I never liked gemara much, but its possible that I wasn’t learning the right gemara. For instance I never learned about the naked guy on the roof who falls into the naked girl and they wonder whether or not she is still a virgin – interesting but not nearly as interesting as the following gemara in Bava Metzia:
There is a gemara in Bava Metzia that a fan sent over that is about the great sages discussing each others penis sizes, sounds like a locker room to me. I just cant imagine a bunch of white bearded talmudic scholars telling each other how big they are.
Apparently Rav Pappa had a huge shlong, which is explains why we mention him so many damned times durring siyums.
Here’s an except -
Rebbi Yochanan stated that the “Ever” (lit. “limb”) of Rebbi Yishmael bar’Rebbi Yosi was like a flask the size of nine Kavim. Rav Papa stated that the “Ever” of Rebbi Yochanan was like a flask the size of five Kavim (or, according to others, three Kavim). The Gemara continues and says that the “Ever” of Rav Papa himself was like a Harpanian basket.
to read the gemara with explanations from Tosfos click here
-->
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
You should’ve kept reading. Maybe it would teach you some eidelkeit.
The context of the conversatio, I believe, is that a woman tells one of the rabbis that his children are not his, since he is fat. He tells her that everything in his body is proportionate. Then follows the whole discussion about sizes.
But then there is a punchline: another opinion states that when it says that he was big, it meant that his love to his wife was big (and vice versa) — and that true love, based on true things supersedes and overcomes all obstacles, including physical ones.
But then there is a punchline: another opinion states that when it says that he was big, it meant that his love to his wife was big (and vice versa) — and that true love, based on true things supersedes and overcomes all obstacles, including physical ones.
If BY were allowed to teach gemara, this is the sort of BS that I would have learned, completely leaving out the whole penis thing altogether.
Are you mocking the size of frum satire’s eidelkeit?
i think this article goes a bit overboard
What do you think the young students majored in while enrolled in Yeshivat Shem VeEver?
By the way, it’s well known that the wellest hung Tana was Rav Shmuel Davis the Younger.
I taayna like Rav Yonasan, and have the same ha’aara,it’s not the length of his eidelkeit, but rather the girth of his eidelkeit.
Lets just say it aint as biog as Rav Pappas
This is “frum” satire?
What are the “marei makomos” for this?
please provide what daf this is located on…also for more, see kiteya bar mila, another wonderful aggadata in avodah zara daf yud I think,
I thought the following Gemara about the Rabbi’s hanging out by the mikvah to watch women bathe and help them / bless them, is a lot freakier than the one about the Rabbi’s “branches.”
Does anyone actually know what a Harpanian Basket is? I’m feeling somewhat threatened.
If BY were allowed to teach gemara, this is the sort of BS that I would have learned, completely leaving out the whole penis thing altogether.
This is why when 5th Lubavitcher Rebbe was asked what to chose if one has only an hour to study a day: Gemara or Chassidus, he answered: Chassidus. The reason he gave was that if you learn Chassidus for one hour a day, you’ll realize you have more than an hour a day to learn Torah.
But the other reason is that first you need to become a Jew (consciously). An animal cannot learn Talmud.
That’s not the weirdest thing.
The weirdest things IMO would include:
Doing liposuction on the R’ above and leaving his body fat in the sun to watch it not rot to prove he was a tzaddik.
Doing brain surgery to remove a tumor (Ketubos 77b – Ra’atan)
A R’ who went to meet up with some Roman general who was in his personal bath surrounded by naked women.
Or in Niddah where a R’ examined a female Canaanite slave (To prove some detail about female anatomy) and paid her for the embarrassment. (Later commentators don’t like the Rabbis doing things they wouldn’t imagine themselves doing, so this becomes “metaphor” even though Chazal has quite a few instances where they’re rather comfortable around non-Jewish female immodesty).
how people get all upset over your expose of the gemara, but have no teiynes on the eidelkeit of the amora-im
My favorite is the one about the lovesick man who is not allowed even to talk with the object of his affection through a screen because it’s not tsanua.
See Daniel Boyarin’s Carnal Israel. There are many more like the fat rabbis aggadata.
It’s Baba Metzia 84a, I believe. I love the bs “nimshal” explanation of the gemara, CA. Although it does seem improbable that a Jew’s ever would be 9 kabim, so maybe it is actually allegorical. I got this second, spirituo-sexual explanation of the Gemara when I was in Yeshiva at Yeshivat Hakotel a number of years back.
I just started a new blog, “I Hate Rav Bina”, at http://ihateravbina.blogspot.com. It’s dedicated to exposing the small-mindedness and damaging pedagogy of the year in Israel experience. If you like Apikorsut and bucking the authorarian religious power establishment, check it out. Rav Bina is the Rosh Yeshiva at a yeshiva in Old City of Jerusalem where I studied, and I could not have had a worse educational/spiritual experience largely due to him and his influence. I’ve got plenty of material, so check the blog regularly.
The purpose of the blog is 1) to act as a forum for people who had terrible religious experiences in the year in Israel between high school and college; and 2) to caution kids going to Israel about the dangers of oversubscribing to religious authority.
If you went to Hakotel/Netiv Aryeh and you have similar feelings, feel free to email me at elisha.moshe@gmail.com and I’d be happy to consider adding you as a co-blogger/guest blogger.
I am bothered by a religious tradition that proves itself unable to cope with its own holy books. What kind of foolishness dismisses the Gemorrah as not part of authentic Judaism, simply because the culture in Brooklyn would not be comfortable with it? I know, I know, we don’t dismiss the Gemorrah – we explain it away in absurd ways rather than dealing with what it says. We also come up with twisted explanations of clear verses dealing with levirite marriage and cheating our brother out of his inheritance in order to find a way to prohibit masturbation.
Marcos from 11:
I think that was Rav Yochanan.
Hint: Brochos is full of this kind of gemara.
dont forget the gemara where the amoraim discuss ideal breast size. I dont remember the exact lsource but its in Kesubos.
i RSS your feed (and twitter) and often enjoy your comments. usually, your satire of frum idiocies and chumras are well-placed and often funny.
i find nothing funny or well-placed about talking disrespectfully about amoraim. noting how weird a gemara is one thing, talking about a rav’s ’schlong’ is going over the line.
addressing “interesting to note”s comment: when hesh becomes a talmudic scholar and sage, we will cease to question the proprietary of his insights also.
It seems some comments have given away the game. I’ve noticed one comment that frankly and readily admits that the decision as to what is proper to say is based on the status of the individual saying it. Should not this decision be based on what is said?
Has Hesh spoken disrespectfully about amoraim? Only if the amoraim did also, since he simply summarized what appears in the Gemorrah. If talking about a rav’s schlong is over the line, then this Gemorrah too is over the line. Perhaps we should erase it.
The point that I think Hesh was making, and I fully agree, is that the sensibilities of self-selected communities in Brooklyn or Long Island are not the sensibilities of the Talmud, and it is wrong to blend the two. I point to the silliness of picturing Amoraim as dressed in the manner of the Polish elite. The Amoraim mostly worked in physical trades and were engaged in politics and the outside world.
I remember learning that gemara in yeshiva and thinking WTF. However, when you look at aggadeta in general, you find very strange things going on, from Rabbis fighting like babies over twigs, to arguing over size, which in this case, according to many opinions, refer to their stomach size.
It would make more sense, as a kav is about 3 lbs, I can’t imagine anyone with a 25-30 lb shmeckle.
Speak for yourself, Phil. There’s a reason they call some of us “Tripod”
A Nuran,
Seems like 3 legged freaks aren’t the norm, and have never been. In fact, one of the “blemishes” that invalidate a kohain from serving in the Beis Hamikdash is having his snake grow past his knees.
I’m gueesing your mohel has strech marks around his mouth…
So how many kavim does Ron Jeremy sport?
Chris,
At 3 lbs per kav, I don’t think he’s even got 1/4 kav.
Maybe if he wasn’t Jewish / uncircumsized…
Phil,
If he was uncut he wouldnt have become so famous. In his own way, he really is a light unto the nations.
Phil wrote:
In fact, one of the “blemishes” that invalidate a kohain from serving in the Beis Hamikdash is having his snake grow past his knees.
I reply:
OOOOKKKKAAAAYYYY
1) Do you have a citation for that?
2)He might not be able to serve on the BH. But as consolation he gets to be Chief
A Nuran,
Rambam, not sure if it was hilchot Avodah, possibly pesulei hamikdash.
He enumerates 8 “natural conditions” that qualify as a mum, along with a bunch of others such as injury, etc. Among them was the long dong. He doesn’t get to be chief either.
They had a guy that checked for all mumin before allowing the kohain to serve, I guess his job had some interesting aspects to it to say the least.
FYI, he also list things that count as mumin for women, among them very large breasts, as well as one that were disproportionate to the other. I believe it was in reference to “hidden” mumin that are grounds to invalidate/cancel a marriage.
Looks like people back then had no point or desire to go for cosmetic enlargements of any sort.
once again, you are a disgrace to frum jews. There is nothing frum about this post, and you should honestly be ashamed of yourself!! you are a disgusting person!
ME – He is the greatest blessing to frum Jewry.
Well I always thought African Americans had the biggest shlongs.But now I see them Talmudic Rabbis be gettin in on the copetition as well. I wonder if they liked watermellon,fried chicken and basketball too.Phil are you sure these Rabbis were white?That talmuldic exerpt sound like somthin me and my homboys jive about when we shootin the sh*t
You white guys are so dum,dint you look at the comentators,ritva says they be talkin about them musssuls and rabbi peretz says they be talkin about their food.I knew there be somthin a little to white about that conversation to be taken literaly
Now that were on the topic, I’m not trying to sound like a slut or anything but was I just wondering only for the sake of couriosity ,if you don’t mind me asking,and I’m sure everyone would like to know,how big is yours Hesh
You guys get to learn such interesting stuff!
Hesh, this is definitely NOT locker room. I feel it is more like men’s mikva talk.
Ten Kavim – not to worry. Your parents named you ‘Ten’ at eight days old for a reason.
Jenny! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(psst…I think ^ up there^ he admitted to it being “Lets just say it aint as biog as Rav Pappas”)
ME – if you don’t like it, dont’ read it.
Veebee – ditto. We take ourselves too seriously.
Phil: That last bit is good news for those of us who might be able to marry Kohanim. We can always ask for his ‘credentials’
Hesh, this is really interesting…and funny too.
Thanks for the pre-work giggle.
Soul Bratha,
They might have ben a bit tanned, but I’m pretty sure they were caucasians.
Leeba,
Anyone trying to start this sort of topic in a mikvah would end up in the hospital.
“Soul Bratha” just give it up, you are only embarrassing yourself
Yo chris_b I don’t just give it up to anyone.Only to the right girl at the right time.Than and only then will I whip out the loknez monsta.and I sure aint givin it up to you.What is you a racist just cause I am black dont mean Im gay.
Yo Jenny if you wanna get the biggest bang for your buck, fire me back an e-mail,I got the worlds largest and longest tootsie roll if you catch my drift:) they dont call me shaftman for nothin
SB, what you leave in the latrine is of no interest to any of us
this is illegal and total kifira i dont care how u explain this there is true meaning to that gemara if u look in the back of the gemara in the mahrsha he explains it . i hope u klap al chait a couple more times this year on yom kippur
btw i beat them bith
put together
A. Nuran
When I said tootsie roll I meant big willy.Since I am an African Amrican mine is black.But thats ok you prably dint know I was black.By the way anyonelse here a Knicks fan?
Any single WHITE guys out here this conversation is gettin me sweaty
Oh come on Jenny you dont want no brathaly love,you probly aint from philli
sorry Soul Bratha Im a whit meat only kinda gal.But Im sure youll find some one. I’ll be on the lookout for some jewish sisters if you know what I mean.Do you digg?
JEENY you knoe ehat the only thing I wany to digg is?
Are all men dogs are or what?
Jenny, maybe we are, but I object to a moral system which makes its goal the denial of whatever is natural. That kind of system just loads everyone up with guilt and can be used too easily to manipulate the guilt-ridden society. I’m also a single white guy. Feel free to follow up with me.
Jenny – Don’t feed the Trolls.
I doubt highly that “Soul Bratha” is anything but that. You see, Trolls come around and only serve to derail the thread of conversation.
Just ignore sweetie, and keep enjoying yourself.
And Puzzled, please don’t feel like you need to apologise for all men. You act like a nice individual. You are the only person you need to speak for. Dogs are dogs..they can be of either gender.
As for guilt…they say the Jews invented guilt and the Catholics perfected it. Without going much further, I would say that some groups are working hard once again to try and make us feel even guiltier by splitting hairs and adding rules to what was already ‘enough’ Does that make sense?
I guess I am a pretty natural sort. I read/hear whatever I like. If something offends me, I don’t pull my moral compass out and begin trying to direct everyone else. I just avoid what is offensive to ME.
I am not offended by the intent of this subject. In fact, it cracked me up.
Leeba
Leeba, I have no intention to apologize for all men, or for myself on this particular point. If Jenny’s question is do all men have strong sex drives, then I’ve seen little evidence suggesting that the answer is no, and plenty suggesting it’s yes. Some of us simply learn not to act on it in inappropriate places.
Higher estrogen levels improve child-bearing ability. They also lead to bigger breasts and fuller hair, and even to faces more closely approximating the golden ratio. Turns out, not surprisingly, that men are drawn to these features. Yet there are social mores attempting to tell men that we shouldn’t desire women with such features. What’s the purpose of this moralizing? I suggest that it is make everyone evil – and racked with guilt – and more liable to accepting overbearing, tyrannical attitudes.
The Jewish religion, as I understand it, developed over a time frame, and a rather long one at that. In its early history, it was willing to deal with nature in an honest way. Halacha offers an objective set of rules which a person can, through sufficient effort, follow. This enables a person not to consider himself evil.
However, over the years, aspects of other moral systems, particularly Christianity, filtered into the Jewish society. Afraid of offending others, Jewish morality had to adapt. Rather than being translated from Hebrew into English, our “holiest of holy songs” now had to be mangled dishonestly by offering an “interpretation” that embodies commentaries and refuses to print the words of the song themselves. Our Talmud, too, was twisted in those places that it failed to fit with later sensibilities. Talmudic Sages cannot have had healthy relationships with their bodies – they must have been as unhealthy as a Chassidic bochur. Hence, we produce commentaries to explain why the words don’t mean what they say.
SB,
Black men have white ones. So, what are you talking about? Maybe you’re not really black. Maybe you’re just trying to get people ryled up. I think someone else said that, too.
Anon Girl
Lizen up girl.Unless I’m color blind the last time I looked down there it was black. By the way how do you know what color it is.Unless you be havin some on the side, if you know what I mean .Or you be lookin at playgirl(I know you only be readin it “for the articles” but thats what they all say).
why did u take down my comment was it to harsh?
this was the first time i actually laughed at on of your posts,and whats funnier is how offended everyone gets abouts this,the fact remains that an entire gemara is dedicated to Penis Size for whatever reason! LOL LOL!!!
If you’re this immature about it, and i honestly know grade schoolers who would more mature about it and understand it for what it’s actually on, maybe youshould ask a Rabbi what you should be learning? Have you asked a reliable Rabbi any of your things?