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Shabbat is for Shtupping

By Aliza Hausman

From Friday night to Saturday night, I observe Shabbat, you know the Jewish Sabbath, most stringently. No Twitter. No Facebook. No Blackberry. For 25 hours I am sucked into, what I like to call, a technological black hole. My friends call it Hell.

My friend Carrie screamed me out the first five times I ignored her calls on Friday night and refused to hang out with her on Saturday. Finally, I asked her, Well, why dont we hang out on Sunday.

She said, No way.

I asked Why not?

She said Because on Sundays, I rest.

No, Carrie does not believe in Jesus, she believes in Haagen daz and TiVo.

I am a New York neurotic. Relaxing is not in my vocabulary. I get through life the same way I get through driving which is by gripping the wheel until my arms get all scary and veiny and it looks like Im ready to rip the steering wheel off. Tao of Aliza: Relax when youre dead.

I started observing Shabbat because I realized that the only way I could convince myself to take a day off is if I told myself G-d was making me.

So on Shabbat when G-d says pray, I pray, when G-d says hang out with my friends, I hang out with my friends, when G-d says overeat, I do it with enthusiasm. Because people tell me on Shabbat you dont gain weight. But I find that this only works if you wait until 3 days after to hop on the scale.

Yes, there are a lot of weird rules surrounding Shabbat that were all derived from some Jewish sources I dont completely understand. Something like G-d rested on the seventh day, do like G-d. I dont worry my pretty little head about it though because Im a because G-d says so kind of girl.

So when G-d says I shouldnt be tearing toilet paper on Shabbat, I use Kleenex tissues (only the best) to wipe my butt for 25 hours. Who am I to question G-d in His/Her infinite wisdom?

While youre tooling around with your Blackberry Friday night, G-d says I get points in heaven on Friday nights for shtupping my husband. I cant read my ketubah but apparently it promises food, shelter and orgasms. What does yours say?

Of course, no one tells you that the 24 hours before Shabbat are completely, TOTALLY FREAKING INSANE. Youre cooking three meals in advance, scrubbing the toilet and worst, even WORST than all that, IRONING. All at the same time. Its a completely horrible 24 hours that you couldnt get through unless you knew you were going to spend the next 25 chilling with your latest copy of People magazine.

What? I cannot get through Shabbat without seeing a new picture of Brad and Angelina.

I know, now you understand why my husband doesn’t let me out of the house. Oy vey.

Stop playing catch up. Get ahead today withego.com

{ 62 comments… add one }
  • Phil September 10, 2009, 9:03 AM

    Your husband’s the one that gets the points for shtupping you.

  • numbermaven613 September 10, 2009, 9:07 AM

    Great post. And good luck with the shemiras shabbos.

  • iluvmusic September 10, 2009, 9:29 AM

    As the great R’ Noach Weinberg, ZT”L, mentioned:
    “no pain, no gain”
    It’s not about “because G-d tells us so”, it’s because the Torah is the guide to life!

    We are all a bunch of spoiled americans who have everything at the push of a button which then makes us nothing more but lazyheads glued and brainwashed by media. Instead of trying to learn more Torah, we waste time with other things that have no importance. I’m sure you’ll get through this! Just keep working hard!

    If you havent read this, have a look at the “5 Levels of Pleasure”
    http://www.aish.com/sp/f/48965946.html

  • erock September 10, 2009, 9:31 AM

    I used to think this blog was funny, but this is just wrong and filled with heresy

  • Daily Deist September 10, 2009, 9:49 AM

    erock- since when is heresy a problem

  • erock September 10, 2009, 10:00 AM

    I would say starting rosh chodesh ellul

  • Schwartzie September 10, 2009, 10:15 AM

    I like it because Hashem created orgasms and butt-wiping and they are part and parcel of the Shabbos experience. The other things you speak about are also parts and parcels, too.

    Good comedic timing. You go girl.

  • FrumGer September 10, 2009, 10:19 AM

    Untznuis …. men do not need to read a married women talking about the O word, its not tznuis. why couldn’t she say cohabitate or even just sex?? why does it have to brought down to something that lewd? and whats up with the personal things in the bathroom too, did you have to say that specifically? i like the post until she started talking like that..

    The one thing i ask where is the mystery that was women 75- 100 years ago? what happened?

    In general why does todays women act with so much irreverence. (exept for many frum women) my wife G-d love her is well mannered very curtious, beautiful woman, that respects herself enough, not to talk so lewdly. and she is no chassid! she wears pants and walks around with her hair uncovered. we are all our brothers keeper, men are visual creatures. as soon as a women mentions that detailed of a subject its an automatic reaction from our yetzerhora to picture it in our minds eye. this is untznuis. i know i know all the liberals and OTD’s are going to tell me that its up to men not to do that, but honestly that is a huge problem. which is why they have chumrahot about driving through a stop sign, and keeping your head down when an unmodest women walk by. what is the point of a mehitzah nu? because men are easily distracted!!! for all you that think its is the mans reponsibility and will attack me for this comment- think about if you go to shul with a mehitzah first.

    if this women is a “because G-d says so” type then i say please read Mishley- Eishes Chayil is for her.

    Help the men out ladies! be honorable.

    Am i ignoring all the good she is saying in the post? no G-d forbid!

    Am i glad she is shomer shabbos? Sure yasher koach!

    But a little chazer in the pot renders the pot unkosher. the same with this post 95% was great, but it was ruined by a little lewdness!

    i come to this site because yes its sometimes borderline – but mostly its clean, where i have a voice though small. i can only spend so much time on Chabad or even less on Shmais… in a world if you turn on the tv you are bombarded if you go to yahoo your bombarded work palce billboards etc its everywhere… and now here i get on in the morning to see whats up and read a normal blog and then what do i hear a women talking about such things in public… OY Vey! Ill kvetch my kohp off about that!!!

    Plus it gets the pervy– phils and davids going!!!!

  • Heshy Fried September 10, 2009, 10:19 AM

    Erock – don’t fucking read it if your too pious

  • Schwartzie September 10, 2009, 10:27 AM

    fuck.

  • Phil September 10, 2009, 10:34 AM

    FrumGer,

    Thanks for the compliment… I think.

    No need to bite someone’s head every time they write something you don’t agree with with those long ass lectures.

    Shabbos IS for shtupping, read the shulchan aruch.

  • Heshy Fried September 10, 2009, 10:45 AM

    Shabbos seems like the time for the animal sould to come out of hiding. You can eat and screw like an animal and rest like one – then you face the week ahead of gashmious and have to hide all of these

  • Phil September 10, 2009, 10:52 AM

    Hesh,

    That comment reminds me of the “do like they do on the discovery channel” song.

    I always said all that belching sounded like mating calls.

  • Heshy Fried September 10, 2009, 10:56 AM

    I’m waiting for a Jewish version of The discovery channel song, I was in Pomegranate the other night and there was a Jewish instrumental version of “My heart will always go on” (the titanic song)

  • Vicki September 10, 2009, 10:58 AM

    “Yes, there are a lot of weird rules surrounding Shabbat that were all derived from some Jewish sources I dont completely understand. Something like G-d rested on the seventh day, do like G-d. I dont worry my pretty little head about it though because Im a because G-d says so kind of girl.”

    Why not? Why not question some of the tenets of Shabbat? Isn’t one of the key aspects of Judaism that we question and debate over the rules?

  • Hot Chani (Shwartzstein) shtups on demand September 10, 2009, 11:02 AM

    This post was really hot. Thanks

  • yZrs September 10, 2009, 11:06 AM

    Kleenex (even 3-ply) is for ascetic monks. For a real Oneg Shabbat (Hiddur Hamtizva of saying Asher Yatzar?) use baby wipes (Kirkland ones from Costco are unattached and a great combination of grippy/soft). Unless you are too frum to use wipes on Shabbat because of ‘squeezing’.

  • Chaya September 10, 2009, 11:21 AM

    I don’t like this post-it’s trying too hard

  • FrumGer September 10, 2009, 11:28 AM

    Phil,
    obviously i know what shabbes night is for… and i know that the Torah says the 3 requirements a man is to give his wife and i know one of them is sex, but she didn’t need to say it the way she did, it was pervy erotic untznuis and lewd. notice the pervy comments already.

    a married women saying all that in the way she did not need to be mentioned. talking about “O’s” specifically. it is from sicha archra. period. it causes untznuis thoughts… there was a time when women were actually graceful.. no more?

    i am only half way mentioning it now- so someone reading this blog that is impressionable, will read my words and maybe it will ignite the fire of torah inside them and they will not give into there yetzer hora.

    something like that needs someone to say this is untznuis, weither they -care or listen is not up to me, someone must say something. condemming an unrighteous thing helps you conquer it on this earth. in my opinion.

  • Telzer September 10, 2009, 11:40 AM

    yZrs – Agreed. Wiping one’s butt with _anything_ for 25 hours is liable to produce a rash. I think a 25 second wipe might be a bit excessive.

  • Phil September 10, 2009, 11:55 AM

    Frumger,

    You should be used to this kind of stuff on this blog by now.

    Yeah, most chassidish women don’t blog about shtupping their husbands, but the readers of this particualr blog are far from chassidish, a mix of twisted, demented and perverted Jews (myself included), coming from a wide variety of backgrounds.

    You should have been aware that something untznius was coming once you read the title of this post. If this type of post causes you to get angry or horny, don’t read it.

  • FrumCurious September 10, 2009, 12:14 PM

    My only response to this is to FrumGer:

    OOORGASSSSMMMMMM

    Just say it! It’s not a dirty word! Saying “cum” or “bust a nut” is dirty, I think (but I say it anyway).

    One final thing:

    ORGASM!

  • s(b.) September 10, 2009, 12:21 PM

    pants and uncovered hair? I’m going to faint.

  • Aliza Hausman September 10, 2009, 12:37 PM

    Interesting responses, Heshy. Thanks again for introducing me to your audience. Incidentally, I also ran into problems when I wrote a piece called “My Uterus is None of Your Business.”

    http://thejc.thejc.com/articles/my-uterus-none-your-business

    Some people thought the word “uterus” was lewd even though it is the name of a piece of female anatomy.

    This particular piece you’re reading was written for a brainstorming session with a mixed secular audience in a comedy class, not a frum audience. There were only two Jews in the room and you should see what the other Jewish guy was saying about Jews. I wouldn’t get up at shul and give this kind of talk. The worst word I say at a speaking engagement is “butt” as in my Dominican butt is too big for pants.

    As for orgasms being scandalous word, I got away from Christianity for many reasons including much of its negativity towards sex. To me, Judaism is a sex positive religion and a celebration of sex within the right context (marriage). If the adults in the room have trouble talking about sex in a positive, healthy way, I worry about their children. I want mine to know that their bodies are beautiful and that tznius is a complicated thing that’s less about what you say and wear and more about who you’re striving to be…a G-dly creature always.

    When I reread this, I laugh and I think about being a Dominican-American woman, now a Jewess, who learned the word “shtupping” and was able to include it in a comedy routine. We all know that it doesn’t matter what we say sometimes, people will take things out of context, someone will take issue with discussions on bowel movements, sex or what color your table cloth is. So I’m going to live my life the best way I know how…with a little humor!

  • erock September 10, 2009, 1:02 PM

    Costco wipes are very assur

  • Talia September 10, 2009, 1:06 PM

    orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm orgasm

    Sorry… i just couldn’t resist. The words only have power if you give them power. Cum, balls, boobs… just words. The organization of letters. What if we decided that the word orgasm actually means a collection of bunnies, a gasm of bunnies… haha!

    Aliza, another fabulous post. I really enjoyed this one. Would you consider allowing me to repost at http://www.patheos.com?

  • FrumGer September 10, 2009, 1:27 PM

    Phil— and all of you – i am what i am– I kvetch i complain… i also cheer and applaud.
    the difference is i have the shulchan aruch gomorrah and the tanach on my side on this. and i wasn’t angry at the blog or content – Shabbes is for shtuping (thats a harsh term little pervy itself but if the post was tasteful i could pass it off as just good use of alliteration) there is a proper way to do things…

    now as too frumcurious

    its not the word orgasm that there is a problem with. orgasm is a fine term. its the way it was used. it was the description that she was trying to convey, that was the problem. she wasn’t happy with just saying sex or cohabitation. she had to bring it down to coitus which is much more personal and descriptive. sex is a broad ambigous term.

    food shelter and sex… no big deal.. food shelter and orgasms. much more personal . and its not just the fact that she is a woman because if a man said i give my wife food shelter and orgasms it would be improper. but if a man said i give my wife food shelter and sex then its not so bad .

    no one needs to know the details in your sex life. that is between a husband and a wife. to me it is making common- a special thing between two people. that is how adultery is born people get loose with there tongue and their words first and then they get loose with eveything else.

    is her comment very significant? yes and no… no in respects that there is a lot worse out there. yes in that she is part of a society that has no boundries or concerns. this site says frum on it but then what is frum?

    I am big on standing up for what i believe in. perhaps i over react, but i would rather over react than be lathargic and complacient eating the fat of this world’s garbage.

    I have nothing against the girl personally, i think what she wrote was almost a good piece. to be shomer shabbos is great- what she was saying was good. though i don’t think its ok to waste the shabbat reading teenie bop gossip rags about the idols that americans worship. i don’t think that is what Avinu Melcheinu had in mind. but whatever, its better than going to the mall and its all in steps- i guess. nothing wrong with her, she is fine.. sound like she had a poor yiddish education, and thats not her fault, and atleast she is making strides. of that i am glad for. but it needed to be said. for our generations sake for our futures sake we need to begin to watch our mouths and have some self respect.

  • MaNishtana September 10, 2009, 1:39 PM

    lol @ “where is the mystery that was women 75- 100 years ago?”. reminds me of the opening monologue to “hercules the legendary journeys” or something.

    “this is the story of a time long ago, when the ancient men were petty and cruel and they plagued womankind with misogyny…”

    granted some things HAVE gotten crazy since then, but this blog is nowhere near the insidious dreck you make it out to be. ppl–yes even jewish ppl–have lives. and part of these lives include butt-wiping and, if theyre lucky, orgasms.

    chazal talks about butt-wiping. when? why when they say one must thoroughly clean themselves after a bowel movement to ensure no feces still clings to the skin. [and that is a near exact quote]. isnt that slightly more graphic dont you think?

    oh and chazal talk about orgasms too. when? why when they say is a man releases his seed first the child will be a boy, but if the woman releases her seed first, the child will be a girl. sure, they might not have said “orgasm” but its prolly more than likely b/c the word hadnt been invented yet. just like the term “one-minute man”. which is apparently what they’re talking about.

    and can we please stop saying “the ‘o’-word”? this isnt a f*cking junior-high school conversation. nonsense like that is the reason why some poor frum jewish girls think they’re having heart-attacks.

    –MaNishtana

  • cheerio September 10, 2009, 1:59 PM

    manishatana – i would double check that rashi if i were you…

  • MaNishtana September 10, 2009, 2:05 PM

    you’re right actually cheerio, sorry.

    man first=female.

    woman first=male.

  • FrumGer September 10, 2009, 2:14 PM

    MaNishtana- I know that the Gemorah and The shulchan aruch both have graphic descrtipions. but this is between men not women. Our Rabbaim might have been descriptive but they would never say that stuff infront of a women… never intended for women to read those things. there were other words other than seed. they used seed because it is a modest euphanism.. and there is nothing wrong with modesty..

  • FrumGer September 10, 2009, 2:20 PM

    Talia

    Words have the power of life and death.

  • FrumCurious September 10, 2009, 4:01 PM

    Oh and I forgot to mention – Aliza, another wonderful story. I just opened a page for Mayim Bialik (sp?) talks Torah. I expect good things, especially about her! 😀

  • Alan D. Busch September 10, 2009, 4:25 PM

    Y0u Jew Sure Do Talk Phunni!

    I guess the current politically correct usage would call this a “rant”, but there are a few things some of us say in the observant community with such frequency that you just “wanna” strangle somebodywhile shouting at the top of your lungs:
    “YOU JEW SURE DO TALK PHUNNI!”
    Okay let’s start from the top. Without question of the three expressions I’m going to discuss, regrettably the most abused, and I say ” regrettably” because it is easily the most important two word expression I can think of is … come on! You know which one it is! You abuse it too, don’t you? Uh huh! Thought so! Yep, it is …

    “BARUCH HA SHEM” … stylishy trimmed to “BH” in the Jewish chatrooms. It means simply yet profoundly “Blessed is The Name.” and we all know whose name we mean! It’s the unutterable name, the ineffable name! No matter that we no longer know how it might have sounded in the days of the first Beis Ha Mikdash! Even if we knew how to say it, we couldn’t. So, what do we do? We go overboard in its quasi-enunciation! Here’s what one commentator said:

    “Baruch Ha Shem! Baruch Ha Shem! colloquially meaning “Thank God!” but which can mean anything from “Great!” to “Don’t even ask. My enemies should have my troubles!” Often, upon hearing a dubious sounding Baruch Hashem, the questioner will respond with, “Gee, what’s wrong?”

    Surely you have heard the adage about the dangers of too much of a good thing? You know like eating chocolate and chopped liver everyday. I might even propose that the use of “BH”, like chopped liver, be restricted to Shabbat exclusively! I’ll tell you why … because after too many “B’H(s), they start to sound routine, rote, mechanical and, arguably worst of all … insincere. After all, if you are going to say “May God’s name be blessed!” the very least one should do is to be sincere about it and not spout it out in hope that pitiably gullible folks might think you a tzadik.

    “Oy! Such a tzadik. Answers “Baruch Ha Shem!” to everything! Now, mind you there is another question here. From whose mouth is the “Baruch Ha Shem” coming?” If from someone who is genuinely shomer mitzvos and has a goodly amount of yiras shamayim, well that’s one thing altogether. On the other hand, if it comes from an insincere mouth, well … you know who that is, and if you don’t, pay attention next time you’re in shul.

    Lend an ear. I’m sure you have heard these or something similar:

    1. Sam, uh … your fly is open.”
    Baruch Ha Shem!” (Read: ‘Oh my gosh!)

    2. “The pizza hasn’t arrived yet.”
    “Baruch Ha Shem!” (read: ‘Damn delivery guy. I’m gonna kick his a**!” )

    3. “Zalman, you look terrible! Are you ill?”
    “Baruch Ha Shem!” (read: ‘Yea, I am. I feel like sh*t!” )

    A quick suggestion … try saving your next “Baruch Ha Shem” for the next time you receive good news, like when you have become an uncle/aunt for the first time or if and when a close friend walks away from a traffic accident completely unscathed. You just may be pleasantly surprised! 🙂

    Okay. Moving on. What is it with the use of the preposition “by” in place of “with”? I mean what is
    going on there? Witness:

    1. “Yea. Moshe is staying BY us!”

    2. “So, what’s new BY you?”

    3. “No. I can’t. I’m having lunch BY the rabbi.”

    What if we said …?

    1. “Would you like fries By your hot dog?” (Picture fries lined up parallel to a hot dog.)

    2. “Dear, please take the baby BY YOU to the bowling alley. I wanna get my hair done.”

    A few more thoughts about “by me” as in: “He stayed BY ME.” … which implies that he was “at your side”, “alongside of you” which he probably was not. Now see what happens when we switch “by me” to “me by” and change the verb from “stayed” to “passed”: “He passed me by.” … which is to say that he neither stayed with you or by you for that matter.

    Lastly, just a few remarks about “Be well!” Now I do like this one very much. Has a nice and caring ring about it. Obviously it is very different from “Get well” (soon)!” which implies that the person whom we are addressing is ill to whom we should wish a “refuah shlema”. If we say “Be good!” we imply the other is prone to mischief and that he needs be mindful of his ways lest it happen that we have to say “Get well!” the next time we speak to that person.

    There you have it. I’ve said my two cents worth.

    Baruch Ha Shem! 🙂

  • J September 10, 2009, 5:41 PM

    People, did you just randomly find this site? This is probably the least offensive article on the site. I have been reading this site and Aliza’s blog and they are both great. Give it a rest she used the word shtuping which is the most unsexual word you can use to describe sex. As a friend of mine says. No Chuppa no Shtupa.

  • Anonymous September 10, 2009, 10:23 PM

    @34

    the (ab)use of the word “by” is actually a yinglishism; it takes the (yiddish) phrase “bei mir” (which is correct linguistically) and corrupts it into “by…(insert english word here)”

  • Talia September 10, 2009, 10:38 PM

    Good call, J! I like both of the blogs.

    I like that – No Chuppa no Shtupa.

    🙂

  • Shaina Meidele September 10, 2009, 10:56 PM

    @FrumGer… Please follow the following steps:

    1- Go to http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/orgasm

    2- Increase your computer’s speaker volume to maximum output.

    3. Find the speaker icon next to the “or-gasm”.

    4. Click on the speaker icon multiple times and enjoy!

  • Parent not in NY-B'H September 10, 2009, 11:08 PM

    Aliza does the beis din that did your gerus know that you write dreck like this?

  • Anony Mous September 11, 2009, 12:03 AM

    FrumGer wrote :
    “Untznuis . men do not need to read a married women talking about the O word, its not tznuis. why couldnt she say cohabitate or even just sex??”

    First, I have to agree with the commenters above, there’s nothing wrong with the word orgasm.

    Second, in the context of this article, orgasm was the correct word. A husband is supposed to satisfy his wife. In other words, he is supposed to bring her to orgasm.

    Alize, if you are putting in more then 6 hours to get ready for Shabbos, you are doing something wrong. Some things that you consider mandatory, aren’t. Find ways to ease your stress and it will help your entire household.

  • Freshwater Fred September 11, 2009, 1:00 AM

    Some of you are in dire need of a blow job.

  • A. Nuran September 11, 2009, 10:58 AM

    iluvmusic – so we do these things NOT because G-d told us to but because they are Torah? That would mean that Torah comes from someone other than G-d. If it doesn’t come from the Almighty why should we give two craps and a whistle about it?

    Frum Ger – if more men listened to women about sex, then women would have more orgasms and everyone would be happier. Knowledge is better than ignorance. Truth is better than lies. If you really are what your handle says you are you go through life in a state of shocking ignorance on the subject, and the bizarre customs of your sect practically guarantee a sub-par sex life. So don’t lecture the rest of us about it, thank you very much.

    • iluvmusic September 14, 2009, 8:36 AM

      Oops, let me take that back. I guess I was to quick responding. Yes, we should do it because G-d wants us to.
      However, did you know all G-d wants to do is GIVE?
      What does he WANT from us? NOTHING!
      You will find that the real people who really learn in Kollel for the sake of learning are much happier than others because they understand the Torah as a guide to a happier life! G-d gave us the Torah because that is what will ultimately make us happy!

  • A. Nuran September 11, 2009, 11:07 AM

    Aliza, you remind me a lot of my friend Aisha
    http://www.blogger.com/profile/03165001337030787302

  • FrumGer September 14, 2009, 12:49 PM

    This is a little belated but
    a nuran- let me ask you 1 question what “sect” am i in???

    since you know soo much perhaps you could enlighten me…
    because the last time i check i was not in any sect… and as far as strange practices, no such luck… check your misconceptions at the door.

    Also a man should listen to women, your right and i do… my wife and i are very happy BARUCH HASHEM- but any man should be listening to their wife.. not some random woman. bottom line a women talking sexually is an untuis event when in mixed company. a women can do that all she wants with her husband…

  • MD March 23, 2010, 9:07 AM

    am I the only one to notice that the word orgasm begins with “Or”?

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