In continuation of yesterdays post about married folks organizing their lives around niddah calendars…
I love reading the Jewish Press mostly for the chronicles of crisis section in which right wing therapists talk about everything in crisis or sickness mode. Homosexuality is called SSA (same sex attraction) as if it were a disease and a wife catching a husband looking at porn is called sexual addiction and they make it seem like all hell is going to break loose. I remember this one particularly disturbing piece about a wife who caught her husband looking at porn and she made it sound like he was caught wearing a suicide belt on his way to blow up a mall, it was really ridiculous.
The simple fact of the matter is that almost every guy looks at porn, including orthodox Jews, that’s just life, you can all deny it, shoot as a public personality I am going to deny ever looking at porn, selling it during yeshiva or paying beis medrish guys to buy it for me as long as they could rip out several pages, but to vilify porn watchers as if they are some diseased sex addicts is overdoing it just a bit.
I couldn’t believe how many emails I got from people thinking I held the key to frum porn after I published a simple picture with the title of the post being “what is a hot chani?” It was ridiculous and at first I would mess with these people and then I would just let them know the bad news – kind of like telling a kid that santa doesn’t exist.
I recently hanging out somewhere and I overheard a newlywed talking about how his wife hates when he looks at porn, to an older guy who has been married seven years tell him that he has to hide it from his wife – the whole conversation was pretty disturbing like that. Both of the guys seemed kind of disappointed in their marriages even though the older guy said he was content – the classic question would be – if he was content, why the need for porn? If it is even a need, maybe its just one of those pastimes men cant be expected to give up when they enter into a marriage. I really hope that’s not how it goes for me, what’s the point of porn when you have the real thing – even if its only for 32 weeks out of the month?
My theory is that God created the porn kings all of whom are Jewish so that they could profit off of an increasingly frum society that keeps the laws of niddah – you see before people were really religious with mikvah there really wasn’t as big a need, but now the move to the right causes more men to stray down the path of porn. I know what your thinking WTF???
I myself can see a push in frum society for someone to come out with Jewish porn, I used to write about this all the time, because when I first started blogging I couldn’t believe people were searching for frum sex or Jewish porn, but now the searching is increased and more desperate. Its like they cant understand that no porn producer has seen Chassidim having sex on screen as profitable and so it doesn’t exist, yet countless times per day my blog comes up in searches and people click in the hopes they come across the holy grail of Jewish porn which I can only assume means that it features someone that is fully tznius talking dirty in Aramaic.
Please note that I think Jewish porn is disgusting and degrading to women and it does not belong in a healthy marriage, but what do I know, I’m single…
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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Um, sorry…32 weeks out of the month???
haha he obviously meant the year, but hilarious mistake.
Thank you Jelen – I meant 2 weeks per month
heshy, how do i change my picture? i already registered with the site
to lie about porn. at least be honest.
Porn=sex addict makes it more ok to hate the “evil goyim and secular Jews” who produce it.. you know,unless they donate to the yeshiva….
I’m game for the “real thing” 32 weeks a month! If only…
Hey, same question as Jelen…
right – obviously looking at porn does not mean you have a disorder (though apparently not so obvious to lots of others)
also – ive never actually looked at porn myself, but from what i’ve heard it is not normal looking hot women. it’s ehm, lets say surgically enhanced women.
i would think that for a guy to look at that doesnt even necessarily mean he has an unhealthy marriage, just that its serving a different purpose in his life.
No he is following what our leaders do.
President: I think I have visited 57 states….
Furm Satire: 32 weeks a month
Alternatively it could be a Freudian slip in wishing there were 32 weeks of purity in a month
I just see it as you got be kidding me. This question goes out to all the married guys… if you look at your wife can you imagine what she would look without her clothing? If so then why look at a computer screen? If not, you really need to pay more attention to your wife.
So I`m thinking, if theguy really wants pictures of naked women, then why can`t he get pictures of his wife naked? Hey, it`s better than looking at other women. He would just be looking at what he already has! But like Heshy said, what do I know? I`m single too.
It’s really up to a guy and his wife to decide where they stand on it. I watch porn and my wife doesn’t mind. heck, sometimes she even watches it with me (she likes the softcore ones better, where you don’t see a close-up of every last wrinkle).
The main problem with the way shidduchim work is that these issues are discussed before marraige, so you only find out after marraige what your spouse is comfortable/uncomfortable with. For example, if a guy really likes BJs and the girl thinks they are disgusting, in the shidduch world that won’t be discussed at least until after they are engaged, possibly even after they are married. What do you do then? Go to shaindy.com, craigslist or your next-door neighbor?
I would think that frum porn would be frowned upon (never mind that it’s frummy porn), ’cause seeing your wife look at a guy with no payes might be less intimidating than seeing her look at a naked guy who looks and dresses like you. (and vice-versa, for women) By the people portrayed in pornographic films not resembling anyone the spouse might actually ever date, perhaps there is a certain comfort zone that that provides. I always found erotic literature to be far more intriguing than pictures or movies (that, of course, I’ve never seen), but I’m not a guy. And, Hesh, I think your ideas on attraction and marital life are admirable and romantic, but what do I know? I’m still single, too.
I’m sure that when you want to look at pictures of women, you look at women’s clothing catalogs that feature pictures of women in modest clothing.
Heshy- is that picture your idea of porn?
wow ur frum! or just very innocent..?
Many years ago I had a friend who suffered from genuine sex addiction. As I understand it, the real thing is like alcoholism or drug addiction where you reach a point where the addiction is all that matters in your life to the point where maybe you cant hold a job, cant deal with any responsibilities, and use all your cash and then some to satisfy your need. There is a 12 step program to deal with this condition and therapists who specialize in treating it as well.
What makes sex addiction so very different from alcoholism or drug addiction is that having sex is a normal part of a healthy human life unlike shooting heroin or snorting coke or seeing life through the bottom of a bottle. The goal of AA and NA is a life without the substances, but the goal of treating sex addiction is not total abstinence but to be able to have a “normal” (whatever that means) sexual relationship with someone.
Thank God I wasnt afflicted with this condition. Its been over 20 years since I’ve had any booze or herb (etc.) and really after the first few years it was very easy for me to stay clean & sober. My friend went through a much more difficult time. Anyway, like the title of the post, watching some porn doesnt make you a sex addict any more than having a glass of kiddush wine on Shabbat makes you an alcoholic.
Double M,
As a man who has been married a long time and still adores his wife, I can state with absolute confidence that I can indeed imagine what my wife looks like without her clothing. I pay as much attention to her as she will put up with and I clearly understand the difference between her and a model or actress.
I’ll tell you two more little secrets:
1) some women like porn too
2) some couples enjoy watching it together
If looking at naked women is the issue, then why do the men not look at naked pictures of their wifes? I mean, hey, it`s better than looking at other women (which is agaisnt what judaism believes). They can lust after what they already have!
I think its the wrong attitude Hesh, although I like the humour. The issue of porn in marriage is just as much down to a woman as it is a man- its a good way to relinquish responsibility from a females perspecive…?
WE get tons of it on French TV at night here, another reason I don’t let my kids watch TV. I’ll be flipping, hit a scene, stop, the wife will be like “keep flipping”.
Magazines are for kids, I can’t imagine any frum adult reading them, much less owning a collection.
Internet use to be real bad years ago, you would get it randomly and it was everywhere even if you weren’t looking for it. Eventually the search engines got smart and figured out how to keep them where they belong, i.e. only for people looking for it.
OMG where’d u get this pic? i know these girls! they’re actually rly good girls.
s(b) I do not ask singles that question as there is no outlet for that energy… well except for fanatical hatred of the current country yours is engaged in war with as well as love for big brother and his minions in the thought police.
Kosher porn – calmkallahs
a girl – it’s called google.
I don’t view porn, but I dig sex.
As a married woman I have absolutely no issue with porn within reasonable limits. I’m not talking about sex addicts who spend a ton of time looking at porn or spend all their money on it, I’m talking your normal average man who looks at porn every now and then.
Porn is so unrealistic that there is no way a man is going to look at it and suddenly lose interest in his real life wife. I liken it to women cruising the net looking at very expensive shoes. Looking at them is not going to make a woman leave her average husband for a man who can buy her psychotically priced shoes. ;o)
I think insecurity is an issue for women who get angry that their husbands look at porn. Women who feel badly about themselves are the ones worried that their husbands won’t want them after looking at tanned, surgically enhanced, slutty porn stars. And BTW, most sheitel hookers look sexier fully dressed than porn stars in the buff! Frum women should be far more concerned about their husbands going to shul or the local grocery store when they’re niddah!
Plus I know many couples who watch porn together and enjoy it. Porn is really NOT a big deal if you have a stable, secure marriage.
Double M, the question is a nice one. However, I’d hate to think of anyone turning their sexual energy into fuel for energy to engage in acts of violence. (I realize some athletes will abstain from sexual activity before a big game/match, to transform that stored energy for athletic application, and I’m not as serious, in general, as this post may seem.)
I agree with veebee re: calmkallahs. There’s some diverse material there, for those who seek it.
Porn is like any other form of fiction. Its about the fantasy. Guys don’t watch action movies because they feel something is missing from their lives, nor do they really want to go around blowing stuff up. Its fun and a way to expirience something you would never get to do.
Or so I hear
Shira,
Not all wives are comfortable posing naked for the camera. If any of the ladies here do decide to give their husband a little photographic gift, be sure to delete the photos from the camera/memory card after printing or transferring to the computer. Also not a good idea to leave those kinds of photo files on the computer either. You probably dont want something like that to end up on the Web…
Shira,
How many frum women do you know, that will allow their hubbies to take nude shots of them?
How many frum men do you know that carry around nude pics of their wives ?
This subject is actually quite topical in the UK – :
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7970731.stm
s(b) that was a reference to 1984 and the book explaining the party and its controls on society. Really good book if you have not seen it I recommend it.
If feeling a desperate need to look at porn whenever you get a chance, or even just once a week but without it you go crazy or can’t be yourself, is not considered an addiction than what is? I’m not one to judge people but that is certainly an addiction if you ask anyone with a brain. People who can’t control themselves, especially those who are married, should make it their business to either seek help or place their own restrictions on what they can see so that they will eventually lose the need to look at it altogether. The reason for this is quite obvious; it can destroy your marriage and it can certainly destroy your neshoma!!!!!!
Hey, I`m not saying that the majority of women will pose naked for their husbands. To me though, that`s a better alternative than looking at porn.
I might be one of the most conservative here, but I think porn takes away from the purity and goodness of a marriage. I`ve seen what it can do to marriages, and it isn`t pretty. In addition to that, doesn`t anyone here think it`s morally wrong?
See thats my point exactly. Theres a difference between use and addiction for anything, alcohol, recreational substances, porn, even religiosity. If a person overindulges in anything to the point where its detrimental to their marriage, there is a problem. A glass of wine can being joy to a meal, drinking heavily to where you cant support your family or deal with your spouse not so much. A person or couple enjoying erotica vs someone who cant relate to their partner because the partner doesnt look/act like the people in porn? same same. Too much of a good thing aint no good.
Double M, seen it, ought to read it more carefully again. Visual media is like spaghetti that doesn’t stick to the wall of my brain, unfortunately. Cheers for a good allusion, even if I didn’t catch on to it.
Hesh, new post idea….
Anyone happy that we have porn before we get married so we know what to do … since no yeshiva actually teaches sex ed?
I’ve heard so many stories of couples not being able to have kids, only realizing they were having sex in the wrong hole. That’s just stupidity if you ask me, but what do I know… I’m married.
I love that nearly every guy I’ve dscussed this with has denied viewing porn. The funny part is that even some guys who don’t keep the laws of Negiah or Kashrut, still feel the need to deny satisfying a totally natural urge. (well I guess I’m jumping to conclusions – no, i think its a pretty obvious conclusion.)Mostly I just feel bad, I feel as though Halachot of Sexuality are often better suited to a “Shmona Esrai LaChupah” society. I guess I don’t have a huge issue with pornography, which probably surprises me most of all.
“and BTW, most sheitel hookers look sexier fully dressed than porn stars in the buff!”
Amen, that’s why there is such a drive for Frum Porn…these FRUMILFS are hot, and dress to kill, and KNOW it. FrumPorn would make so much money, the owner/smut merchant would probably pass Yerovam Ben Navat in World’s greatest sinners list…but some of the blame goes to the Hot Chani’s who strut around the Pesach Hotels with Chassidishe Shechita turning the Mashgiach’s heads away from the lettuce and to the skirt and hose… and don’t you love their husbands with Jetson’s eyeglasses waltzing thru the hotel with the look that says I just F-d my Hot Chani wife-meanwhile his wife is out Flirting with his best friend at the 24 hr tea room…I guess this is the true meaning of Passover.
So let me get this straight- women who cover their hair, elbows, and knees are at fault for “turning heads” and driving men to look at porn?
yes, Gila…elbows and knees are meaningless if they are sexed up -I’m not talking about an aidel BY girl who looks great in her uniform-I’m talking about…well, check out Heshy’s famous HotChani pic…