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How do you reject a girl after seeing her picture?

What do you do when after a few long email exchanges and a few phone conversations you ask to see a picture and realize that you cannot get over your lack of attraction?

I think those of us in the dating field that live out of the New York metro area can relate to this more, simply because this tends to happen when you are having the pre-date hour long phone conversations and email exchanges.

Although I am against getting to know someone well over the phone and internet before seeing a picture, I have done this before and always felt trapped in a horrible situation. I always end up in one of two places – I either mull over it for so long that I forget about the girl and it ends up being one of those exchanges that just end…which in my opinion is a pretty crappy thing to do.

Or I end up forcing myself to have an “open” mind and go out with her. By having an open mind, I mean going through her facebook or frumster pictures until I convince myself that it can’t be that bad. This means ignoring the tagged pictures on facebook which always portray the real person and looking at their took this at a perfect angle to hide my extra 200 pounds pictures, which are known mostly as profile pictures.

But seriously people what’s a guy or girl to do? I feel horrible just rejecting a girl after seeing her picture, especially when we had spoken already. I also feel particularly bad if she’s not a looker at all, in which case she realizes immediately that  I rejected her because of her looks.

I could always plead the “I don’t think its going to work” but wait until a couple of email exchanges after the picture. Or I could make up some excuse, but I hate lying and in fact have found the only way not to hurt the girls feelings is to go out with them and suck it up.

And if you are wondering, every single girl I have ever not wanted to go out because of the picture I was not attracted to.

Whats a guy to do?

Other similar posts:

Shidduch date breakdown from a mans perspective

The brick wall of shidduch dating

Thoughts while I’m on a shidduch date

Overweight girl tries to convince bochur to go out on a shidduch date

{ 45 comments… add one }
  • Tuvia February 22, 2009, 11:07 AM

    I did the JDate thing (met my girlfriend on there) and it can be hard to try and figure out ways to tell them you are not interested in them after seeing their picture. Sometimes pictures can be hard to tell, because everyone has good pictures of themselves. I usually went for the imature answer and just plain stopped talking to them πŸ™

  • Phil February 22, 2009, 12:35 PM

    Love the picture you put up, she looks like a true hillibilly wet dream.

    Nothing wrong with rejecting someone if you’re not attracted, it perfectly normal. Bear in mind that eventually, everyone looses their good looks, aging, stress and women having many babies will do that.

    Though marriage shouldn’t be based on looks only, attraction is a major part. People that aren’t physically attracted to each other are doomed from the start if they decide to marry based on external pressure or other reasons.

  • Chavi February 22, 2009, 12:54 PM

    Tuvia, for shame! Glad you didn’t find those photos that hid my extra 200 pounds πŸ™‚

  • The Wandering Wondering Jew February 22, 2009, 12:55 PM

    I’ve never had a guy reject with me because of my picture. Most guys reject me after a phone call or two. I’m apparently very intimidating intellectually.

    How ever a man decides to reject a girl. Tell her that you’re no longer interested or take the high road and tell her that there is a better man out there for her. Don’t just stop communicating with her without saying anything, it is very rude.

  • shevers February 22, 2009, 1:13 PM

    I’ve found that most people look worse and better than pictures in real life.

    They never look as good as their best pictures but they never look as bad as their worst pictures.

  • k February 22, 2009, 1:51 PM

    I agree with shevers. Go on a date and take the pressure off, just enjoy yourself. You’re probably just stressing too much about it, and you can’t make this call so quickly. I’ve been dating the same guy for two years and while, granted, I was attracted to him when we first met, the initial attraction totally pales in comparison to how I feel about him today. Also, don’t forget… she could very well be having the same thoughts about you.

  • SF2K1 February 22, 2009, 2:07 PM

    I’m willing to be flexible, but please, I’m not hiding my looks or lying about them or anything else, cause that sure as hell isn’t getting us anywhere.

    I’m not morbidly obese and don’t find those people remotely attractive. If you have 2 teeth and your face was hit by a shovel, I’m not likely to get past that because we exchanged some good emails, unless we were planning to be married from a long distance and never see each other.

    Call me an “ass” if you want, but I’m a very straightforward person. If I was rejecting that kind of person, after whenever you find out, it would probably be quick and easy: “Sorry, I’m not even remotely attracted to you.”

  • yeshiva dude February 22, 2009, 2:12 PM

    If you are not attracted to the girl, than your best bet is what you already said; email another 2x’s or so and blame the break up on something else like “no connection”(which is true because there is no physical connection). However, it’s important to take into consideration what the people above me wrote, that some people are simply not photogenc. So unless you are certain that she looks like a hippo, don’t rule her out right away. Another thing which people told me countless times which I find very difficult to believe is that attraction can grow on you. Maybe someone can shed some light on this, cause I can’t bring myself to believe such nonsense!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous February 22, 2009, 4:38 PM

    Don’t spend money that you don’t have taking a girl out whom you know it isn’t going to work with!

  • !!!!! February 22, 2009, 7:36 PM

    i am seriosly gonna have nightmares because of that picture!

  • frum single female February 22, 2009, 9:39 PM

    this is why i post my photo on jdate and frumster. if someone doesnt like my look i get that part out of the way right away. then the person can just say they arent interested and i dont have to think that they rejected me right away. fyi, im not exactly photogenic, either.most guys ive dated say i look better in real life. however, i still think that its idiotic to communicate with someone too much without seeing their photo. if someone looks okay , not fabulous then i would meet them, but if they look horrifying i would not bother.
    not posting a photo on jdate or frumster is like a bald person wearing a hat in a photo. eventually they are going to find out and if its going to bother them its better to find this out sooner than later.
    i dont think that its good to go on a mercy date. if you are really that uninterested in the person dont waste your time or their time.

  • Avigdor February 22, 2009, 10:29 PM

    You can always go on a first date to your nearest Weight Watchers….

  • Michal bas Avraham February 22, 2009, 10:30 PM

    I’m just glad I’m a hottie

    • gin November 5, 2010, 11:41 AM

      you people are so shallow not liking soemone because of the way they look i hope you all get ugly and get rejected by everyone and feel sad about it

  • Rg February 23, 2009, 12:46 AM

    Same thing a girl does when they see a guys picture that they are not into ,IGNORE ,CASE CLOSED FINITO.Chicks are `way ahead of us guys when it comes down to this bullcrap,stop giving a crap girls dont & that is what gives them the upper hand ,by the way I never had a problem with my picture ,although I always played the game right .BH I am married & would give advice to anyone .

  • Jason February 23, 2009, 11:09 AM

    Hmm, well, I dunno what to say, I have seen girls that don’t “do it” for me in a picture, but in person have something that makes them just AMAZING…
    So I would at least date once even if the picture does not blow me away..

  • Julia February 23, 2009, 11:53 AM

    And if you are wondering, every single girl I have ever not wanted to go out because of the picture I was not attracted to.

    As opposed to what? So attracted to her that you just had to NOT go out with her?

  • Just as I see it February 23, 2009, 12:11 PM

    Well there are some ravishing looking people that may not be so photogenic. Likewise, a not so hot looking girl(or boy) can cut out a picture from Vogue magazine and paste it on her profile. This can also apply to men/women who claim to be 20 years younger than their age by posting photos of themselves from 10 – 20 years ago. There are guys pretending to be girls and girls pretending to be guys. There are sex predators trying to lure underage children using the same method.I assume most of you are level headed and are not looking to go out with a Hollywood starlet. My point is you shouldn’t soley judge a person by his/her picture. Pictures can be deceiving at times courtesy to photoshop and modern technology. People crop their pictures all them time. If you are not pleased with the person’s physical appearence, then what tragedy could come out of that? Just don’t go out with him/her again; thats all. I’ve been out with not so great looking men( as I’ve also been rejected as well not that I am hideous looking) and its not the end of the world. If you already made plans to go out, then the safest way would be to suck it up and go through this once.If you have not done so yet and if you are really turned off by her looks, then explain to her that you have been thinking your relationship over but you don’t see any compatibility between the two of you and therefore you don’t think its going to work out.Use the kiss ups complimenting her good character and tell her that perhaps there are guys out there that would be a better fit for her; hatzlacha in finding your bashert etc. It was nice talking to youNo good ever came out of hurting someone’s feelings.

  • girl February 23, 2009, 12:31 PM

    your picture (which is a man) confirms the saying: every bit a man is more handsome than an ape is luxury!

    I thought that you were supposed to go out and do something gross so thant the girl will reject you!!!

  • Chana February 23, 2009, 12:48 PM

    Maybe the guy has to grow a pair and just be honest. I know you guys will do anything to get out of confrontation with a female but grow up! Chances are you’re no prize either and if you do end up in a relationship just remember. One day you are going to have hair EVERYWHERE except maybe your head. And we’ll still put up with your crap and dirty socks on the floor because we have discovered that even though you are truly disgusting, there is more to you that meets the eye.

    • kissmeimshomer September 20, 2010, 11:13 AM

      typical frum thinking. every dude by 40 will have a pot belly and be ugly. ever heard of a gym a few times a week? couple days at the beach over the summer? some good jogging? Personal trainer?
      nah, its all cholent and bais medrash and work as an insurance agent. Add 8 kids to the mix and a wife who herself is bloatwed overwheight and has sruffy hair cuz its always covered, and she aint no catch herself.

  • Frum Satire February 23, 2009, 12:49 PM

    RE: Just as I see it

    That is why they have profile pictures and tagged pictures – the tagged pictures show you what they really look like. But, Facebook aside – you must understand that if the picture sucked and the girl rocked I usually go out with them – my issue is if she was mediocre and you aren’t too excited anyway and then bam your presented with a real crappy picture.

    Also just because someone is not photogenic doesn’t mean you cant tell if they are ugly or not. I have never seen someone who was ugly in the pic and hot in real life, usually its the opposite way around – thanks to photoshop.

  • Anonymous February 23, 2009, 3:28 PM

    LOL Chana

  • Talia February 23, 2009, 4:00 PM

    Yeah, I have that problem too. And I hate it when the picture was from 10 years ago or of their younger brother.

    I always wait a few emails after the picture to turn people down. Frankly, I don’t usually email unless I see a picture first, anymore. It’s just too difficult otherwise.

  • BURNT OUT February 23, 2009, 7:23 PM

    One person I dated on Frumster had the perfect solution:

    If he goes out with a girl who turns out to be uglier than her picture, he says:


    Lucky for me, he didn’t do this to me.

  • Rg February 23, 2009, 7:34 PM

    guys are such losers ,all girls have to do is makeup ,tight clothes to show thier assets{if you now what i mean] & the guy is crazy about that otherwise plain looking girl ,but guys have no clue ,they do not know how to cover up their misfortunes ,unless the guy is totally on par with this evil little female game.

  • Hot Channie February 23, 2009, 7:39 PM

    Heshy I totally feel for you – as a hot girl this happens to me with guys all the time. Bald guys situate their yamrulkes in a way that makes them look to have a full head of hair.

  • Joel February 24, 2009, 3:48 AM

    Being a B- list celebrity changes the equation for you. On one hand since your dates don’t cost you much you should go out with the nasty ones. On the other hand you are a creative dude you can come up with a decent excuse. Also just because you talk to a girl on the phone doesn’t commit you to anything.
    I heard you went out with my sister. That I find pretty funny.

  • Leeba February 24, 2009, 8:38 AM

    Chana FTW!

  • Leeba February 24, 2009, 8:45 AM

    I have met a few trolls in my day. A year ago I agreed to go to dinner with a very good looking man. Instead of taking me to the kosher restaurant he had said we would be eating at, we walked around in my neighborhood for the traditional 40 years until he found a cheapThai joint. We stood outside he looked over the menu for half an hour and finally we went in and he ordered a small fried rice, two forks and two waters!

    I did not eat but tried my best to enjoy myself by sticking a metal nail file into my spleen.

    Once we got back to my place, he asked me if he could come in. I told him (honestly) that I would not have him inside as I did not know him. He suddenly perked up a bit and he began to tell me that he wanted to MAKE LOoooVE to me and SHOW ME HOW HE REALLY FELT about me.

    I am not exaggerating. This guy was unforgettable. Had the looks and the chutzpa!

    That was my last blind date. Oy!

  • Aviva February 24, 2009, 2:19 PM

    I’ve noticed that personality can really affect a person’s look, as others have said. I’ve dated wonderful looking men who had all the personality of a kumquat (hate to insult the kumquat) and have dated men who weren’t great looking but whose kindness, generosity and intelligence made them hot in comparison to Kumquat Boy.

    And just ’cause society flaks on balding guys does not mean every woman has a problem with it. I could personally care less if a guy is bald. And it’s positively correlated with virility (a fact most bald guys know, of course!).

    Besides, I’ll take stinkin’ rich over good looks any day. πŸ™‚

  • Klem February 24, 2009, 2:28 PM

    how about just getting the picture first…simple.

  • Michal bas Avraham February 25, 2009, 1:00 PM

    Rg, that’s so true. That’s the entire basis of the hot chanie.

    These girls know this and they know what they are doing.

  • PregnantInHS?? March 4, 2009, 10:43 PM

    Ack!! That picture SCARED me!

  • anonymous July 26, 2009, 9:55 AM

    shouldnt get a guy or girl that look tooo good cause most of them are players. i would hate to go out with a person that is cheap. well i used to go out with a guy that is soo cheap. he couldnt afford a 5 dollar meal. i had to pay for myself and share with him.

  • J October 2, 2009, 11:48 AM

    This reminds of something that happened to me several years ago when I was single and using Frumster.com. Girl contacts me we exchange emails. There was a photo in my profile none in hers. So naturally I emailed her asking if she could send me a photo. From her response you would have thought I asked her to send me a nude photo. She wrote me a whole patronizing email about how someone asking for a photo is her warning sign and she always says no to guys who want to see a photo. Which was of course hypocritical.

  • Anonymous October 6, 2009, 12:28 AM

    Wow, you guys are cunts! Anybody who hates somebody they previously loved just because of the way they look should be raped in the most agonizingly horrible way every single day until they die. I hope this happens to all of you assholes.

  • Sergeant J October 6, 2009, 1:36 PM

    Anyone who can fall in love with a person over mere words very likely has little to no idea what love is, just like when you fall exclusively on a picture.. If you have not even met, and spent real time together, (yes, even frum couples can get together and spend time, it’s called a shidduch date, if I recall) you are foolish and very likely in for disappointment if you already feel “in love”.

  • avraham September 1, 2010, 3:39 PM

    “It’s not you, it’s your picture!”

  • Heather September 20, 2010, 7:25 AM

    as being an attractive female I must admit, I only date men who are on the same level of physical attractiveness. Why should a person ahve to date ugly if she or he doesn’t want to?? The best excuse I use when I am finally issued a picture of the guy and he is not to my liking is saying that I got back together with a previous date and we are trying to see where it goes. There, case closed.

  • Anonymous April 11, 2011, 7:03 PM

    Why can’t you speak English FULLY?

  • Anonymous October 1, 2011, 10:30 PM

    Well well well, I see someone has gone and kidnapped Bastard Boy Floyd. For shame…

  • Sk October 1, 2011, 10:31 PM

    Well well well, I see someone has gone and kidnapped Bastard Boy Floyd. For shame…

  • Saad March 3, 2019, 9:50 PM

    Today, i had to turn out a girl. It was hard in the begining, but after getting her picture, i tokf myself “why girls easily turn out man??” Why can’t we do the same. So i said: you look to be a nice and educated girls, but attraction is very important though. So, I wish you find someone bettee than me and who coikd make you happy.
    She was really happy with me being honest and the way i represent it. So, guys, don’t be afraid to tell the truth, but be polite and don’t hurt others feelings.

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