As the title states about 50% of the dates I have gone on are forced, no I have not been date raped – although they should definitely come up with a similar term for “forced shidduch dates”. This issue is not plaguing me alone, for I meet people all the time who tell me they have a date, but they are just going on the date to please someone.
I’ll get off the phone with someone I just don’t feel is for me, yet the person who tried to set us up will go on a tirade which basically comes down to the age old shadchun marketing line of “but she could be your bashert” which comes flying out of her mouth making you feel really guilty. This of course is usually done by people who have never met me.
Then you have those who go out on dates to shut people up. These people just have to keep the cycle of forced shidduch dates up so that they can please their parents, rabbis and keep the shadchun from forgetting to send potential girls their way. I find it horrible that people should lead others on just to keep up with the status quo.
I know that some of you may give me that line that goes something like “you never know until you date the girl” or “how can you judge someone before you meet them?” and my response is that I can tell and I am almost always right. The forced dates always turn out the same way, they are always cool personalities – but not for me for multiple reasons.
Other shidduch posts:
Insane Shadchun Questions
What was the shadchun thinking?
The truth about shadchuns
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
im not sure wether this is funny or not… bec im sure pple really have been raped or touched inapproiately on a shidduch. rape and feeling forced or ibligated to go on a date are three sep things,i think that was a bit of a harsh term .
I thought so also, but I laughed so hard when I thought of the title that I started wondering if my sense of humor is just so demented or maybe someone else would get my quip – I am sure someone will make me change the title with a good mussar email of how they were raped etc… I myself have gone out with at least 3 different girls that were raped – so I know a bit about it.
Hesh,
You’ve gone out with 3 girls that have been raped??? Are you living in Darfur??? I never would have imagined Brooklyn being that bad…
Phil more girls then you think have been raped – any forced physical contact is technically rape and plenty of girls don’t want to go past second base.
Phil,
Heshy is right. I know quite a few girls, at least 3, who were “raped” or as Heshy describes it forced to do things sexually that they didn’t want to. One if I recall was actually on a shidduch date.
That girl went off the derech for a few years. There are some real sicko guys out there. Some who pose as frummies.
you could have come up with a funny article for a funny name. this is not funny!
i always read your stuff expecting a laugh, this was a let down!
I think the title is funny, but ONLY IN THIS CONTEXT.
Oy vey, I hated those kinds of dates. With a passion! And the worst thing of all is that I am a Nice Guy (TM)* and, even knowing that there would never be a second date, I would always take the girl on a “real” date (including spending the usual for dinner and whatever, etc).
* Heshy, I remember long discussions on various message boards way back in the 80′s about Nice Guys (TM). You should research it and write a post about it someday. Lots of good material you can come up with about Nice Guys and the Nice Guy syndrome.
I dunno, I thought the title was funny, not because daterape is funny, by no means is it funny but because it just seems to have no place following shidduch.
“any forced physical contact is technically rape”
No. Any forced physical contact is technically molestation or abuse, but not rape. Rape means penetration into the body, and it’s not funny. So I suggest you choose a different term for “being forced to meet someone you do not want to meet”.
..for exemple “date coercion”
I have never been on a shidduch date so I am not a candidate for the survey. Met my wife at a sit-down on a NY sidewalk Tisha B’Av fast-in for Soviet Jewry demo in 1967 in Manhattan. That’s it.
Is it true???
Idiot.
While I do think that the title is in poor taste I understand why you used it. Having never gone through a shidduch I can only imagine the pressures. As a convert (observant thank you very much!) I’ll let you know that in the secular world there are the same pressures from parents, friends, siblings, grandparents, parents friends/friends parents (which are the worst because you have to be polite about it) and the world in general. At least the frum world recognizes it for the set up it is and feels no reason to hide motive. I love your site and please know that this convert is learning a lot. Thanks!
Hesh,
You’ve been too much watching Oprah , touching anyone that doesn’t want to be touched is far from rape, otherwise we’d all be in jail.
Butt pinching or copping a feel isn’t appropriate for a shidduch date, but that doesn’t mean that anyone that it’s happened to is a rape victim.
DATE RAPE??? YOU FRIGGIN LUNATIC.
do you walk outside in public? Let me know where and when. I know some gay hispanics that would love to show you the real meaning of rape.
“Sexual assault” is any unwanted physical contact. “Rape” in some states is not just the obvious, but any unwanted penetration.
But yes in spite of being a humorless feminist I find the title hilarious.
I found the title amusing.
RE: CAN ANYONE FIND THIS GUY A JOB???
I have a job, its called professional blogger and comedian. I have 8 shows for the month of March, why don’t you come and heckle me at some of them – I could use the extra cash.
I’m going to have to agree with everyone who thinks the title is in poor taste. Rape refers specifically to intercourse. Unwanted sexual contact in general is sexual assault.
Dani,
That’s a scary thought. My daughter’s only 11, going to have to sign here up for Kung Fu to have her ready in time for the shidduch years.
My favorite forced date story was when I was approached by this horrible guy in Yerushalayim who asked for my number. When I said no, my best friend gave it to him behind my back.
Why not say no?
Phil, studying a martial art is beneficial to children of all genders. Kudos to you for wanting her to learn how to defend herself in case of attack.
Last time I was at the Kotel some guy struck up a conversation with me. When he asked me if I had met my Beshert yet I told him I happen to be dating a non Jewish person at the time, He yelled at me, and told me that having children with a non-Jew was like having cats. Its practice for a “Real Family”… then he told me he had the actual perfect girl for me.
Oh boy…
Those who are giving frum satire a hard time about this title obviously should realize his whole emphasis on satire, humor, and juxtaposition of what is normally coined as politically correct.
Do you people read this blog to just pick a fight or find just cause to judge him for manipulating a term so easily misinterpreted on a daily basis.
I don’t think he wrote that to spark a debate over what or what is not rape–
relax people, laugh it off, and get that stick out of your ass.
proud to be a canadian: to borrow a song lyric… “Now *you* funny too.” Thanks for saying what I was thinking.
benji: Cats? Did he really say that??? “oh boy” is right.
Hesh: Love you, your post and your title. The whole thing sounds like a horror show to me.
I agree with those who think rape a strong term to use to this title. You had me thinking that you were violated by a shadchun into dating. Or how about pinned downed to the ground by 2 shadchanim while the third on went on top of you for refusing to go out with a girl they had in mind for you?
You know who – that comment is great and maybe I can make a movie about it
BULLSHIT & MORE BULLSHIT,How about the girls that want it & if you dont comply then you are called gay ,wiered or whatever.A girlm that gives into a guy on a date is a LOOOOOSER beyond epic porportions.
Okay, I know I’m a little late on this one, but…
“Gives in?” Excuse me? Rg, are you implying what I think you’re implying? If so, you really need to learn the definition of rape.
Canadian, do you realize the sad irony of your last statement?
Hesh, I understand why you chose the title, but I think sometimes humor has to take a backseat to propriety. I’ve witnessed a rape, and I know that it is not a humorous subject, to say the least. Rape is physically and emotionally traumatizing and has no place on a satire website.
is this okay for humor and females: http://myrightword.blogspot.com/2009/03/burkha-babes-comeback-via-milan.html ?
Hesh, I understand why you chose the title, but I think sometimes humor has to take a backseat to propriety. I’ve witnessed a rape, and I know that it is not a humorous subject, to say the least. Rape is physically and emotionally traumatizing and has no place on a satire website.
So I suppose you would feel the same towards the hugely common usage of “rape the environment”. That one is used so often, and it’s used everywhere (media, movies, government documents, educational materials, etc) rather than just used on a very narrowly distributed blog.
Mark, you are talking about two totally different uses of the word, I mean one is environment, the other is a date.
Whoeever is a male, and defending using the word “rape” in a humorous context needs to be more respectful of women.
Mark, you are talking about two totally different uses of the word, I mean one is environment, the other is a date.
Whoeever is a male, and defending using the word “rape” in a humorous context needs to be more respectful of women.
Wow, some people here can’t find humor in anything and take every word so seriously, its so pathetic. How boring it would be to live with those people who you would try to crack one to and they would just look at you as if they are retarded and it didn’t sink in:)
Leave him alone and stop knit picking. Would you watch Saturday Night Live and call up the producers afterwards making nasty comments or throw tomatoes at Jim Carrey?
I can’t stand these crazy people who find it difficult to get humor. No, you are not more mature than others, you are just squares.
Heshy, keep the good sense of humor rolling, don’t let these nerds stop you. They have been to earth too long and it seems their space ships aren’t coming back to take them home
I can think of two couples I know personally off the top of my head who got married only because they went out when they didn’t want to.