All the men I`ve been involved with have been abusive on some level. Maybe you`ve heard of battered wife syndrome, or maybe you haven`t. I`ve been drugged numerous times and had to fight off rape attacks as a teenager.

Being the only Jew in my public school growing up, the boys used to push me down in the schoolyard after class and kick me in the head and stomach telling me that I should go back to the ovens.

Clearly I do not think changing my lifestyle was going to make everything OK overnight.

So excuse me if all my previous experiences make me look at all men like neanderthals, when that is actually how they act much of the time.

It`s going to be a long while before I`ve gotten over these issues, and no therapy isn`t going to help. I spent eight years in therapy trying to sort through all the times I`ve been physically attacked and became severely depressed as a result.

I am for the time being, damaged goods, and no one is ever going to want to be involved with me for probably many years because I`m so fucked up by my past. I will deal with it, however.

By some divine providence I found trust in Hashem to heal me. Little by little it`s working, and if it takes me another ten years to accomplish some semblance of normalcy then so be it.

About the choices you are making:
Good for you! Self-respect is one of the things that Judaism can be good for. It also has helped me not get int some uncomfortable situations at work. Not that I won’t be alone in a room with a man, but remembering that Judaism takes seriously that pull that happens when you are alone together with the opposite gender, and if it isn’t something that you want, then you have the right to set boundaries (I’m married, too, but it would be the same if I wasn’t) and then to look around an see how complicated everyone else is making their relationships by being so off-handed about it, and maybe feeling pressured to just go with it, even if they are sorry afterwards… Respecting oneself doesn’t always mean doing whatever you want, as sometimes our society pushes us to.
My 2 cents…

Or that surprisingly a lot of guys will look past physical flaws if they sense a girl is experienced because their hormones control their minds.

I am not hot but I’ve never had any shortage of partners ever. Guys are not chasing after me, obviously, but they way they act in front of women sometimes is appalling.

Honestly I think half the reason guys have tried to pick me up is in fact because I’m not that good looking and surely must have low standards and will take whatever I can get, good or bad. They don’t have the balls to actually go after a hot chick and for some reason pick me.

But then to be rejected by some religious asshole who is a total perv and clearly has no respect for women and then dares to pass judgment on me?

To hell with him.

Actually I was trying to illustrate in the comment section that even fat ugly chicks are faced with the societal pressure to put out. I don’t actually think all guys are chasing after me, but I have also had no shortage of partners ever.

You’d be surprised with who dudes will flirt– it’s kind of sad and lame.

Also the whole experience was a lesson in the value of tznius in a way.

After a woman has been sexually active her aura changes and I believe that affects the males around her. Guys can easily pick up on girls who’ve had a lot of experience and when given the right dose of hormones will easily look past physical flaws if it means an easy and possibly satisfying lay.

Meaning I feel even more obligated to protect that part of myself from strange men in the future because obviously it leads to no good.

f,

I purposely wrote to the style of the blog to make it accessible and hopefully entertaining to the audience.