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What’s the worst Jewish last name?

I was reading an article about the shidduch situation in Washington Heights the other day and one of the girls mentioned has the last name of “Nutkis” which in my mind beats out Shmukler and Lipshitz – the two worst Jewish last names I can think of. On a side note, my buddies dad’s name is Richard Wiggler and my friend had a teacher named Richard Handler. There was this kid in high school with the last name of Kanoff and I always wondered if he had anyone by the name of Jerry Kanoff in his family.

Other terrible Jewish last names include:

Dickter

Dickman

Dickstein

Klitnick

Klitman

Klitstein

Kunstler

Kuntslinger

Hyman

Livshitz

Leebshitz

Volvuvsky

Sacks

Fuchs

Nutkis seems to stick out as the worst one….

Jewish last names that would suck if they existed:

Shitstein

Shitman

Clitsky

Slutner

Clitoruvich

{ 115 comments… add one }
  • Tova February 10, 2010, 2:38 PM

    Wow…this made me laugh quite a bit! I’m glad my last name just means ‘writer’.

    • Off OJ February 10, 2010, 5:55 PM

      Schreiber or Sofer?

      • Tova February 10, 2010, 6:11 PM

        Schreiber. Supposedly, we’re descended from the Chasam Sofer. I should write about this on my blog, now that I think about it: It’s kinda neat, being a writer whose last name means “writer”.

        • musicluver February 10, 2010, 11:21 PM

          There’s a fellow with the last name “SOPHER” who’s supposedly a direct descendant of the Chasam Sopher

  • FrumCurious February 10, 2010, 2:38 PM

    Toilet humor of the day brought to you by Heshy Fried.

    Hilarious!

  • PartyJew February 10, 2010, 2:39 PM

    I know a few people with the last name Slutsky

    • frumgoth February 10, 2010, 5:30 PM

      hey, my ancestors were from the town Slutsk, in Russia, and when they came to Ellis Island they were given the name Slutsky. Fast fwd: years later – students had to fill out the first four letters of their last names on the bottom of those standardized test booklets. I was mortified

      • Michaltastik February 10, 2010, 7:20 PM

        LOL! WOW! I thought I had it bad because my first name and last name sounded like hiccup together, well they did. I took my mom’s maiden name in 2006.

      • Heshy Fried February 10, 2010, 9:38 PM

        Slutsk was a very learned town – some big yichus over there in Slutsk

        • frumgoth February 11, 2010, 3:06 AM

          i’ve heard that & it’s possible that my grandparents were frum there in the early 1900’s. As a “bt” I have brought at least one line of the ancestors of Slutsk back to the fold, but I have to wonder if they would be happy about that…

  • Bored Jewish Guy February 10, 2010, 2:41 PM

    I have a business associate (I don’t think he’s jewish) with the last name Schmuck. The best part is that he always uses his last name even though I talk to him on a regular basis.

  • Ilana Nutkis February 10, 2010, 2:43 PM

    Wow, this is super exciting. I’m a winner!

    • Don DeFrost April 16, 2016, 4:58 PM

      I’ll find you.

      And i’ll kiss you.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 2:51 PM

    There’s a family called Aspis in Brookline. They win.

  • joel February 10, 2010, 2:54 PM

    Fingerit. Yes, it is a real name

  • Zvi Lampert February 10, 2010, 2:57 PM

    I once had a rebbe named Harav Chatzkel Buttfuckowitz.

    • musicluver February 10, 2010, 11:23 PM

      Yeah, sure…..

      • Zvi Lampert March 5, 2010, 8:14 AM

        Harav Chatzkel Buttfuckowitz Shlita. Zul Zein Gezint.

  • Seth February 10, 2010, 3:04 PM

    I can’t let this post go by without mentioning Rosie Hyman.

    For real, and right here living in the U S of A.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 3:36 PM

    Wiener pronouced weiner

  • Bored Jewish Guy February 10, 2010, 3:41 PM

    Thinking about this in a different way, I think right now I’d rather have the name Nutkis than Tropper.

    • Heshy Fried February 10, 2010, 3:42 PM

      Or Kolko

      • Tova February 10, 2010, 6:13 PM

        I have an incriminating screen-cap from Avi Kolko’s blog.

        • Peshki M. October 17, 2013, 7:36 AM

          Could you please share that screen-cap with me? For a story on this. The actual screen shot would be best, but I’d take the general idea if that’s what you have.

  • Bored Jewish Guy February 10, 2010, 3:48 PM

    Kolko is a double whammy because it also sounds like a stripper name

    • Heshy Fried February 10, 2010, 9:39 PM

      so maybe instead of Devorah does Dallas we could have Kolko does Torah Temimah

      • Bored Jewish Guy February 10, 2010, 11:02 PM

        I never heard of Devorah does Dallas, I guess they needed a new star after the Rosh Hashana special Debbie does Teshuva. Unfortunately it’s too true about Kolko does Torah Temimah, I can’t even laugh about it.

  • Bracha February 10, 2010, 3:49 PM

    What about names that are just simply ugly like Mauskopf, Kreindler, Krakauer, Farkas, etc.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 4:35 PM

    I know a guy (not jewish) who is know as Dick Stiffler

    • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 5:46 PM

      I know a guy Itchy Dick. Not joking, family name dick, and nickname Itchy. Everyone calls him that. Oh and he is Jewish.

      • Anonymous February 11, 2010, 9:31 PM

        I know Itchy Dick!!! You forgot to mention, his middle name is Meyer.

  • Danny February 10, 2010, 4:59 PM

    My alltime favorite is still Tushman

    • Plimpton February 11, 2010, 4:39 PM

      Daughter hasa friend Tushna Buttman

  • anon February 10, 2010, 5:05 PM

    wouldn’t it be funnier if he had a brother jack instead of jerry.
    imagine him introducing himself like james bond; the name is kanoff- jack kanoff. sounds like a real austin powers name.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 5:45 PM

    how about dick as a last name? Yes I do know someone with that last name. one of the brothers is named yitzchak and they call him Itchy. This is not a joke.

    • Michaltastik February 10, 2010, 7:23 PM

      I think two of you know the same guy, or your comment was in moderation?

      • Seth February 11, 2010, 4:07 AM

        You are ignoring the fact that might be more than one Itchy Dick out there

    • J February 11, 2010, 11:20 AM

      Yitzchak Dick is acutally funnier.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 5:47 PM

    I know a guy with a name that this blog won’t let me post. D*ck. and one of his brothers, whose real name is Yitzchak, is called Itchy. Not kidding.

  • DrumIntellect February 10, 2010, 5:54 PM

    Am I really the first to mention the last name of “Putz”?

    • sk February 10, 2010, 11:44 PM

      What about former Knesset member Ophir Pines-Paz? He’s a laugh.

  • CCMSM February 10, 2010, 6:12 PM

    What about Bader? in camp there was a kid whose last name was Bader, and when ever he got a phone call the switchboard paged him as “Master Bader, please pick up the nearest phone”.

  • Rabba bar bar Chana February 10, 2010, 6:19 PM

    I have cousins whose last name is Dick. It wasn’t funny 75 years ago.

    What if Fried becomes a euphemism for a vagina? I think we should all start that trend! 😛

    • Heshy Fried February 10, 2010, 9:37 PM

      I love vaginas so I’m definitely down with that

      • sk February 10, 2010, 11:44 PM

        Thankfully, comedian Andy Dick is not a Jew.

      • Zvi Lampert February 11, 2010, 12:00 AM

        Heshy Vagina has a nice ring to it…

    • rebeccadk February 9, 2012, 9:20 AM

      For all of those born in the middle of the last century, I grew up with the last name DICK and my family are from Ireland. My father and my siblings went through HELL over it in school and in the community.
      So, whenever I hear about kids bullying on facebook and all the other sites I’m sorry for them. They have to believe that they are greater then the Rats who are teasing them.
      On another note, I have done some checking in regards to some of the Jewish community migrating to Ireland and they were treated for the most part with open arms. That’s the backbone that the Fighting Irish have, and you better have some back bone if your last name is or in my case was DICK. If I have any Jewish heritage in my history, I’m proud of it!!
      On a different note, I don’t think it’s going to matter to God for those who believe in him what our first, middle or last name is or was.

      • Don DeFrost April 16, 2016, 5:04 PM

        Not a Jew (yet), but my middle name is “Baby”. I was the butt of school jokes back then.

  • Anonymous February 10, 2010, 7:04 PM

    This is very funny.

    Now just add “Itchie” as a first name to any of those surnames, and you’ve got yourself the worst name in history 🙂

  • Michaltastik February 10, 2010, 7:25 PM

    Actually, I would think that men would want to date a girl with the last name Nutkis.. No?

    • GusanoAmarillo June 9, 2015, 9:46 PM

      Depends on how big her breasts are.

  • Michaltastik February 10, 2010, 7:27 PM

    Oh, and we had a customer named Lipshitz that used to call in when I worked at the car service. This one girl used to tell me how bad she wanted to tell him, “if your lip $#!+s, then my @$$ whistles….” One day I finally told her, “It does. It’s called farting.”

    • horny24/7 February 11, 2010, 8:30 AM

      Holy shit. You crackin me up. That was great. Speakinng about holy shit, how about the name Heilgshitz lol

  • Aussie Oliver Shalom February 10, 2010, 7:37 PM

    There’s a few Slutzkin family members in Australia, Israel and UK.

  • your friend February 10, 2010, 7:50 PM

    I went to college with a “Harry Weiner”

  • Susanne February 10, 2010, 7:55 PM

    I knew a kid growing up named Harry Dong. He legally changed his name in high school. The taunting almost drove him mad. His parents wanted to give him a good, strong American name and I guess they didn’t know about slang terms for body parts.

  • Freddy February 10, 2010, 8:15 PM

    I interviewed a woman job applicant whose last name was Wankoff. I was tempted to tell her that she’d never find a job in a law firm unless she changed her name. But I would have faced some sort of civil rights lawsuit if I had done so.

  • Isxaq February 10, 2010, 8:16 PM

    I know there’s a Rabbi Fingerer.

    • horny24/7 February 11, 2010, 8:35 AM

      I work with a guy named Ben Dover. (Bendover)

  • Tova February 10, 2010, 8:55 PM

    Eww…Are you serious, Agadi? A Rabbi Fingerer? Nasty!

  • Michaltastik February 10, 2010, 9:21 PM

    There was a Ben Gray at the Xtian school connected to my church when I was in HS. They, of course tried to call him Ben Gay.

  • Rach February 10, 2010, 10:07 PM

    did you pick up this idea from the daily show perhaps? this week there was a piece called “the dick swett incident” its hilarious.
    here it is…
    http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-february-4-2010/the-dick-swett-incident

  • Sheindy February 10, 2010, 10:21 PM

    I know someone named: Jack Kass .. seriously..!

  • Five Finger Death Punch February 10, 2010, 10:56 PM

    Kreamoloveski

    Sassler

    Penis
    ??? ????

    Fuchsbromer

    Shmuckstein

    Faygele Slobenstein (saw this one in a boro park telephone book)

    Bader (This in my opnion is the worst -> Mister Bader)

    Bitchstritzski

    and the list goes on…

  • Five Finger Death Punch February 10, 2010, 10:57 PM

    oh i forgot that kid from chaverim summer camp back in the 90’s

    Dudi Bumfart

  • ghottistyx February 10, 2010, 11:15 PM

    There was once an episode of Beavis and Butthead where they were constantly crank calling a man named “Harry Sacks”.

  • Anonymous February 11, 2010, 12:53 AM

    how many times has this post been done on this blog?!?

    dude get some new material

    • Heshy Fried February 11, 2010, 1:36 AM

      Actually this is the second time – you make it seem like I post the same thing over and over again, If it is an exact copy that has been edited I will tell you. Besides I just heard about the name Nutkis. No one else seems to be annoyed like you.

    • Michaltastik February 11, 2010, 8:05 AM

      No, I went to one of his shows, he does re-hash, a lot. That’s the problem with have such a small audience, you can’t really re-use material but, he does anyway. This is the first time I’ve seen this one.

  • humina humina February 11, 2010, 9:24 AM

    Not Jewish, but the building at the University of Georgia where they house the UGA Sports Hall of Fame is the Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall (pronounced Buttsmear).

  • uzi silber February 11, 2010, 10:36 AM

    There are Jews with the surname Schmuck. My father was a lawyer and appeared before a certain Judge Schmuck (the name on his desk). When my father addressed him as ‘Judge Shmyook’, the judge banged his gavel and said ‘councilor, my name is Schmuck! s-c-h-m-u-c-k! Schmuck
    Of course schmuck means jewelry — which begat ‘family jewels’.

    • Avrumy February 11, 2010, 11:31 AM

      I knew an Israeli guynamed Uzi Dick. 100% true!

  • Mystery Woman February 11, 2010, 1:06 PM

    Wow….I never thought of Lipshitz that way…

  • Uzi Silber February 11, 2010, 2:29 PM

    I happened to have known a Yitzhak (Itchy) Dick (I met him in Crown Heights) and also an Israeli mover called Uzi Dickman!

    Uzi
    americanames.blogspot.com

    • Michaltastik February 11, 2010, 5:15 PM

      Hey, how many people know this Yitzhak Itchy Dick guy? How many are duplicates?

      • Phil February 12, 2010, 9:46 AM

        Michaltastik,

        It’s aka jock itch.

  • Phil February 11, 2010, 5:24 PM

    I knew a guy in college named Richard Dykman.

  • fartface February 11, 2010, 9:13 PM

    I know a guy named Ari Dick. Say it fast and you get “hairy dick.”

  • Jacob da Jew February 11, 2010, 10:45 PM

    some small time shiny shoe frummie singer named “Doody Hertz” I sht u not.

  • former Bais Rivkah girl February 12, 2010, 2:28 AM

    Appeared before Judge Krappa, she’s not Jewish.

  • Uzi Silber February 12, 2010, 7:26 AM

    A moment of silence please for the throngs of moronic parents who allowed their retarded name decisions to torment their children forever more.
    BTW I met Crown Heights Itchy Dick in 1980.
    Uzi
    americanames.blogspot.com

  • Not Telling February 14, 2010, 8:59 PM

    Judge Schmuck was NOT jewish. His name was Frank Schmuck, and NYS superior court judge. You can google him. Ledgend has it that he never approved name changes, reasoning that it cant be worse that his,

    • Uzi Silber February 17, 2010, 11:22 AM

      Thanks for that info on Frank Schmuck! My father told me that story about twoice annually for about 20 years until he died. Now to quote to Paul Harvey, I have the rest of the story…

  • anon February 15, 2010, 8:31 AM

    How about Vaginaface and Scrotumbrain? Oh wait those arent jewish, so how about Moishe Vaginafaceowitz and Leah Scrotumbrainstien

    • oy vey February 15, 2010, 10:25 PM

      I once had a chavrusa named Yankel Assholenberg

  • MadMaxInJerusalem February 15, 2010, 4:53 PM

    There is an Israeli talk show host who’s name is Guy Penis. He’s always interviewing american hollywood types and getting them to giggle at his name.

    • Moishe June 22, 2010, 3:18 PM

      BS”D

      HAHAHAHA! I completely forgot about him! I used to watch him back in 2002 while I was working in Israel.

    • GusanoAmarillo June 9, 2015, 9:48 PM

      Guy PINES, but pronounced “Penis”…

  • MadMaxInJerusalem February 15, 2010, 4:54 PM

    There was also a guy in my wife’s medical school class whose last name was Sundick.

  • Bored Jewish Guy February 16, 2010, 1:56 AM

    I just saw on Onlysimchas that a guy with the last name Grossnass is engaged to a girl with the last name Hellman. He should definitely take her name.

    http://onlysimchas.com/v4/index.cfm/fuseaction:simcha.view/simchaid:90736

  • FarFrumIt February 17, 2010, 10:55 AM

    I cant believe I didn’t think of this before but best name of all time:
    our very own nyc mayor: Mayor Dukakas

    • Zvi Lampert February 17, 2010, 4:00 PM

      Michael Dukakis was never mayor of NYC.
      How about hall of fame NFLer Dick Butkis?

  • TekWiz February 19, 2010, 1:35 AM

    There is also a Knesset member who is often interviewed/discussed on Reshet Bet… His name is … drumroll … Ofir Penis.

  • MadMaxInJerusalem February 23, 2010, 6:58 AM

    Just came across this one on Arutz-7:

    Dr. Inna Slutsky

    http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/136151

    • frumgoth February 23, 2010, 7:47 PM

      I wonder if she’s my long lost cousin. Sometimes people ask me why I don’t go back to my maiden name. Would you, with a name like Slutsky?

  • TMA March 5, 2010, 4:27 PM

    This guy, who runs classes for kids on lego mindstorms and programming: Steve Putz
    http://www.roboticslearning.com/bio.htm

  • Worst Israeli Names June 22, 2010, 3:45 PM

    Worst Israeli first names:
    Shitrit (there’s a cabinet member named this)
    Dudu
    Osnot
    Nimrod

    • Anonymous August 16, 2012, 1:08 PM

      Nofit
      Looza
      Moran

  • MadMaxInJerusalem April 9, 2012, 11:12 AM

    Came across a new one:

    Dr. Tova Dickstein

    http://www.neot-kedumim.org.il/?CategoryID=268&ArticleID=232

    Also, I think honorary mention should go to the authors of the book, “Radiology Recall” by Spencer B. Gay and Richard ( Dick ) J. Woodcock, Jr. , also known affectionately by medical students as the Gay Woodcock book. No joke, look it up on Amazon.

  • David Katz July 17, 2012, 2:35 PM

    I know a woman named Frieda Steinschnieder
    and Ive heared about a guy named Judah Katsanellenbourgen.
    I hope this is how to write this surnames.
    And by the way one of my interns called Shmulik Oppenheimer.
    They’re all Jews.
    (;

  • baruchatta August 16, 2012, 2:12 PM

    My friend, Mike Hunt.

    • Sven March 10, 2013, 7:21 PM

      His bother is Eric Hunt.

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  • Vag Hina March 14, 2015, 12:39 PM

    Did you guys ever meet Rabbi Cock Cockstein shlita? Great man.

  • Condor January 2, 2018, 3:44 PM

    Ok – here it is : This list of jewish names are not jewish names !!!! there are very rare german names – even in Germany, Austria or Switzerland – they had been given to jews rel. constrained to stigmatize them …because it was forbidden for them since 1780 to use their original hebrew names. So the city authorities and their civil servants in special the had extremely fun at that time to gave Jews the most stupid and rare names which not even Germans, Austrians or Swiss often had. They took names for them out of the Geology world and petrology world like : Diamant, Saphir, Rubin, Opal, Bergkristall etc.. – also from the Geography like : Hamburger , Frankfurter , Wiener, Paris, Kopenhagener etc.. – Metallurgy; Gold/man/n, Silber/man/n, Kupfer, Platin etc… – or from the world of professions:
    Bauer, Apotheker, Fleischer, Glaser etc… and so on – but also very very rare names

    where also german speaking persons must laugh – like: Zwetschkendreher, Zwirnfaden
    Some of namers from the List above meaning the following in English:

    Kunstler = Künstler = Artist
    Fuchs = Fox
    Dickstein = Fat Stone
    Sacks = Sachs = Saxony
    Dickter = Dichter = Poet
    Dickman/n = Thick man or fat man

  • Condor January 4, 2018, 3:11 PM

    Ok – here it is : This list of jewish names are not jewish names !!!!
    there are very rare german, swedish, danish, dutch names – even in
    Germany, Austria or Switzerland etc.. – they had been given to jews
    rel. constrained to stigmatize them …because it was forbidden for them
    since 1780 to use their original hebrew names. So the city authorities
    and their civil servants in special had extremely fun at that time to
    gave Jews the most stupid and rare names which not even Germans,
    Austrians or Swiss often had. They took names for them out of the
    Geology world and petrology world like : Diamant, Saphir, Rubin, Opal,
    Bergkristall etc.. – also from the Geography like : Hamburger ,
    Frankfurter , Wiener, Paris, Kopenhagener etc.. – Metallurgy;
    Gold/man/n, Silber/man/n, Kupfer, Platin etc… – or from the world of
    professions:
    Bauer, Apotheker, Fleischer, Glaser etc… and so on – but also very very rare names
    where also german speaking persons must laugh – like: Zwetschkendreher, Zwirnfaden
    Some of namers from the List above meaning the following in English:

    Kunstler = Künstler = Artist
    Fuchs = Fox
    Dickstein = Fat Stone
    Sacks = Sachs = Saxony
    Dickter = Dichter = Poet
    Dickman/n = Thick man or fat man
    Klit/tstein = swedish = stone from the dunes
    Klit/tman = swedish = Man from the dunes

  • Jane March 23, 2018, 11:04 PM

    My maiden name was Kanoff. When the boys in 7th grade discovered the innuendo of me possibly having an uncle named Jack, I never heard the end of it! Poor me, I think it gave me a social anxiety issue!

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  • Anonymous August 9, 2018, 9:45 AM

    I had a classmate in high school name Michael Pickelsymer idk if that qualify as a funny one cause i have seen some doosies on here!! Lmao!!

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