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Rabbis ban air: It contains bugs

Orthodox Rabbis may ban air, because of the bacteria and bugs contained within it. It sounds crazy, but in a report released by ultra orthodox Rabbis in Lakewood, they clearly state that breathing in air is assur and that we as a people need to take drastic steps to prevent fellow Yidden from succumbing to the evil inclination and breathing in bugs. According to the Torah, eating bugs is considered an abomination, akin to cheating on your taxes and having anal sex with another man, and these Rabbis have finally admitted that breathing should not be allowed.

Of course, these Rabbis do realize that it is nearly impossible not to breathe, although there are stories of great Lithuanian Rabbis who were able to hold their breath for long periods of time in order not to consume any bugs, as the generations become removed from great torah centers in Lithuania, we lose our ability to hold our breath for as long as gedolim like Shimon Shkop and Chaim Volozhin could, even Rav Ahron had to come up for air once in a while, but he never consumed any bugs chas vshalom.

In order to prevent the consumption of bugs through breathing, several ideas have been pushed forth, including genetic engineering Jewish noses to be even larger than they already are, gas masks and kosher bottled air, the third being the most realistic since it has already been done with water.

We will keep you updated as this story develops.

{ 29 comments… add one }
  • Bored Jewish Guy March 8, 2010, 9:04 PM

    “akin to cheating on your taxes and having anal sex with another man”

    Since when is it assur to cheat on your taxes, LOL

    • SkepticButJewish March 8, 2010, 9:51 PM

      I was wondering the same thing, I do not know where it says in the Torah that it is an abomination (to’evah) to cheat on your taxes. The only thing I can think of is that the Torah is talking about paying your tithes to the Kohanim. But even there it does not use the word “to’evah”, that word is only used in regard to negative mitzvos not positive ones.

      By the way, those three things: eating bugs, cheating taxes, and anal sex. I do not see what is the abomination about any of these things. As far as eating bugs go and anal sex goes, you not really hurting anyone else in the world, you are just minding your own business. You know some kind of people enjoy that kind of stuff. Now as far as cheating on your taxes goes, I have no problem with it, I think that is a form of civil disobedience and civil disobedience is a fundamentally important component to struggling to do what is write in front of authority. Many important struggles have happened by standing up to authority in the spirit of civil disobedience.

      • Bored Jewish Guy March 8, 2010, 10:30 PM

        Yeah, I was actually joking, I think cheating on your taxes and having anal sex with other men are both abominations. My point was that in the frum world there is a great deal of talk about how bad it is to be gay but not much talk about the chillul hashem of frum jews getting caught cheating on their taxes. The reason I’m against cheating on taxes is solely the chillul hashem if you get caught, I hate taxes in general.

        • Heshy Fried March 9, 2010, 12:20 AM

          So you do understand the irony of the sentence – I put those two items there on purpose.

          • Bored Jewish Guy March 9, 2010, 12:25 AM

            yep, I thought it was funny

            • Avrumy March 16, 2010, 1:15 PM

              Not so pashut.
              If you cheat on your taxes, you might wind up in jail, and we all know that leads to anal sex.
              😉

  • Mosidoxish March 8, 2010, 9:05 PM

    I know one Rebbe with a short breath span, his Gabbai walks around with an anti-bug spray, and keeps on spraying wherever the Rabbi goes (especially on Misnagdim), so he won’t inhale any bugs.

    • Heshy Fried March 8, 2010, 9:35 PM

      I heard the Baal Shem Tov would walk on water because it contained bugs

  • Yerachmiel Lopin March 8, 2010, 9:51 PM

    There are special clothes being sold to protect from bugs and thus to allow breathing. But the frummies reject the heter of the bug free buggudim.

  • Yakov March 8, 2010, 11:29 PM

    tsk tsk heshy you’ve done better..

    • bob March 9, 2010, 10:21 AM

      which in particular were better?

  • anonymous March 9, 2010, 1:37 AM

    And now I hear on the 6 O’clock news that Lox and other types of fish are going to be prohibited for being full of bugs as well. Not as full of bugs as the average microsoft operating system, though. If that were the case, rabbis long ago would have assured Windows 95 and Word 2007.

    You know, how can lox be taken away from the Jewish community? It has become inextricably linked to Jewish identity, not to mention brises, Bar Mitzvahs, and Sunday Morning Brunches. Taking lox from the Jews would be like taking the fish out of water: both of which are now assur due to bugs. Maybe people should stop visiting cemeteries, as their departed loved ones are also likely full of bugs.

    When the fuck did bugs take over the planet? I’m just gonna start spraying raid on my sandwiches, that’s all.

    The closer rabbis look, the more flaws they are finding in our food supply. If they would direct some of that meticulous examination inward, maybe they could start filtering out some of their own bugs, including, but not limited to; child molestation, incest, domestic abuse, money laundering, tax evasion, exploitation of welfare and social programs, and practicing a superficial, inauthentic version of Judaism. And that day would really be something for the 6 O’clock news.

  • Stan March 9, 2010, 10:24 AM

    Im curious what bugs you about the fish-ban, do you not believe they contain bugs? do you not believe eating bugs is assur? Youre right in that people seem to get this bizzare pleasure in going around looking for problems, but if fish do in fact contain bugs dont you agree there is a problem?

    • Meir March 9, 2010, 10:59 AM

      No. Read the Gemara (Chullin 67b) and the Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 84:16), which explicitly noted that parasitic worms like the anisakis do not render fish treyf.

      (R’ Feinstein refused to issue a teshuva on the matter because he felt Shulchan Aruch was crystal-clear already)

      http://hatthief.blogspot.com/2010/02/lox-not-kosher-rabbi-moshe-karp-urges.html

      • Stan March 9, 2010, 8:19 PM

        i guess my response to AMR applies to you as well

    • AMR March 9, 2010, 11:25 AM

      Stan
      The problem was addressed many years ago in the G’mara, and in spite of the bugs, fish was allowed.

      If we are going to open up things for re judication so to speak, then lets start with Honey from Bees – most certainly not kosher.

      We have already opened closed discussions about say riding on busses with women which Rav Moshe clearly says if you can not control yourself for a bus ride, then you should STAY HOME!

      so why dont we open up the discussion about say second day of chag in chutz le’aretz, kitniyot, corn – I mean we are all smart enough to know that we are talking about the yellow seeds on a cob and not rye – the actual reason that corn is not allowed for ashkenazim because maize or what ever the spainiards called it sounded like rye in yiddish.

      I mean if salmon is now open to question after the case having been closed by the G’mara then in my mind anything is open to discussion.

      • mlevin March 9, 2010, 12:18 PM

        But gemara never mentioned salmon specifically. So, rabbis now can ban lox, because it wasn’t mentioned in gemara.

        I heard a report that people swallow as many as 10 spiders in their lifetime while sleeping. That means that sleeping should be banned. One can be careful and use a napkin or something while breathing awake, but one has little control of it in his sleep, so sleep should be banned first.

      • Stan March 9, 2010, 1:55 PM

        AMR, in this case your right , and many leading poskim chief among them rabbi belsky, are dismissing the issue, nobody is stopping you from eating fish, its gonna be OK. I’m wondering more what prompted the quick dismissal of the issue by heshy, who i assume did not know about the gemara (my apologies if I’m wrong). Or for that matter the dismissal of any discussion of bugs be they in water, broccoli or whatever.
        you do raise an interesting issue though, i wonder if those who dismiss tradition in the examples you mentioned, will do so now and stop eating bug-infested-fish. Somehow i doubt it.

  • Anonymous March 9, 2010, 12:36 PM

    u should not abuse names like r shimon shkop and r chaim volozhin……

    subsitute the names and its a great piece.

    I’m from lakewood and I can relate to the irony….

    • DrumIntellect March 16, 2010, 11:42 AM

      It’s not an abuse of their names. Obviously they were human also. But, biographies of Rebbes are distorted to present them as being god-like. It’s fine for children and BTs, but it’s not honest.
      He’s not saying anything bad about those Rabbis. He’s just highlighting how some frum people speak.

      You didn’t have an issue with R’ Kotler’s name being used?

      • mlevin March 16, 2010, 11:58 AM

        I take offense. Are you implying that BTs have a brain capacity of a small child? Or are you implying that BTs are not real people and it’s okay to lie to them?

        • DrumIntellect March 16, 2010, 12:16 PM

          Neither. I’m just saying it is accepted by small children and people, in general, who want to disregard reality for an exciting “new” religious outlook. When some of those children grow up, they are disappointed by the falsehoods they’ve been fed. I imagine the same is true for people who, in their zest, disregard reality.
          I don’t favor lying to anyone.
          I erred by writing “BTs”. I should have written “many BTs”.

  • RL March 9, 2010, 12:38 PM

    You can defeat your yetzer hara for air!

    This advice also applies to those of you who have lost your source of kosher air or are chas vashalom drowning after a shipwreck.

    1. Don’t focus on breathing! Distract your mind with higher pursuits, like torah study, sports, and hobbies.

    2. Hold your breath for five seconds. That was easy! Now increase to ten seconds, and then fifteen seconds. See? You can live a full and happy life without air!

    3. Though you’re lacking air right now, focus instead on how you aren’t hungry or thirsty. Shut up, smile and be grateful.

    4. You may soon get some air, but thrashing about and yelling is annoying to air peddlers, so at all costs hide your suffocation.

    5. Resist the urge to borrow another’s air tank if you’ve lost yours. Suppress all talk about famous rabbis caught stealing air tanks or breathing from treif tanks.

    6. Don’t rely on Rabbanut air or “avir beis din” or tanks with fewer than three local heimishe hechsherim, and don’t ride buses where men and women breathe air together, no matter how kosher.

    7. We live in a world full of chometzdik air, including all those new Panera stores, so be grateful that kosher-le-Pesach air tanks cost only 20% more than last year.

    8. Ask Gov. Schwarzenegger to yell for you “Come on, Rabbi Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people kosher air!

    RL

  • FrumGer March 9, 2010, 10:15 PM

    Same old lame shtick…….. i guess by using a limited source for your comedy its bound to get old, but really how many times can you do the “rabbaim banned such and such” joke? much like black comedy, all they talk about is food sex and white people.

    • HannahBanana March 10, 2010, 4:25 PM

      …and yet, it’s still hilarious. So? If you don’t like it, don’t read it!

      • John March 10, 2010, 9:35 PM

        I didnt realise this blog had such strict rules, why can ti read it and not like it

        • Bored Jewish Guy March 10, 2010, 9:38 PM

          You can read things and not like them, but comments like the one from “FrumGer” are kind of douchey.

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