The National Shadchans Association is demanding higher commissions and if those demands aren’t met, they will strike. The National Shadchan Association (NSA) is made up of about 1200 professional Shadchanim. In order to apply, a Shadchan must be married and have made at least 25 shidduchim. 25% of the members are men and membership has swollen in the last few years due mostly to the shidduch crisis and the rush to get married as fast as possible before there are no boys left.
Chani A. told FS-News that she is sick and tired of being paid next to nothing for being what she calls a therapist and marketer and someone akin to a used car sales person at the same time. “You would not believe the demands that some people have these days, they want her to be this beautiful person inside and out, while they can be the ugliest, most nasty person.” Apparently everyone thinks they are fit for a king or queen and clearly, that’s just not the case.
We have also learned that the younger members of NSA are less demanding because they are newlyweds with no experience who just want to get a free pass to Olam Habah, but senior NSA members are flabbergasted at the low commissions, sometimes as low as $500 per match. Another member wishing to remain anonymous informed us that she had to keep a second job as a sheitle macher just to make ends meet. When we asked her if “ends meet” had anything to do with her Lexus SUV and diamond bling, she had no comment.
The strike, expected to take place sometime next week, has parents scrambling to find their kids suitable matches, since the NSA has stated that any ongoing matches will be grandfathered into the new commission structure, which we have been told, may be a drastic change from the traditional “only pay if you get hitched” policy. FS- News has learned that NSA is seeking to charge everyone that uses their service, regardless of results (i.e. actual nuptials). Surcharge fees for ugly people, picky people, older singles and broken engagements are all on the table.
Malki S. reminded us that broken engagements are one of the biggest pains for a shadchan — it’s like selling a high priced entertainment system and having it returned. Fees for broken engagements will vary based on the amount of prior engagements broken and the age of the couple – similar to insurance. We have learned that some couples merely get engaged to satisfy friends and family, receive some gifts, eat some soggy broccoli salad and then break it off before the hall has been reserved. Malki S. also revealed to us that Older Singles are next to impossible to set up and rather than face discrimination lawsuits, they will simply charge them a higher fee to deal with their “pickiness” (a coined term).
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahahahaha.
You need to elaborate on the car salesman part. Selling lemons and clunkers.
What happens if the couple find out that the shadchan lied to both of them. Do they get a full refund and a free shadchan for when they divorce?
Oy I was hoping for a while that you’d do some satire finally, but unfortunatly its no better than your angry rants. The rants at least made me smile a little.
You know how I knwo you don’t get my stuff at all?
Because non of my stuff is angry!
Thank G-d I didn’t meet my fiance through a shadchan ; otherwise I would be screwed lol. I tried match making several times and its not as easy as it looks. I wasn’t looking for a commission though. I simply wanted to help out. I thought people are working on a project trying to resolve the shidduch crisis. I guess altruism is obsolete these days. I suggest these shadchanim find something more constructive to bide their time with like finding a lucrative profession rather than rip people off for incongruent matches.
I discovered your blog a couple of months ago. Brilliant! Hillarious!!
Keep it coming!!!!!!!
I caught this post off of your facebook link, subheaded as: ” Shadchanim may go on strike if commissions aren’t raised.”
I was so psyched, man! While its funny as hell I was actually hoping you had heard something through the grapevine that I hadnt.
The collapse of the shidduch-as-business model, were it to occur, could potentially be the best thing to happen to orthodox Judaism since kosher Oreos. Oh well. Fingers crossed.
On the evolutionary scale are they above snake-oil salesmen or used-car salesmen? and are they just biologicaly incapable of saying the truth?
I suggest to alleviate the problem we incorporate legal representations and warranties to these financial transactions.
Funny. If only this were true more people would end up married. Problem with shadchans is that they think matching people up is like selling a house or car. Main difference is that the house or car doesn’t have feelings and have to put up with the picky shopper.
You cannot pay someone enough to deal with people’s expectations. The saddest person who came to me looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and wanted a skinny beautiful Kate Hudson type with money. I was one of those l’shem mitzvah people. As for the rest of the shadchans, you should unionize,but then you would have to declare the income. Decisions, decisions.
What the hell is a “Kate Hudson type?” Has she really become the standard for beauty…? Because… woah.
I understand the concept of the shadchan, but it just – well – bothers me.
Someone a lot like a used car salesman with no personal relationship to any of the parties is selling sex to virgins.
She selects a few makes and models. And both you and she are under pressure to close the deal without a test drive. If you take your time and look around the price you have to pay goes up, and the quality of the vehicle goes down. The FBI investigates the color of the tablecloth at the home of the guys who put the car together. And instead of getting a learner’s permit (low-key adolescent dating), a driver’s license and maybe G-d forbid a test drive or two you have to buy the only one you’ll ever drive without every having been behind the wheel.
Awesome!!
I actually fell for it for a minute. I was wondering “FS news”?
Great one!