Two men were injured today at what bystanders have been calling a makom kavua confrontation. Witnesses say that a modernishe guy entered the shul a little bit late and took the first seat he could find, shortly afterward, a large burly fellow with a scruffy face and a lot of dandruff on his shoulders demanded that the young man leave the spot he was sitting in because he claimed it was his brother in laws seat. Since the young man was just back from Israel, he was having so much kavannah that he didn’t look up from his prayers, until the burly man started cursing him out in Yiddish, telling him that he wasn’t even Jewish – a scuffle started and both men started throwing punches.
“It was nothing like I had ever seen, and at first most people thought it was just two people clopping the shtender to remind everyone to say yale vayavo” one witness stated.
The Rav of the shul is horrified that such an incident could get so out of hand, he admits that the shul has a strict makom kavua policy and that some of the older members of the shul call themselves the makom kavua police – but this kind of thing has never happened – and on Rosh Chodesh to add insult to injury – “at least it was a two day rosh chodesh” – he added.
According to Michel Morris its been a problem for years, he says that the folks who get most incensed about makom kavua’s are the same guys that sound like they are going to kill the lainer when he makes a mistake – they also tend to yell at children making noise in shul and they get mad when the chazzan doesn’t sing the tune. Michel also told FS – News that he couldn’t understand how the shul could ever welcome new members or outsiders if there weren’t any seats. The Rav told us that there plenty of seats at the front of the shul, but that his members tended to stare at newcomers making them feel uncomfortable.
One modern orthodox Rabbi informed us that in his shul the makom kavuahs were clearly marked by seat cushions, old dirty tissues and makeshift shtenders – and that they didn’t allow makom kavuah police to operate on the premises. When asked why they couldn’t be more friendly like the modern orthodox shul, the Rav responded that those people didn’t have makom kavuahs because they never actually came to shul.
Although the young man declined to comment as to whether or not he would be pressing charges, we think he is going to sue the shul for discrimination against his yarmulke style.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Heshy, you are the new Jewish “Onion”.
I’m trying, I really am – its time I really did satire – and I have more to come
Good stuff, Heshy.
I always used to say that there is only one makom kavuah and that is after 120 years!
Hey, this sounds like the shul I daven in!
You think this is funny, but anyone visiting Crown Heights for yom tovs or holidays during the 80s and early 90s saw this (plus more) firsthand.
770 was unofficialy divided into sections by visiting groups and locals, they fought a gang war for 770 turf for hours before farbrengens. Usually limited to fists and kicks which occasionaly required hatzalah, I remember a French guy pulling a switchblade on a local who tried the “hey your in my spot” thing.
I was able to get into both Anglo and French sctions as I’m bilingual. Only ones I couldn’t get near was the Israelis, but then again who wanted to? They hadn’t discovered deodorant back then…
Then the Rebbe would speak about the importance of Ahavas Yisrael, Hachnosas Orchim, I always wondered if those frummer han thou locals with their makom kavuas ever actually listened to anything he said.
It really disturbs me how this sort of thing isn’t obviously satire until about half way through.
hence the point of it
I also have a friend who left his shul because of unpleasantness about a makom kavua. This guy’s makom was next to his and he rarely came to shul, so my friend would have his son sit there. When the guy did show up, usually well into the davening, he would start screaming, even though there were many other empty seats. And often his friends would “protect” his seat for him, when he wasn’t even there. My friend said that if the idea of makom kavua — by someone who didn’t even use it — was more important than him being able to daven with his son, he was in the wrong shul.
lol. phil. frenchies dont wear deoderant either… and Heshy im obviously not a guy but this is hysterical.
Shuls should have designated guest seats.
This is one major difference at conservative synagogues. Most have a special section where the bar mitzvah family sits, which is designated for those guests extending themselves to come on a day other than the two or three (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) on which they usually attend.
While regulars have a “makom kavua” in their minds at other spots, they only get to keep it if they show up before anyone else. These are the people who are in synagogue shabbos morning for psukai dzimra at 9. Everyone else shows up 10-10:30 (or later).
On weekday morning minyan, you can sit anywhere but the back row.
makom kavuahs were clearly marked by seat cushions, old dirty tissues and makeshift shtenders
Perfect imagery!
Heshy, is this a true story?
Good thing you guys don’t use hat pins. Up in the ladies gallery, we need strong protective railings when the fighting gets rough.