Its Carlos and Gabbys night at the yeshiva, this usually means high attendance, the people who run the place aren’t stupid. If you want to get some punk ass 15 year old priority one kid in the door on a Tuesday night when they could be settling in for a long night of playstation instead of learning – you have to provide a reason for them to show up.
God and torah just isn’t good enough these days. Hence, the reason I am sitting on a folding chair in a basement in Far Rockaway stuffing my face with what may possibly be the most unhealthy kosher food available in NY, save for Dougies and Kosher Delight.
I have a piled my plate with onion rings, French fries, half a burger, a burrito and a pastrami eggroll, then like everyone else at the table I took a bowl of Carlos and Gabbys famous avocado ranch dressing which tastes nothing like avocado, but is great anyway. Everyone’s plates are piled high, napkins and forks are afterthoughts, as is chewing with your mouth closed, this is yeshiva after all and no women are allowed, maybe they are but this is a world away from Barnard and Far Rockaway seems devoid of feminists or women who want to learn anything besides kosher by design and how to was and set a sheitle.
The conversation is classic yeshiva guy conversation, its about cars and car leases. I am not one for leasing, but it seems that one of the hocker things to do is brag about your lease. I think a lot of guys lease cars because they cant actually afford the cars they have. For instance the dude sitting across from me has a fully loaded Maxima and pays $500 a month, how on earth he affords this is beyond me – until I realize he probably lives with his parents, doesn’t do much for entertainment and spends his money on clothes and food, with vacations of the go to the casino and grill type.
Someone learns I am in the used car business and asks me if I would buy out his lease, he can’t afford to pay anymore. That’s what happens when you have guys who make $400 a week with very expensive cars – but I guess the status is worth it. The word disgusting to imply speed is thrown around in classic yeshivish hocker fashion – the words sick and disgusting are classic to describe these things.
Suddenly the conversation is on to sports and it becomes a screaming match, I myself have no idea what people see in sports talk, but these kids are into it, including some guy who just thanked me for keeping him entertained at work. Someone has to bust out the cliché Rebbe line “If you were as passionate about learning as you are about gemera” and no one listens, they are talking and shoving food draped in mayo sauce into their mouths without missing a beat.
This is a nightly event at Rabbi Groeners yeshiva in Far Rockaway, its located in this tall redone house on the corner of Caffery and Mott, walking distance from my house and one of the only reasons I look forward to going to visit my dad in Far Rockaway. The only other thing I look forward to besides hanging out with my dad is checking my mail and going to learn at Rabbi Groeners, happens to be that going to any beis mderish is a social event for me, I get new ideas to write about, meet new people and get to connect with my roots.
The problem I confront most of the time is dress code, I don’t like changing much and usually don’t carry pants in my car and luckily for me the Rabbi doesn’t care how you look or much of what you do (I can wear my sandals on shabbos and not get a second look) – he cares that your there – Chassidic by nature he is the type who doesn’t look at a bunch of guys hanging out in the building as loitering, to him these guys made some sort of effort to be in yeshiva rather then doing God knows what. Obviously I’m a big fan, and he asked for a shout out, I doubt he thinks blogs are kosher considering that last night he told us that facebook was an issur dioraysa – when someone mentioned there is a Facebook fan page for him, obviously phone usage isn’t assur because like everyone else in the yeshiva he is a addicted to his phone and like everyone else he texts and answers calls during shiur, its laid back like that.
We are learning succos, the guy I’m sitting next to is French and he knows me because his old roommate and I used to work together – I have no idea who he is. Then some large guy with peyos near me says gives me the “frum satire” nod – the hey whats up love your stuff nod, in yeshiva settings surprisingly or not the most people know who I am and come up to me. I finally learned that those guys looking at esrogim with magnifying glasses are not just Esrog snobs, they are actually looking at something, like whether or not the outer membrane is peeled or if there are any unnatural holes or folds, interesting stuff.
In the center of the table is a portable credit card machine and every few minutes someone comes up to the Rabbi and swipes, no one just swipes, everyone makes a ruckus about it – “how much are you swiping?” gets met with “that’s between me and God” type of answers. At least 5 people swiped, I swiped $100 for some Yom Kippur seats, the first time in my life I have paid for High Holiday tickets, I usually go to chabad where it’s free and more relaxed, but I figured this year it would be good to inject some spirit into my veins and yeshivas are the best place to do it – I also know I can go without wearing a suit, very important to me and they have tables – for anyone who needs a table to daven you know that a table on Yom Kippur is gold.
The learning is only an hour, combined with all the interruptions by credit card swipers, text messaging, Jewish Geography and fist bumping it may be just 30 minutes – but I have a feeling its not just about learning, its more about community, free food and a good weeknight chill or for some folks a moment away from their kids and wives.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Why are you so obsessed with free food. Isnt that a little 14 going on 15.
To me there is nothing better on earth than something free. I get stuff i don’t even want because its free. i am the type that can get exactly what i want and pay for it, or settle for the something a not as good for a discount price- i always go discount. i just made a new washing cup because i didn’t want to spring 15-20 dollars for one. and i didn’t want a plasic one.. SO I just used a small pickle jar, took the label off and lid then constructed handles a out of some thick metal wire then dripped candle wax over it and down the sides to give it a real artisan look… it ended up pretty cool, and cost me nothing. good post Heshy.. Freebies are the best..
Frum Satire: Jewish Comedy
It ain’t always Frum, and it ain’t always Satire.
Frum Satire: Jewish Comedy
It ain’t always Frum, and it ain’t always Satire.But it is always stupid.
Make sure to read the fine print
Which makes you stupid because you waste your time here
FP-what the hell is a washing cup
I actually agree with you regarding car leases. Leases are frustrating because you don’t actually own the car while you are making payments. It’s kinda like renting out someones house, paying down their mortgage, and then moving out.
Btw, your “Links” tab is nice. HOWEVER, you’ve met me (and tried to sleep with me!) but i’m linked wrong!
http://duddes02.blogspot.com
A Netilat Yadaim cup….
You seem obsessed with women and food, perhaps not in that order. At least you know where to get free food, but apparantly don’t know where to find a woman.
Where do you think your mom was last night?
You shall never know the truth – but I do keep my status as single publicly even when I am involved with a girl.
“You shall never know the truth – but I do keep my status as single publicly even when I am involved with a girl.”
If you really wanted to keep that satus you would’ve not made that comment on a public blog.Now no girl can trust you because there all thinkin- “this guy has a girlfriend and he doesn’t wan’t us to know about her”-BIG TURN OFF
Or maybe I’m gay….you shall never know, well eventually you will – but that’s only when I make it to the New Yorker
Dear Hesh
Let’s talk bottom line here-You REALLY don’t want the responsibilities and commitments of marriage, but then again you are horney and on your salary you really can’t afford a hooker twice a day. This indeed is a dilemma that I have faced many a time. Luckily you are a semi-celebrity which means girls will have a relationship with you on your terms and you don’t have to resort to masterbation or sex with overweight women that work in Walmart.
Actually on my current Salary I probably could afford a hooker twice a day, but since I hate the people I work for – I will build up the guts to quit sooner or later – ut its quite tough to quit when your making good money – I’m sure you would understand.
I live in NY there are no Walmarts here
Free food would be nice if it was good food. I gues you still get what you pay for. We could call it “sometimes” food too I guess.
party jew,
Nice Nazi propoganda avatar there…. keepin it real nu?
I ,love how everyone has gotten so negative on this blog. I have been reading for years – (wow I can’t believe its been years) and its never been like this. It used to be that people focused on the content of the posts – now you people are just here to bash the author – who is providing for your entertainment free – he could just as well pack up his bags and just write full time for one of the other websites he writes for – yet you continue to complain and not see the good.
I love Rabbi Groeners Yeshiva and he provides an amazing service, I love free food too! In fact in the frum world everyone loves free food and Heshy knows it, hence he writes about it in detail – yet you people continue to bash his long hair, beard growing and his taste in women.
This post was supposed to be a funny and entertaining post about learning and getting off the derech kids to come learn by providing free food and you people have ruined it with your negativity. This is a humor blog and you should be happy it exists, I know that thousands of people read and never comment, its a shame because then the truth would be known.
That Heshy is a brilliantly funny guy, that has nisyaones just like everyone here and sometimes goes over board, but he provides a service to the frum community and you people don’t realize that – I rarely comment – but I felt it was needed, especially because Rabbi Groener gave up a great job at Shar Yoshuv to come and provide his service and does a great job at it.
PS – glad to know you’l be at the yeshiva for Yom Kippur
Heshy: What’s the going price for a hooker in New York?
Free food or no, I like knowing that somewhere there’s free learning going on in groups like that. Maybe someday we’ll have that here but for now I learn over skype.
So, the girl you “tried to sleep with”… sounds like an interesting story…