Subj: Kallahs for Clunkers – A New Federal Initiative
Forwarded to me by Rabbi Yossi
After successfully solving the banking, mortgage, automobile, and
housing crises, President Barack Obama has now turned his attention to solving the ultimate problem – The Shidduch Crisis. After much consultation with his close advisers, the president has unveiled his Kallahs for Clunkers program. With broad bipartisan support, and modeled after the successful Cash for Clunkers program, the deal offers any married man $4500 to leave his current wife and engage a girl of at least 22 years of age.
With this one bold act, thousands of young girls currently in crises mode will be taken off the market, making the even younger girls available for the just freezer-released Yeshiva bochurim. In addition, the anticipated surge of aufrufs, weddings, and sheva brochos that this initiative will cause, will hopefully jump start and stimulate the stagnant heimishe economy, with spending on simchah baskets, party planners, and other wasteful expenditures. President Obama has successfully resolved a crisis that many experts have spent so many years trying to solve proving true once again his slogan –
Obama: Exchange We Can Believe In!
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{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }
The sephardi community already figured this one out. my Ketuba says my husband can have multiple wives. If these rabbi’s are so worried about she shidduch crises they should go off and married all their friends unmarried girls!
When I ask my husband if he wants another wife his response is *#@!& no but then again he does not have the ahavat yisrael to take one for the team I guess!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Not funny at all. To me this post reads like a crude joke done in poor taste.
Sounds very Obama like, good post. Of course the $4500 wouldn’t cover the divorce and alimony costs, that’s what makes it even more Obama like.
Jewess it sounds like your first time here
This website is seriously offensive. You are everything that is wrong with the Jewish community and the internet at large. You make Jews look bad and make people hate us. Your jokes are crude and disgusting and you violate every mitzvah and prohibition of the Torah!
If you are about to write something like this you
a) Dont know the definition of Satire
or
b) Should not have internet access and are about to be put in cherum when your Rabbi finds out.
Ps. This post was very LoL.
Ultra Orthopedic – I had to read that 3 times to realize it was a flattering comment. Yes I am dumb
sometimes, I find your posts stupid or annoying but ALMOST ALWAYS the people who comment are stupider and more annoying.
I tried to use advanced physics and math to figure out what was more “stupider and more annoying”
The fact that you typed the word “stupider” and then proceed to be proud of yourself that you are above all those “stupider” people or the fact that you “sometimes” come and read something that you don’t like. Its like me complaining about how I get mad every time I finish reading the Elders of Zion or Mein Kamf.
Stupider is a word, amigo… It may not be stylistic, but it’s certainly correct. And why are you correcting this person’s English anyway? Do you really think fighting ad hominem with ad hominem is a good idea? Let’s try to keep the level of discourse to a respectable minimum.
its not his post its a guest post
If people cant read “Forwarded to me by Rabbi Yossi” Its their own fault.
Not only would it stop the shidduch crisis but married men wouldn’t have to hide thier porn anymore and go on to weird websites to masterbate.ATTENTION MARRIED WOMEN:YES, YOUR HUSBAND LOOKS AT PORN.THE REASON YOUR THINK HE DOESN’T IS BECAUSE YOU HAVN’T BUSTED HIM YET, LOOK HARDER YOU DUMB BIMBO
Besides its such a good post I cant believe ppl got pissed
Is there a a reciprocal Chatanim for Clunkers program where we get to exchange our husbands in return for hot Israeli soldiers?
I’m pretty sure that Baltimore already set up a system that gives you money if you marry someone from Baltimore over the age of 23.
my wife wants to know if she qualifies. I told her that she her gas mileage is too good to qualify. She gets more than 18 mpg!
Several communities who are branded “out-of-town” by brooklyn and lakewooders have programs where you get a cash incentive for successfully setting up a girl 23 or over from their community. Makes it seem like these poor girls are on the clearance rack or something.
I see that you have a picture of Phil’s latest parking job. You should have seen what happened the last time he pretended to go fishing.
It is a sad thing indeed.
H=Kosherbride,
Damn good idea. I’d go even further and auction them off on eBay. You can have a special on “as is” models, a surcharge for the full 30 day money back guarantee and free shipping for “buy it now”.
of course then all the “clunkers” will become yente spinsters and have to get jobs to support theirselves, and undoubtedly most of them will do the only thing a middle aged Frum Jewish women with no expirience in any work field can do-
Become a shachan.
And with the new sudden wave of shadchanim flooding the market, the shidduch to shadchan ration will become grossly lop sided, 10 shadchans to one shidduch, which will bring a long list of new problems.
I can see it now,
women fighting over those little index cards in the street, sheitels flying,
rolodexs suddenly coming up suspiciously “missing”..
imagine 7 shadchans all knocking on your door daily and calling you everynight claiming reposibility for finding your son’s beshert and demanding their fee in cash.
And you thought you had it bad with just one shaking you down all the time. you aint seen nothin yet
And if you are the prospect- G-d forbid, now there won’t be the standard 4 messages waiting for you on your cellphone after a date, that is with one shadchan,
No No NO, now at 11:00 pm you can’t even go to bed. And not because your busy studying Gemorah mind you. No, you have to clean out your voicemail box because its soo full no one else can leave a message. Nu, Oy veh ist tu…
it does seem possible though- it would be very Obama to solved the “shidduch crisis” but erupted a “shadchan crisis”
i find a lot of similarities with maddoffs ponzi scheme and how our gov is attacking the economy.
$4500 ? sure we got it! no problem, just wait here a minute, let me hook my printer up to my computer & I can print you all the $$$$ you need. we might as well start using monopoly money because there is no diff.
BTW jacob da jew hows this for long winded?
I see Jack(ass) is back, someone leave the closet open?
Way to make something funny not funny FrumGer. Yeah Sure Coy Ach.
It was funny to me… whoops!! -ultra orthopedic
coy ach yeah sure
frum ger get a life, your a hot head. your opinion sucks
I never knew that Phil and Jack didn’t get along.
Heshy-I don’t have an opinion on the post, it’s really just another clunker joke.
I really enjoy when you piss people off though.
forget kallah foe clunkers, i would love a place to drop my wife off and trade her for a jessica alba
What about Kallahs and cash for porn stars
Yea Jessica Alba would be great especially if she has a horrible personality and is a total bitch because at least she is drop dead gorgeous. This will work great especially if you can afford the myriads of plastic surgeries to keep her in prime working condition. If not you will be stuck with only the memory of a hot wife. Good luck with this endeavor. Your wife is one lucky gal to have a sophisticated young chap like you
So immature.
How about “cash for single bloggers who can’t get a date”.
Who said I’m single – besides the Rabbi who forwarded this to me is a Rav in Boro Park
Parent in NY
Its pretty “immature.” that you are wasting time on this site especially since it is so blatantly obvious you bigger responsibilities in your life. Why dont you go worry about keeping your kids on the derech?
Satire, actually I visit the blog on infrequent, but regular basis. And I still stand behind my first impression of the post.
infrequent but regular basis is an oxymoron and if you really do infrequently view this site on a regular basis the fact you took it this serious makings you even more of a ______________ .
Well leave imagination in charge of this one.
ultra orthodox- my point was that when you get sick of your current wife you trade her in , once jessica alba gets sick of me or vv i would trade her in for the next piece of ass
I dont know who Ultra Orthodox is but I think your reading skills are as good as your skills at picking up women. There is a reason you are with your current wife and not a “Jessica Alba”. Hatzlocha Robah!
i guess your as stupid as i thought you to be. I said ultra ORTHODOX, because thats what you sounnd like, changeyour user name to that. If you know anything about these blogs its about fun. Are you one of tose guys that claim to have a job but really sit in your closet masterbating all day while your wife tries to support your pathetic habits? Get yourself a damn job. And concerning my reading skills, i am a actuary on vacation making 6 digits, went to excellent colleges and graduated with a 3.8 gpa. sorry to bust your bubble
Did they teach you to spell at said excellent college? They could have at least taught you about the spell check option. Fact is most people who make 6 digits, went to excellent colleges and graduated with 3.8gpas can spell and proof read before they post something so the whole internet can see, especially after they brag about how super smart they are. Looks like I have been exposed as the masturbating in the closet fanatic that I am. Not sure what to do now…I guess I will get back to “work”. Enjoy that vacation which seems to be another word for sitting on the internet all day.
I got to call bullshit on that one David..
the more you talk david the more i think you are goyim its probably a good thing that jessica alba is a shiksaleh…
I dont need to prove myself to you. I will not waste my time spell checking something that is insignificant as this post. you wanna complain about my typing skills? that should be my biggest fault
Its hard to find fault in someone based on 250 words or less but its safe to say you suffer from some sort of ego disorder that makes you have to prove yourself on the internet to make up for the pathetic reality known as your life. Spell checking is about as difficult as finding your own penis and it seems both are difficult for you. I would love to sit here and argue with you but I have to get back to masturbating to porn in the closet (its a walk in) and make sure that my wife brings home her paycheck. Zaiga zunt.
This is exactly what Seinfeld was about – an argument about nothing – I love it
Frum ger, im as jewish as they come. I went to yeshivos and was brought up in a jewish home, and still am. I daven three times a day with a minyan…. Im here to add some controversy to these conversations which i have accomplished
anyone listen to howard stern? Artie lange did a commercial for ashleymadison.com which is a site for men to pick up woman on the side. Anyway artie used the line Cash for whores, or something along those lines. Is that where Rabbi Yossi got this idea?
Heshy,
I am a new ‘client’ of your website. I really enjoy this BS- “Yasher Koach” to you.
I call bullshit again
i don’t know anyone that has the time to daven in a minyan three times a day and pull 6 figures except maybe Matisyahu.
also there is just some inconsistancies psycologically with what your saying.
a disciplined person who would shlep to a shul to daven every morning evening and night would better gaurd his tongue. men like that have an inherent kadussah that you dont have
FrumGer,
I don’t know whether your target is worth the expenditure of ammo, but your marksmanship is excellent! And from such a distance!
Good show.
How about “Wives for Clunkers”?
Cash in your 40 year old clunker, and get 2 young Twentie year olds instead.
and it wouldnt cost anything since its only an exchsnge.
OUCH!!! cant wait for those grumpy old feminist comments.
I stopped reading when Heshy said “an argument about nothing”. Ah ha, you guys are so funny.
im sorry to heat that you aren’t able to make it to 3 minyanim a day. My job is a 9 to 4:30 job. during the winter, you are correct that i cant daven mincha with a minyan. Otherwise i am able and lucky to daven with a minyan on a consistent basis.
Concerning “guarding my tongue” you are correct that i should do a better job of that. Not everyone is perfect. This blog is about fun and games and i enjoy controversy here and there.
This is fun to read. Frum satire this is gold material. David and Ultra Orthopedic keep it going
I didnt introduce myself. I’m chaim the drunk from Brooklyn. I am 23 yrs old and I enjoy drinking-hence the name. I will try to here often and comment
@FrumGer
If you don’t know anyone who davens with a minyan three times a day and makes a 6 figure income, you need to get out more, and I mean MUCH more. My family is not rich, but my dad meets those qualifications. Stop posting here for a while and go out and meet some of these elusive members of the “three minyanim 6 figure income” club. I can even give you sightseeing tour to help you meet some of these hidden members of our society (for a nominal fee of course).
seriously this post was nothing heavy yet the wackjobs are slinging mud.
I dont find this offensive at all, in fact no one shoould, and as jacob said the wackjobs are still slinging mud.
But there is one problem with what you wrote, after this plan goes into affect there will be a divorce crisis, all the men leaving their old wives.
If I trade in my old wife for 2 25 year olds and get a $4500 cash bonus won’t that make it harder for someone like Heshy to find a wife?
This is funny. Some people just don’t get it. Or maybe they’ve been disillusioned by the whole shidduch process and can’t take it anymore?
eyecanspel-
i did not say they don’t exist but they are rare to find. And i don’t know any. there is a big difference between davening twice a day in a minyan and davening three times a day in a minyan. anyone who lives close to a shul can go for sharcarit and minchah, before you go to work and after you come home but those who consitantly go to maariv, that takes a great deal of peity to go to maariv every day. anybody can be a two timer but a three timer, that is special for real. and people that are a three timer do not talk about yids masterbating while wearing tefillin reciting the Shma in shul. Davening is meant shed peoples yetzer hora or at least its supposed to. but that has to do if you pray out of repitition or pray with chavanah.. i have found that people that pray in a minyan everyday three times a day, people with that much dedication to the yiddishlkiet and frumkiet generally pray with chavanah.
I am a two timer- maariv is just hard to make in a minyan for me, so i daven in my PJ’s in the comfort of my home.
If your dad can do that- yasher koach.
but most super jews like that are dirt poor, unless they own there own business.
which maybe he does.
and I will admitt I was being a little hyperbolic
for the sake of the argument.
David are you ‘koveah itim letorah’ do you also have a chavrusa and learn? daily.?
Also I hate to burst your bubble but making six figures will not get you too far, house, mortgage tuition. a vacation here and there. maybe a trip to Vegas, its expensive out there.
And if you want your kids to follow in your path, (that means learn and have a job) the only place to send them to is YU, which charges $40,000.
As an actuary you are good with numbers- maybe a little money laundering to enhance your income-
good luck !!!
LOL!!!
Wow, the comments on this are better than they’ve been in a long time.
I’m with FrumGer… good call of BS on “david.” He starts off at 2:13pm saying, “i would love a place to drop my wife off and trade her for a jessica alba.” Totally not frum. Then he says something about “a piece of *ss.” Right… then he says, ” im as jewish as they come. I went to yeshivos and was brought up in a jewish home, and still am. I daven three times a day with a minyan.”
And yet you want some more *ss?
This guy has his head up you know where, thinking he’s frum… haha!
But Remember Tevye,
he only says those things to bring a- mussar midrash- in an environment that would normally not sustain such tzadikiet.. He is completing tikkun olam…!!! he is the Besht ! he must be moshiach!
Yechi Yechi
Dovid Ha Moshiach!
If they figure out how to artificially insure gilgul, this might never end. What a horrifying thought for any man.
Blah. Ensure…
oh but i am in a process of gilgul neshamot- “Challah for clunkers” then i migrate to “Bar Mitzvah Blo…” then back to “Man Injured in shuckling acc…”
We are all Gilgullim on this blog
Reb Issac Luria would be so proud..
@FrumGer
Yes, my father does that, and no, he does not run a business. My point was that 6 figures is no big deal in today’s economy. And like Flash said, 6 figures won’t get you very far either if you are living the Frum lifestyle…
Lighten up on people and stop judging them. David is just playing with your head, and doing a mighty good job of it I might add (although I certainly agree with you that the comment was not appropriate). Don’t let it get to you so much.
Eycanspel
well in todays economy the median houshold income is right around 50 – 60 thou.. your fther makes double that, that is a big deal, and i don’t know where you meet all these well to do frummies, most that i know of are in the mid to lower middle class.. yeshiva is expensive but who actually pays full tution?? maybe your blessed dad ,but most people get on the “financial assistance plan”.. thats why yeshivot are always one month away from being foreclosed on, because most families can’t pay full tution, because most families that are three a day minyanim- have at least 6- 13 kids and are on gov assistance to support the ones they have. i am not saying all of them but if you took the a census of orthodox judaism in america, i will tell you your father is in the upper elite for sure. I am not talking about guys that drive to shul on shabbos but go to an orthodox shul, i am talking about real shomer Torah homes, your father is makin more than the majority. i am 25 i make 62-65 a year, I live decently for now- my job is in sales so the longer i am there the more accounts i handle and the more money i make. A co worker who has the same job makes 125 a year because he has been there a few years longer than me, so i know its possible, just not generally the case with “three a dayers” and again im only a “two a dayer”.
On the FrumGer/David argument….
Actually, it’s probable, if you work with family, they hire Jews and you daven Mincha at work. Also, if someone lives in someplace like Brooklyn or Kew Gardens Hills, there is always a a shul less than 5 blocks from you. In Brooklyn, there is a shul less than a block from you, usually. Another thing is that they usually daven Mincha and Maariv together if it’s feasable. I’m a chick and I know that. So, seriously, do YOU daven with a minyan 3 times a day? I guess not.
Also, I think FrumGer is in Boro Park or something. Most men make over 100 a year, if they become educated and work. Most Jewish MEN are accountants, doctors, lawyers, college professors, actuaries and dentists. Women have lower paying jobs. Besides which, everyone knows men make way more than women. Forty to eighty a year is an educated woman’s pay. Even some women without degrees make over 40K a year. When I was in Brooklyn, though, they told me I make good money.
Michal-
I do know some shuls that combine services but i know that a great many don’t. I do know that there are wealthy people that make 100,000+ and daven 3 times a day in a minyan, but there few and far. And one should be so lucky as to work with all yids, I am not.
secondly- The average income for an american family is- 41,000 sole provider/ 60,000 dual income. the idea that MOST men make over 100,000 grand is obtuse and totally irrational. 80-90 % of our economy is controled by like 8-10 percent of the population. most house holds in america make way less than what you think. I think you probably live in a bubble and dad has protected you from the reality of expense and the problems in many house holds.
Our suburban middle class that look like they make 100,000+ actually don’t- they only survive by gross amounts of debt. 2nd and 3rd mortgages are common credit card debt is huge. the majority of americans with new car loans are upside down on the car, meaning they owe more than it is worth, so when it gets worse they trade it in for another new car, putting the balance of the first onto the tab of the second. they live a facade, exceeding their income every year, credit picking up the tab. even if they pay their payments every month so their credit remains good, they continue to just scrape by. Barely.
the statement that most men make over 100,000 a year is priceless! because its like throwing a dart in the dark! don’t take that as an insult it means your father did a good job. he protected you and took good care of you financially. Gave you a good education, that is now providing you with a good income.
but we have 50 million people with out health insurance, 11 percent unemployment in some areas. there are problems in america. There are more poor than rich. and the middle class is struggling.
Lastly while it is true there are many many jews that are ultra rich and wealthy, the majority are minimally religious at best. a great deal of those jews that make the dough being doctors, dentist, lawyers, in the film industry, CPA’s etc. you know all the stereotypes…. Most of them statistically are not Frum, Now there are frum men that fill those shoes, don’t get me wrong but that is the Minority. the largest Section of jews in america are reform jews and secular jews. that is where all the money is generally. look at there “temples” in comparision to our shuls.. no comparision at all.
40k in brooklyn doesn’t get you far. But the median houshold income is $38,293. The cost of living is higher in Brooklyn then elswhere in the country but the actual income people make is less.
Borough park is not the only place there are poor yids. The idea that all jews are rich, is really a goyisher kopf stereotype. Its like saying all black people like fried chicken and watermelon. it maybe somewhat true, but I love watermelon and fried chicken as well.
Ps I don’t live in borough park at all but I understand what is really going on in the world.
an actuary can make 6 figures?
dubious claim.
An actuary, depending on level, can make substantially deep into the 6-figure area!
When my MIL a”h turned 40 my FIL told her it was time for him to exchange his 40 for two 20’s. She shot back, “You can’t handle one 20.” Shut him up.
Didn’t even see the actuary comment. I am probably the lowest paid actuary at my big huge insurance corporation, and even I, who spent 11 of my best earning growth years as a SAHM, make 6 figures (and not much more).
When my grandfather was 60, he said to my grandmother that he should trade her in for 3 20 year olds. She quickly retorted “no, I will trade for 3 20 year olds, because 3 20’s go into 60 a lot better”. We were a little shocked that she would say that and all blushed a little
@3, 33 “jewess”
…you sound like a hypersensitive fat chick. wait. u are one. never mind