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Top ten signs your Rabbi was recently indicted

rabbis go to prisonBy Seth Galena of Bang It Out – the original Jewish comedy website

Top ten signs your Rabbi was recently indicted

10 Suddenly takes on minhag to wear hat on face

9 Synagogue Charity Auction now includes “Kidney”

8 Unless you work in criminal defense, you ain’t getting Shlishi

7 Rebbetzin is suddenly on Jdate

6 Afternoon Halacha Shiur now entitled: “Ankle Monitors on Shabbat”

5 Will be spending the rest of the summer “upstate”

4 Sermon comes in form of an Affadavit

3 Keeps tying everything to an obscure “Josef in Jail” metaphor

2 Pretty sure he just referred to Bernie Madoff as “Shlita”

1 He’s still wearing Black & White, only this time, it’s all stripes

Top ten positive things about your Rabbi going to jail:

10. No rabbi speech

9. Will finally stop wearing same suit every shabbos

8. Sick post prison pichei stories…

7. Can blame single status on waiting for him to get out to officiate wedding

6. Less fear he’ll screw up your family names during Simcha

5. Sick parking spot open

4. Cuts out middle man of selling chometz to a goy

3. Shabbos over 20 minutes earlier

2. Breakaway minyan finally has no purpose

1. Guilt-free Kiddush Club

{ 21 comments… add one }
  • david July 28, 2009, 8:09 PM

    Wow haven’t laughed so hard in a while

  • adam July 28, 2009, 8:15 PM

    Horrible thing about being frum in jail: A toilet bowl in every cell means you can’t even think about Torah. Ever.

  • Chayim July 28, 2009, 8:27 PM

    honestly adam..is that really true – they can just get a heter from themselves

  • Aliza Hausman July 28, 2009, 10:45 PM

    OMG. OMG. I don’t know whether to laugh or….

  • Frum"satire" July 28, 2009, 11:00 PM

    yet ANOTHER COMPLETELY DUMBASS POST.

    Give it up

  • Yochanan July 28, 2009, 11:53 PM

    “1 Hes still wearing Black & White, only this time, its all stripes”

    Prisoners wear orange jumpsuits nowadays.

  • Schwartzie July 29, 2009, 1:37 AM

    my rabbi was indicted because he tried to give me a bris. with his mouth.

  • smooth shemp July 29, 2009, 2:11 AM

    satire in motion!

  • SF2K1 July 29, 2009, 3:32 AM

    Haha now this was a funny post. Especially imagining BM being called shlita, I could see some of these guys doing that if he were a chassidic Rebbe.

  • anonymous July 29, 2009, 6:01 AM

    “7 Rebbetzin is suddenly on Jdate”

    THIS is too funny!

  • Loving These Guest Posts July 29, 2009, 8:15 AM

    Hesh – I don’t know how many people I speak for – but I have noticed you are trying to give more people a chance to write for you and I applaud it.

    I am totally into seeing a wide variety of opinions and someday may write one myself, for now I will laugh and lurk silently.

  • Phil July 29, 2009, 9:53 AM

    Yochanan,

    Jump suit colors vary by state. I think Florida still has the zebra pattern, I saw them on a chain gang cleaning a highway last time I was there.

  • OPINIONATED July 29, 2009, 6:43 PM

    Don’t all lawyers get Shlishi?

  • Mordechai Filipowicz July 30, 2009, 10:30 AM

    You made my day, yet again.

  • chaim peretz genesha July 31, 2009, 2:41 AM

    Why are you making fun of others peoples suffering? your post is funny but I feel for those poor people. god bless us all.

  • Rhonda Moskowitz July 31, 2009, 12:25 PM

    Hilarious! Ya gotta have a sense of humor about it all.

    I printed this out and am sending to the two Jews in prison I’m filming. They can use a laugh.

  • BT at Work August 1, 2009, 9:43 PM

    Nope, definitely they go with the orange jump suit down here in Florida.

  • Phil August 1, 2009, 9:50 PM

    BT,

    Maybe it works with the security level of the prison. Those guys cleaning the highway were definitely in zebra pattern.

    I know that Texas uses white, I visited a prison there a few years ago.

  • The Rebbetzin's Husband August 2, 2009, 1:46 PM

    This is great; I love it.

  • Yerachmiel Lopin December 11, 2009, 4:58 AM

    Additional signs:

    He announces pidyon shvuyim will be the study topic. Even though he is a litvak he starts shouting “bring pidyon shvuyim now!”

    Claims he never said this is a “medinah shel chesed.”

    Lectures on exceptions to “dinah di’malchusah, dinah.” Claims it only applies in England where they have a real royal sovereign.

    Starts lifting weights

    Discusses the shiurim of “time off for good behavior”

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