I am a self-described Jewminicana—a Jewish American Dominican hybrid, who grew up Dominican in New York and converted to Judaism.
I make identity seem like an extreme sport.
Either people are really uncomfortable around me (“You can’t be Jewish and Latina, you have to choose!”) or really, really comfortable around me. So comfortable, they’ll ask me just about any awkward question that pops into their head.
For instance…
Do you have sex through a hole in a sheet?
Honestly, if I did, would I be telling you?
And how come you won’t eat food that’s not blessed by a rabbi?
Then I have to get into the fact that kosher does not mean a rabbi performed some kind of Jewish hocus pocus over my turkey sandwich.
But then my friends want to know exactly what kosher means and they get this worried look on their face like kosher means I’m going to starve from lack of options.
I tell them kosher means no pork (which my Mami never let me eat anyway), no cheeseburgers (did I mention I’m lactose intolerant), no shellfish (amazingly I’m allergic) and no octopus legs (which I spent most of my childhood eating straight from the can. Slurp, slurp.).
Honestly, the most important food groups are kosher: rice, beans, and plantains. Obviously, my stomach is 100% Dominican.
The only conversation my deadbeat dad and my husband have ever had was about keeping kosher.
Papi told my husband how Dominicans kill chickens. By whirling them over their head until the neck cracks.
My husband told Papi how Jews kill chickens. Quick slice to the neck.
I think I made the right decision, don’t you?
Awkward question #2,506: So you don’t believe in Jesus?
I’ve gotten this question in the public bathroom, from my mother-in-law’s Hispanic maid, from my sad-faced former Santeria (Spanish voodoo) worshipping relatives.
No, I tell them, I don’t believe in Jesus.
And then they get this look on their face. This OH MY G-D look on their face which is quickly followed by the statement, “Well, you’re going to hell!”
Can anyone explain to me why Christians believe this ever makes for good, polite conversation?
And when I tell people I converted, they ask, “So you married a Jew?” As if to say I converted for marriage. I’m sorry guys, Gd, but I would never do something this crazy hard for love.
And then I’m standing all casual like outside of synagogue, after just having had a Shabbat meal (yum!) with the twit who’s aching to ask me the next stupid question of the day…
”Are you Jewish?”
No, seriously, I just like to loiter outside of Orthodox synagogues waiting to see if they’ll be handing out free gefilte fish at some point on Saturday afternoon.
For Gd’s sake, I reply, “Yes I’m Jewish.”
But then I get “Funny, you don’t look Jewish.”
It’s incredible that with my anger management problems, I don’t smack more people on a daily basis.
My Jewish friends want to know why Dominican women dress like…what was the word they used? Sluts. And my Dominican friends want to know why Jewish women dress like they hate their bodies. I mean, for instance, Catholicism doesn’t say anything about being a walking fashion faux pas for Jesus.
One little beady-eyed Dominican lady laughed at me for wearing sneakers and a skirt. She didn’t think I understood Spanish. You see, people don’t think I’m Hispanic, they think I’m biracial.
I know this because I’ve been asked:
Are you part black?
Are you African-American?
And…why is your hair so nappy?
Sometimes all in the same conversation.
When I tell Dominican cab drivers I’m Dominican too, they turn around in their seats to look at me with open mouths agape and they ask, “You’re Dominican?”
Didn’t I just say I was?
So I don’t look Jewish, Dominican or American.
I know I don’t look American because the other day at a Shabbat table, while reaching over for my next piece of challah, I got asked, “Are you from America?”
As the wife of a future rabbi, I’ve been told that it’s not kosher to give people the finger.
My not Orthodox Jewish friends want to know if I’m Orthodox because I hate women. Well, obviously, aren’t I wearing my “I’m Orthodox, I hate women” t-shirt.
No, I’m probably wearing my “Gotta Love that Jewfro” t-shirt. So that five people ask me if I’m Jewish that day. No, I just like wearing Jewish shirts. Hello? DUH.
Am I wearing a sign that says ask me stupid questions, please? And If am, how can I get this thing surgically removed?
Aliza Hausman is a Dominican-American Latina and Orthodox Jewish convert (Jewminicana for short!), freelance writer, blogger (at “Memoirs of a Jewminicana”) and speaker.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
HA HA HA!
“As the wife of a future rabbi, I’ve been told that it’s not kosher to give people the finger.”
I’ve gotten all these questions and then some really stupid ones (from backwoodsy pennsylvanians):
“Where ‘dem horns o’ yours?”
“You don’t have a big nose”
“Why are you jewish with straight hair?”
“You’re really tall for a jewish girl.”
The one I get THE MOST is the “you’re going to hell” comments from bible humping christians over int his neck of the woods.
I feel for you, Aliza!
hahahah i get the jesus question all the time!!!
lol i recently had a convo with an asain christian friend of mine that refused to understand the concept that we dont believe in jesus..it went something like this:
girl: so do jewish people believe in jesus??
me: no we don’t
girl: so what do you believe in then?
me: G-d…
girl: oh. well do you believe in him being the messiah?
me: no we don’t. but we believe the messiah is coming soon.
girl: oh so like another son of G-d?
me:no we don’t believe that G-d has human sons with a human woman. he is just going to be a messenger, as human as the rest of us.
girl: so it’s just like a second jesus?
me(as patiently as humanly possible at this point): no, we don’t think it is a second jesus, it’s different, but he will be the messiah.
and yes i swear this next line happened:
girl: so you believe it is just another messiah, the second one, right?
me: NO. one messiah, he hasn’t come yet.we do not believe it was jesus. and he is not the biological son of G-d.
it was a long day. discussing religion with my christian friends is like begging for a migraine.
oy vey, that was painful but hilarious to read. please, please, can I have your permission to use that as a post on my blog?
Well written and well said.
Aliza-
absolutely, go ahead! maybe the stupidity of these questions will enlighten those asking the stupid questions, but if not it will at least make someone laugh at the said stupidity.
If you don’t laugh about it you’ll probably scream.
Just know that you’re not the only one.
People are stupid. Dumb remarks come from all over. Although I must admit that I can’t decide if the remarks from some FFBs irritate me more than the BTs.
More specifically the idiotic ones in which they are surprised that we anyone who isn’t Shomer Mitzvot could know anything. Even worse are the bigots who are too stupid to recognize their own bigotry. Oh well, let them spend their days fishing for brains.
“bible humping christians”
I guess they take “loving Jesus” to a whole new level!
So, the Dominican way of slaughtering chickens is kinda like Kaparot?
Have you heard of this guy?
http://www.nidheisraelrepdom.org/Galeria%20de%20fotos/Gallery.html
Excerpt:
“Haham Yehonatan Elazar-DeMota s”t was born in Miami, Florida, USA. His family originally came from Spain and Portugal and fled to Amsterdam, Curacao, Tunisia, and went to Hispaniola between the 18th and 19th centuries. He received his Jewish education initially under Haham Yosef Benarroch for 3 years in Shulkhan Arukh and Talmud Babli. Afterwards, he studied the laws of ritual slaughtering with Hakham Yosef Bitton and was certified in shehitah by Hakham Israel haLevi Teitle and will continue his studies with Hakham Sasson Greidi, chief shohet of Jerusalem. In 2007, he continued his studies in advanced Talmudic studies in both Yerushalemi and Babli with Hakham Mordekhay Levi de Lopes s”t. Moreover, Haham Elazar-DeMota s”t, principal founder of Q”Q Nidhe Israel, the 1st Spanish & Portuguese Jews’ congregation in Miami:”
your comments are so much better than mine. mine say like, “good job.”
and I have to denigrate God to get a story up here. screw you.
Kind of reminds me of my Lutheran School classmates finding out I was agnostic (I’m not Jewish but in the past have thought of converting). One of them asked me if I believed in Jesus; I said no. She then asked me if I was Jewish? Huh? Apparently there are only two religious categories, people who love Jesus, and Jews.
Ah, poor Schwartzie. Even if we dont all comment, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t funny.
love, love, love this post!
My somewhat typical/somewhat odd conversation with an African American lady on the train yesterday – in chicago (no, not all jews live in nyc):
LADY: What nationality are you?
ME: Well, I’m American. But I’m guessing you are wondering if I am Jewish. But I that’s more of a religion than a nationality.
LADY: Yes, that is what I was wondering. Because you look Jewish, you just have that look about you. (jestures her hand in a circle around her face)
ME: Yeah, i get that a lot.
LADY: Wow, so you are Jewish. That is sooo cool. (huge smile on her face)
ME: Really? How so?
LADY: Because you are from the Chosen People. That’s what we believe in my church. You and your people are so special.
ME: Gee… Well, thank you. You are pretty special too.
THEN THE CONDUCTOR CAME AROUND AND ASKED FOR EVERYONE’S FARE (this is not a regular train, but the kind that goes from the city out to the burbs)
LADY: (to the conductor) Stamp mine twice please (and she points to me).
Moral: Sometimes it pays to look Jewish.
Your comments are so good! Bearded JewFro’d Man, can please steal your comment for a future blog post?
sure you can! and i just took a peak at your blog. love it.
b
big hugs. one of my aunts got the jewfro from my grandfather. I think it’s beautiful.
I give it to DR. During the Holocaust, they were one of the few countries that allowed Jews to emigrate (esp. after America shut its doors post-Pearl Harbor). In fact, the school where I go to (City College of New York) once had the Jewish Studies and Dominican Studies departments cosponsor a trip to the Jewish community of Santo Domingo.
Ever seen the TV show “Welcome Back, Kotter”? There was a character on that show named Juan Epstein (full name Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo DeHuevos Epstein), and he was a Puerto Rican Jew. There are plenty of jokes about his mixed heritage in the show. The only one I can remember off the top of my head is that his mother’s specializes in cooking Gefilte Mofongo. And yes, he proudly brandished a full Jew-fro!
That show was regular viewing for me as a kid and I loved the Juan Epstein character.
You and my wife would get along perfectly.
Mother is from China.
Father is Black but with a fair amount of White and Native in there.
Born in the States and grew up in East Africa.
Raised staunch Atheist but became a Muslim a few years back.
Got more than her share of discreet and not-so-discreet “Where are you from?” (answer “Philadelphia”) and more honest “What are you?” (American) and has been mistaken for everything from Nepalese to Canary Islander ?!
It took a while for my parents to accept the fact that I was going to marry her. Son, we hear you’re marrying a girl who’s part Indian. Why don’t we give you an Indian name like Sitting Shiva after the remarks about my grandfather rolling over in his grave if he knew he was going to have “polka-dot great grandchildren”. When she converted they were convinced for the longest time that she would become a radical Mohammedan Terrorist and blow things up.
Her personal motto is “Confusion to the narrow-minded”. It’s a very useful one.
Okay, Adam, I don’t feel so bad now. Now that was some food for thought. POLKA-DOT GREAT GRANDCHILDREN?!
One time, when I was explaining kashrut, my (didn’t know she was) evangelical roomie told me jesus said we can eat pork now. In the course of various furious rejoinders, I only managed to pierce her ignorance with one example of how she didn’t know sh*t about her lord. That was when I asked why, if he didn’t care about Jewish practice, he beat the moneychangers?
I didn’t get bothered after that.
{ 1 trackback }