I don’t wear pants anymore

Aliza on Pants

Jews are funny. That’s what people keep telling me. But I wasn’t born Jewish. I was born Dominican. So if we’re going by genes here, I’m probably really good at baseball and shimmying my hips. Not so funny.

Besides, I’m an Orthodox Jew. Nobody thinks Orthodox Jews are funny. Orthodox Jews are serious, seriously old-fashioned and seriously hate women. That’s what people tell me keep telling me. They tell me we hate women so much we won’t even let them wear pants. Think of all the evils women could do if you let them wear pants!

Snowboarding.

Hiking.

Secretary of State.

So this is what I tell people now: I’m an Orthodox Jew now so I don’t wear pants. Nobody has to know the truth.

That my mother wore tight pants. That my grandmother wore tight pants. That my great-grandmother’s 97 and she’s still wearing tight pants. Generations after generations of women in my family have been doing that dance and shimmy to get their pants over their hips and then lying back on the bed to squeeze them closed over their guts.

No one has to know it wasn’t just about modesty. It was about never squeezing my big Dominican butt into another pair of tight jeans.

The benefits of my new Torah lifestyle are endless.

Aliza Hausman is a Dominican born orthodox Jew and has asked to be a guest poster here and since I like her stuff you will be seeing more of it. If you cannot contain yourselves until the next guest post I would suggest you visit her blog – Jewmanicana.

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