The Rabbis love to make bans, it proves they are keeping frummies insular, it looks good on their resumes and it helps them retain their tyrannical control over the ultra orthodox community. It is high time for the rabbis to ban some items that would be beneficial to us all, instead of focusing their attention on tznius, bug infestations and secular inspired Yiddish music, they should start banning other things such as:
Pre-pubescent boys choirs: it seems like an invitation to have homo-erotic fantasies and promotes child abuse. What is to stop boys choir members from getting busy in the dressing rooms? Besides we can all pretty much agree that frummie boys choirs suck and probably break every law in the book when it comes to kol isha.
Snoods: Do I even have to explain myself on this one, yes they look awfully comfortable, but a women in a snood and shabbos robe shouldn’t even wonder why their husbands are looking on the craigslist casual sex ads for more attention.
Bluetooths in restaurants: I just don’t want to hear what you have planned for mikvah night while I am sitting in a pizza store. Its rude enough that Jews don’t clean up after themselves in NY, add the Bluetooth permanently implanted in the ear and things go awry.
Pizza price gouging: How is it that every single pizza store in New York could find out when the prices go up? There must be some sort of Sephardic pizza racket similar to the way OPEC messes with oil prices, because there is no way that the Crown Heights people would know that Borough Park raised the prices to $2.50 a slice.
Slamming the change on the counter: Have you ever tried to pick up a penny on a slick countertop without a good set of nails? It doesn’t work, in fact it backs up the line and slamming change on the counter is rude, God forbid I get too close to your hand miss cashier, God forbid you feel the heat from my hand as you hand me my change, God forbid you put the bills under the coins so I can pick them up.
Women in SUV’s: In my view and I am sure I will get flack for this, women do not belong in SUV’s, simply because they drive erratically and the suspension isn’t made for quick yenta u-turns so they could say hi to someone they knew in the middle of the street. They should only be driving minivans, because SUV’s are probably not tznius anyway.
Gefilte fish jelly: This should have been banned years ago, because there is no good reason why anyone should have to deal with gefilte fish jelly, its just disgusting.
Triple parking: Look double parking is fine because someone may be able to get out, but triple parking is creating a great sakannah and should not be done.
Women from Friday night mincha: You can come after mincha, but unbeknownst to women, Friday mincha has to be davened by all latecomers in the women’s section. If it isn’t done in the women’s section it completely throws off as lot of people from their whole tradition.
There are plenty more – but I needed to entertain you with a scheduled post while I was driving back to Texas!
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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
We have pre-pubescent boys for the same reason the vatican did: To get girly sounding voices that aren’t Kol Isha (they didn’t think it was tzniusdik either). Just be glad Jews never got into Castrati (look it up).
The Rabbonim should just ban SUVs all together. New Psak: Get a hybrid.
I’m pretty sure I used to eat gefilte fish jelly when I was a kid. What the heck is that stuff made of???
I’m with you on the kid choir thing, I had a tzil vezemer member as a yeshiva room mate when I was 16, the guy sounded like a 10 year old girl. Used him as a punching bag in order to shut him up.
Once they are at it, have them ban Avraham Fried, MBD, and all associated / similar music. Why can’t we have normal bands that play something other than that stupid marching beat wedding music?
Gefilte fish alwys grossed me out, the jelly type was “grosser than gross”, along with those onions from the herring.
Yes hes away from his web site lets give him a long string before he can read it!
I would suggest banning cell phones in synagogues… especially on Shabbat.
I say we ban coffee. Who knows how much torah could be learned if the bachurim didn’t spend all day drinking coffee!
How about these bans?
Cigarettes, underage drinking, dangerous driving, illegal parking, leaving trash on restaurant tables, men singing where women can hear, rudenes to anyone who happens not to meet your standard of Yiddishkeit, the word “schvartza”…
(but a women in a snood and shabbos robe shouldn’t even wonder why their husbands are looking on the craigslist casual sex ads for more attention.)
You are a sexist pig. Men can look like shlumps, pass gas, eat all over the place but women need to look like models 24/7? women clean, cook and SERVE ugly men on shabbos, when do women get to chill?
I have been following your blog for awhile, it is clear as daylight that you use corny humor to hide your hate towards frummies/hasidics especially women. You’re obviously SO GAY & boring!
awesome picture!
Women at Mincha…. the men don’t belong in the women’s section, they have to come in late. OOOO, people will know they were late, whoopty doo, suck it up already.
Lol about the fish jelly. I can’t even think about it without getting queasy
They should ban anything without corrext spelling, it causes chilul hashem.
I agree about the robes. I don’t care how fancy or expensive those bathrobes are, but besides by hospital patients, they shouldn’t be worn in public.
Otherwise I disagree or haven’t thought about other things on your list.
Remember that in Pirkei Avot, it tells you to “choose a Rabbi.” My rabbis don’t ban all the concerts and all. You’d probably like my rabbis, but it would be harder to write satire about them.
A wise man recently quipped: Having a cell phone is akin to being an ‘eved’, have a bluetooth and you’re an ‘eved nirtzah.’
Sexist – I do hope your kidding – but either way I just sent it to a bunch of women and they had a good laugh.
Love it!
always can use a laugh during my studying!
I would add any singer that tries to “Jew up” secular music and I would also ban any use of the first few bars of “The Final Countdown” at any chassunah.
great one hesh
yeah, sexist. but not for the snood thing, for the women in suv’s thing.. and i’ll forgive you just this once cause most of the list is right on and you did represent at the feminist forum..
they should just change the name from snood to sexy hair bag.
NOBODY regardless of chromosomes, gender or gonads, should own or drive an SUV, ever.
actually really funny and pathetic at the same time! thanks for not being afraid to write these things.
Ah, there are some nice snoods out there. I saw one the other day , it had faux pearls. It was pretty. Then again, I’m not a guy.
SUVs are bad, period. However, SUVs are the only type of vehicle my aunt has driven and she’s ace at it. Wish I could say the same for certain guys.
This post could be seen as a bit sexists (or more than a bit), but knowing your type of humour, it’s all in good fun.
@Sexist, Wow! You’re SO MATURE and ERUDITE!
I guess the boy-choirs are because of some desire for high octaves. Women in Ancient Greek and Shakespearean plays were played by boys.
sexist,
If you wrote a post about shlumpy men farting all over the place after gorging themselves with cholent, I’d laugh at that too.
Boy choirs are to Judaism what Boy Bands are to non Jews. Oh wait – we have the Chevra
Have you ever though of banning electricity… think of all the things that would not exist!
• Telephone
• Internet
• Cell phones
• Lightbulbs… preventing everyone who does not keep Shabbat from turning on lights
• All portable music as we know what you can listen to on your headphones….
• While we talk about music we also do not need to worry about the electric guitar
• Instant messages…. we cant tell if your talking to young lady about all sorts of stuff that we do not want you to talk about
If I am forgetting anything let me know.
This ban should be so complete that electrons no longer exist for the creation of electricity. What we do about the foundations of the universe…. We will address that after we have let things run its course. Come on you have to give it a chance.
Hesh…I have much to say on this but will write to you on facebook.
Very amusing about the snood and shabbos robe, though. No wonder there are so many men who won’t give up their e-mail, telephone number or true location when they are chatting you up and asking for photos on web based dating sites.
They don’t want to leave that woman in the snood and shabbos robe. She’s too good of a cook. And they cannot afford to.
sorry, i have to defend the snood and shabbos robe. i love both of them – and so does my husband! for me – its comfort and ease. throw them on and walla- youre dressed for shabbos. my husband likes them too b/c if they go on that easily, they come off that easily too
Usually, gefilte fish jelly is brine, water saturated with salt which is used to preserve the product. Given that fish expires extremely quickly (just ask any sushi fiend), they usually soak fish in brine when transporting it. The fact that the brine is still there when they sell it in the jars…well, you said it…
Brining is not as common as it used to be. In the days before refrigeration, it was the best way to preserve meat, fish, and vegetables while transporting them long distances. Nowadays, according to Wikipedia, it’s best serve for transporting heat, as the brine lowers the freezing temperature, so it serves as a low-cost insulation.
I agree that snoods and robes are nasty outside the house, but it’s essential to hve something comfortable to wear at home. Our lives are hard enough as it is! You try going around with your head tied up ALL THE TIME. You’d want something relatively comfortable too! (Am I right, girls?) Besides, have you checked the prices on snoods and robes? They cost more than my chassuna outfits!
Neil- how about “The Alley Cat” at chassunahs? Anything that reminds me of high school gym class should be banned!
I’m waiting for them to issue a fatwa against girls with naturally red hair. Even the tightest braids can’t disguise the eye-catching color- parents should be required to dye their girls’ hair brown from the age of three. Come to think of it, make brown- or even better, black- the universally accepted hair and shaitel color for all frum girls and women. One more step towards making us all look alike- and making goyishe women that much more attractive!
To all you fish-jelly bashers, you never had real fish jelly.
The first time I heard it being called jelly, it was like ten years ago, and I almost barfed. But whoever knows how to make good “Heimishe Shabbos fish”, your run of the mill Pike, White, and maybe some carp skin/bones in it, would know that the water in which the fish, vegetables and spices were cooked in, is the “jelly.” After the fish is cooked upon refrigeration the water gels like jello. In other circles its called sauce, “saft”, “yo’ech”, “kotchinyo.”
If you like the fish, then you sure would like the jelly, because it embodies all the rich savory flavors of the fish vegetables, and all the spices. and its texture has a certain “geshmacke” feeling where you just put some on a piece of challah or cracker, and its heaven. If you are a good cook, it can be as rich as caviar.
@ anonymous Agreed!
I never wanted to buy a nood because I didn’t like the way it looked, but I borrowed one once in a pinch and surprisingly, my husband thought it looked nice. I bought a couple just for him.
guess not all men have the same taste.
Critic,
Funny you mentioned “kotchonya”, it was one my my grandfater’s favorites. I couldn’t stand it’s look or smell, expecially when it was being cooked.
I guess you have to be Eastern European or Asian to enjoy anything derived from carp. I catch them quite often, but they have to be one of the worse tasting fish I’ve ever tried.
Phil, my family loves carp.
How the Rabbanim requiring that everyone learn proper Hebrew prounciation before they are allowed to daven for the tzibur?
Sorry for the typo (and posting as anon) I meant to say “How about the Rabbanim requiring …”
I agree with most things you write Hesh, but this I dont find this one funny at all – its all too true!
The snood & robe thing erk me quite a lot but #26 does have a good point!
I was thinking along the lines of #26 myself…
Aztec, they can’t ban any derogatory words for anyone, it’s the only terms they use for those not their exact flavour of Jew..
Great List!
I suppose you gefilte fish jelly haters never ate P’tcha (calves foot jelly) in a good sultz (vinegar and finely chopped onions).
Mark,
I find it equally revolting. Some guys “splurge” and order it for the shul kiddush once in a while, another thing I simply don’t understand.
I guess I grew up watching Bill Cosby doing those Jello ads, you know, the one that’s looks like Kool aid. To me, eating meat or fish flavored jello is about as appealing as eating fish flavored ice cream / candy.
this is great– i couldn’t stop laughing. i enjoy the comments almost as much as your posts.
Can we ban the electron? It would make so many other bans unnecessary.
Come on just give it a chance. If there might be a problem we can address it in the future
Phil,
I personally grew up on p’tcha, and although I do agree it’s rather scary looking, the looks are definitely decieving because it tastes great! In fact, I find often that the more scary and creature-like the food, the better it tastes (p’tcha. sushi, herring, liver, cholent, chicken necks e.t.c.) About the carp, I used to love it until my grandmother once saw me eating it and told me I’m eating a predator! That was enough to gross me out and not look at it again.
Yeshiva Dude,
I guess looks have a lot to do with the way I interpret food. I can’t get near mayo, cream cheese, cottage cheese, etc., even though I imagine they can’t taste bad as the rest of my family eats it. To me, they are all visually un-appealing.
You’re grandma phsyched you out, but in reality, predators taste a lot better than bottom feeders. They also have less toxins in their flesh.
The main reason I buy jars of gefilte fish these days is to gain access to the jelly inside. If they sold jars of straight jelly, I’d be there. Just add some plain challah or crackers, and I’m in heaven.
I always had the idea of leaving one of those jars in the sun for a few days and using it as stinkbait. Then again, I don’t think I’m that desperate. Might work on those giant Texas catfish.