I will be backpacking in the Adirondacks the next 2 days, so go into my archives and read some of my oldies or check out my best of section, and I will be back with you on Tuesday sometime.
I had no expectations when I walked into the sands last night, but I could tell right away based on the hall entrance filled with real flowers and a person helping you find your card that it was going to be a nice wedding. I immediately asked where the women’s section was, its kind of funny how the only time when men are allowed into the women’s section is during weddings, even if I wasn’t allowed I would have snuck in. I followed this small procession of old people who were taking the steps one at a time, I passed in between nearly knocking two of them down and was brought onto the second level.
I could already tell it was going to be a modern orthodox wedding, I saw enough elbows, knees and cleavage to make any black hatter shield their eyes, and everyone was greeting each other with kisses on the cheek. Thank God, because I absolutely despise separate seating at weddings.
I wasn’t prepared for the smorgasbord, it was overwhelming actually, and I decided to pace myself rather then pig out. I started at the end and worked my way down. Earlier in the day I had eaten a light pizza lunch to expand my stomach so it would be able to fit more, my stomach is kind of like those midrashim of the bais hamikdash walls expanding to accommodate everyone.
The second the first piece of chicken Marsalis was plopped onto my plate I was in the zone. I ignored all advances from people wishing to talk to me with a wave of the hand and a mouth stuffed comment that sounded muffled as I said leave me alone.
I passed over the shawarma and kabob station, although they looked very good and went on over to this mashed potato tray. The women had martini glasses filled with mashed potatoes and topped with fried onions and spinach, great stuff. Right next door to the potatoes was some amazing sweet and sour chicken and pepper steak, I started thinking about how any self respecting shmorg has to have Chinese food, kind of like the frum version of Chinese food on Christmas.
Rather than taking plates full of one dish I tried random dollops and walked around. I found this huge rack of lamb and tried some, all these different veal and duck dishes didn’t really strike my fancy, but I then came to the pasta station. Pesto shells, ravioli and this penne in white bean sauce were phenomenal. I was so entranced by the food that when I did come up for air I realized that I was missing all of these hot girls, but, I was in the zone and I only came up long enough to see that all of the brides maids were wearing yellow and most of the women weren’t dressed in black, another sign that it wasn’t a frummy wedding.
I passed by the sushi table, I find that free sushi is just not as enjoyable as paid for sushi, mostly because the ability to take as much as you want takes away from its expensive enjoyment. So I skipped the sushi and went to the carving station, the pastrami was amazing, but the corn beef was chewy, I was excited that they paid attention to detail and provided Russian dressing and deli mustard the last wedding I went to only had plain yellow mustard, any food fan knows that carving stations need good sauce to compliment the meet.
I ventured into the next room and low and behold there was another full room of food, I haven’t seen these kinds of shmorg in years, most weddings I attend are of the yeshivish ilk and they are generally made up of the “soggy broccoli salad poor excuse we cant afford good food because yeshiva tuition costs us a million bucks a year” smorgasbord.
The next room had a fish carving station, I have never even seen a fish carving station, it was like having contemporary bris food or something. I found a woman serving baby ribs and loaded up, right next to her was another meat carving station. This time they had amazing turkey breast and I was amazed to find cranberry sauce. Now let me say this about cranberry sauce, I am addicted to it, I need it with chicken, meat and of course, turkey. I would normally take my cranberry sauce and leave, because lets face it, cranberry sauce is something pretty hard to screw up and people rarely make it homemade, yeh they put walnuts and mandarin oranges, but its never real, its always canned with walnuts.
This cranberry sauce was different, it had the requisite mandarin oranges, but it also had coconut shavings, I’ve never seen this but it was damned good, I loaded up on cranberry sauce and felt the need to tell every person that passed over it, that it was amazing. I do that frequently, I advise random people on what to order or what something tastes like, they in turn look at me like I’m crazy.
I then made my way back to the sushi table and had some, but as I said it wasn’t too enjoyable. I wonder if sushi will ever die out as the most popular frummy food. Though I wonder what could replace it, those overpriced make your own salads gave it a run for its money, but I feel people didn’t want to spend so much on something they could make at home. Sushi has that sexy novelty feel, and most peoples don’t want to bother making it at home.
In the middle of the room was the fruit and salad table. Terra chips sat next to guacamole that was a bit too lemony, and the grilled veggies had a bit too much oil on them, but the chopped liver was great although I wish they had garlic tam tams to go with it.
By the time I had made my way around the shmorg once, I was stuffed, I couldn’t go anymore and wondered how bad the main meal would suck. I swear I have been at weddings with the nicest food and the main meal has sucked, they always make the fish course look great but it always sucks.
I met some random people who knew me, and some of whom knew my brother. I chatted and then wandered down to the chossons tish, at fancy weddings they have a mini shmorg at the chossons tish, but at frummy weddings they just have cake and scotch. I walked in and this keyboard guy was playing some chabad niggunim, a bit odd for a YU intensive wedding.
I said hi to the chosson, told him his wedding would be written about and that I took a video of the shmorg he was missing and then went back upstairs. I don’t know how but they let women into the chossons tish. I also never understood why the men, who care more about the food then women, always have crappier food. Its fine with me, because I like to look at the girls while I eat.
I went back up stairs and took it all in. Suede yarmulkes dominated this wedding; I think that was because everyone felt the need to wear the yarmulkes that were given out by the wedding. This kind of reminded me of those people that go to a concert and wear the shirt they just bought from the concert t-shirt seller, this strikes me as kind of gay (no offense to my homosexual fans) It also may have been due to the fact that wealthy long island left wing modern orthodox Jews favor the classy looking dark suede yarmulke because it’s the neatest and most inconspicuous looking. I know a lot of you people may have assumed that left wing modern orthodoxy supports the knitted yarmulke but that is simply not true.
Don’t get me wrong, there were some hats, even 3 folks with up hats of the chassidish persuasion, several sheitles dotted the audience, but this was a suede yarmulke, shorts sleeved knees showing affair. I was perfectly content with the short skirt wearing girl across from me at the chupah, she was very skilled at giving me and my friends the almost “up skirt” view, but not quite so all we got was upper leg, then there was a girl sitting right next to her that was engaged in a violent sit down shuckel (very ballsy and complex as it is – never see girls doing it, especially without the support of a shtender) while saying tehillim with vigor. I think she was trying to show off, because at normal weddings this is normal, but this is similar to the guy who is learning a sefer rather than dancing.
The chupah room was hot, not in terms of girls, the heat was killing me, so after everyone did the wave for all the people going down the aisle, I left. I went downstairs and took a nap on a very comfortable chair next to a baby grand piano, I wondered if they could get a frum women to sing while an alter cocker played jazz piano.
When the chupah was over, the newly married couple was danced down the stairs by both girls and guys who were screaming and singing. It was very upbeat and it was the first time I have seen both men and women dancing them down, I tried to close my ears because I knew the women’s voices would arouse me, but I couldn’t help but listen to their screaming. I should also note that despite it being a predominantly modern orthodox wedding the people were singing with a Suf instead of Tuf which would have been expected.
I found my table and sat down, it was empty so I took the end seat with the view and stared at the piece of fish on my plate. It was encrusted in sesame seeds and had some pineapple on top, the radicchio greens and slight dressing all looked very good – but it sucked. The fish had no flavor and the salad didn’t have any dressing, I looked around and wondered if this were merely an overpriced garnish and wasn’t supposed to be eating it. Some people sat at my table and I decided to do my “I wonder if anyone will introduce themselves” experiment. No one did of course, but I was too tired an uninterested to talk to anyone.
One thing you have at frummy weddings that modern orthodox weddings don’t have is hockers who feel the need to play Jewish geography and find out if you are any use to them. This wedding had no such animal, the hockers at this wedding were 45 year balding men who play golf on the weekends, drive luxury SUV’s and talk about the latest article in Forbes they read – these weren’t your run of the mill I’m in real estate because I own apartments in Newark that I bought from an ad in the back of the Yated hockers.
While the girls at the wedding may have been very pretty I noticed a few things, number one they were all borderline anorexic or just way too skinny for my taste. They also all looked exactly the same, and on top of this they were very cliquey, so while I could have talked to them – they just weren’t my type so I felt like concentrating on more important things like stereotyping them and thinking about what to write about.
I was so stuffed and tired I didn’t feel like dancing, so one time around the circle and I just watched, I noticed another fancy wedding observation. There were waiters stationed with trays of mini bottles of Poland springs to cool the dancers down, then all of they were going around with trays of mango and strawberry (pre washed of course) sorbet on a stick which were very good. Theere was the funniest mechitza I have ever seen at a wedding, it was a mechitza without walls, just the polls, but it was like having a divider without actually having one. I noticed several couples dancing under it as if they were under a transgender mechitza
I sat back at my table and found the main course was served, and it looked damned good. They cut out the soup and pickle trays I assumed to bring us the huge rib with grilled chicken draped over mashed potatoes with mixed veggies on the side. The main meal was great, then this kid sat down and introduced himself to me, right away I could tell two things – he wasn’t frum and he wasn’t from New York. I could tell this based on many observations, he looked me in the eye when he shook my hand, he used both his knife and fork the correct way. He also chewed with his mouth closed, I told him all of this when he told me he hadn’t grown up frum – I told him to take a look at the girls on our table, only one of them was chewing with her mouth closed and half of them had not even placed their napkins on their laps. I am not saying that I have manners, but I can spot people who don’t have them pretty easily.
At this point I watched in horror as most of the uneaten plates were thrown out, full meals that weren’t touched just dumped. I always promise myself I am going to invest in a plastic lined duffle bag so I can take the food home with me, some folks call it a cooler – but even I am not that tasteless.
I sat in patience for the almighty fancy wedding desert table, I love when they have the desert free for all. It was located downstairs so they could shuffle you out of the hall. It was also set up with bags so you could take stuff home, I ran to my car with 4 bottles of Snapple and brought back a shopping bag. I know that may seem kind of rude, but if you would have seen the cookies and Swedish fish and gummy bear situation you would have also tried to find a stray shopping bag.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
damn is all i can muster for this one. youch.
You of all people should know how to spell dessert; there are two s’s in dessert because you want more!
1) Long Island semi-anorexic, elbow/knee showing jap girls are the best. Hopefully I’ll be zocheh to have my two young daughters grow up and be ones.
2) Was there an open bar? How was the booze? You didn’t mention anything. That is the problem with going to one of these weddings yourself, you can’t really drink cuz you gotta drive home (esp cuz i don’t think that bridge takes ezpass, you have to pay a person and if he can tell you drank a bit, you have a problem).
3) Did they have pizza by the shmorg? That is a new thing I’ve seen places and I absolutely love it. yes i know there is no cheese on the pizza, but I can’t think of any better way to start my shmorg pigfest than with a cheeseless slice with onions and peppers.
You sound like you eat in one day what I eat in a week!
(BTW, “meet” is not “meat”)
i can’t believe all that food. A shmorg and then a 3 course meal.
Where I live we’d be lucky to get the 3 course meal, and that’s pretty standard: stale fish with a bit of salad, chicken or chicken, boring vegies, salad with not enough dressing, and then the same old same old dessert table.
Good G*D, save him…Heshy, you’re a trip.
More wasted food, why is the jackass of a caterer throwing out untouched food when there are plenty of frum families that can’t afford meat?
The thought of how much the wedding must have cost per person is mindboggling, sounds like they probably paid $250 – $300 per head after including all add ons.
Re the sushi thing, I don’t see what the attraction is. I tried it once, found it kind of tasteless. I can’t imagine actually paying for it.
Ever notice how frum sushi eaters are mainly younger ashkenazim? Sephardim have better taste, and older ashkenazim stick with pickled herring a.k.a. the original sushi.
Phil,
Sushi is supposed to be eaten fresh. I’m sure you as a fisherman know the difference between fresh fish and what you can get from a market.
BTW, when people say “sushi” here do you mean just hara maki rolls or do you mean fish on a rice ball or both? I’ve no idea what passes for sushi in the US any more.
Chris,
I’m assuming is was decent sushi based on my brother in law’s assesment. He spent a few years in Japan before becoming frum, also happens to love eating fish. He speaks some Japanese and showed me how to use chopsticks at the same time.
Anyway, the stuff was basically a few types of fish and also some fruits like mango or avocado. All were rolled in some type of sticky rice, some also had a seaweed leaf rolled in. They came with a couple types of dip based on Ginger, garlic and possibly soy.
Whatever the case, I wouldn’t have eaten more than one were it not for the fact that I had just driven into town for a Bat Mitzva, and it was about the only real food at the kosher table.
I spent the rest of the night filling up on Stella Artois, lucky my wife was there as designated driver for the 5 hour drive home.
More wasted food, why is the jackass of a caterer throwing out untouched food when there are plenty of frum families that can’t afford meat?
It’s not the caterer who is a jackass. Law says he can’t save food that touched a plate. It’s the host who tells the caterer that nothing can “run out” during the wedding. So they order (and pay for) huge quantities of food to ensure that nothing runs out. God forbid they should run out of meatballs or sweet and sour chicken or rack of lamb or prime rib.
There are several good solutions:
1. Rabbanim growing some balls and telling people that any wedding with such large amounts of bal tashchit is assur. Never gonna happen as long as these are the people paying the Rabbis.
2. Dual weddings. Main wedding for the invited guests and a second wedding for any poor folks that live in the area to come eat with “the rich folks”. Maybe they can enter after the rich folks have gorged themselves.
3. Just shrink the damned weddings. What is their problem anyway? Especially when so many people are hurting in this economy!
The whole thing is distasteful to me in the first place.
The thought of how much the wedding must have cost per person is mindboggling, sounds like they probably paid $250 – $300 per head after including all add ons.
Easy, very easy.
Re the sushi thing, I don’t see what the attraction is. I tried it once, found it kind of tasteless. I can’t imagine actually paying for it.
Ever notice how frum sushi eaters are mainly younger ashkenazim? Sephardim have better taste, and older ashkenazim stick with pickled herring a.k.a. the original sushi.
Sushi has hit Israel and everyone eats it, Ashkenazi and Sefardi.
Whatever the case, I wouldn’t have eaten more than one were it not for the fact that I had just driven into town for a Bat Mitzva, and it was about the only real food at the kosher table.
The kosher table????
I spent the rest of the night filling up on Stella Artois, lucky my wife was there as designated driver for the 5 hour drive home.
Wow, 5 hours and there was only a kosher “table”.
Phil,
The seaweed rolls are called “hara maki” or “maki zushi” as a class of things. Normal sushi is the slice of raw fish on a rice ball. Fruit and such in a roll are American as Apple Pie, you never see that here. Dont mean it aint tasty though!
A fair amount of Japanese sushi is treif due to shrimp, crab or shellfish. Anyone who is planning to come to Japan, do some googling, theres a page which explains what kinds of sushi is OK and shows the Japanese names for it as well.
For anyone who wants to act sophisticated, in Tokyo you dont use chopsticks for sushi, you eat with your fingers. Using chopsticks to eat sushi makes you look like a country bumpkin. The sliced ginger is for clearing your palate between different tastes, its also got a side benefit of being slightly anti biotic as well. Also dont drown it in the soy sauce, just a dab will do.
Mark,
Yeah, seemed funny to do the 5 hour drive from Montreal to Toronto, just to come right back after the Bat Mitzva. Unforntunately, they are relatives that didn’t care to order kosher food for the rest of the guests, so a few of us had a designated kosher table with double wrapped food from the kosher caterer. I switched to a liquid diet and stayed by the open bar.
The wedding waste is definitely assur. At least get the food into doggy bags and donate them to organiztions that feed the poor. With the number of weedings in NYC every day, I’m sure the poor wouldn’t be starving as much.
As far as I’m concerned, the city has no right to force the ones that are paying for a privately catered event to throw the food in the garbage. I understand them wanting to protect consumers from caterers that might otherwise attempt to “recycle” the food, but once the wedding has been paid for, the food no longer belongs to the caterer.
My guess on Israelis eating sushi is that it makes them feel American. Kind of how Americans feel “exotic” when eating sushi with chopsticks. Funny how Americans will live on Shawarma, Laafas and falafel when visiting Israel.
Chris,
Thanks for all the info. Most people here aren’t sophisticated enough to know the difference, myself included. Didn’t like the sliced / pickled ginger either. From the sound of things, ain’t much rib steak going on in Japan.
funny chosson’s tish story:
I was at a close friend/former room mate’s wedding. He was at his first year at Law School, so many of the guests he invited were classmates who weren’t so frum. The Kallah’s family is very frum, so pretty much all the friends she invited were too frum for me. So I was hanging out with the one girl who was not too frum for me (not turned off by my long hair, all black attire, and colorful yarmulke). She basically was raised in a reform non-affiliated family and had no idea how to behave at a Jewish wedding.
So the story goes that she wanted to congratulate the chosson. I told her that he’d be at the chosson’s tish. So she asked me to bring her there. Now the wedding itself was rather Yeshivish; if I’m not mistaken, it was being officiated mostly by his Rebbaim from Rudinsky’s (where he went for HS and one year of Beis Midrash). There were a couple of YU Rabbis and a few from the Kallah’s family as well. Point being that this was the type of chosson’s tish that women typically steer clear from. But neither my friend nor I cared, so I took her there.
So I take my friend in, and she goes up to the chosson to congratulate him. Typical of the Chosson’s tish, he was surrounded by these very Yeshivish Rabbis. So the fact that she gave him a handshake was surprising enough. She then jokingly asked him (in a voice audible to all around us) “so, would you like a quickee before the wedding begins?”, the kind of joke that my friend normally would have found quite funny. Oh, it was embarrasing.
After I strategically got her out of the room, I explained to her what was wrong with what she did, that she wasn’t supposed to ask that in front of all those Rabbis. I assured her that my friend would not be angry with her, and that after the wedding, he’d probably be laughing with her about it. But naturally, given the circumstances, he had no choice but to pretend that he was insulted by her joking advance on him.
We then went on to rejoin the shmorg.
“More wasted food, why is the jackass of a caterer throwing out untouched food when there are plenty of frum families that can’t afford meat?”
There is a frum organization that comes to collect all leftover, sanitary food after a wedding and they distribute it to the poor.
I believe they are called “The Shearis Hapelaitah”
Chris-
I cannot stand raw sushi.You can get a vegetable roll, or they make excellent cooked rolls that are cooked -they are called tampura.One of the best rolls is the godzilla.You can also get regular sushi with cooked salmon in it instead of the raw stuff.Just ask for sweet sauce to dip the sushi in it makes all the diffrence!
@ghottistyx
That story was gold. You should try posting it in the YW coffee room “funny shidduch stories” thread…
Somehow I don’t think it would get through. Wonder how the YW moderator knows what a “quickie” is anyway…
Phil,
There’s no kosher meat here at all except frozen chickens that are imported by the JCC or one of the Chabad Houses. You want prime rib? Your one choice in Tokyo is Lowry’s.
Joy,
Enjoy. Personally I’ll stick to the real thing thanks. BTW, its “tempura”. Interestingly enough tempura (from “tempuras” as I hear it) was originally introduced to Japan by the Portuguese (one of the first Western nations to reach Japan in the 1400s or 1500s). Fried fish and veggies on Fridays, when Catholics didnt eat meat.
After reading about that shmoorg, my keyboard is covered in drool!! There is only one major thing missing that can make or break a wedding–WHERE THE HELL WAS THE BAR!!!????
While we are on the topic of food- does anyone know of a really good restaurant in Teaneck I want to take one of my relatives for her birthday there?Not Dougies!
“There is a frum organization that comes to collect all leftover, sanitary food after a wedding and they distribute it to the poor.
I believe they are called “The Shearis Hapelaitah”
Actually called shearis h’plate
one in monsey and one in Lakewood (natrually)
@Joy,
In the Queen Anne Rd. area, Sushi Metzuyan is alright. An old friend of mine has a takeout place called Chickies that my brother really likes, but I know it doesn’t have much as far as sitting room goes.
Cedar Lane gives you a bit more choice. I haven’t been in years, but I’m told that Jerusalem Pizza and Hunan Teaneck are both shut down. Noah’s Ark/Shelly’s (Noah’s=deli, Shelly’s=diary) is pretty good. So it Mabat. I’ve never been much for Pizza Cave, but it has its fan base.
Last few times I was in Teaneck, we ate by Dougies, which I know you said you’re not up for. So apologies for not being more knowledgable. I should ask my brother, he would know better.
@eyekanspel
Quickee…how George W. Bush probably thinks the word Quiche is pronounced.
YW, that’s Yeshiva World News? I only know about them thanks to this here blog (Frumsatire, that is). If Heshy’s description is accurate at all, they probably have some kind of preemptive cherem on me already (if such a thing exists).
ghottistyx, let me know if that quickee offer still stands from your galpal.
yowza…
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d try to quit, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
Don’t worry Hesh, your real fans know you don’t drink.
@ghottistyx
Yes YW is Yeshiva World News Inc. Run and moderated by the gedoilim shlita….
I don’t think your little story would make it through. And your Quiche joke wouldn’t either, because I don’t think anyone there can read a word that starts with QU but is not pronounced as in KWeen. You can try it though…
I didn’t write about the bar because I don’t drink, besides you can drink anywhere – but good food is hard to come by these days.
FS – I didn’t write about the bar because I don’t drink, besides you can drink anywhere – but good food is hard to come by these days.
Good food is pretty easy to come by. FREE good food is very difficult to come by.
Who the hell eats the grilled veggies at a shmorg like that?!
@Hornball, I forgot to mention she’s gay. Like I said, she completely was joking with him. Under normal circumstances, he would have joked right back at her, but that was hardly the time or the place.