As I watched the poor unknowing guy standing with his feet apart trying to bounce correctly for kedusha while holding his siddur awkwardly I realized that Jews have a lot of different body maneuvers. In my crazy mind I came up with a whole slew of maneuvers that you have to know in order to fit into frumkeit. Kind of like like wearing brand new tzitzis and having your tefilin boxes flip over due to the non tightness of your tying job – we can all judge people based on their faulty Jewish maneuvers spotting a walk-in Jew, driver or someone who hasn’t drank the punch yet (my roommates way of referencing new BT’s)
I have written about all of these things at one time or another but never together.The correct and false way to do these maneuvers:
Shmona Esray Stance:
Why is it that people can do almost everything right besides stand with their feet together during shmona esray, in my day school that was how you picked out the kids from non-religious homes, the ones that stood with their feet apart. Plus standing with your feet apart messes with your knee bows, you know the bows that you do when not saying modiim? Knee bows are awkward when your knees aren’t together.
Bows during davening:
I can spot a newbie from a mile away based on their extended bows. I always wonder how some people still have a spinal cord after bowing for modiim all the way down and whipping back up with such force. The best is watching people who have no idea what they are doing bowing at the first bracha of shmona esray, its either really fast or really slow – for all the regulars its a happy medium unless you are fresh out of yeshiva in Israel in which case it is really slow complete with some fists pounding the air.
Havdalah:
Does anyone even know what to do during boray mirei haesh? Some people show their nails to the light (I heard it was because Adam was made of nails) some people wave their hands, some people like to see how close they could get to the flame without burning themselves – always the whacky BT’s.
Silach Lanu Clops:
Whats the deal with trying to resuscitate your dying heart by beating it to death. Calm down people, what you think that clopping loud enough will remind people to say morid hatal? Everyone has a different clop, but the beaters are by far the best.
Finger Siddur Bookmark:
You can always spot a BT because they haven’t yet figured out how to use their finger as a bookmark for their siddur so they always look awkward when walking anywhere with the open siddur.
Kadesh is supposed to be done in one place:
Theres this shul in Dallas with loads of BT’s, it is custom for them to all congregate at the bimah to say kadesh, theres this one guy who walks to the bimah while saying kadesh and its hilarious.
Kedusha stance:
Once again as with every other prayer that needs to be said with knees together, kedusha is one of those prayers that you can use to point out all the BT’s in shul, I especially like watching how they take to the kedusha bounce – because everyone does it a different way.
Talis whip:
Even I am not good at the talis whip, mine never stays on and always becomes lopsided – but I never wear it as a scarf. People, the talis is not a scarf, are scarf talesim even kosher? I love when people put on the huge talesim and it ends up looking like a scarf/cape. I love watching BT’s handle talesim its a great sight.
Hagba:
Why do we even give hagba to BT’s? Maybe the whole fasting thing is BS. Just the other day this guy picked up the torah and it was criss crossed and then he had no idea what to do with it once it was up – finally someone showed him to the bench.
Gelila:
Oy no one knows how to do gelila, but BT’s are kings of never tying the torah tight enough so someone always has to help them out with.
Lulav Shaking:
There really is no correct way to shake if you judge by watching anyone, and in this category BT’s fit right in because they just watch everyone else, except no one knows whats flying so its all good.
Other BT posts:
Messing with BT’s during the holidays
When Baal Teshuvas shed their BT status
How to be a flaming BT
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You seriously LOVE awkwardness!
I haven’t kept me feet together for shmoneh esrei in years, but I grew up frum. It’s just that with my flat feet, it’s painful after a couple of minutes. I held them together as a kid but it got worse as I got older. No I’m wondering how many people assume I’m a BT!
“Bouncing during Kedusha” – lmao Hesh.
I find punching the air more of a snag thing, they usually do it during shmonei esrei with come kind of facial contortions, kind of like those slow motion shots or Stallone in the Rocky movies.
Some of them will actually whine out loud while doing this too.
Open handed air chops and stretches are more of a sefardi thing, usually done during any reference to parnassa such as poseach as yadecha.
I remember one of my school teachers telling us about how we had to clap the evil out of us on Yom Kipper, at 12 years old I took him seriously. After a few hundred al cheits, my chest was sore for days.
My sister had a snag teacher that convinced her that if she ever took her eyes away from the siddur during shmonei esrei, she would se the devil when she died instead of Hashem’s light (that’s Bais Yaakov for you). She was a gullable kid at the time, my brother and I had a blast distracting her every time she davened, she would freak out and cry.
“Theres this shul in Dallas with loads of BT’s, it is custom for them to all congregate at the bimah to say kadesh”
This is a Minhag, and it’s how i used to be done in the old time american congregational shuls. It’s the FFB’s who are wrong on this one
Hesh,
Loved the pic as usual, I sent it to some of my friends. One of them lives in Israel, here is what he says, further proof of how interesting and diverse we Jews are:
Dude. That’s Rav Yehoshua Sofer. One of the sweetest and deadliest people I have ever met. He runs Abir Warriors. Check them out and him on YouTube and on the net. It is according to him a Jewish based martial art. Yes or no, his students are serious and he is the real thing. A blue eyed Temani Breslaver. His uncles were bodyguards of a Jordanian prince I believe, and he grew up in Jamaica for some time.
So when do I get posted on the “bloggers I have met” linklist of fame? You think I paid ten bucks for pizza or something?
We look at our nails during havdalah in order to make some actual use of the flame over which we recite the brocha. Most people don’t realise that the point is to check your nails. I suspect that there might be some connection with the midrash about Adam originally being covered with a nail-like sheath, as havdalah marks the end of the Week of Creation.
Very interesting about the nails thing during Havdala.
I never realized why we did that.
scarf tallesim- ha! i never thought of it that way! that is really funny!
-what is also funny is when u see the tallesim that are rainbow striped! i always get a kick out of that!
I thought the nails thing was to remember that Adam and Eve were made of nails before they ate from the tree.
I need to “stand up” for gelila. I’ve done gelila an inordinate amount. By now, I am a board certified gelila technician.
I can get the whole thing done by the time people are starting to sing “Orech Yamim”.
It must be a fast day, I’m so hungry. When I read “Silach Lanu Chops” all I could see was “Lamb Chops”.
FRUM SATIRE,
Concerning havdallah, my rebbi told us that the proper way by borei meorei ha’aish is to hold up ONLY your right hand (I’m not a 100% sure but he might be talking to righties), and look at fingernails, palm facing you, and than twist your hand to left and outstretch your fingers to view your nails again. Make sure to keep thumb covered at all times, and to see seperation between skin and fingernails. Hope this helps!
Phil,
I had a rebbi in elementary school that told me the same thing about the devil and looking out of the siddur. There must obviously be some kind of basis for it.
The plural of BT is BTs. BT’s is possessive.
Yep, no one knows how to gelila properly.
Also, no one knows how to put a talis on
properly either. People who wrap it around their heads when putting it on…
dys, I have flat feet too and I stand with them together. If you shemoneh esrei hurts when you have flat feet, try karate.