Lubavitchers have a completely different set of rules when it comes to Jewish geography then the rest of the Jewish community does. This is simply because they are everywhere and everyone is related to someone, which makes Lubavitcher Jewish geography less fun in many ways.
For instance by saying which town or area of a city you are from, most Lubavitchers will know the local shliach, this is not as fun as finding out the person you are having shabbos lunch with was your third grade teachers grandson. Lubavitcher geography is almost too predictable.
Just because you know your local shliach doesn’t make you cool, then of course you will probably know their cousins from Morristown who come to visit every succos and those friends from yeshiva in Australia that show up for one weekend in the summer – but its not as random as us folks playing it.
Lubavitchers do have something different then us snags, they have relative geography. If you know one Lubavitcher, I can almost guarantee you will meet their relative at some point. Since everyone knows everyone and everyone is related its always interesting to see who is related to whom when you drop names. I have gotten to stay at many a chabad house due to the fact that my cousin Yisroel Fried a shliach on the upper west side, married into a large British chabad family who had a bunch of daughters that married shlichim elsewhere, since they have tons of relatives I drop that name and I am in. Simply dropping your local shliachs name doesn’t work unless you get them to call up and say some nice words. Don’t forget to give a donation.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Lubabs tend to remain a very inbred bunch, that’s what happens when everyone from a given shtetl are considered as having “yichus”.
Here is the way it works:
Anyone can become a Lubab.
Any Lubab can/should make new Lubabs.
Once BT becomes full Lubab, Lubabs can lose interest in his/her welfare.
Anyone can donate to Lubab.
Anyone can shnorr for Lubab institute as long as it’s done under the auspices of yichus.
Once Lubab BT has kids, they are considered Lubabs except for when it comes to marriage.
Only yichus can marry other yichus, BT’s and their descendants are kept out of the inner circle.
Only exception to yichus rule, is as you may have all guessed: MONEY, especially BIG MONEY, which can, as expected, by yichus from money hungry/greedy yichus Lubabs.
Now that everyone is married to their first or second cousins, it’s time for some l’Chaim’s and a yechi dance. Kind of reminds me of those old Looney toons making fun of the guys in Arkansas, home of the inbred square dancers.
BTW, great picture. Seems to be modern Lubab though, old school would be Smirnoff instead of Absolute.
What respectful lubab would be caught alive with absolut?
Phil: mean, if mostly true.
Pil it was taken from Apple 770 and yes I thought exactly the same thing.
Oh and I know about all this BT yichus stuff- if not I would have tried to get this one shliachs daughter I was digging for quite some time.
TRS,
Sad but true (another metallica tune) is more like it.
Hesh, for you it’s not lack of yichus, it’s lack of facial hair.
Hesh,
Your comment reminds me of the ACDC line, “lock up your daughter, lock up your wife, lock up your back door and run for your life”.
I’ve always though of TNT as their “chassidish” tune with all the oi oi ois.
Phil, you nailed it!
But sometimes it is advantageous that the BT’s aren’t allowed into the inner circle of yichus ties. A wise old man once told me, “Yichus?…..tuches!”
As far as Jewish geography is concerned, Lubavitch is definitely a very boring play-ground. And it’s better to pretend to have no connections if you’re from out of town and want a nice place to stay and good food. The missionary spirit is kindled and they’re ready to take you home and turn you on- to Tanya that is.
As a BT, I’ve faced some of the problems cited here. My son also wanted to avoid the children of BTs because he saw first-hand the challenges to frumkeit that my wife and I brought to the family. In addition, he avoided dating any yechi-niks. Boruch Hashem, he is engaged and will be getting married before Pesach in Crown Heights.
As far as the Jewish Geography, and being related to everyone, just look up some of the families in Baltimore (definitely a snag-town). There are a half-dozen families that are related to all the frum folk in Baltimore (or have those folk scheming to marry into their families). One can get a lot of things done here just by dropping the name of someone whom your child is related to by marriage.
Phil am I that bad that you need to lock up your daughter – this chabad girl was totally into me – just knew it would never be allowed due to her mad yichus
Excuse my ignorance but, what is a “snag”? Thanks
Boy, this post was (yet another) pointless.
snag is short for misnaged which means a non-chasid
A misnaged is a non-chossid? Not quite. He could also be sephardic or Yekke.
…a non-chossid could be, that is.
Ha Heshy, you have no fucking clue what you’re missing. You haven’t played Jewish geography until you’ve played Lubavitch geography. Lubavitch geography is Jewish geography 3D.
Lubavitch geography isn’t just about where you’re from and who the shliach is there. You have to keep track of who married who, who’s worth how much money, who is anti/neutral/mishichist, who can speak at who’s event, who’s in cahoots with who. Dude, 3500 Chabad Houses equals 3500 different local political situation that you have to be up on, court cases, kosher establishments, etc. Furthermore, your average Lubavitch bochur has spent time in a good number of cities, and knows all sorts of legendary locals. It’s about knowing everybody else but the obvious Shliach.
When you play Lubavitch geography, you don’t ask if you know Rabbi so-an-so the Shliach. You ask how Marvin, the self-appointed gun-totin shiksa married gabbai is doing, or curse out the local Gvir supporting the misnagdim that moved in on the other side of town.
You have to know the relative talents of individual shluchim. You have to know who is successful, who has a nice building, who’s a loser, who’s been out for 15 years and still can’t get a minyan, who’s in a fight with the head shliach, etc.
Lubavitch geography is so deep that meeting somebody at a wedding doesn’t suffice to mention them. You need to actually have spent a year drinking with them in South Africa if you want to play the game right.
You can imagine that with something like 6 different Lubavitch English-language newssites, there’s lots to talk about beyond “do you know so an so.”
Not to mention all the deep down and dirty stuff, like who is going out with who and which kids are freying out.
Nice comment Nemo!
Argh, darn Lubavitcher claim to be better than others even in haking chainik.
Also theing about Lubos is that even the BTs are related to other Chabad BTs – in South Africa, everybody is related even if they don’t have yichus. It’s like a genetic condition
This is an awesome, hilarious post. All so true. Lubies have a good heart but they’re all crazy… in a very fun and good way.