I don’t do well on the Upper West Side. Now, I know what you’re thinking- you’re asking yourself how it could be possible that a man like me isn’t the toast of the town over there in the epicenter of the Jewish singles scene. In fact, I spent the entire Simchas Torah asking myself the same thing. Let me tell you right now- I thought I had this thing in the bag. I’ll sum up for you my calculations: we’ve got these guys over there on the Upper West Side. They are arrogant and obedient, sheltered and cocksure. They all wear the same uniform. They’ve been to university but know nothing about the world, although many of them have very good manners. They drink terrible wine.
Then we’ve got me, the challenger, a plucky Midwestern underachiever who is putting himself through college against the odds, well-read and funny, poorly dressed but clean. I kind of figured the girls would like the change of pace. I thought they’d enjoy slumming it for a while.
I was wrong, of course.
The girls ignored me and the guys condescended to me. I couldn’t get my foot in the door. I should have accounted for the fact that these blue bloods wouldn’t be immediately receptive to an asshole like me, an under-dressed yokel with little to no people skills. So I did what any sound-minded individual would do when forced to engage with hundreds of hostile strangers- I got piss drunk. At least now I had the courage to dish it back to these schmucks. Of course, the alcohol helped me take affront at many imagined slights, causing me to lash back at innocent jerks for minor things they didn’t even intend. I met a friend’s sister and followed her for a while as she ignored me and flirted with other guys, commenting loudly to her about what idiots they were.
This was all to my taste. I love feeling wounded and superior. I’m also a real glutton for punishment- there is something masochistic in me that really takes pleasure in being vilified. I’m talking, insult me and I will be genuinely entertained. Let me give you an example. I was being unusually crass with a young lady doctor who seemed to be enjoying it- until a more interesting man came by (read: bigger, with more muscles), and suddenly she pretended to be offended. They both turn on me and say some snide things, so I stick around and act belligerent for a while. Now, to these people’s credit, they do try to reinstate an air of civility, which I roundly reject.
Stud: (To Lady Doctor) Schwartzie kind of reminds me of M___, doesn’t he remind you of M___?
Lady Doctor: Yeah, actually, he does.
Me: M___ must be a big f*ing dick.
Stud: Actually, M___ isn’t a bad person to be compared to, looks-wise.
Me: Oh, you meant looks-wise. I thought you meant personality-wise.
Stud: Oh, no. If I meant personality-wise, M___ would have to really be a giant dick.
At which point I laughed my ass off.
Look, I get it. I sabotage myself. But it’s not like I need the help. From what I have gathered, people are not born on the Upper West Side; they make their way there, from the Tri-State area or from out of town- but what they all have in common is that they are, by Jewish standards, old money. Now, this is a pretty broad generalization, and the definition of “having money” is widely varied. Not everyone is loaded. But a lot of these people are living off of their parents, and almost all of them receive some sort of support from them. They are used to keeping a certain type of company, no matter where they’re from, and they have congealed into a sort of aristocracy. You know, a private club in which the members can instinctively recognize each other without introduction, and can spot an intruder a mile away. That’s the thing about aristocrats. They hate intruders.
Yeah, I’m insecure about money, but I think I’m right. I think there is a definite stress on class status here, and the difference between they and I is clearly visible. I grew up differently from these people, in a small, very yeshivish community. Not Brooklyn yeshivish, but real yeshivish. People all lived in small houses around the one Yeshiva, had big families and piled kids into bedrooms (I roomed with my two brothers growing up). If there were guests, the kids slept on the floor. Some families had money, but you didn’t notice it because they didn’t really act different. The gvir was a very successful man, but he lived like a pauper by New York standards. And that’s classy, in my opinion. The ability to have it but not to flaunt it.
Not that this tendency towards ostentation is relegated to the Jewish community alone- in fact, it is typical of the entire New York elite, who live unaffected by the fact that this is one of the most socioeconomically polarized places in the country, if not the world. Those that aren’t on top want to be on top, pretend to be on top, spend massive chunks of their revenue on cars they can’t afford so that they could fool girls long enough to spread their legs for them. And yeah, “modern orthodox” girls on the Upper West Side screw. That’s reality.
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
“One thing you have going for you,” a girl I know told me, “is that you are masculine. All of these guys up here have very feminine tendencies.” I was surprised. I never thought of myself as particularly masculine, but apparently I am. So there’s that. A minor consolation: at least I come off as being of my own gender. Which is more than those pussies can say.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Without trying to sound like a the redneck that I sometimes am, sounds like you was catfishing on a trout stream.
Boring…
cunt.
WTF is a “Blue Blood”? In reference to Jews on the Jewish Festival of Simchat Torah?
A “Blue Blood” Jew made you feel uncomfortable?
Maybe you have a problem
Nice post. I could have saved you time and told you what aholes they were before you went.
Loved it!
Most of the time, I read your posts and laugh, you really have a knack for observation. I will say, as I am sure ive said before on here- this UWS stereotyping is getting very old. As you said, I wasn’t born here, but I live here. I am not made of old money or new money or any money for that matter. My mommy and daddy don’t pay for me to live here or support me. I am a girl who doesnt and know many girls in the UWS who don’t “screw” around. Deep down I know you aren’t talking about me, but I do take offense at this ridiculous generalization that you are making for the community I live in. Yeah there are d-bags and a-holes that live in this area, but who said Brooklyn and Queens are free of those types? It would be cheaper for me to live in those place, but then I would have to deal with those people, AND have an hour and a half commute to work.
So you came in for Simchat Torah, and people were mean to you and ignored you. Did you think for once that acting like a belligerent drunk would help score you some girls? Maybe acting that way was your subconscious covering up how much you don’t think you fit in. Write me a post on the young community in the other boroughs and then we’ll talk. At least then it will be a fair comparison. For now, its all too easy to write yet another thing abt how much the UWS sucks.
I agree especiall as an UWS native – I think the stereotyping is fun, but the community has gotten too large to just blanket the stereotypes – you have to do it by shul nowadays
LOL Heshy!
You sound like a dick.
yeah, that’s the point, asshole.
There is a new documentary about the ’shidduch crisis’ on the upper west side, perhaps you should check it out. Very interesting sociologically.
House parties are the way to go. Not the meat markets/ shuls. Thats how u gotta roll the dice.
Take it from me…
Way funny! Spot on!
Hey schwartzie! You still single? I don’t like feminine guys, which my last 3-first dates have been with…laaame.
But seriously, very observant and funny post. Sorry you had to deal with those assholes.
Shwartzie, I think you should ask out “frumcurious” ! …she wants it.
Good piece!
love,
a girl you know
NotanUWSsider, why take offence? You know he is absolutely right, most girls do sleep around with the same guys, this horrible circle formation. A lot of YU students grads/undergrads and Sterns Girls grads/under grads and JAPS/ “blue bloods” have their parents feeding them money. In my school my professor once asked, how many of you have your own bank account, only two of us raised our hands, Need I say more? You’re offended because it is true and you don’t want to be associated with the truth. Don’t act like UWSiders are shomer negiah, not racist, not egotistical, brilliant and kind.
Shidduch Crsis in the UWSide? Could it becauase everyone screwed around with each other. So you end up marrying your best friend’s sloppy third.
Notan uwsider you mean you might have to travel an hour and a half to work? Boo hoo grab a book like the rest of us and stop your complaining. I could have lived in the uws too but I didn’t feel like paying an extra grand in rent and living with 3 putzes in their thirties who would probably complain about not getting dates.
I go up to the UWS every Simchas Torah and I never see what you see. Maybe you’re going to the wrong shuls and hanging with the wrong crowds.
Ok, I hear what you are saying. Yes there are people up there who are not perfect. Far from it. But I am an out of towner, from the midwest (which isn’t perfect either) and to me these same people live in the other boroughs and aren’t much better, or less racist (for sure) or more Shomer negiah. They don’t sleep around less, they just aren’t as open about it, i guess. Hell, I’ve gone on dates with guys from Brooklyn who were so much worse than any guy I have ever met in the UWS. My point isn’t that the UWS is better or that its not what you say it is at all, the point is that if you meet a girl and she tells you she lives in the UWS, your first thought shouldn’t be, wow, she must be a slut. Or, wow, I think I have a chance to get laid with her. Very simple.
And yes, I do read books on my way to work, as well. And I live with one person who was my roommate in college. And yes, I do have a choice about who I live with and what people I interact with and how much I let people complain to me about not getting dates.
You pride on yourself being educated and more worldy – if that is the case you would know how to better carry yourself, and be charming – not a belligerent ass.
Sorry man, your rant is misdirected.
You pride on yourself being educated and more worldly – if that is the case you would know how to better carry yourself, and be charming – not a belligerent ass.
Sorry man, your rant is misdirected.
I live in the UWS and I have not idea where you got your conclusion from.
I don’t know anyone from old money and hardly anyone from new money.
You need to switch crowds babe.
maybe your friends commute.
Shwartzie, you need to have your mouth washed out with soap. Seriously, was it absolutely necessary for you to respond to Michaltastik’s negative comment with a word so vulgar that I refuse to repeat it? You might wish to consider the possibility that your casual and needless use of vulgar language is one reason why you’re still single.
Your comment has been deleted
The second Earl of Rochester used the same language and he got laid all the time.
That’s because the second Earl of Rochester, John Wilmot was a lecherous villain and cheated on his wife all the time.
Besides, anybody who was friends with King Charles II was a slut. The king himself had two mistresses that were distinguished as the “catholic whore” and “protestant whore”.
Just goes to show the English CAN throw a good party.
FrumCurious, must you be so juvenile?
Schwartzie, I didn’t say that such vulgar insults were preventing you from getting *laid,* I said they were preventing you from getting *married.* Maybe there are some women who don’t have enough seichel/common sense not to *sleep* with a man who shows no respect for women, but what woman would want to spend the rest of her life with a man who thinks that verbally abusing woman on a regular basis is perfectly acceptable?
Yes.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the uws and gotta agree that there are different crowds who don’t fit the stereotype.
BUT there are plenty of ppl who do.and there are a ton of wannabes who wish they did. But airheaded rich Jews are part of every hood. You just can’t escape them.
She’s right. We have them here in redneckville.
Simchat Torah on the West Side is a good opportunity to see the “best and brightest” of modern orthodox singledom try their hardest to attract attention, or at least catch up with people they don’t see too often. It doesn’t seem to be the great singles meeting place it used to be. Just the “new kids” on the block trying to look cocky and suave and the older ones still making an attempt to be social, hoping for the best. For us gay guys, it’s a great display of kosher eye candy. Jews are getting better and better looking every year, B”H.
Hi Swartzie,
I know you prefer insults, but I can’t give you one right now. I’m too busy laughing.
Even down under, here in Australia, we have the ‘old money’ Jewish elite. It was only when I became more observant and joined a community that I actually heard this for the first time:
Five-year-old girl, speaking of her friend’s parents’ wealth.
Me: “Are they really really rich?”
5-yr-old girl: “They’re comfortable.”
It’s a MAJOR consolation to come off as being your own gender, Swartzie. Respect!!!
Do some of the posters here recognise humour when it hits them like a sledgehammer between the eyes?
Schwartzie, I can’t imagine people bothering to log in here and read satire and then be offended by it…….???????
Keep up the good work. Some of us are laughing our a**es off!
I asked my friend’s daughter, that same 5-year-old girl (just joking around with her) how she was going to be able to recognise her own husband, since ALL the guys around Melbourne have black suits and hats, tzitzis, glasses, and a beard.
“Well, that’s why you marry them when they’re REALLY young, before they grow a beard,” she explained.
She’s one of the smartest girls I know.
Which upper west side are you talking about?
The upper west side of what??
I don’t understand this post