Every once in a while I publish hate mail I receive, but rarely do I publish the fan mail – which thank the Lord beats out the hate mail by at least 20 to 1. I kind of feel like I should start publishing my own “readers write” or “letters to the editor” section every once in a while and when I return next week from vacation may see if I can dig up some old goodies in my inbox so you could see the interesting stuff I receive on a daily basis. Names and places will be changed to protect the innocent.
Received on Facebook:
I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now and always thought it was equal parts brilliant and hilarious, but I also believe its a huge mitzvah, which is why I wanted to msg you. I am a patrilineal “half Jew” and after identifying as Jewish my entire life but struggling with the fact that I really wasn’t, made the decision to convert. I stumbled on your blog around the time I was researching Orthodox Judaism but having since become more committed, Frum Satire has turned into a lot more than an entertaining read but also a serious source of comfort.
The number one absolute biggest hurdle for me is shomer negiah. I’m sure you’re very surprised to hear this… 
I am not an exhibitionist or someone who has this need to constantly touch people, but I have a few very close male friends who I have grown up with and are like brothers. The thought of not being able to hug them is so depressing, I can’t even think about it. Sometimes I even think, screw it, its not worth it, I’ll just keep doing the secular “cultural Jew” thing, as void and unfulfilling as that is. But I keep being tugged back to Torah Judaism because I truly believe that its right.
Your blog posts about shomer negiah and how completely observant people struggle with it has helped me in more ways that I can say. One of my biggest fears as someone who is converting is having to “give up” people from my secular life, and I am constantly racking my brain to think of ways to be Torah observant but also plugged in to the real world, as I believe you have done. It is discouraging sometimes because I get the impression that Orthodox Judaism is “black and white”, without any grey area. You’re either completely frum, or completely not. I guess this is more true with converts — it makes sense that rabbis would want to make sure that you’re serious, and willing to accept the whole package.
However, your blog has shown me there is in fact a very large grey space in Orthodox Judaism, even though I have doubted its existence so many time. Your blog is a permanent member of my bookmark collection, so whenever I find myself worrying about grey areas, I can check in with Frum Satire! Seriously, I can’t tell you how comforting it is to read that there are other people who struggle so much with shomer negiah in spite of their sincere intentions to live a Torah lifestyle. I don’t really know what else to say except thank you a hundred times. I will be returning to your blog for innumerable visits as I continue with my conversion.
KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
And thank you so much again.
Kol HaKavod! -Anonymous
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{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
great post – it definitely rings true
excellent!
Uhhhm, big deal. Some half jew in alabama messaged you on FB. Whoopie.
Post some of the negative notes.
At least 1 person appreciates Heshy Fried! If she likes hiking and sleeping in the woods maybe something will come of it.
Parent in NY, lighten up!
SO WHAT-you forgot:
No job
Being choteh the rabim
Talking about sex, even though he has no clue
Bad mouthing yeshivas, rabbeim and rabbis
Yeah – great shiduch….
Hey SP WHAT.
Maybe csomething will come out of it becasue of those similarities?
How about these:
No real job
love to bash Rabbiem, Rabbis & Yeshivas
Loves to talk about sex (even tho he has no clue)
making fun of everything all day
grow hair real long and general unwashed appearance
scantly clad (spare me if I ever saw him without a shirt)
Eats like a pig…even in public
grabs food like a piggy
obsessed with sex (oh, did I mention that already?)
I can go on and on….So if you think that girl ALSO possesses these “qualities”, then yes – its a match.
Hey Parent,
I completely see where this girl is coming from because I’m in her situation. Where do you get off acting so nonchalantly flippant about it? It’s a big deal for us, and you dismissing it with a wave of your hand isn’t helping matters.
Let me guess: You’re in New York where everything is “perfect” or “perfect as can be” [insert forced fake smile here], so neighbors can one-up-each-other, pretending to be “holier-than-thou” and “making sure everything is perfect, for appearances sake,” lest the neighbors find out and everything *suddenly* has a chumra!
Why don’t you open your eyes and realize that yes, there are Jews here who don’t fit into Halacha according to Orthodoxy, but who are trying. Something I find absolutely hysterical is that campus rabbis here in the US are telling kids at Hillel about Shabbos and Judaism, teaching them about it and inviting them over for Shabbos dinner — but these kids couldn’t care less about living an observant lifestyle. From the people I’ve seen at different Hillels, these students “born Jewish,” don’t care about living Orthodoxy. All they’re concerned with is finding someone Jewish to marry, without all of the Orthodox complications.
Wait, wait, wait. I’m *so* sorry. How could I have been so rude to write what I just did! *Of course* those students born Jewish are going to suddenly wake up one morning and realize, ‘Wow, Orthodoxy really *is* awesome! I want to live like that forever now!’
(<–that was sarcasm for those just tuning in)
Who are you kidding? Odds are slim many will want an Orthodox lifestyle. Yes, I am generalizing here as an example, but I can't figure out why I and the girl who wrote to Frum, would be shunned until we convert, though we are doing our best to live an observant lifestyle.
We don't count? Screw that! I haven't met this girl, but I can tell you that I live an observant lifestyle, aside from my mother not converting: I keep kosher, keep tznius, am shomer, and am working on Shomer Shabbos (ah, the trials of academia!). Upon meeting me, "students born Jewish," the girls anyhow, full on *glare* at me because I'm in skirts longer than mid-thigh, and in tops with sleeves. Everyone thinks I'm Orthodox, and Israelis have asked me if I'm Charedi.
I'll get off the soap-box now, but I think it's completely ridiculous that people like this girl and myself don't count.
The Nazis didn't care. Why the hell does it matter now?
Parent – my friends and I are having a ball with that long comment – if you only knew about my private life you would probably too – you do understand that I am a public figure and have two separate lives right?
Regardless of your ridiculous misconceptions, I would love to print some hate mail – the problem is that, and I have voiced this before, I don’t get very much and none of it is ever any good.
But just for you I will dig into my archives on gmail and find some goodies. If you would like to send me some hate mail I would love to print it here.
Lol FS. Thanks.
I think you should do a “bash me only” post so we can bash freely.
Tara- I did not mean to insult you…chill. (And I have no patience to have a back and forth here).
Finally-sorry for the double similar post. It didn’t go up right away, and I couldn’t resend.
So, what’s the gray area? G-d considers it wrong for men and women who are not married (or close relatives) to touch each others. It’s tough, it’s unpleasant, there are ways (sociological, psychological, kabbalistic, whatever) to explain it or just deal with it — but the bottom line is: it’s ossur.
CA- really? God considers that wrong?
The torah passages that deal with Niddah say “Leviticus, 18:6 “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness. I am the LORD.” and 18:9 And “Thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is impure by her uncleanness.”"
so my pshat interpretation is that you shouldn’t get naked with the ladies. God (if you assume god wrote the torah) said nothing about ladies hugging their male friends in a non-sexual manner.
oh wait i forgot all of orthodox judaism is based off of 3000 years of rampant speculation and misinterpretation by a bunch of dudes and perpetuated by their followers who think they have a direct line to god.
WHAT MAKES HESHY FRIED A PUBLIC FIGURE?
ANY FOOL CAN BLOG
Ha ha ha
What makes a public figure? That quesiton also has a gray area.
Parent in NY-
Every time i see u comment i wonder to myself, does this person have pent up anger that they just NEED to dole out to unassuming readers? If you really hate Frum so much, why do you keep coming back. Do you like “torturing” yourself? Do you like torturing us? Leave the poor anon girl alone, she makes a good point.
Torturing?
What is this, Iraq?
I don’t remember waterboarding anyone, recently a least.
Ha ha ha.
ok so i’m gonna go out on a limb with this conspiracy theory but i think “parent in ny” is really heshy trying to stir up some controversy.
I assure you not.
I think that Parent in NY hasn’t had a mikveh night in a very long time and that their spouse must never be home over Shabbos. A wee bit too tightly wound I would say.
ME!?!?!!?
you are barking up the wrong tree buddy.
I am just a semi obnoxious commenter, and totally chilled out.
I like hitting F5 every few minutes to see who is commenting back.
ha ha ha.
I would like to apologize for my critical remarks of your posts heshy.
I changed my religion on FB to Jewish-Frum Satirical.
I’m not really orthodox, but I live according to what I read here and I do stay aware of current Jewish holidays and events.
That was not me apologizing above…
yes it was sorry again heshy
Hey this is totally random but has anyone else got Matisyahu’s new album? just came in the mail for me yesterday, i of course listened to it. i am wondering what other people think about the album and how much his style has changed since live at stubbs… I love mattis and i really like the new album, but I am a little melencholy today over it. Its really good, but i really miss the old mattis, not him nec. as a chabadnik or anything he can be any kind of chossid he wants to be i don’t think he is OTD or anything, i just miss all niggunim and direct songs to G-d that he used to do. look at the names in -live at stubbs- Songs like – L-rd raise me up, King without a crown Aish tamid, Exaltation, they where all directly about G-d, To G-d For G-d Specifically. and now it seem the lyrics have G-d laden references sprinkled in them and still have positive lyrics, but i feel like a knife that was once razor sharp has gotten a little dull. He bust through the wall with live at stubbs and said to the world i am going to make great music and i am going to get all these worldy people to sing and praise G-d. And i though he could be helping moshiach to come for real. now his lyrics are much more ambigious, still positive mos def, and i like the album, but i used get caught up in worshipping and praising Hashem listening to his music, now its like i can jam to it but it doesn’t touch my neshamah like his old stuff did. And that makes me sad because i love Mattis and i wonder if producers are telling him to write more universal music with watered down lyrics. which is fine but maybe he should come out with that kind of music for the un-g0dly goyim( by that i mean anyone not religious because i know many christians that are nuts over his music because it is about G-d), and come out an album singing about and praising G-d for religious people. I know he is trying to do a balancing act but one i feel like the religious side of his music being undermined. i hope i am wrong. and really religious or not I don’t think people minded the direct G-d lyrics. christians muslims and of course Jews loved it because G-d is a universal message. i know he still does that stuff in his concerts i went a few months ago, but i just don’t want to loose what he gave to the world in live at stubbs and even in youth he still had some good songs about G-d. Maybe this album he was just trying to say something specific, because it is more about humanity and the world than about G-d. the Songs on this album are about peace on earth and the environment etc. postitive stuff for sure, and i do really like it. And because i enjoy what he does and who he is i will give him the benefit of the doubt. but think about when he came out singing niggunim and in hebrew talking about hasidishe stories , you all felt like you had our generations Reb shlomo carlebach in the making, didn’t you?.. i did. and there is still time for that i guess. what do my fellow yids think about this, agree disagree? actually this is one place i hope everyone disagrees with me and i am just meshuganah… i want to be wrong.
You know I have achieved infamy when I have copycats.
I am now thinking of starting my own blog “semi-frumsatire.ass”
My theory always has been that ‘Parent from NY’, is Heshy’s father.
Lol, “parent” is apologizing. *grin*
Parent not in NY… right on the money.
@Tara, keep working at it and don’t let some anon “parent from NY” get you down. As it says in the Talmud, that one who studies Torah bring pleasure to his creator. Keep studying and you’ll come to that deeper understanding… an understanding that a lot of people seem to look down upon. But the Chofetz Chaim speaks about this as well.
Hesh whats up with blocking my post man???
But you didn’t block that one.
now that i can post again- ANd this is off topic but—What does everyone think of the new matisyahu album?? like it yes no? I like it, but does anyone else out there miss the old matis? I mean the music, i have nothing but great things to say about the guy… I miss his old style of music, i hope it doesn’t go away completley… I love the songs he sings that have hebrew and when he sings about G-d. I miss his nuggunim. i miss all that i once thought made him different then every other artist out there, now he sounds very similar to everyone else that is just another secular band. i like the new album i can jam to it, but i can’t really sing along and worship G-d and go to another place with it like with his other albums. we have plenty of music out there that we can jam to, very little that we can actually put on and just listen too if you had a hard day and maybe cry out to Hashem L-rd Raise Me Up From The Ground Ive Been Here Too Long!!!. i want more of that!! i guess i am stuck with the old Matis albums and Reb Shlomo Carlebach. I just hope his next one he gets back to his roots on what he does best and what makes him unique as an artist. because i don’t put a matis album on to hear Sublime, Sean Kingston ,twista, or the blackeyed peas or anything else typical on the radio. i want to here matis! Agree – disagree? am i crazy?
???? ?????? ??? ???? ?????? ??? ????. ??? ????? ?????? ?? ??? ?? ????? ?????? ????? ??? ??????? ??? ?????? ??? ????? ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????, ??? ????????? ????? ??????? ???? ??? ????.
what does eveyone think of the new matisyahu album???
blah blah blah
Don’t have the chedder ($) to get it yet… is it good?
I agree with Parent’s point but not his ad hominem attack. If you are orthodox, as I am, you cannot help but be appalled at how Heshy’s satiristic posts are sometimes taken at face value by people struggling to be Torah observant. His shomer negiah posts especially tend to spiral into a mockery of the entire notion, certainly in the comments. I enjoy satire as much as the next guy, if not more so, but by including the term “frum”, which has conations beyond “orthodox” or “observant”, this blog pretends to give the world an “insider’s” perspective. Not to be insensitive to the newly initiated who naturally struggle with complex issues, but this blog and the jaded “advice” it spawns, all under the guise of satire, is far and away, absolutely the wrong place to come for guidance. What if this woman decides this proscription can’t be all that serious if even the “frum” are flippant about it? As our sages foretold: Letzana Achas Docheh Meah Tochochos (Lit. one mockery defeats a hundred lessons). This is a verifiable phenomena, and Heshy is implicit in its consequences by turning a blind eye to its implications. I’m just saying.
Case in point.
Titles of Frum Satire posts tagged under Shomer Negiah:
Have you decided to break shomer negiah?
August 6th, 2009
Horror Date: Just because I’m not frum doesn’t mean I’m a whore
July 20th, 2009 ·
New Heter: Blind people can touch their dates
July 16th, 2009 ·
Do you keep selective shomer negiah?
April 6th, 2009 ·
Shomer Negiah in the workplace from a converts point of view
March 29th, 2009 ·
Awkward shomer negiah moments
March 24th, 2009 ·
Frum man looking for Jewish mistress
March 22nd, 2009 ·
Frumster introduces pickup lines
February 12th, 2009 ·
Are you Shomer but with it?
January 21st, 2009
Case closed.
Tevye- It is good, i like it a lot but, its really really different then what I am used to from Matis. And honestly i like oldschool Mattis better, His other albums where more focused on Hashem and sing about G-d and this album is more focused on humanity and things that are going on here. the lyrics are good but i like it better when he was just this brazen BT and in love for G-d singing about G-d and shouting we want moshiach now! now its kind of like everyone else, Not much niggunim not much hebrew or jewish references. his concerts he does that stuff still but this album is just different- good but different. his myspace has the album on it to listen to if you want to check it out.
Jake i must say i agree with you on that one, this is no place to be seeking any spiritual wisdom at all. heshy doesn’t take life seriously enough to be any type of advisor to anyone. he is a comedian he makes jokes. Shomer negiah is the last thing anyone should be asking about or seeking guidence for. but def. consult a rabbi if you have a problem or issue.
you know what heshy I reread some of your posts and I now hold very highly of you
lol – maybe I am schizophrenic!
when did FS response comments get so hateful? really hurts the atmosphere. Parent, I hope you’re not this negative with your children.
FrumGer, thanks for the insight… now having gone to his myspace, I’d have to agree with you. I have all his albums up to this point and I’ve liked (as you stated) how he was a “brazen BT and in love for G-d singing about G-d and shouting we want moshiach now.”
I did notice on his website (http://www.matisyahuworld.com/) while looking for his myspace, that he was crowd surfing in a mixed crowd. I thought he stopped doing this sort of thing? I really appreciated that he was taking a strong stand and choosing these chumras concerning shomer negiah, but it’s sad to see he has gone back to the older way.
You’re a whore.
Such negativity – but don’t worry folks I resume my kick ass desk job on Monday and will blogging like a nut as always.
Jake – what exactly was your point? That I never made it to number one of google for the term shomer negiah? Or that as any boy who grew up modern orthodox I find it hilarious and love to talk about it?
maybe i’m bipolar…hey you stop that
so my pshat interpretation is that you shouldn’t get naked with the ladies. God (if you assume god wrote the torah) said nothing about ladies hugging their male friends in a non-sexual manner.
I have a question for you.
Ready for it?
Now?
OK, here goes:
Who in the wide, multidimensional G-d’s Universe gives a fuck what your pshat is?
FRUM GER – “he is a comedian he makes jokes”.
Are you sure? More like he attempts to be a comedian and makes what he thinks are jokes. He’s funny about 2% of the time.
joker – I could not agree more.
He doesnt make jokes – he just blurts out whatever perversion is on his mind.
Thats all.
And then people laugh at the stupidity.
can i just point out that it hurts the Shechina when all of His(well i guess more accurately Her, right?) are arguing. Be tolerant of one another, or don’t comment!!!!
Oy vey-shut up.
Lol
Mr. Fried seems to confuse me sometimes.
He sometimes seems like a sexually frustrated caveman with a lot hair/dandruff who prefers to use his free time on making fun of the same institutions that he associates himself with
Other times he seems like someone he comes off as a frummy wannabe who is unaccepted, this would be due to his preference to discuss matters he enjoys about the frum kehilla such as food, weddings etc.
PROTIP: Get Married/Get a better job/Try blogging about things that aren’t that offensive.
But I love my job – marriage is not too much my speed.
Frum = Krum