Coming out to my family was difficult. Especially since I wasn’t telling them I was gay, I was just telling them I wanted to be Jewish.
I was 14 the first time I told my mother I wanted to be Jewish. She reeled her arm back like a baseball player (she is Dominican) and she smacked me across the face.
Altogether, I think that went rather well since when my sisters told her they wanted to be Wiccans, my mother took them for an exorcism.
The second time I got it into my head to become Jewish and actually converted and everything, I…didn’t tell my mother at all. I just ran away from home. Changed my name. Didn’t leave a forwarding address. If you knew my mother, you would understand. An exorcism would have been the least of my problems.
I was 25 when I told my father for the first time I wanted to convert. He took it so well that he forgot. About the entire conversation.
The second time I told him I wanted to be Jewish, I tried a new tactic. I said, “Guess what, Dad, you’re going to have Jewish grandbabies!” I thought it was a good opening but all I heard on the other end was silence. And then my Dad just started laughing, the kind of laughter you could hear around the world. It was an international call.
My Dad has an interesting sense of humor. When I told him I was marrying my white Jewish husband, he said, “Well, I dated a Filipino girl once.”
My sisters said, “We picked our religion, you should pick your religion.” They were also convinced that I would be giving them presents on all eight days of Chanukkah.
I came out to my cousins in DR, who are the kind of Catholics that actually go to church and don’t have sex before marriage (I know, right?). My cousin, said, “Whatever brings you closer to G-d.” But I’m not sure if she realizes that this means I don’t believe in Jesus and I’m not going to be the one to tell her.
My aunt thought I was joining a cult. But she was polite about it, she didn’t tell me to my face. She told my sister who told me who told my other sister. In Dominican culture, that’s what we call bochinche (gossip). When there isn’t a new Spanish telenovela (soap opera) on, Dominicans thrive on it.
My coworkers created a pork eater’s only table. Obviously, working in high school makes you regress. On a frequent basis, we acted out parts from Mean Girls. And for some reason, I was always Lindsay Lohan falling into a trash can.
My friend Carrie thought I was just going through a phase. A phase that involved not returning her calls on Fridays and Saturdays. Giving her all my pants. Forgoing our favorite Chinese-Latino restaurant. But that’s not what pushed her over the edge. It was giving up Halloween that finally earned a “WHAT THE F#$%!” and some other stuff in Chinese I didn’t understand.
Right about then I decided it’d be simpler if I just left voicemails on people’s phone announcing my new life change. And it was. So much easier, some people never called me back. Ever. It’s been like four years, do you think they’re just busy?
Lesson learned. If you want to get rid of your crappy friends, don’t stop wearing deodorant, just tell them you’re converting to Judaism.
Aliza Hausman is a Dominican-American Latina and Orthodox Jewish convert (Jewminicana for short!), freelance writer, blogger (at “Memoirs of a Jewminicana”) and speaker.
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Wow, very intriguing!
I also learned who my real friends were (and weren’t) when I became a ba’alas teshuva, though there was no slapping or exorcisms involved!
No slapping? No exorcisms? Well, I’m sure that your friends devised other torture methods?
this is pretty much the exact same way my family reacted to me telling them I wasn’t orthodox or religious anymore, and then married someone not jewish. I had to tell my parents like 5 times before they seemed to remember it, my dad thought I was going through a ‘teenage rebellion phase’ (the last time he said that to me I was 26) . I’ve told lots of family members, and some have responded and some I have never heard back from. If you want to lose a lot of crappy friends, you can also tell them you’re not religious anymore.
theres a big difference between dropping your religious observance and marring a non Jew, family’s that ex communicate there kids for becoming non religious are wrong unless he/she is having a bad effect on the rest of the family which is very rare, but marring a non Jew its totally different story how can you blame your parents and friends for going nuts on you , when you actually did something to them to get them to act like that, something that most Jews consider a red line not to be crossed.
word, dude. Marrying a non-jew is totally stepping over the line.
I have a friend of mine whom I went with to a chasidishe cheder when we were kids, who is non religious (doesn’t believe in God), and his father is a pretty well known guy in the yeshivah world, but he keeps in contact with his son, because he knows that if he doesnt keep in contact with him all will be lost.
How nice of this man, to keep in contact becuase otherwise “all will be lost.”
I suppose keeping in contact becuase it is his son just isn’t enough of a reason.
seems like an arbitrary line drawn in the sand to me. Why is it anyone else’s business who i marry and why should who i marry “get someone to act like that.” I live in a reasonable world where I expect people to react reasonably to other people’s marriage decisions- in my view totally disowning someone or cutting off a friendship becuase you don’t ‘agree’ with who they are marrying is an entirely unreasonable reaction. Just becuase orthodox jews have made this the norm doesn’t mean it is right.
Agreed, I understand the parents pain – but orthodox Jews need to realize that not everyone who grew up in the community is going to abide by their rules.
Why? Her kids will be halachically Jewish, so according to the Orthodox they haven’t actually “lost” any population with this move. So the f what if she intermarries? Isn’t it more significant that she no longer identified with the religious practices and communal values that she grew up with, and her family still maintains?
I don’t think there’s a big difference. Understand, for my mother at the time, I WAS saying “I am dropping my religious observance.” And for some of my relatives, I was marrying a “non-Christian” and that was a big deal. Luckily, none of the family cut me off but indeed, many friends could not cope with the idea that I was “going off the derech” by leaving Christianity.
yep, that was my point in my original comment- that our situations have a lot in common and i totally feel your pain. Sorry this thread got hijacked by a bunch of people attacking me.
Eden,
You will be back- obviously you keep in contact with your Jewish roots, coming onto this website is proof of that.
The intermarriage divorce rate is probably double the average.
You will be back-
Double the average = 120% chance, that’s harsh!
what intermarriage? We are the same religion- atheist.
also you are totally wrong on those divorce statistics. My dad tried to pull that same crap on me when I got engaged but I study divorce for a living, and it’s just…wrong. (I’m a family sociologist) Actually what matters a lot more than whether you are the same religion or not is whether you are the same level of religiousity or not- so people can be different religions as long as they are both equally non religious. It’s only when one person is religious and the other person is not that divorce rates start to go up. Thankfully we don’t have that problem.
Abandoning Eden has probably decided to run away again after reading those comments, you guys, and I wouldn’t blame him. I’m sure he has heard all of this from his family and friends before, we don’t need to jump on the same bandwagon. Best of luck, y’all!
I’m a her, and I’m still here, just had to go do some work stuff.
I don’t think people realize how easy it is for things to be misinterpreted on the Internet and I hope people weren’t intentionally trying to be cruel, just clueless.
Interesting post and smart response to the comments above.
Aliza: Their comments were wrong not because they may or may not cause Eden to “run away again.” They’re wrong because they’re inherently nasty. There’s quite a difference. Yes, you people don’t just have to be nice because you want satisfied “customers”, you have an axe to grind, and a religion to sell. People are constantly put off by the sleaziness. You be nice because you want to be basic, decent, human beings like the rest of the civilized world. Or do you?
Well, obviously. I was only pointing out that using nastiness to try to get someone to return to their Jewish roots was quite pointless, no?
By the way, offthederech, that whole exchange earlier reminded me of all the Christians who come up to me and say, after finding out I’ve converted, “well, you’re going to hell now!” I dunno about you but generally when people tell me I’m going to hell, I usually tune out pretty quickly.
Did you just call me, “you people”? Them sounds like fighting words.
Well, the frummies come up to me and say, ” you’re worse than Hitler!!” Hitler, hell, all the same.
O-M-G. I totally understand right this second why white people keep apologize to me for other racist white people. I, like, totally almost apologized for all frummies right then.
Sheesh, I’m not trying to fight.
otd, stop hanging out around those particular frummies. When people (I’ve only had Christians say this to me) tell me I’m going to hell, I smile and say I’ll see them there.
Oh no, I forgot: you do what Hashem says: if He wants you to be nice, then you be nice. If he wants you to be nasty, why of course you be nasty. Isn’t it great to receive orders direct from the One Above?
Ah, the memories.
Sorry you had so much “fun” in Orthodox Judaism. I can tell you got burned pretty good. Despite what you might think because of my religious affiliation, I’m not a big fan of people who use G-d or religion as an excuse to be nasty to people.
Converting to Judaism is a great career choice for a lot of women. They get to marry their rich Jewish lover boys and have all the material possessions their heart desires. In the meantime they can still love Jesus.
I don’t know that much about Aliza but anyone who defends the fraudulent conversion of Ivanka doesn’t deserve my respect and is also suspect. Btw she censors anyone who disagrees with her. What are you afraid of Aliza?
Oh, so you’re sort of a gross person overall, right? “Most conversions are fraudulent”?
What am I afraid of? Um, that there are more people like you than people like me in the world.
I love Jesus about as much as I love my mother. Go read my blog and if you need an explanation for THAT one.
And yes, I will continue to defend “my peeps,” converts, from people like you.
Aliza Hausman is articulate, witty, and has a good heart. She’s religious too, what a combination!
There’s no reason to be such a prick to her – especially if the comments given are responses to things that are THOUGHT to be said, instead of actually comprehending what she’s saying.
I get that a lot with my posts. I reject nasty comments because I don’t need douschebags on my page starting some long thread of bullshit.
what’s this about fraudulent conversions? anyone I’ve met who has converted to Judaism has had to learn and do tons of stuff, had tons they needed to prove to the vaad of whomever before they got their papers (or however it’s done).
What I have to say about Ivanka Trump in “Great Article.”
Aliza, you’re the real deal. It’s always a treat to read anything you’ve written. Unfortunately, this site is often populated by people with axes to grind.
I wasn’t specifically talking about you when I wrote my comment. It was based on some of the women converts I’ve had experiences with. Nice with the name-calling. That was real mature.
If your “peeps” are as phony as Ivanka Trump then you have a problem. Her “conversion” is about as kosher as a bacon cheeseburger. But she’s your “peep” so keep “defending” her from real Jews like me. Lol!
I will keep defending my heritage and my religion from people who disrespect it like Ivanka and I couldn’t care less if you don’t like it!
Exactly, so you’ve met “some women converts” and decided based on this that “most conversions are fraud.” The math doesn’t add up. I have met some nasty frum people but I have not decided that all frum people are nasty. I have met some racist white people but I have not decided that all white people are racist. Do you see where I’m going? Perhaps if people could start viewing converts, all people, as individuals we wouldn’t feel the need to be on the defensive. I will continue to defend MY heritage and MY religion from people who disrespect it too. Remember to love the stranger.
Devarim 10- “He brings justice to the orphan and widow, and loves the ger, granting him food and clothing. You MUST also show love toward the ger, since you were gers in the land of Egypt.”
Hmmmm……
Most conversions are frauds- you the real generalizing type nu? i mean to say most conversions are frauds is not only generalizing, arrogant, absurd– i am pretty sure its completely against halachah to speak to any or about any Gerim that way… so basically you just ate a bacon cheeseburger on this blog.. watch what you say about gerim because G-d holds us to high regard. and because you have not been in any Gerim’s shoes you don’t know what goes through a ger’s heart, you don’t know what they go through. you talk about dealing with anti semitism- i would venture to say that gerim get more anti-semitism thrown at them than any born jew in this day in age. you call them frauds? what authority do you have to do that? are you posekim -no- of course no – because they know better. Read Torah, Hashem protects gerim.. probably want to cool it down, go study, very few things can get you a a ticket to gehennah like loshon hora towards Gerim…
How refreshing it is to read your article Aliza. I’m Jewish but from a non-religious family, and up until recently my family liked me and I had lots of non-Jewish friends. As I’ve become increasingly observant, many friends and family have dropped off my horizon completely.
I thought for a while “There must be something wrong with me.” Then I asked myself if I would give up HaShem and His mitzvoth to get those old friends and family members back. The answer my soul gave was a resounding “NO.”
This month is a time for putting the newness of Rosh HaShana into actuality and practise. My newly developing friendships are with wonderful wise people. I’ve upgraded on all levels!
My Dad’s reaction when I became Ba’al Teshuva: “Oh you’re just trying to escape from the world.”
His ‘wife’s’ reaction: to call my mezuzah (in a derogatory way) a “meshuggenah”.
Mum’s reaction: “Don’t put all your religious cr*p on me!” when I was quietly blessing the food before I ate it. Although now she keeps Shabbos (lights candles, does kiddush etc) with me and keeps kosher too, B”H.
My relatives (Catholics) when I said about being observant:
“Ohhh…………….” Long uncomfortable silence, then change of subject.
The rest of the old friends and relatives have simply stopped calling, writing, or having any connection.
HaShem’s worth it. I feel I’ve grown apart from those people anyway.
* A note to the abomination who calls itself a “real Jew” in the above posts i.e.-”the fraudster”: According to our Sages, Ba’al Teshuvot and Gerim are MUCH, MUCH higher spiritually than “born Jews”. There are many, many reasons for this fact, one of them being that the “yoke of the mitzvot” are taken on gladly, by CHOICE, not by birthright. Also, the Ba’al and the Ger tend to come to Judaism with a fresh, enthused and devoted heart and mind, whereas the born Jew can often do “mechanical Judaism” which is worthless and loaded down with parental baggage and guilt. Many, like yourself, also don’t know or keep halachot, so it’s just a rote sequence of festivals, and a conformist way of blending in with your environment.
If you knew any halacha (that’s Jewish Law) then you would now be in deep repentance and remorse for the extreme Lashon Hara that you have used against Aliza. You have broken about 35 mitzvoth by what you have written to her, and about Gerim in general. And mitzvoth does not mean ‘commandment’ it means ‘connection’, so you have broken your connection with G-d, Aliza, me, others, and worst of all with your own Jewish soul.
We may not even SPEAK of a newly Jewish person as a ‘convert’. They are Jewish souls who were at Sinai with us (Were you there? Do you remember saying “Yes, I will keep and do, and then understand”?). Just as there are Jews who were born into Gentile bodies, I believe the reverse is also true. Which one are YOU???
FrumGer – NICE ONE! Love the comment about the ‘ticket to ride.” lol RESPECT!!!!!
Aliza, G-d bless and keep you always. Thanks for your article. It’s very reassuring, comforting and funny too. Anyone who gives you a hard time is NOT a ‘real Jew’. And you probably already know that you need not identify as a convert, EVER, unless you want to. You are a Jew, plain and simple. Abraham Aveinu was the very first ‘convert’ AND he’s the Father of the Jewish Nation. Rabbi Akiva, one of our greatest Sages was born of Gerim, (as were MANY of the Talmudic Sages) and Ruth Imeinu, from whose line Moshiach will come – she was another beautiful Ger.
Thanks for writing. Shana Tova, Shabbat Shalom, and many blessings from HaShem to you, B”H.
Xanthe
Xanthie good comment-
absolutly true, all gerim have a jewish neshamah, just got mixed up on the way down…. so true on the bt thing, yiddin that are not observant sometimes become intimidated by someone that returns to hashem. this blog is infamous for making fun of baal teshuvahs because when your new you still have that divine spark and you actually do things with chavanah. frummies that have lost that, and become cold just make fun of those that still have it… like making fun of someone clopping during the sixth prayer in the amidah, when you beat your chest hard because you are actually repentitive instead of tapping it barely as if to say this is just a dance move, repitition nothing more… i personally hate that stuff and should be off limits (and think it is) just like gerim. but anway thanks for the back up .. have a Gut shabbes
aliza – you speak with such honesty and wit. great post
General Trujillio, z’l, the late dictator of the Dominican Republic, executed by the CIA(or KGB?) in the 60s, was the ONLY head of state willing to take in Jewish refugees during the Holocaust.
I guess I’m lucky in that none of my immediate family is at all religious of any flavor and the family that was church going is either dead or senile by now so I didnt have to deal with that. So far all my non Jewish friends understand that I wont pickup the phone or answer emails during Shabbat and about the dietary changes, etc. etc. etc. The only flack I’ve had was from someone in the local community who at the Sukkot dinner table went as far as to say that no convert here in Japan is really Jewish (4 converts at the table).
I guess I should give a big up to Heshy, Aliza and all the other guest posters and regular commenters here. Y’all are absolutely the best!
Great post Aliza. I can identify in some ways having done the opposite (leaving orthodoxy like AE.)
The discussion in the comments is interesting too. The whole “no ger is a true jew” vs. “gerim and baalei teshuva are on a higher level thing” discussion is bizarre. Gerim and baalei teshuvah don’t want to be put down because of the way they came to Judaism, and they shouldn’t be, but why would a ger or baal teshuvah pull the “we’re higher spiritually than you” card? Is it not putting down those that were born frum? No one chooses whom they are born to, so why the distinctions – why does someone HAVE to be better based on the status of their birth?
Hey, Chanief. Yes, it is bizarre. People will say a great deal of things when they’re being attacked.
Of course, that’s no excuse!
I don’t think a Gerim or a Baalie teshuvah think they are better jews, quite the contrary… i mean most gerim hide the fact that they are gerim, dropping the ivanu or imanu at the end of ben avraham or bat sarah so as to not have the sirens go off in shul…. they are ambiguous on purpose because they are insecure. likewise a lot of BT’s act like they have been frum there whole life. they get what i call “cheder envy” because they didn’t grow up frum. of all yidden these two groups i would say are the most insecure, and its not that Hashem thinks they are better, but they need special attention. that being said, the whole gerim/ BT being on a higher spiritual plane is true according to chazal, so if xanthie quotes chazal so be it. But i don’t think either are better than the other, just different….when people are bashing gerim like they just want a rich husband, that is against halachah,i was merely pointing that out, for the sake of heaven. but formally i think i am no better than anyone.
Dude, even secular holidays I totally get made to feel sooooo uncomfortable. Thanksgiving I rode a good 5 hours with my sweet grandmother to see my mother for thanksgiving. A good three hours of it I got the whole I’m going to hell and my beliefs are crap lecture.
Ah, the holidays.