I personally love weddings, the food, the girls, the shtick, the dancing, the bloopers, but that’s mostly because I only attend weddings once every couple of months, my good friends are mostly lifelong bachelors – so only once in a while does someone actually get married.
Most of the frum folks I know, go to a wedding at least once a week, sometimes more and most of the folks I have spoken to view attending weddings as a chore – not something that is fun and exciting like it should be.
Couple this same old frum wedding complex with the fact that even a dirt cheap, “the food sucks and there’s a one man band and no alcohol” wedding will still run you 20 grand. For what? To gather a bunch of people you know in a big room to dance around in circles, seems like this could be done for way cheaper – but this is the traditional thing to do.
I almost got married and the whole time I was wondering how on earth my family or my fiance’s family was going to afford anything and we were looking at the cheapest hall in Williamsburg. To me it seemed like a big waste of money and time.
I spoke about this at the wedding I went to last night, and no I don’t have a solution – I do acknowledge that certain things have to happen, but do you really need to rent a hall and pay for shitty food in order to do this.
Even the really expensive weddings fade from many people’s memory after a few days. I know I am rambling along, but hopefully the girl I marry will see the foolishness in having a same old boring frum wedding.
I guess I just wish frum people would try and spice their weddings up – but my friend just told me that non-orthodox and non-Jewish weddings mostly suck as well and are all overpriced and only the ballsy folks ever do anything interesting to save money,
If only frum weddings had something like this:
- The differences between modern orthodox and frummie weddings
- How seating arrangements at weddings affect Jewish Geography
- Non-observant Jews demand more rights at orthodox weddings
- Tis the season for weddings and I will tell the story of each
- Frum weddings: Jewish Goegraphy, Salmon with Dill Sauce and Mango Strawberry Salad
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
you are right – frum weddings do suck, and as a frum girl in her 20’s i see weddings as a huge expenseive chore. (buying new dresses, buying a shower gift, wedding gift, finding a ride to the wedding from the city b/c i have no car etc etc). Since i started working i have been to a few non-jewish weddings as well and those also suck. the only difference btwn the non jewish wedding and jewish weddings is that the non-jews do have a bigger range of wedding halls/caterers b/c of the kosher thing. also, lots of non-jews opt to have DJs. ever been to a jewish wedding with a DJ? i never have. also, non-jews tend to get married when they are older and the bride and groom will pay for their wedding which cuts down significantly on the number of ppl there. if jews would invite the ppl they wanted to have, and not the ppl they had to have b/c of community pressures then ppl would only be invited to weddings they actually want to be invited to and wouldnt go to multiple weddings a week/month just b/c they had to. i know i am rambling, but i have been invited to many weddings where i had litterally NO IDEA the person was dating someone never mind engaged, i usually feel offended and wonder why i even belong at a wedding if the bride or groom doesnt consider me a good enough friend to introduce my to their future spouce before the wedding…
My wedding was beautiful, but done on the cheap- maybe $1,200.. you just got to make it a point to know and be good friends with everyone that officiates something in the wedding industry.
I got my ceromony place in the garden of a public park- beautiful rental- $150
100 chair rental- all others can stand- $100
reception hall knew a guy- free
decorations Dollar store/walmart- 100-200
candlesticks want one? buy your own- free
catering -knew a guy cost of food+bevs- milchigs -300
built my own wooden kick but chuppah-100
Dress- $500
Dress- resold it on ebay- (-) 250
my Zayde for a Rabbi – free
photography-free
friends to help set up take down- free
kesubah bought on ebay-under $100
marriage lisence $100
Fun-Priceless
you got one thing right: non frum weddings suck just as bad and just because you are invited doesn’t guarantee that you will you know the spouse or actually get to meet them at the wedding either.
non frum weddings ad even more pressure than frum weddings do because you look like an a*hole if you go without a date a lot of the time.. and if you bring a date you have to shell out tons more $$ too.. oh yea did I mention that at most none frum weddings you are expected to pay for your own seat? and that people get offended if you don’t? even if a seat costs $500? yea. that happens. esp in the Russian community. awesome.
Heshy, you didn’t come to MY wedding (and I did invite u on FB =] )…it rocked! Truth is, as I am in the wedding business, I am a little biased, but I disagree with your assessment. A little bit, anyway. A frum wedding IS a community-wide celebration, because of the tight-knit way we bring up our children. The wedding is not only about the bride and groom: it is also about the parents, grandparents, and families. It is a celebration of continuity of our way of life just as much as it is a celebration of the individuals who are wed.
Ralph – it seems like everyone sits at a wedding on their blackberry the entire time and 15 people (drunken yeshiva guys) are having a blast.
Even if the food and hall suck, there’s no 5 piece band and you get a ghetto pot head photographer it still costs 20 grand – for what – a bris is a much cheaper community wide celebration.
just like everything else in the frum world-u gotta do it cause everyone else does……just need the right person with loads of dough to say “screw it-i am making a small intimate wedding and if u don’t like it-up yours”….once he does it-everyone else can do it….hell-u ever been to an israeli wedding?-no different than the kiddush given in most shuls after davening….as long as it becomes the norm it will be accepted
I hear ya, Heshy, I really do…thats why i say i disagree only a little. But you have to see the flip side as well. It all depends on the wedding you go to. I’ve been to huge weddings that were absolutely magnificent and “leibedik” from beignning to end, and EVERYbody had a blast. And I’ve been to huge weddings that sucked. And the same goes for mid- and small weddings.
bbq in the backyard and a case of shiner and im good. now i have to find a woman that will agree to this. damn that wont happen.
I think it totally depends on the bride and groom. My sister got married two years ago, and while halachiclly I suppose her wedding was modern-orthodox (my sister gave her husband a ring, my aunt read the Ktuba), it was totally un-orthodox and fun:
1) it was on a friday morning
2) the food was out almost with the first guest – including deserts!!!
3) there were games on the tables to entertain the guests (cards, Rubic’s cube, puzzles, mini-rulette’s and so on…)
4) the Huppa was “bathed” with soap bubbles the guests were asked to blow
5) after the Huppa everyone was invited to help decorate the wedding cake with suger doe figurines they made themselves
6) and at the end of the ceremony – we had a water fight!!!
my sister and her husband invited only the people thry really wanted there (maybe 150 people, many of them kids), and I think it was worth every shekel they put into it (and it wasn’t all thet much…)
My second brother is getting married in two months and he is also planning to have fun (massage stations, poker tables….)
It all depends on who you are and what you want your wedding to be like….
I always wanted to get married during a potluck picnic. Everybody brings a dish to share, and if they don’t necessarily know they’re on their way to your wedding, it doesn’t even seem like you’re taking the cheap way out. Where I live, you’re guaranteed a beautiful outdoors location, so there’s really no need to pay for one. Just pick a spot that even the most limited guest can get to, and it’s fine.
Get me a simple dress, and we’re good to go.
my wedding budget is 5 grand, and i think we’ll be able to come in under 3.
it’s one day of your life, why blow what some people take home after taxes in a year on it?
my wedding cost around $3000. We had it at a state park, reserved a picnic pavillion with a bunch of picnic tables- enough to seat almost 70 people if we wanted ($86) and had a caterer bring in some platters of food which we served buffet style($500). We had the ceremony just out in the woods near the pavillion, which I loved and I think was very nice. We had no flowers because it was outdoors so there were plenty of natural flowers. I got a nice dress on sale from nordstroms ($90), had a semi-professional photographer who I was friends with and her husband do the photos ($500) a stereo with an ipod playlist I made, and i think the most expensive thing was the rings ($550) . We had around 19 very close friends and immediate family (Well, his family, only my brother came and not my parents) + us + two photographers. Best day of my life to date, and i had a ton of fun at the wedding.
bt girl- i’ve been to tons of non frum and non jewish weddings and I have never had to pay for a seat, and I’ve never heard of anyone ever doing that.
miriam- i wanted to do the potluck thing at first too, but every one of our guests came from out of town (i’m a grad student so i’m newish to this city and all my close friends have graduated and moved away). Me and my friend made some of the extra food though – my friend made a pesto pasta salad and i made a regular salad. I don’t think it’s bad to have a potluck wedding, and you don’t need to trick people- i know plenty of people who have done that, and the food turned out great.
abandonign eden – paying for your seat means that youre eexpected to pay what it costs them to invite you… where i come from it’s usually about 150$ a person!
i think most poeple who have big weddings end up paying for the wedding with the gifts, so in a way it sort of is a potluck dinner, with everyone chipping in 150$!
we eloped on our motorcycles, dutch treat. It was $58 each for the license and certificate.
fakewoodnj,
I see you share my idea of a paper-plate wedding. Not to say I’d be cheap. I’d rather spend the money on a live band that doesn’t play Shtetl Disco (oyoyoy music).
abandoning eden – It’s not so much about tricking people for cheap food. My family would be glad to cater my wedding for me for free, I’m sure. It’s more about getting everybody there! My dad is not religious at all in any way and has offered me a pretty nice bribe if I just elope. I think it’s because dad’s friend cried while walking his daughter down the aisle, and dad just doesn’t want any part of that. If I provided all the food, they’d know something was up.
L’ag BaOmer wedding at Harriman (can you get an alcohol permit there? I don’t know.). Catering by ? It can be done. Park pavilions are great; near a playground, so kids can play. Food is really the only issue. Who’s got the biggest, baddest hashgacha that no one will argue with? Mauzone?
And, Hesh, I’m sure anyone who would marry you would be down with something a little off the beaten path.
The first thing I thought when I saw that YouTube video was, “Dude, why can’t WE do stuff that fun??”.
Frankly, I’m trying to figure out how to elope the next time I get married. I am SO done with the wedding stuff.
If/when I get married, I will certainly not have some big to-do wedding. It will be small with just my family and the spouse’s family outdoors somewhere nice….
and then we’ll fly to Vegas and gamble and goof off for our honeymoon.
ha ha. Just an idea!
Whenever I attend a frum wedding, I ask, how much circle dancing is too much? But otherwise, it’s good exercise.
Fortunately, my Orthodox wedding also included certain Russian customs, such as toast speeches. We also had a professional chazan do the singing at the huppah.
The rabbi gave a brief speech about the couple, so that even a parent’s last-row acquaintance would know who we are, and how we met each other.
The grandparents also spoke. Having been married 60 years, they shared the secret of their success before the couple and the guests.
As a baal teshuvah, I am not tired of attending frum weddings. Instead, I consider how much they are saving without the DJ, emcee, garter toss, Cotton-Eye-Joe, and other goyish practices.
Awesome video.
Frum weddings trump non-frum anyday. Non frum spend way more per person, filet mignon, ice sculptures, fancier flowers, huge wedding parties. And then you have to sit through “the bride will now dance with her father” type stuff. Not to mention the obligatory Hava Negilah.
At a frum wedding, those people who are dancing and doing schtick are doing it because they genuineally want the chussan and kallah to have fun. It’s genuine. You want a great steak – go to a restaurant or eat more at the shmorg.
If you want a cost savings without making it look and feel like a bat mitzvah party, do it outside and have the food/booze set up buffet style…your wedding from that alone will be a huge savings…
Who gets invited to a wedding once a week? Maybe we can start a new custom- a basket in shul into which people can put their unwanted wedding invitations, so those with a less active social life can take them out and go to the wedding. Since those people who get too many invitations are probably more well off (that’s why everyone wants them at their weddings, right?), they can send a gift to the couple, and someone else who’s most likely a ba’al teshuvah and/or lacks parnossa can enjoy the wedding. This offers the opportunity to continue the old tradition of inviting all the poor of the town to every wedding- a practice that’s impossible these days due to the high cost of weddings.
i did want to elope and then throw a wild party for about 100 ppl afterwards…… then i realized that my grandparents are staying alive mainly to see me marry…… so now i dont know what i’ll do………. but it wont be boring, i hope
I’m getting married – no alcoholic beverages for me (or anyone else).
I got into a stupid argument with my father-in-law over flowers. They cost way too much.
QUESTION OF THE DAY: HOW DO YOU INVITE ONE NEIGHBOR WITHOUT INSULTING EVERYBODY ELSE?
WHAT ABOUT INVITING ONLY HALF OF YOUR LOCAL SYNAGOGUE?
I have not wedding planning experience, but that video was awesome! Thanks Hesh!
I have no wedding planning experience, but that video was awesome! Thanks Hesh!
Not all Frum weddings suck, a lot do though. I am I”H getting married Chanukah, and although its a “frum” wedding, it will rock! I found a mansion that was cheaper than everywhere else I looked with a full open bar and a great hashgacha, and it includes ice sculptures. We will have a full open bar, mixed seating, and some serious kick butt food.
Most of the crappy frummy weddings you go to are not planned by the bride and groom they are planned by their parents who are footing the bill and choose gross old halls that have no standards and that everyone uses. Unfortunately in the frum world people are also milking the weddings. For instance frum photographers can charge more than double non frum ones and have no actual training or skills.
Yes the wedding industry makes a killing on weddings, but you can have a beautiful, classy, inexpensive wedding, just stay out of Brooklyn…
I agree. Not all frum weddings suck. I have had a great time at several.
Don’t forget that the Jewish wedding is fundamentally different in meaning intent and tradition from a goy wedding. So the two should not be compared. Secondly, a Jewish wedding is a communal thing. You are getting married for the benefit of the community…it’s not a private thing between you and G-d. Thirdly, we Jews , especially the Ashkenazim, get stuck with certain foods simply becasue that’s the tradition. Gefelter fish, khugel etc.. these are foods that an average modern person would never choose to it were it not for tradition. So the caterers are not creative becasue they get their cues from people who want gefelter fish and khugel. Fourthly, perhaps some Jewish choreographers should find out a way to make non-mixed dancing interesting.
If you can spend the money and are willing to do it right, then Jewish wedding can be the best thing ever.