The best thing about being a yeshiva dropout, bum or off the derech kid is that unlike the rest of the population it’s considered perfectly normal to be in college at the age of 25, although these jobs are usually held by yeshiva guys who aren’t really yeshivish or learning anymore, I am sure there are others who hold them. These are those jobs that kids in New York do – prior to bribing their ex-Rosh Yeshiva to give them a bachelors degree so they can attend law school without ever having step foot in a university before. Please not that ex-yeshiva guys are usually still frum, they are just sick of the system and fizzle out…
Catering: There is always some guy named Josh or Ari that you call and he puts you on the list. You get called and told to be at some hall in New Square where you “waiter” for $75 cash a night, the skills involved, know the right people, looking bummy, smoking and keeping chassids out of the kitchen looking for a better piece of kugel. You should also be someone who went off the derech at some point, attended RCC or Brooklyn College and is in school.
Esrogim and Lulavim: You sit inside an abandoned seforim store or some other store that was closed about a month earlier. You sit behind a fold table on a folding chair and agree with the customers as they say, “that’s a good esrog right?” Your skills involve making those little lulav ties and the ability to play Jewish Geography with every person who walks inside.
Bais Ezra and Women’s League: You heard you can make $300 in a weekend and you have a chance to meet some girls. You are scared you may have to wipe some grown mans butt, but the money is too good. You don’t really like working with the consumers, but Bais Ezra is always hiring and if you want you have at in at Women’s league too.
Cell Phones: It used to be beepers and electronics, but now its cell phones. You have to be obsessed with showing your phone off. You also have to know about phones, be addicted to your phone and drive a black Lexus or maxima from wheels to lease. You should also be someone who hung out in Woodbourne during the summers and wears yarmulkes that increase your height.
Chinese Takeout: You must be chubby, sort of religious and have terrible taste in food. You should also be under 24, have glasses and be unshaven. You should also always have a couple friends sitting at a table bored out of their minds but they hang out there all the time. Skills include telling people which dishes are spicy and asking them if they want wonton or hot and sour soup.
Construction: You get to wear jeans to shul, and your phone is always in walky talkie mode. You must have a thick New York accent and own a couple of properties here and there. You must be a hocker and you must drive a truck or windowless van.
Real Estate: One time you worked in a real estate office getting coffee for people, you also used to work construction and did light bookkeeping for a real estate agent. You really don’t do anything, maybe you bought some property from Geshmak realty in Lakewood – prime Camden or Newrak real estate. You never really went off the derech, but all your friends did. Skills include making up fictional tales about all the property you own.
Fast Food: (IE Dougies) Different from Chinese takeout because it may involve light waiter service, if that’s what you call it when some guy drops your food down trying to remember who ordered what and he brings your salad after your main course. Skills include dealing with customers, and having to fend off people who see you in the street and say “hey do I know you from somewhere” Must be off the derech, and could even be modern orthodox, or modern looking.
Hatzolah, Chaveirim, and volunteer firefighting: How come frummies never become regular firefighters or work for triple A? Don’t get me wrong, I think all these jobs are great – but I keep meeting these ex-yeshiva guy, used to be off the derech types who are striving to be hockers and always wanted one of those Monsey houses with all just a lawn and no trees. If you are an ex-yeshiva guy who does this sort of job, you must always keep your walky talky on loud volume so everyone in the minyan factory knows how you roll. These jobs don’t pay, but it’s all about the prestige.
Car Leasing, Mortgages, Debt Consolidation, Computers: Most of the people I meet who can get me a good deal on a computer, mortgage or car lease don’t actually work in the field, but part of being a 25 ex-yeshiva guy wannabe hocker who is just starting to scheme his way through FDA or Charter Oaks, is knowing the right people in these fields. So whenever someone says “I’m in car leasing” a little probing will reveal that he hangs around some guy who actually does that so he knows a little more than your average Yossi.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
…Blog writing
technically for something to be a “job” you should probably get paid for it.
If I count all the free books, press passes, dinners and trips to Israel it adds up – I do get a few freelance writing gigs here and there, but unfortunately I haven’t figured out how to do this full time yet.
huge quickly
Hmm, How about ‘Social Worker’. Big in CH, no? Requirements: Untrained. Government Grant availability a plus.
Seems like someone else noticed the treeless lawns in Monsey. What’s up with that?
If you have huge old growths trees in your yard how is anyone supposed to see your obnoxious McMonseyMansion
But, that’s free Skhakh!
What are the average post sem jobs for girls?
OT/PT, dental hygeine, secretary, cheder teacher (but only till 3rd grade for boys if your single), designer cookie baker, sheitles (including all head coverings), robes, shoe stores, swimming teacher…
What am I missing?
You know, you really are an insecure, condecending, know it all B****…
Go fly your little cessna around and play at your little tv station, ok?
Its no wonder…
i agree, though thats a little harsh.
its humorous to mock the stereotypes of people who work at various jobs, but not to mock the jobs themselves, especially the ones that you mentioned (a pt requires a doctorate!).
the main thing is to be happy doing what you do, average or not,…
Not a doctorate usually, but yes a master’s for PT. And ST and OT. Maybe there’s a difference between the frummy degree you get via video at Adelphi, and an actual degree that would allow an accredited school or hospital to employ you.
actually, pt’s usually get a doctorate (vast majority). but i was trying to make a general point that heshy bashes for its humor and then some people start going on unfunny/uncalled for dissing.
(btw whats st?)
ok…but still a condescending little b****
Robe stores, that’s a classic. Maternity clothes! Shells! Maternity shells! What am I missing?
Most of these jobs don’t have to be shady, but Jews always make them EXTRA shady.
I’ve worked in mortgages and it was a real legit job. I also work in computers and it’s a real legit job (I’m talking W2’s and everything! Gasp!)
Catering and waitering could be a great way to make extra cash too. No need for it all to be shady
What’s with Jews saying “I work IN ___”? You don’t work “in” computers unless you time travel back to the 1950s when they were the size of a room.
Yochanan,
I work in plumbing.
The only people I’ve met who say “I work in ____” are shady types who don’t have the chops or the training to hold down a job with a legal title like “Electrician”, “Plumber” or “Stone Mason”. Every time it’s meant sketchy bookeeping, shoddy work, substandard materials, stuff missing from the job site or complete innocence of building codes and best practices.
I work in plumbing also. But when someone asks me what i do i tell them
i lay pipe. dirty yes but funny.
It’s the INDUSTRY, as in “I work in the mortgage industry”
The catering thing is so true
One of your funnier i.e. truer posts
What about the guys who “work in insurance” ?
Insurance isa catch-all for anyone who has a BA and no job experience. All it involves is pushing paper and a high tolerance for boredom. (And I don’t think you’re allowed to blog at work.) I worked in insurance for two years. It was sheer hell.
I beg to differ. Here I sit deep in the underbelly of an insurance company, blogging away. (I guess that doesn’t quite prove that I am allowed to, though)
I’m not sure what exactly you did when you “worked in insurance”, but in my experience it involves so much more than just pushing paper and a high tolerance for boredom. Trust me, sometimes we get to operate a micro-fiche reader too!
what about camera/ video store clerk??
Amazing
Careful where you step. Construction requres an actual license and a willingness to adhere to actual building codes. Not to mention actual knwoledge of construction.