Kelsey Media

Man injured in shuckling accident

45 comments

shuckling accidentA man suffered minor head injures after a vertigo attack mid shuckel during shema, earlier today at Congregation Shaarei Tefilah in Monsey. One witness who wished to remain anonymous for shidduchim purposes (the shadchanim may say that him having looked at this man is proof he has no kavannah during davening) told Frum Satire News that he had seen the man grab his head in the middle of a violent sit down shuckel and suddenly he took a dive head first into his open shtender, “I helped him” but other worshipers were so engrossed in their davening that no one could do anything.

One man told us that people like that don’t belong in shul “nu, if you cant take the shuckeling go to a modern shul” and others said that he was known to be a recluse spending hours learning obscure topics like the Tur and Shmuel Aleph and Beis rather then diving into traditional topics like Mishna Brura and Gemara.

The shuls Rav who ignored us completely for fear of riots is reportedly working out a deportation deal for the young individual who was married but has just received a get from his wife citing that the shadchan never divulged to her that her future husband suffered from random vertigo attacks while shuckeling. “The shadchan never warned me this would happen” Rivky Weiss (maiden name) told reporters as she stormed out of shul and refused to even look at her slumped husband.

The story seems to have a happy ending as the shuckeler need not travel far to find a competent physical therapist since almost every frum girl in Monsey happens to have training in that specific field. One Rav told me that it may be hashgacha prutus that such a thing would occur during times of economic depravation, and that this would further support kollel wives and justify women’s education.

  • Anonymous

    I’m confused :( ? :( ?

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    He must have had the l’chaims before instead of after shachris.

  • NM

    The excited shuckler ends up having a romp with physical therapist..authorities say there is a fine line between shuckling and shagging

  • FrumGer

    Freaking Hillarious…. Heshy- Perfect Post- I really did “LOL and LMAO” this is just what I needed this morning..

    ..”told Frum Satire News that he had seen the man grab his head in the middle of a violent sit down shuckel and suddenly he took a dive head first into his open shtender, “I helped him” but other worshipers were so engrossed in their davening that no one could do anything.”

    Hillarious!!
    I’m almost in tears.

    if you could do a video of this that would really be great, I mean do a real production, go all out and multi-actors, a set, props.. everything. We need this in video form!

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

    Maybe he was at the pre-kiddush club, kiddush club

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    his wife gave him a get. funny!

  • david

    Were his hands visible? do u think he was jerking off with his non tefillin hand and fainted from excitement?

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

    who faints during that?

  • david

    either 1) hes a real jew, he fainted because he was given the oppurtunity do daven to hashem and jerk off all at the same time. The 2 biggest pleasures for him at once.
    or 2) im sure he doesnt get any action at home, so the rarity of pleasure for him led to anxiety which led to fainting

  • FrumGer

    Are you serious David??

    what the hell is wrong with you??!!!!

    this is a really funny post and someone just has to ruin it.
    I know it “aint always frum and it ain’t always satire”

    but atleast lets keep some of the posts kosher.
    please… atleast some.

    the Shma should have little respect given to it.

    Tefillin should have a little respect to it

    David are you even a Jew?
    Most Goyim have tons more respect than that.

    Heshy whats up man?
    your cool with that?
    somethings are off limits I think.

    David- that’s just perverted and that is not even a funny joke.

    The Shma is Sacred And I am literally outraged
    How dare you?
    Are you a Goyisher Yid or what?

    I think other frum yids should say something about that !
    I think Heshy you as a public figure should say something about that!

    someone Jokes whatever- phil and bsamin smoker all say contivertial things but I have never heard anything so bad as to say lewdness like that.

    the Shma is special to me.
    to all Yids.
    Please others back me up on that even if you disagree with everything else I say.

    Do not let people say lewdness mentioning Tefillin and the Shma. This things Are Kadusshah

    Stand with me someone!!!

  • http://duddes02.blogspot.com Chaya

    snicker

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    Frumger,

    David’s comment was in bad taste. No need to bite off his head.

  • FrumGer

    I think I have a tendency to bite everyones head off. I certainly have bitten yours off, or tried… but this needed it more than others. I just take some things very seriously.

    that was not in my opinion bad taste.. that was someone taking a funny blog, that made my day and making it trashy and not Jewish, that is not Jewish. A joke about someone getting whiplash from shuckling is Jewish. a person talking lewdness about the Shma, Tefillin, in Shul etc… should not be tolerated, ever.
    You just don’t do some things.
    somethings are just off limits.

    I might be up tight sure, maybe
    or maybe I care about the yiddishkiet and holy things. At some point we all have to have a line, where our secular existance stops and our religious substance begins. where is yours?
    what good is kippot and tzitzit if you are ok with someone trashing the Shma and tefillin? Phil why do you wear them? why does you Heshy? where is that line? I am saying this for reflection not to attack your beliefs either of you. But David I oppenly attack yours.. do not tramp on sacred things ever.

    honestly- though it maybe wrong , if anyone said that in front of me I would most definatly be popping them in the mouth, Yid or not. I don’t think we should be passive to these things, David all i say is say that infront of a some burly Tzioni, or anyone in the Netzah Yehuda Battalion- IDF…

    online all I can do is “verbally” pop you

    it just pisses me off… the lack of respect people have..

  • steven smith from scranton ohio

    I love the new style heshy

  • http://frumcurious.blogspot.com FrumCurious

    FrumGer –

    You talk too damn much. Lighten up a bit, david was prob kidding.

    And even if he wasn’t, so what? So he has a dirty mouth, leave him be.

  • FrumGer

    I will.. I see I get no love here, commenting is not wanted unless I am a 17 year old pervert OTD, which for some reason everyone on this blog is- or seems to be- it seems if you care about yiddishkeit you can’t like good humour. it seems the only ones allowed to enjoy humor are people that doesn’t give a shiz about anything holy.
    i am just having a hard time understanding. i don’t know people like you all. I only know people that would bash your face in for spitting out such pervy sacrilege. even my friends that are not religious at all would never, ever presume to speak so irreverently. I am having a hard time understanding.
    I was hoping to meet other dialogue with frum Yids online that liked the funny stuff this blog produces, but all I have read from 95% of the commentors seem to live no higher standard at all and that is foreign to me.
    i am shocked, hurt, and upset not by most of the blogs, but that people that consider theirself frum, it is clear to see they are frum out of repetition and in name only. noone seems to actually care about Judaism, or about G-d. I am shocked that people can be so cold about holy things. i am shocked nobody cares.. lighten up? how will mochiach come if we lighten up? does anyone believe in the moshiach?

    do any real frum people read this blog? you know people that actually care about judaism? I am hurting right now. this is the voice of the young Frum yids today? wacking off during the Shma??Great Way to keep the kaddushah of the frumkeit going.
    I guess Ill just stop commenting, if its not wanted. but hopefully a least one Jew out there agrees with me. Am I OTD because I think these things are wrong?

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

    Frum Ger I agree with you – and some of the time will remove posts deemed to sick even for me – this wasn’t too bad and was probably posted by someone who wanted to push buttons.

  • david

    frum satire is correct, i was trtying to get a good conversation going, which i sucessfully did

  • http://frumcurious.blogspot.com FrumCurious

    Ha ha. FrumGer, it’s not a question of your yiddishkeit. You see? You’re getting SO upset over nothing.

    If something someone says upsets you that much, just ignore it, else you’ll give them what they want by getting your panties all in a bunch.

  • chevramaidel

    Phil- I have a feeling that if he talks to everyone like he does here, this particular person will have it bitten off one day.

  • http://elishevers.blogspot.com shevers

    The shuls Rav who ignored us completely for fear of riots is reportedly working out a deportation deal for the young individual who was married but has just received a get from his wife citing that the shadchan never divulged to her that her future husband suffered from random vertigo attacks while shuckeling.

    He received a get from his wife??

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    I can’t see how someone can get that worked up over a silly comment. In the past readers have insulted my integrity, attitude, intelligence and even my wife (still haven’t fidured out what she had to do with any of this), in addition to being called al sorts of names and even accused of being gay .

    I never got pissed off or let these childish morons get to me personally. If I did, I wouldn’t be commenting any more.

    Lighten up people, it a f*cking blog for crying out loud.

  • FrumGer

    look you guys knows better than I. maybe there is some obscure text in gemara that I am not familiar with that says its ok to speak lewdness and desecration as long as its just to get people into “good” conversation,

    I see it’s kind of like the “Benjamin Button” of Mussar Midrashim

    talking lewdly so as to bring out the Enherent Holiness of the yiddishkeit.

    Cool Well now that I understand it makes perfect sense, what was I thinking?

    In that case what other cornerstone of Judaism can we make a crude mockery out of so we can send the sparks back to G-d.

    you know next Shabbos if i get an aliyah i should just tear up the Sefer Torah, boy won’t that get everyone talking… maybe if I am the Hagbar reject, I should just drop it.

    the whole congregation Fasting 40 days imagine how Pious they all will become, all having kabbalistic visions, we will have a whole congregations of Tzaddikim!

    I’m sorry David- i didn’t see your hidden inner holy agenda.. you must be the Baal shem Tov!
    and here I am just being Misnagdim, thinking i was protecting something, but really tearing it down.

    i join you David, I see the light of your actions MY Baal shemTov the 2nd, — what else? maybe we could all petition for our shuls to sacrificed chazzer on the bima on chanukkah and eat cheesburgers on Yomkipper this year. such great midrash that will arise-

    it may just usher the moshiach in.. forget every jew keeping three shabbatot in a row, Every Jew should desecrate three in a row… what was I thinking?? Sorry all, I was OTD but I’m back on now!

  • OPINIONATED

    FrumGer, I hate to break the news to you, but my religious relatives don’t use the Internet with the exception of banking online and email. The vast majority of Orthodox Jewry does not post on this web site.

  • Yochanan

    FrumGer,

    We get it. The comment went to far. However, by now you’re flogging a dead horse.

  • FrumGer

    opinionated- sure i agree, many don’t use the i net but many religious people do use the internet as well. they might say they don’t they might only use it at the library, but they use it. pretty much every lubav I know does, as well as a great many modox… but I was fallowing heshys videos before I read his blogs and he is always around other frummies… so I agree with you, many yids do not use it- actually I applaud them for that, but also there are tons and tons of websites devoted to orthodox judaism and they are run by and read by frum Jews, so just because your family is deep in gemora all day- which I say a big Yasher Koach to them for that for sure, a lot of Shomer Torah Jews are infact get there parsha from “parsha in a nutshell” on Chabad.org. but again I actually have great respect for those that choose to walk a narrower road, G-d willing I will get there as well…

  • FrumGer

    Yochanan- Tru Dat Homie- the horse got buried a long time ago the last post was just for the sake of sarcasm. what kind of Jew would I be if I missed a chance to be sarcastic? if every one hates my comments speak up or if you find me annoying let me know I can take constructive critisism. I maybe I am raining on someones picnic here, let me know.. and heshy if you feel like I am show boating your comment page here block me my man. it’s your show, if I am using to much space or anything, tell me.. I write long messages always have. sorry all if that is irritating…. again let me know..

  • SarahRuth

    FrumGer – I get it was offensive but popping people in the mouth and bashing people’s faces for saying something offensive will delay Moshiah longer than anything said on this blog. Just saying…

  • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

    FrumGer, your point was well taken to begin with, but you kept repeating it so it got irritating. My constructive criticism would be: make your point ONCE and be done with it. Don’t repeat it. Never repeat the same point multiple times. Don’t say the same thing, even if you do it in a different way. Only say your point once, but don’t repeat it.

    /end sarcasm

  • Anonymous

    What’s up with Michal van Abraham? Has she been around?

  • Mark

    FS – need not travel far to find a competent physical therapist since almost every frum girl in Monsey happens to have training in that specific field.

    Yeah, they’re all trained, but none of them can touch the men!!!

  • ShevachGirl

    this reminds me of one of schwartzy’s posts, it is cynical and funny! keep it up!

  • FrumGer

    Sarah Ruth- Good Point…
    Eyekanspel- Good Point…

  • http://jacobdajew.blogspot.com jacob da jew

    for fucks sake, frumger, ease off on the longwinded comments.

  • FrumGer

    jacob da jew- please note my last post, its only 7 words long..
    But just to clarify i hate the this microwave/ mp3 / texting generation. everything has to be muddled down to a couple words half of them are abrieviated- lol lmao wtf.. i am not going to censure or change the way i approach a conversation just because i can’t say everything in 10 words or less. i am wordy, you are not, Ok. i have been trying to scale them down a little as you can see if you look at this post. but mutiple people have messaged me and i always acknowlege their comments and anwer them, i think its rude not to. so sorry if you had to scroll down the page a little farther…

  • Observer

    FrumGer,

    You’re and that’s it. So what? It’s the internet. You pretty much can’t control what other people say.

    Next?

  • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com/ eyekanspel

    @ Observer
    I agree with your statement, except for the words “pretty much”. Remove those words. You can’t control what other people say AT ALL, EVER, so don’t even bother. If you let what people say on the internet bother you, you’ll never be able to sleep at night.
    @FrumGer
    No matter what you believe in, there WILL BE smart and erudite people on the internet who will a) disagree with you and b) sometimes even present arguments against you which you can’t rebut. If that happens, either let it slide, or ask someone you know to help you reconcile the conflict, but don’t try to change the opinion of the other “netizen”. It’s futile, because even if you WIN the argument, you aren’t likely to change the other person’s mind.

  • veebee

    FrumGer – thank you for the shoutout:
    I see I get no love here, commenting is not wanted unless I am a 17 year old pervert OTD, which for some reason everyone on this blog is- or seems to be- it seems if you care about yiddishkeit you can’t like good humour.

  • anonymous

    Just wanted to say, I do agree with frumger, that comment was more than just in poor taste. I don’t have a problem with satire, esp. about the social issues of the frum world, but some things should be off limits.
    I don’t know why people are are so critical of him. Maybe his writing style is a bit long winded, but there are some things that are just unacceptable.
    David, you should take a minute to think about what you come up with before going ahead and posting it. Seriously. It’s not just a matter of having a “dirty mouth” as someone posted above. This is about the heart and soul of our beliefs.

  • FrumGer

    Thanks for the support- Anonymous
    and VeeBee.. (I think??)
    it’s good to see that I am not so mushuganah after all. or maybe i am.

  • Chris_B

    re: the comment: it was rude. I read it, realized that and moved on. Done and done.

    FrumGer,

    Not in a negative way, but you seem pretty sensitive. Maybe you might wanna take a little break from the Net?

  • FrumGer

    ChisB – Good advice , but i feel like the other people on this blog are keeping it going…. I am just responding to comments…. but again thanks for the good advice point well taken, I don’t think it was worth breaking the sabbath over, but point well taken.

  • Chris_B

    FrumGer,

    Just in case maybe you were accusing me breaking Shabbat to post here, let me lear up a few things for you. You are new here, you may not know that I live in Japan. In case you had a poor secular education without any solid geography classes, Japan is on the other side of the International Date Line from the US. This means that my “today” is your “tomorrow” half the time, thus Shabbat ends here before it does there. Finally in case you are not in IT, here is a tip for you: the posting time is *at best* the time where the server is not the time where the person typing the comment is.

    If however you werent accusing me of anything, well now you might know a bit more than you did yesterday.

  • FrumGer

    Chris Japan huh? thats cool, I have no idea where anyone is. I know about servers but five pm could never be the end of shabbat anywhere in america and I did assume you lived in america, sorry for it..

    what you get from assuming/ ass– u –me…. my apologies for that, at the time i was thinking this guy is giving me advice, by breaking shabbos? what? you can understand I am sure, it kind of like someone eating a ham sandwich and telling you to be shomer niddah…

    it tend to fall on deaf ears. but if you are shomer shabbos , yasher koach to you, there are far too many that aren’t. Again point well taken, and even better taken now that I know you keep the shabbos. I tend to listen to Yids better when they keep the Torah I am sure you are the same…

    again my bad for the assumption… i was wrong.

    but any way i was reading the Shulchan Aruch this weekend and i shouldn’t be slandering anyone even if they are wrong in public. Again my apologies. And my apologies to David and who ever i Directly slandered in anyway. I was wrong. I will always stand up for what i think is right but i should direct it better, not towards the individual but to the problem.

    SORRY TO ALL THAT I HAVE COMMITED LASHON HORA TO IN ANYWAY.

    even if you are wrong, it is vain to rebuke a fool. and it is further more against Torah to rebuke any Yid in public, i know this of course, but you always justify the stuff you do, and that is wrong too. I apologize.

  • Chris_B

    No harm no foul.

    For what its worth, really, dont trust what the server tells you a posting time is, there are so many variables and things which go wrong. The requirements for log forensics to be legal evidence are really far beyond what any commercial blog hosting company offers.

    For what its worth #2 I’m more a fool than a Yid (^_^)

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