Another guest post by my man Schwartzie – this is hilarious!
Aveiros that you, I, and nobody would have committed in the times of the Torah.
Aveira that you would have committed: Stay behind in Mitzrayim and get smitten in makas choshech.
Why: You had a comfortable job, and honestly, the cost of living is so high in Israel- you have to pay twice as much to buy the same name brands that you’re used to.
How it would have went down:
Hashem: Get ready to leave this place. I am removing you from your slavery in a blaze of glory and will escort you to the land of your fathers.
Moshe: Hear that guys? You have a week to get packed up. Everyone get the essentials- we’re going to be traveling a long way so don’t bring the kitchen sink- and meet me back here at the brick factory at, er, 3:00 on Monday. And don’t forget to use the facilities before we go, it’s going to be a long trip and we’re not stopping!
You: Um, excuse me…
Moshe: Yes?
You: About what you said earlier, about leaving this place with the blaze of glory and all….um, do we have to go? I know that we’re slaves and everything and that you guys put a lot of effort into planning this trip, it’s just that I’ve got this really great job as foreman in the brick factory, and my wife’s friends are all here, and the kids were just getting settled- I don’t want to take them out of school, you know…
Moshe: You know either 4 out of 5, or 49 out of 50, or 499 out of 500 people have been saying that to me lately-it’s a machlokes how many exactly. What’s with you people? Don’t you trust Hashem to guide you through the desert quickly and safely? We’ll cut right through the land of the Plishtim, be in Israel in a couple of weeks, tops.
You: Yeah, but the wife really…
Moshe: Fine. Stay here. See if I care.
Aveira that I would have committed: Slept with Midyanite women in Sheetim.
Why: Didn’t you read my last post about shiksas?
How it would have went down:
Moshe: What the hell is going on here!
Bystander: The Midianites are sending their women to our camp in order to seduce the men of Israel that they might sway them to commit idolatry.
Midianite woman: Hey, sweetie, I like your glasses…
Me: Me? My glasses? Oh, thanks. They help with my astigmatism.
Midianite woman: They make you look smart. I bet you’re smart, aren’t you.
Me: Um, I try to be.
Midianite woman: (Giggles) You’re funny.
Me: It runs in the tribe.
Midianite woman: My ex-boyfriend just had no sense of humor at all. He was such a jerk. I dumped him because he used to hit me. Eventually I just said to myself, Stacy, you don’t have to take this any more.
Me: Oh, I see. I’m sorry.
Midianite woman: I’m so drunk right now! I don’t think I’m going to remember anything in the morning.
Me: Yeah, I sure am drunk myself. Whoa! I’m pretty drunk on alcohol…
Midianite woman: Let’s go back to your tent and talk.
Me: Boy, howdy!
Aveira that nobody would have committed: The chet ha’egel.
Why: We’re Jewish
How it would have went down:
Erev Rav: Hey! Moshe has been up there for 51 days! What’s takin him so long? I’ll bet he’s dead, and God has foresaken us, and we gonna die here in this desert. Let’s make us an idol and worship it, and thereby be saved.
Me: Hey, you guys are a-talkin my language. What’s it entail, this idol we’re talking about here?
Erev Rav: Well, it’s gonna be a calf, wrought of pure gold, see, and so we’re gonna need you guys to donate us some gold.
Me: Ha. Yeah, right.
You: What, are you nuts? My grandmother gave me this ring.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Simply amazing! much needed laugh
Great stuff!!
I love good lighthearted reading like this. I wish more people I know could chill out enough to read something like this without flipping out and screaming bloody kfira. The eigel story is never portrayed accurately, but it’s satire, so who cares…
I love it!
The first part you could even print in some frummy newspaper.
And how about the sin with the spies?
It’s funny because it’s kind of true. Nice job!
What a shame! Using the holy Torah to perform comedy- I’m scared to know what else you have up your sleeve Shwartzie!!! Also the fact that people like eyekanspel (yeah right!) support this form of comedy says a lot!
SHWARTZIE: THIS is in response to your post about dating shiksas.
I am a 21 year old guy with the very same problem. To make things worse, I even FIT THE CRITERIA for what these girls are supposedly looking for; i’m very good looking (according to the few girls i know), into learning, smart, sociable and on my way to a very good career, yet nobody has taken the initiative to set me up.
i see very good looking frum girls all the time, yet in todays world approaching a girl you don’t know or haven been introduced to will end you up being perceived as and in some cases rumored a “creep” or “weirdo”. in this sense, girls are digging their own grave with this supposed “shidduch crisis” bulls***, as the reason girls can’t find guys is because they make it virtually impossible for guys to approach them. they insulate themselves like hermit crabs and expect to get married by some magic voodoocraft. guys i know in YU have the same problem, even with stern right up their alley. message to any single meidel reading this: GET OFF OF YOUR HIGH HORSE. if a guy approaches you, you should be flattered. a friend of mine who attends yu approached a single stern girl who was in the yu library, and the next week two of his friends told him that a rumor had since been circulating that he was a creep who approached a girl in the library (this rumor was started and spread by the girl he approached herself) !!!SICKENING!!!
anyhow, I am veering off topic. as a single frum guy, i can endorse that what you are saying is true, and even worse than you make it out to be, by virtue of the fact that in my case i even have what these girls supposedly look for in guys, and yet because the culture of inaction that has become the norm within our community i cannot find a decent date. let me add that i do not even have picky or high standards, i would date virtually anyone who someone would just SET ME UP with! yet nobody seems to care. everybody is out for themselves and it is saddening.
and though i would really like to marry a frum jewish girl, because of the lack of socioemotional interpersonal caring that exists in the frum community, i fear that i will never be able to meet a frum girl. yes, i am fairly young, but believe me, i have seen what the state of affairs is like, and it’s not pretty. as such, i very well may be pushed into dating nonfrum or even nonjewish girls, as the degrees of social normalcy in these communities is much more stable than that in the frum community. it is much easier for me to meet a nonfrum or nonjewish girl then for me to meet a jewish girl, due to the radically absurd social norms which govern girl-guy interactions in this so called ‘community’ of ours.
if anyone reading this wants to set me up, i would be happy to speak more.
I just want you all to know that I love each and every one of you very much, no matter how crazy you all are.
Yea eyekanspel is a total loser. He didn’t even capitalize god in one of his posts. He totally can’t spell or write at all! And he “supports” (as if anyone gives two shits what I “support”) horrific comedy such as this from our holy torah. Dating a non jew because you can’t get a frum date is obviously not the correct response, and I don’t think that is what you guys would actually DO. Schwartzie’s post is just a venue for him to vent about a very legitimate problem, but in a lighthearted way. Unfortunately, “lighthearted” is not in yeshiva dude’s vocabulary. Seriously, if frumsatire pisses you off, I have a great solution for you. DON’T READ IT!! Go back to theyeshivaworld.com where you fit in: propaganda; badly written copy and paste articles; and comments that make me look like Albert Einstein by comparison.
eyejanspel,
First off, where in 7 hells did I indicate that frum satire pisses me off!? In fact, YOU piss me off so don’t start trying to get other people to listen to your sob stories by promoting your own “propagand”. Besides, even if frum satire pisses me off that doesn’t mean it can’t make for good reading material when I’m bored (unlike you who worships this site and dedicates his life to editing frum satire spelling mistakes and in the comments) Jerk!!
Just for you *propagandA
You guys are really making me look bad.
Schwartzie,
I LOL’d twice.
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