When gas prices hit $4 a gallon I figured it was a real crisis. People could see and feel the crisis at the pumps and on their heating bills. But still rush hour raged on and I didn’t hop on the FDR drive one day to an empty highway devoid of all life besides for a bunch of liberal yuppies in their hybrid vehicles.
In fact I really haven’t noticed any difference from the days of yore when gas was $1.25 a gallon. I have noticed that the popular cars have gotten bigger and bigger and that people refuse to give u their SUV’s, rush hour is still a problem and the traffic never seems to be light no matter how much we hear about global warming and energy crisis.
I kind of feel the same way about the shidduch crisis. We have been talking about it for the last few years or so, but I never really see it. I would expect to walk into shul and half of the people don’t have talesim on and a bunch of single girls waiting behind the mechitza for their yeshiva bochur in shining armor. But this doesn’t happen.
Fact is I don’t notice any difference between now and before this so called shidduch crisis which receives so much attention from Charedi media outlets like Mishpacho Magazine and the Jewish Press. Unless I go to a “singles scene” I never really see singles.
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{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
I never heard of the shidduch crisis until I read a Jewish newspaper last year. I guess when your community doesn’t depend on shidduchim, there can’t be a crisis.
The Shidduch “crisis” is something the shadchans made up so they can save the best men for the ugly girls from a “good family” and push the worst men on the pretty girls who lack yichus.
Michal I kind of agree
Shidduch crisis was invented by bored yentas, shadchans and frum magazine writers who need a topic to write about.
The twisted math figures they came up with attest to the fact that most of these people never learned simple arithmetic.
If there were really a crisis, rabbis would have brought back multiple wives and other old minhagim such as the tu bav dancing girls.
My guess is that people nowadays are simply too darned picky. Background checks, private investigators, and in laws that expect each other to spend their life savings on weddings and gifts.
Just easier to blame a fictional crisis instead of looking at the real picture.
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Too picky? What EVER could you mean?
Stack or scrape?
The “shidduch crisis” — namely people getting married much later than they would want and later than previous generations — is real. It’s found not just among Orthodox Jews, but also evangelical Christians and Muslims and South and East Asians and other traditional cultures.
Yes, it’s real. I have no yichus and I’m not marrying a 65 year old Bukharian who barely speaks English.
By too picky, I mean the parents of two potentially compatible people who won’t even agree to let them meet until they are done digging up all the crap they can find about each other, verifying the family finances, and going back 6 generations to make sure everyone is purer than pure.
If by some miracle the kids do end up on a date and don’t like each other, it’s back to square one.
Had my parents or my wife’s parents ever “inquired” about each other’s family, we never would have even met. Lucky for us, we skipped the shadchan part and have been happily married for over 14 years, after dating for 4 years.
I say scrap the shadchans, scrap the formalities, and stop worrying about all the “what ifs”. Let people interested in marriage meet and decide for themselves without any external pressure.
Hesh man -what on earth are you talking about-If you don’t want to call the shidduchim buissness a crisis then don’t it is still a problem.
I am personally living it.
I have friends that have never dated a boy because they are not rich enough, yichusdick enough, you fill in the balank___________ enough.I am so sick of the shidduchim in my community.However nobody is doing anything to change the stupid system.I am so fed up with the yeshivish world’s crazy dating system that i feel like running away.I am so sick and tired of being number 1,002 on some stupid boy from BMG’s list.It makes no sense.I am not bragging I go to non Jewish stores and Non Jewish guys come up and try to ask me out and I ignore them.When i am at weddings boys see me and they think that I am pretty so why can’t we meet.Have a thousand Rabbanim watch everybody to make sure that nothing goes on.I am considered a top girl from a top family so what on earth is going on.Chazal wasn’t kidding when they said it’s like crossing Kriyas Yam Suf.I am not saying that ther is a shidduch crisis because 18 year olds aren’t married.There is a crisis because people can’t get dates with normal people unless your father is a millionare,Rosh Yeshiva, and you have a trust Fund.I am so happy that you have a blog hesh where I can vent out my fustration.
I don’t want to hear the same old bogus story of how”My husband doesn’t know anyone..” “Or we are not the type to help with shidduchim”
Guess what I am not married and I have made shidduchim!
To all the Shadchanim out there: To the few good one’s I thank you from the bottom of my heart and please don’t pay any attention to the bottom:
To the rest of the Shadchanim:
1. I am not a piece of meat or cattle that is being sold at the market even if you percieve it to be so!
2.For once in your life you can pick up your phone-it’s easier to get through to OBama than it is to you.
3.Get your priorities straightened out- and if you have crazy parents who are making crazy demands then just tell them that you won’t be helping them or any of their other children with shidduchim in the future-the crazy parents will wake up especially if they have a daughter coming up in the parsha!
We need to do something to change our system-
The few who do nobody listens to!
And the people who have the power to make and influenece change don’t do anything because why should they their precious children are married for after all they are the fill in _________ of __________.
We all need to brainstorm how to change our current shidduch system because guess what -it ain’t working!
May Hashem help all those that are searching for their basherts to find them Bikarov!
That’s why only the creme de la creme marry young and the rest are relagated to become a “crisis.” If Judaism is all about marriage then let it be all about marriage.
In my age bracket, it’s different. Everyone’s a nebuch case. However, me, they keep giving my religious self these not-so-relgious guys.
“If there were really a crisis, rabbis would have brought back multiple wives and other old minhagim such as the tu bav dancing girls”
Thats just part of the problem they haven’t!
At weddings in between the chuppa and the meal, while everyone is waiting for the chosson and kallah to come in that would be the perfect time for people to meet even if it has to be chaperoned!
The point of background research is to protect the girl (and sometimes the boy) from falling for an inappropriate guy. By the time they meet, they know that they share the same values.
The job of a Shadchan is to allow either party to call it off without having to do it in person. Again, trying to prevent the young people from forming relationships based entirely on emotion.
A good Shadchan is also a good mediator once the wedding planing starts.
People misuse this system (like they do every other good thing in Judaism) and we have a “crisis”.
This comment was in response to Phil.
I’m telling you, there’s no crisis, they just want pretty girls with no yichus to settle for nebachs and they want good men to settle for UGGLY women with yichus.
Read these comments from the men, all the shadchans ever tell them, “great girl-great family.” The shadchans don’t say she’s a great girl, I don’t know anything about her family. Plus, the guys always say that the shadchans never even know a thing about the girl, despite the fact that she’s great.
Guys care about looks, not her family. Once in a Pizza place I heard some guys say they wanted a girl with NO family so they wouldn’t have in-laws.
BTW, I have no family, so if any guys want no in-laws… I’m right here.
i think it is so funny to hear about the “shidduch crisis” i mean obviosly it is a problem but in my school, there are alot of mexican girls who come specifically becouse they dont want to get married!
one of my good friends is going crazy becouse as soon as she goes home for pesach, she is going to meet the guy her parents have found for her.
now for mexican standards, she is getting old. she just turned 17. her husband to be is actually pretty young, he is 19.
but generaly the girls are around 16 and the guys are around 25. there is a shadchan involved,but it is not like the couple has a say in the matter. (unless they really dont like eachother during the short time that they meet!)
so, back to my friend, she has not met her chassan yet but she has seen pictures. apparently the shadchan sent pics to each of the families but they are not alowed to contact eachother till they meet at pesach. the date for the wedding is set in august.
I’m willing to date guys 20 years older than me, but even they don’t want divorcees!!!
Divorcees are seen as damaged goods! We make the best wives. “You mean you’re not going to beat me tonight? Wow! You’re the best. You made my day!”
HannaH, I totally agree with you!! I can’t believe that our classmate from last year whose only 16!!! is getting married!! It’s crazy. Its really hard to imagine that. The sidduch is a good one though, even though I miss her, and she’s really young too.
Imagine that…its soo hard to imagine a girl who went to school with you…married already?!
Yes it happened in the olden days..but still…now?! Its just not easy to see that.
Plus half of the Mexican’s moms in our school are closer in age to their eldest daughter then the eldest is to the youngest child. Yah! Crazy right?!?!
wow, i agree with the first part. how is jess engaged? married!
but that last part didnt make no sense!
but its true. think of it this way.
Mother is 17 or 18 when she has her first kid right…so the mother and the oldest child are closer in age then the oldest child to the youngest child….does that make sense?!
not necesarilly. they just get married young and have a like five or seven kids really spread out. judy is 17, her oldest sis is like, 30 and i think there are like five or so in btwn. right? three sisters and two brothers?
well, it is something like that. not all of them have so many kids.
I know, but the Ruth’s mom looks sooo young! and Judy yah, her sis is 30 yah I know. She’s the youngest I think.
I still can’t imagine Judy and Jess getting married ahh!!
it would be cool to go to their weddings though. i always wanted to go to mexico. and learn spanish.
Yah! Going to Mexico would be fun…And their wedding!! Oh wow I wish…I wonder if it would be the same as here?!
I never read the comments. In fact, all this time I really never read past the end of the blog until last week I heard about a strange girl on a soapbox who kept sliding off because she couldn’t even keep up with her own nonsense…Michal bas Avraham. So on a whim I read through the comments and there she is!
I assume, Michal, you are the “pretty one with no yichus being set up with nebachs”.
The real crisis here is as people try to live lives in secular and religous realms, values are muddled, marriages are delayed for education, working is a necessity for many…so the ideal yeshivish match will only include families of like minded (yichus) and who can support their children. the rest of us need to find a way to take tradition, keep tradition, and still survive in the secular world today. Especially in these times.
So what are we going to get picky about? I would prefer an educated wife who could support the family if I were layed off. Sure, I would love a traditional household, but a backup plan is not bad.
I will leave the pickiness( paper or china and other such nonsense) to those who can afford and value such discussions.
The shidduch crisis is the system needs to adapt or move on.
I have to agree with Andy that this is part of it… even though he was mean to me.
I think you’re referring to the comments after the immature wannabe gyoress whined and cried that the Orthodox rabbis told her to finish college (and have her own kitchen, I’m sure) before they would give her a conversion. I agreed and everyone with an Asian fetish jumped on me assuming it had to do with her being Asian rather than her attitude in the original blog post…
So, if that’s a soapbox, so be it.
As for this topic, yes, the women are mad at me in the shul I left because I wouldn’t take their ugly Bukharian with a squeaky voice, broken English and grandchildren back home. They said I should be grateful because a man wants me and not one single solitary man wants them. Sorry, I’d rather stay single.
Andy, I see that you’re up to speed on my status in relation to the crisis.
Andy you come here only to read the comments – are there others that do the same? Shall I jusr create a forum or what?
Hey, if it gets you the hits on the site… do the advertisers care?
Andy what’s the point in attacking Michal?
your comments sections basically do what a forum would. I don’t think anyone is afraid to temporarily reroute the general comments train, if they have a question. (but if you want a forum, make a forum. it’ll be fun.)
I dont know much about the super yeshivish world in dating. But what pisses me off is when I am setup with a new york girl or a girl whose family is of that stature, the questions they are ask are not only abnoxious and irrelevant but offensive. They pratically completely and utterly overlook who I am, and how happy I will make the girl, and they start asking about what shul my parents daven at…..i feel bad for real BTs who don’t have a great answer for that. It’s just ridiculous. No wonder why there are quite a bunch of miserable marriages.
it happens to be, I have not clicked with a girl with parents like that, I am not surprised. ehh
Last night I was telling my dear teenage daughter how my husband and I met in NCSY .. not so odd .. then I told her about how a rebbetzin/teacher in her school was deeply involved in NCSY and started dating her future husband, one of the NCSY administration, while she was still in HS.. that was more surprising to her. I guess I’ve done everything except mention names, and there was some other bad stuff going on back then. Those times were freewheeling.
The only “crisis” is in the “yeshivish” world. All the boys are in the “bais medrash” learning and waiting until they are 23 till they get married to 18 year old virgins straight out of seminary. What do the Rabbis expect when there is always going to be 5 years of girls out there that are “unwanted”. Also, parents should learn to stay out of their child’s “love” life until the engagement. I know more relationships that were tanked by parents getting involved and thinking and complaining of the stupidest things while the child just sits and does and lets the parents say and do anything. Children should learn to think on their own and this “crisis” would soon be only ion the minds of yentas and rabbis (non -existent).
I’m all for a forum. But whatever you do, don’t get crappy free if or ipbfree forums. They are way too easy to brute.
16 year old marrying a 25 year old? Ahem…
Statutory Rape, anyone?
Michal,
Are you sure you have no family, because Kibud Av VeEm still applies to your birth parents.
Statutory rape laws might be different in Mexico. Besides, is it any worse than an 18 year old marrying a 40 year old?
Just stay way from it if it’s against the law, one of my friends got 8 years for doing just that. Very sad indeed.
‘Crisis’ just has a nice ring to it when accompanied by the word ‘Shidduch’.
The shidduch crises gets way too much press. But I think its more a case of expectations not matching reality than anything else. I know someone who at 23 had been in bais medrish for four years, came home from Israel and fully expected to marry the first girl he was set up with. He ended up dating fourteen before he found his wife. Meanwhile, he was very unhappy becuase his expectations had not been met. Was this a crises? Granted, 14 is not an especially high number, but at what point does someone join the crises? At 50 dates? 100? Or when they decide they’re unhappy with not being married?
I’m not trying to make light of the pain some singles go through. I went through hell while I was dating. But I realize now that had a lot more to do with my preconceptions of when and who I should marry than with reality.
the crisis is that we raised a bunch of socialy inept ppl. the old days ppl got married just fine, because men and women (boys and girls) not only were allowed to talk to eachother and interact, but they knew how.
ppl dont need shadchans, they need to grow a pair and just do it the old fashion way, ask someone out. (and just for the record, im not some 60 year old who doesnt uderstand todays youth. I’m 29, went to yeshiva, and am happily married (going on 4 years) to a 25 year old woman who asked me out 5 years ago…who was educated at beis yaakov…)
Those who have true emunah would never call this a “crisis” since your faith in G-d will ultimately lead everyone to their bashert in the right time. Those who do not get married, or married late is not because of any crisis, rather it’s because of G-d’s will and there’s nothing you can do but your own hishtadlus.
My birth parent is deceased, Yochanan.
I agree with Yeshiva Dude
That’s what I said before I was on the market…
#36 how is that rape if ;
1) they are married
2)it is consentual
3) in mexico you can get away with just about any thing any way.
although, come to think of it, mexico has a pretty high divorce rate……
Joy – I am so fed up with the yeshivish world’s crazy dating system that i feel like running away.
That’s exactly what you need to do – run away. It’s a crazy and a bad system. Very bad! Instead of relying on those kinds of shadchanim, I would suggest that you instead look for a nice close to yehivish modern orthodox young man. Someone who will work, will provide for a family, and will learn in his spare time. Not everyone needs someone who learns full time until he is forced to work somewhat.
Don’t wait until it is too late and the only choice is to completely turn your back on your family and their way of life.
Two things:
-I am thankful that I have yet to deal with the shidduch system, it looks like a bloody mess..
-Michal!! Geez, you get all mad about being put down, and you go and drag the thing out.. Not everyone who called you out for your attitude has an “Asian Fetish”. If this is how you behave in public, or around a shadchan, it’s no wonder you’re single!
(Sort of) In response to Mark’s comment-
It is unfair that in so many ultra orthodox families are forced to live under unfair conditions when the father doesn’t really have a job and spends the whole day learning. It is not right for people to bring children into the world that will not be supported properly. Not only is it unfair to the children, who will not have the best living conditions, and the mother, who will have such a tough time raising these children, it is unfair to the government because these people get so much welfare because they have so many kids and such little money. When two people get married, at least one of them has the responsibility of bringing in revenue to support the family. It is irresponsible to start a family knowing that one will not be able to properly provide for the members of the family. This is the real crisis.
Anon,
Their mix on so called crisis with another so called crisis. A crisis is defind as on of the following:
a. A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.
b. An unstable condition, as in political, social, or economic affairs, involving an impending abrupt or decisive change.
2. A sudden change in the course of a disease or fever, toward either improvement or deterioration.
3. An emotionally stressful event or traumatic change in a person’s life.
4. A point in a story or drama when a conflict reaches its highest tension and must be resolved.
Neither the shidduch crisis nor the learning father crisis qualifies, as both have been stable conditions for centuries, namely people learning all day and people haveing a hard time finding spouses.
The only real crisises in the Jewish world today (in my opinion), are the extremely high rate of assimilation/intermarriage and the shyrocketing cost of Jewish education in when compared to secular education.
Both are phenomenons that occured over the past 40-50 years, and continue to grow at unreal speed. None are funny either, so the post probably belongs on yeshiva world.
Phil, I agree that many people use the work crisis way too often (and like the boy who cried wolf, it has lost its effectiveness, or meaning, in this case).
I also agree that the crisis is intermarriage and high expenses associated with remaining Jewish. However, if you use the word “cost” in the traditional way, I am not so sure if the comparison is really true. Didn’t I read somewhere that New York spends an average of $14,800 or so per student for education annually? That compares pretty closely with day school costs. Now if you are talking about the portion of that cost paid for by the parents, then yes, there is a huge difference!
Yes, I was referring to the cost the parents need to lay out. Remember that the parents that spend $12,000 per child a year on Jewish day school, also pay into the public school system without relief (at least here in Canada). Once your kids have to go to yeshiva, the costs are even higher.
Funny enough, yeshivas originally were started from communal funds to educate orphans that couldn’t learn with their parents. They then allowed people whose parents coudln’t teach them due to work reasons or lack of knowledge, they then became the norm. Today’s prices are a result of mismanaged funds and simple gouging.
Mark my words, with current economic situation, many of these institutions and the people than send their kids there are on the brink of disaster.
How is a guy with 5 kids that lost his job supposed to come up with $60,000 – $80,000 every year for tuition? How is a school expected to pay theachers enough to be able to put their own kids through school? It’s a vicious cycle that keeps getting worse.
Oh, I know all about it! My wife and I have 5 children (ages 3 to 9). Our 7 year old and 9 year old are at one of the local day schools (US$14,000+ each), and the 5 year old and both 3 year olds are at a much cheaper preschool. Next year we will have 3 in the day school and that will be close to breaking us. And we pay full tuition, I simply can’t be a schnorrer. If I lose my job (which is a distinct possibility), then all bets are off. My wife even toured the local public school a few weeks ago just to check it out in case we need it next year. I also looked into a new Talmud Torah that is starting, and it is a complete joke.
Mark,
I can’t complain, I’m getting quite a deal. 5 kids in private Jewish school betwen the ages of 3 and 13, total is about $11,000 cdn. I couldn’t begin to imagine paying what you guys do, especially when times are tough. Kol hakavod for sticking with the game plan and getting your kids a Jewish education.
Phil, is that in Toronto? I wonder what I need to do to get Canadian citizenship and move there?
My wife has some Canadian cousins, maybe I can ask them.
To me, the question is whether we can call the shidduch crisis a crisis when it is entirely of our own making. I have a slightly different perspective because I am a divorcee and a bit older, but I think that the fundamental problem is that people are not realistic in what they are looking for. I hear from others that the same is true for young people, and maybe there it is the families that are the problem, with all the background checks and questions about tablecloths. I know that as an older single, I am sometimes tempted to give up on dating entirely, because it seems that every man I meet is 50-55 years old, overweight, balding and not well off financially — and he is still holding out for a 30-year-old size 4 who will bear him 12 children. Don’t misunderstand me — I don’t mind if a man is balding or a bit overweight or if he has a lot of money, although I do draw the line at good personal hygeine and grooming and some kind of stable income. But these guys have no idea what they are “worth” on the shidduch market, and then they can’t understand why they are still single. I am in my early 40′s, not a model but not ugly, intelligent and financially stable. I would be THRILLED to meet my male counterpart, but he wants a 25-year-0ld. I would also be fine with a slightly older, less educated, less financially stable guy, if he would genuinely want someone like me, but they don’t. In the last year, two men have told me that they really like me, and if they’re still single at x age then they’ll be back in touch, but right now they’re looking for younger women. I don’t want to be anybody’s fallback position once they’ve given up on their fantasy of marrying someone who is 2o years younger. So what’s the problem? Is it that secular values have made us value youth and looks above all else? Is it that we’ve bought into the culture of “self-esteem” to the point that we no longer have a realistic picture of our strengths and weaknesses? Or is it just that men don’t have biological clocks? Any thoughts out there?
Jason,
What do you mean, if this is how I behave in public? Are you serious? There is nothing wrong with how I “behave.” As for my being single, for goodness sake, I haven’t even been on the market for 6 months. However, settle, I will not.
Karen,
You are right on the nose.
This girl told me, “well they want someone child-bearing age.” and I said, “well, they need to worry about that when they themselves are still childbearing age.”
Mark,
Montreal. I’m paying prety cheap, as I’m in the Chabad area, other areas such as yeshivish or M.O are more expensive.
Israel, is even cheaper from what I hear, you can send kids to hareidi public school there.
Mark – I am looking for a boy who will learn seriously for 5-7 years and then go to work.I am not looking for a forever learner and even to find that is like pulling teeth!
law-I’m 29, went to yeshiva, and am happily married (going on 4 years) to a 25 year old woman who asked me out 5 years ago…who was educated at beis yaakov
law- i wish I could do that but boys in my community would think I am a bumb.I highly doubt any yeshivish person especially a boy would go for that kind of thing(although I wish they would).They are just to busy with the thousandsof girls that are on their lists.
What do you mean, if this is how I behave in public? Are you serious? There is nothing wrong with how I “behave.”
Ha.
As for my being single, for goodness sake, I haven’t even been on the market for 6 months. However, settle, I will not.
Well, you’ve ruled out all Sefardim according to your other post. Have you also ruled out anyone that davens nusach Sefard? What about nusach Ari?
i thought about it, and my question #3 is not so relevant. but no one answered the other two either!!!
So, I’m picky. I’ve already said I would rather stay single than settle. There aren’t exactly a whole lot of quality men out there.
I know so many divorced women who say their husbands didn’t talk to them, didn’t pay bills, and didn’t take care of their kids. If that’s how men are, why bother getting married. At least in the olden days men worked and paid the bills. They don’t even do that anymore.
7) response
I would agree with that to some extent but what of those who want to get married and devote large amounts of time to the search?
I do draw when I occasionally hear things like… o your family is from North Africa? Do you really want to keep your customs or be married? You learned where? Cant you just talk to her with a different accent? Don’t keep dressing like that (in blazers and suits that arnt black {which incidentally would be much more appropriate to show up to a meeting with former president Bush then some cheap $180 suit}) don’t you want to get married?
9) response
I remember eating over at a nameless home lost in the innumerable GPS coordinates for a while. I was there early and the balah habyit started showing pictures of her family and she took the time to recite the credentials of all the husbands that she married her daughters off to (smile nod try not to think she has lost it). During the meals we talk… even men and women (this must have been before the CRI) and I find myself one time engrossed with a conversation (after bercat hamazon but before the rest finished) with her last unmarried daughter to such an extent the rest of the family packed and decided to retire learn or whatever somewhere near by. It was clear we had mutual interests in just about everything and we were laughing and such… when I had to leave the balah habyit escorted me to the door (again before CRI probably) and the look she gave me was “how dare you form a friendship with my daughter.” For some reason I never received an invite back.
10) response
1. Cattle does not get bounties placed on their heads
53) response
Well to be fair states state that the marginal cost of adding a kid to the schools is 7.5k and its only ½ the time of yeshivot. Why not just have each grade or whatever in the social halls of the various bet kanesetot? Bingo no building upkeep! Use some grade A secular distance learning program as a base line like Calvert and hire teachers to administer the lessons and have the rav of the synagogue rotate with the kids on different grade levels. Chumash Talmud English Science etc so all that is needed is one teacher for each subject. Think how low the costs could be
Someone told me to start saving now for tuition (before I am even married!). If those who do not work and receive a stipend and turn out 12 kids receive a break in tuition I feel that us working stiffs should too… why not just purchase a large house with a mortgage payment up the wayzu and claim inability to pay when it comes time?
Location response unknown… at this rate I would just keep finding new things to add (look above all additions when looking for this ones number)
Who banned men and women from talking and meeting on their own? Ask the CRI I thought there was after Kepor and another (it slips my mind now) the guys and gals would dress in white (but no black) and mingle for the purpose of finding someone to marry.
The crisis in in our attitudes. What do we (the “communal” we) value? Marriages or appearances? This should be the prime consideration: Is the person a mensch? In 50 years, can I see us enjoying a conversation together?
Someone has to talk to the kids about AFTER THE WEDDING. When the baby cries all night. When you can’t pay the bills. When one partner only wants X and the other only wants Y. How to handle anger, disappointment, stress. How to settle hashkofic differences. How much will you let your partner into your (singular) life and make it your (plural) life?
You gotta learn this in shidduch dating: How will you relate? Is he kind? Is she ostentatious? Does she like baseball as much as you do and will she tolerate sports talk? Is she considerate? How do they act around friends? Do you LIKE the person? Can you find common ground and respect each other?
Because AFTER THE WEDDING, there is something called LIFE. And LIFE may have Serious Problems: In-law interference. When you’re married 5 years and still don’t have a baby. When a parent is seriously ill. When chas v’sholom a child dies. Not to mention mental illness, job losses, addiction, gambling, cruelty.
Despite what I’m hearing, I cannot believe that all the boys in yeshivos are being fed a sanitized version of married life, like those rabbi biographies where as a kid he never had a dirty nose and as an adult he never says the wrong thing. It’s not real. Women don’t only come in sizes 0, 2, and 4. They are not over the hill at 22. Not everyone can be a “top bochur” or “top girl.” There’s not enough room at the top.
You parents of dating-age children need to stop the madness. You need to refuse to go along with what “everyone else” is doing. Lots of us who live Out Of Town have good marriages, nice SILs and DILs and delicious grandchildren and have NOT subjected the children to the mill.
My heart cries for the 30-something women I know who want to get married but don’t have anyone to date. In NEW YORK yet!!! To me that’s like starving in a supermarket. This isn’t a crisis; it’s insanity.
PS-I’m divorced and looking for a 50ish man who wants to marry a woman who grew up with the same music as him. Talk about a crisis? Hesh, you could start a whole new blog just on us! These guys want kallah maidelach! And some of them are grandfathers!!!!!
Just Having Fun!
It’s so true. I’m so sick of gray-haired men hitting on me at kiddush tables and such.
It’s so true. I’m so sick of gray-haired men hitting on me at kiddush tables and such.
That will eventually stop.