actually live in Miami Beach. It is a an actual community where people live.

    Rule 1: You are not actually gabbay of whatever minyan you are davening at. I have seen in the MB Kollel how some guy from NY signaled to some other guy from NY who was the chazzan to start his repetition of shemona esrai. The rosh kollel hadn’t finished davening yet. What do they think they run the minyan.

    Rule 2: CVS is not for actual grocery shopping. CVS is mean to run in and pick up some shampoo or a medicine. Don’t walk around filling your cart. Even worse, don’t leave your shopping cart at the checkout line and walk around getting your grocery.

  • Esther

    The author actually sounds like a NYer with all that pent up rage 😉

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      ur on to me! i been living in fny for 2 years, but still a miamian at heart, and home for pesach! :). but things never change here lol

      • Esther

        You are who you are, dear. Embrace it …stop fighting 🙂

        • zalmy FNY silver :)

          neverrrrrrrrrrrr! who r u?

          • Esther

            I am a New Yorker… by way of emigrating from the Ukraine. I have lived in New York for as long as I have lived in the U.S. and I would not trade it for anything.

            Btw – I’ve glanced over the comment thread and every single comment you reply to includes a “who are you?” Are you trying to figure out who actually knows you and who can just get a good read on you by reading what you wrote?

            • Anonymous

              the former… i really would like to know ! now friend me on FB already

  • SM

    I’ve heard it’s the hot Sephardi moms who go in bikini and snoods to the pool.

    • “Rabbi No”

      Sephardim do not wear snoods. The ones observant of tziniut laws either cover their hair with wigs or with handkerchiefs, never a chassidic style snood.

      This article hits close to home to any resident of a vacation getaway that NYs tend to flock to in mass. Being a resident of Deal NJ on the shore, the infractions by NYs during Memorial to Labor Day is unbelievable. All-year residents actually look forward to Labor Day so that we can get our town back from the infestation of the Aborigines.

      • Anonymous

        Not true! I’m surprised rabbi. Observant Sephardic women generally don’t wear wigs. If they’re wearing wings it means their either among the followers of extreme minority opinion, married to an Ashkenazi man, and now only Sephardi by birth, or have just become Ashkenazified. Virtually nowhere should there be a mainstream observant Sephardic woman wearing a sheitel. All the major and poskim are against it, as well as many, many very good Sephardic rabbis you never heard of.

  • Minyan Intolerance

    To the anonymous post on post 5:

    Minyan Intolerance
    Case 72.
    AUTHORITY WANNABE

    DETAILS AND RANTS ABOUT THIS ISSUE:
    This is the person who wants to be a ???? or a rabbi so bad, acts like he’s one, but he absolutely has no authority to do so. So what’s happening is he’s creating an opportunity for other shul members to create a mutiny upon him. Actually a mutiny only happens to people who HAVE authority. This is just defiance.

    IF YOU’RE THAT PERSON:
    Listen, you’re gonna tell me what to do? Nobody is going to respect your wishes. Unless it’s in writing, we’re taking control. Don’t tell us what we should do.

    IF YOU’RE NOT THAT PERSON:
    1. Torches and pitchforks.
    2. Jump in and make a TRUE captain of the ship. Either self-appoint yourself, or (here’s the harder part) appoint somebody who’s worthy.
    3. Do everything opposite of what he wants you to do.
    4. Fight him to the death. He may have the authority to decide where his body goes.

    • Minyan Intolerance

      ????=gabbai

  • J

    For a guy who is bashing people form NY not that I’m defending them he sure seems to have a lot of rage. Why live in Miami if you aren’t going to be laid back. The continuing threats of violence he makes in the article are as NY as you can get.

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      see above comment from esther lol

  • Q

    From Woody Allen’s film “Annie Hall”:

    Alvy Singer: “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”

  • The Law

    I know Zalmy, hes from miami, i can vouch.

    everything is true in the post.

    Yes Hesh, u can see the snoods w/ bikinis and the psuedo frum kid with the artscroll gemera at the pool with sunglasses pretending to learn while starring at all the sheitel hookers at the pool…..

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      who is this?

      • The Law

        come on dude, u know me…

        • zalmy FNY silver :)

          nope….i mean, im sure i do…but not as the “law”

          • The Law

            just think about who ran the show at Ohr Chaim with Noah for all those years,…

  • td

    Typical Miami Beach-type attitude. It’s another world there – the rest of South Florida is nothing like it.

    Right turns on red are allowed outside of the 5 boroughs in New York; it’s not that bad.

    People honk because some lights are very short, and if you miss the light, you have to wait for all the other lights (some of which last for a long time) at the intersection to go through the cycle again, resulting in a very long delay. On the other side of the causeways, people do have places to go and things to do, and would prefer to not waste their time sitting at lights all day long, waiting for airheads to wake up and crawl along below the speed limit. Also, crossing against the light and in the middle of the street is a Florida pastime, so people do have a right to honk.

    Outside of Miami Beach, the parking lots are free; only in certain spots near some beaches are there even parking meters.

    The diet coke thing is American, not strictly New York.

    Just because the author of this post has some personal vendetta against New York (bad experiences? doesn’t know how to get around or drive there? no friends there? can’t stick up for himself?), doesn’t mean it’s the most horrible place in the world.

    Besides, the New Yorkers only ruin Miami Beach; most other parts of South Florida are fine, and the guests who are found in those places around Pesach time are actually quite nice.

    Get out of Miami Beach and check out the rest of South Florida. Oh, and calm down – you’re supposed to enjoy life and be laid back, remember?

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      see previous comments :). all is explained now, eh? we can debate another time..meanwhile, stay the hell out of the right turn lane and good yomtov

  • I know this guy hes as new york as it gets

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      who is this lol

  • hes a good friend he was born in NY so hes upset

  • Anonymous

    Are you guys serious saying he’s from NY? I’ve personally known him for many years and live around the corner from his father, moved from Miami Beach to North Miami Beach a couple of years ago. He spent his elementary school years in Yeshiva Elementary School and maybe high school as well, but not 100% sure.

    The majority of his life was spent in Miami and his post hits the nail on the head as I’ve lived in Miami for the past 14 years.

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      i know who this is 😉

  • blah blah blah

    blah blah blah blah zalmy is an attention whore

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      hahaha who is this

  • My thoughts on this post and why I didn’t want to post it: I love ya Zalmy but here’s my explanation.

    90% of the Jews living in Miami are from NY, just because you have a beach (I noticed there isn’t anything else to do besides the beach – and how often can you sit on the beach) doesn’t mean you’re the shit, but for some reason Miami folks have this “I think New Yorkers suck – we rock attitude” nowhere else have I seen this attitude, mostly because Miami is the only city where every Jew is a New Yorker.

    If you want to get into right on red madness – the only place where people are liable to hurt you is when you don’t make a right on the reds off of the 878 going into Far Rockaway – there you can make a right on a red, but one block later is Queens and therefore people hesitate.

    • Schwartzie

      Everybody thinks New Yorkers suck.

      • Anonymous

        New Yorkers suck

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      we can debate another time… its not so much i think miami rocks as much as ny sucks… im open to any place that doesnt involve living like a nyer…i only choose miami cuz im from there and i happen to love the weather… i got no issues with la, chicago, baltimore, denver, or any other city where people dont live like a rat in a cage and pretend to “love” it…

      and yeah, lots of nyers here…and they are all SO HAPPY to have left. they hate ny more than me. god willing one day, i will join them back here, and my only interaction year round with ny/ers will be pesach lol

    • The Law

      NY does suck and 90% of the jews living here are not from NY.

      how do i love miami? let me count the ways:

      1. my commute to work is 1.2 miles
      2. i have a beach 1 block away
      3. my view is of a beautiful tropical landscape, not an airshaft or some other fake brick apartment building.
      4. no snow
      5. no state income tax
      6. virtually no tolls
      7. the “winter”
      8. BBQ all year round
      9. the only jewish organization here is Federation
      10. i dont know one person who claims to run a nursing home or “does mortgages” (whatever the hell that means)
      11. virtually everyone is either a professional or works as a real estate developer.

      the list goes on and on…

      and hesh, theres plenty to do besides the beach, the only thing you cant do here is climb a mountain or go white water rafting, since we dont have any, other than that, anything you can do anywhere, u can do here. seems like u need to come to miami beach, and not go to North Miami Beach next time youre down here….

      • Nickman

        Add:
        – Talking on cell while driving
        – Riding motorcycles without a helmet
        – Not paying for meters
        – No car registration, or front license plates
        – Magnificent fast moving freeways
        – Drivers actually yield to you when blinking to turn

        • Nickman

          Not paying for meters I mean Not getting summonsed; Virtually free…..

        • Ummm….you do have to register your car in FL….

          Magnificent fast moving freeways? Uh…maybe up in Broward! 😀

          • The Law

            can also add:

            -explicit constitutional right to privacy
            -constitutional right to work

            Rishona – try the express lanes in Miami-Dade if u are having trouble…. ive been here 30 years, i dont have a problem….

      • Everything to do in Miami can be done anywhere else besides for fan boat riding which is a southern swamp tradition – I would argue that the entirety of Florida is quite boring – although the folks in the panhandle are interesting

        • zalmy FNY silver :)

          its not all about “doing things”. its about day to day life, which, as the law showed, obvi has many benefits resulting in a less stressful lifestyle. works for me

  • Anonymous

    Isn’t interesting that everyone thinks New York sucks but moves there anyway.

    I think Hesh is the only one I know that doesn’t like New York and never really lives there.

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      we should debate later…. u answered ur own question, though…clearly, ny is NEEDED but not wanted…big diff… :). friend me on FB and we’ll talk :). have a good yomtov

  • a real miamian

    zalmy, miam loves you and thanks you for this wonderful post. fny. 🙂

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      thanks! who are u? much appreciated

  • “Ps. Four slices with extra cheese, 2 curly fries, a slice of cheesecake—- and a DIET coke. You people crack me up!…”

    I personally avoid diet drinks for health reasons, but, there is a logic to their food choice.
    Sure, the foods you’ve described are very unhealthy and fattening, but it tastes better that way. If they ate “health food”, they would not enjoy the experience as much. Drinking a regular soda adds many calories but it’s not required for them. They can get the same sweet drink experience without the extra calories. That’s not dumb.

  • yeshiva guy

    were you a counselor in camp magen david summer of 2000. I had a counselor named silver. also is yudi silver your brother. I;m wondering what happened to him we used to be good friends

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      yup thats me..who is that

  • Bubba Metzia

    Miami has much worse drivers than the rest of Florida, but they still drive better than Israelis.

    If you go a few miles north to Hollywood, it’s much more chill and people tend to be less full of themselves.

  • Having lived in S Fla, it seems to me S Fla is to laid back as Osama bin Laden is to peace- nothing. (Then again I haven’t lived in NYC!)

    • Bubba Metzia

      I visited New York and everyone seemed to be in a hurry all the time. Compared to New York, South Florida is much more laid back.

  • LOOOOVE this post!! SO TRUE!!

    I actually get the whole snood + bikini thing …… the rules change when you’re on vacay!!!

  • Howard

    This article sucks. Nothing here is funny.

  • RIZZO

    snoods and bikinis are not understood by me, if its all women, and a ‘pool type place’ than why cover your hair? You don’t cover up in the shower for the same reason.

    Maybe im wrong

    • HJX

      Why cover the breasts or the bikini area, for that matter? After all, it’s all women.

      • nygirl

        because it can bring to lesbian actions

    • bad hair day

      Because wearing a sheitel can ruin your hair. I have a huge bald spot at the point where the comb from my sheitel digs into my scalp and the rest of my hair is dull and lifeless. I would be horrified if anyone saw how bad my hair looks.

  • RIZZO

    no i can understand that- same reason why men arent naked at the men only beach, its a sense of shame inhereited from Adam and eve, found in all people s and cultures

  • yeshiva guy

    i lived in miami beach one year when i was young I used to chill in your pool. I am not writing my name up here what happened to your brother where’s he at

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      call him and ask…:)

  • This is pretty funny – and I can hear both sides of this discussion. As a high-school teacher once put it ever so elequently, while remarking how Florida isn’t really part of the south: “Florida is a piece of New York that broke off during the last ice age and happened to settle below Georgia. That explains the migratory routes and why the elderly return there to settle down.”

  • frum female

    This guy is a psycho with anger management problems. no humor to this, just obvious insecurity

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      hahah…yeah thats me :). friend me on fb and see… this frum the girl who hides behind her fake name..its called a rant…supposed to sound angry..go yell at george carlin

  • frum female

    Also, to echo heshy–the only thing to do in florida is sit on a beach and tan. NY has something called, um, culture. There is art and music and thought, and this city is one-of-a-kind.

    • zalmy FNY silver :)

      spoken like a true nyer…yeah, we are all just a bunch of uncultured country bumpkins here. love it. ur a walking ny stereotype

  • Mel

    Y’all forgot about Poker at the Hard Rock!

  • Zissy Malka

    Zalmy FNY Silver is my hero.

    • Anonymous

      i know i am 🙂 hahaha . love u, cutie princess rabbit pirate

  • RF

    This entry about killed me from laughter.

    I grew up in Miami (not on the Beach, but in Kendall, which is a 20 minutes south and 15 minutes inland without traffic – and let’s face it, no matter what time of day and year it is, between the beach and Kendall, there’s traffic and lots of it), but I gotta say some of it sounds more like a fairy tale than it does like life in Miami. You can turn right on red, and if you don’t, who cares about the scenery, you’ll be greeted by someone’s horn. You’re in the left hand turn lane and it just turned red? There’s still room for 3 more cars to make that left before the traffic starts the other direction – if you don’t move, you will be honked at. When the light is green, you best be going, or again, horns will blare in your ear. You may be on vacation, but the rest of us have places to go.

    And really? Half of the Jews in Miami are from New York. Of the remaining half, about 2/3’s of them have parents and/or grandparents from New York. So let’s not be too harsh on Jewish NY tourists. If not for them, you probably wouldn’t be living in the subtropical paradise that is Miami. 😉

  • Michele

    I’m a new yorker and I’ve always hated going to miami because I always found that the people there are more snobbish than new yorkers.

    And whoever this zalmy guy is, he clearly has a stick up his butt which is ironic because he lives in new york. And its really creepy that he asks every person who they are and that they should friend him on facebook. And I agree with “frum female”, your supposed “rant” was not funny and it did sound very violent. At least heshy’s rants are more subtle and comedy-driven.

    As a new yorker, I don’t mind being made fun of because honestly there’s a lot to say. But your “rant” was NOT funny because you obviously lack comedic talent and instead it seemed like you were really attacking new yorkers instead of merely satirizing them.

    • zalmy FNY silver

      hah…just saw this now…. i have so many mean things to say about u, but i wont….but im glad its “creepy” that i actually wanna “meet” the people who are talking about me. YOUR the one with the pole up your ass, who thinks any guy whos friendly is “creepy” and that any guy who talks to you is “stalking” you, right? ur probably a jappy bitch who still cant realize the reason shes single is b/c of your “holier than thou” attitude, and u make me sick. u dont like my rant? dont effing read. lets see YOU come up with something remotely funny. notice how many people commented they DID enjoy it? not everyones humor is for everyone. no need to insult just b/c u dont happen to cater to my kind of humor. now, go spend 3 hours getting dressed up for touro so u can call guys pigs for looking at you, and go away.

      • Jack

        Stupid Hole!

  • Abigail

    Wow. Just wow.

    Very unwelcoming and even more repulsive.

    xx

  • New Yawkur from the bronx

    Shut the fauck up that is what you gotta do. Not all of us are white. Remember NYC is a melting pot. So we got different kind of New Yawkas. Chinese, Indian, Blacks, Hispanics, Whites, And for your info. NYC is a better city than Miami anyways. We are the best city in the world. http://www.cnbc.com/id/32797547 Go there if u dont believe me.

  • new yorkers are not cool. they come down in a hoard to feel safe, u know overcome insecurity, thats cool this ain’t brooklyn so how do they know whats upppppp!?? They don’t! They cram four into 200$ a night room and rent one car between the four or more. It like the jews that come down, they tell u a lie about wealth while they stay at their ya-ya’s house or condo. Yeah They spend a few bucks while walking on their elbows to spare their soles! Most New Yorkers have zero class, talk crappola (j and Ites), play big shot and fortunately for us go back home to that cesspool of greed and corruption and preverse crimes. Welcome back new york crap, now go home south americans and europeans are far more sexy and sophisticated,, now shove a pretzel up your nose or go twice as far with a chocolate bar!!!! Ps New York Welfare Capital of the world with most crooks in every household. Get in NYC most crooks per small incher.

  • GinaC

    When the light turns green, it means that you should move your ass. It doesn’t mean that you should sit there on your cell phone talking and thinking that you are the only person that exists. There are other cars behind you with people in those cars that have a life and things to do in their lives. So, MOVE YOUR ASS YOU SELF-CENTERED BITCH!

    I am not from New York, however, that is the only place where people don’t sit with their brains up their asses as they consider what their next thought is, which includes, MOVING YOUR ASS!

    How much time do you need to decide to turn or even to move forward?…JUST DO IT!

    It is also the only place with the BEST Italian food.

  • GinaC is an idiot

    “…the only place with the BEST Italian food.”
    Where to start with the idiocy of this statement? Is this opposed to all the other places that have the BEST Italian food?
    I bet you have 10 best friends and 3 bestest friends.
    Shut up!

  • Anonymous

    Not only have I seen it BUT I saw a woman in a shiptzel w a bikini n her husband w is “langeh payos” in a speedo on the beach in sobo!! Go figure!!!!!

  • t

    not funny

  • miami local

    Great article I was laughing so hard how true it is its hillarious, if only someone would actually enforce these rules we wouldnt have to suffer the whole pesach. Nothing personal to new Yorkers but u guys really have no respect for anyone but yourself and you turn Miami upside down when u come here. It’s really not nice today I was stuck in hours of Collins traffic because some new Yorker parked his car in middle of Collins avenue on the road hello not cool

  • Zalmy is an infantile moron

    Zalmy is a bitch. I like how he calls everyone “tough guy”, while he’s the one threatening to assault anyone who does anything he dislikes.

    The people who do that are morons who sit at a computer all day, like Zalmy.

    He also can’t spell basic English words, suggesting he either didn’t get a good education or he’s mentally handicapped. Possibly both.

    I can see why a mentally handicapped broke fat loser like Zalmy would be angry at the world, though.

    Hey Zalmy, let’s meet up in NY. You know, real life, not the facebook you play around with all day.

  • Melissa

    I just got a ticket in the mail from miami beach for turning right on a steady red light. They sent a photo. $160!!!

  • IsMe

    PS. YES, she IS too young

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