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Are these shidduch stories just urban legends?

I was hanging out with some of the local yeshiva guys tonight and they were talking about “famous” shidduch stories, the ones that many of us have heard and that are mentioned on blogs, in books like the art of the date and whenever someone wants to show that some people can be a little extreme. So I bring to you urban legends in the shidduch world – and I want you folks to tell me which ones are correct, some of these are just random halachos that people like to spew ever so often and some of them are stories that I have heard countless times.

I almost feel that dating stories are like Baal Shem Tov stories, if you believe them you are a fool and if you don’t believe them you are an apikores.

Urban legends of the shidduch world

These two people were on a date and they were stopped at a red light, the girl put the car in park and took out the keys. When the guy asked her what the hell she was doing, she answered that she was testing to see his temper and that he had passed. He told her thats great but she failed.

There was this BJJ girl on a date with a guy and halfway through the date she stopped talking. The guy just kept on going until he realized that she had stopped talking, kind of like anti-lock brakes take a while to kick in. He asked her what was up and she told him that halfway through the date she realized he wasn’t shayich for her and she felt that there was no heter for her to talk to a guy if it wasn’t going to work out.

I hear that there have been cases of really frum guys asking their dates not to put on seat belts due to the fact it clearly enhances the girls chest area, and that is clearly untznius.

This guy and girl were walking down the street, the girl stepped into oncoming traffic and her date saved her life by pulling her out of traffic. You guess what happened, she turned him down for a second date because he touched her (that was in the art of the date) but I have heard it from other people.

When really yeshivish people go to hotels for dates they take separate elevators. Sounds kind of awkward to me, especially in places like the midtown Marriott, I mean the elevators are glass so any assur moves will be broadcast to the entire times square.

Are these stories just flaming falsehoods spread by people who write into the Yated readers write? Or are they true? Do you know any other versions?

Do you have any other interesting shidduch urban legends?

Other funny shidduch posts:

Hilarious Shidduch resume

Shidduch date breakdown from a mans perspective

Ridiculous shidduch questions

Overheard at subsational – shidduch redd

{ 79 comments… add one }
  • Rentsy January 11, 2009, 3:00 AM

    I can’t imagine someone crazy enough to MIND the whole seatbelt thing.

  • Rentsy January 11, 2009, 3:01 AM

    … much less endanger his date’s life.

  • ipitythefoo January 11, 2009, 3:06 AM

    the story where the girl stepped into traffic and the date saved her DID actually happen.
    to ME.
    but i didn’t dump him – it would be hard for him to date me if I had been hit by oncoming cars so i figured he had a heter and dated him for a while.

  • Frum Satire January 11, 2009, 3:12 AM

    Did he ever touch you again?

  • Material Maidel January 11, 2009, 4:20 AM

    i’ve heard (and wrote) about the seatbelt one…

    ive heard mean ones where the guy is like “sorry, goodbye” as soon as the girl steps in the car.

  • Mordy Ovits January 11, 2009, 4:48 AM

    “This guy and girl were walking down the street, the girl stepped into oncoming traffic and her date saved her life by pulling her out of traffic. You guess what happened, she turned him down for a second date because he touched her (that was in the art of the date) but I have heard it from other people.”

    I know of a real, slightly different incident. It was after a major snowstorm, the sidewalk was icy, and the girl slipped and fell. Because of her heels she struggled to get up for a humiliatingly long time, and the guy didn’t offer her a hand. She was furious.

    In the end it worked out. For her, not for that jerk; she’s now happily married to my brother-in-law.

  • Yochanan January 11, 2009, 6:07 AM

    What’s BJJ? For all I know it could be “blow job judaism”.

  • coolyiddishemama January 11, 2009, 8:20 AM

    You forgot the one where the shidduch was NOT made because the girl’s mother did not use a white tablecloth at the Shabbat table. I realize it may have been heard hundreds of times but a lot of people claim to know about the person it happened to. The ultimate definition of an urban myth.

  • AC January 11, 2009, 8:43 AM

    There was the story of a friend of mine during the summer of 2005. This is smack dab in the middle of Disengagement, and all every Orthodox Jew in NY was talking about was Disengagement this, Disengagement that…

    So my friend is on a date with a really boring, dense girl. Trying to come up with stuff to say, he says, “So what do you think about the Disengagement?”

    The girl gets quite for a moment, deep in thought. “You know,” she starts, hesitantly, “I think it’s such a shame.” Pause. “Some people, they’re just not ready, they get engaged too quickly, so then they need to get disengaged…”

    “No no!” my friend exclaimed, trying to save her further embarrassment. “I meant THE Disengagement. In Israel.”

    Quiet even longer, the girl finally responded, “You know, I didn’t realize it was such a problem there too!”

  • A23 January 11, 2009, 9:40 AM

    I often the hear the story of a guy who went to pick up a girl for the first time, and upon seeing her, he decided it was not shayich. He asked, “Are you Chaya?” and when she said yes, he said “I’m a friend of the guy supposed to pick you up, he is very sick and asked me to let you know that he couldn’t make it.”

  • Moshe January 11, 2009, 9:50 AM

    Unfortunately for him, she already saw his profile on facebook and he was never seen again.
    And this, kids, is why you shouldn’t join facebook.

  • Special Ed January 11, 2009, 10:31 AM

    If you believe them you’re an idiot if you don’t is a line about midrashim, not Baal Shem Tov stories.

    Hate to break it to you Hesh, but Baal Shem Tov stories aren’t an integral part of Torah Shebal Peh

  • Phil January 11, 2009, 11:37 AM

    The seatbelt and “art of dating” reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where George’s dad taught them about “stopping short” when the woman didn’t have her seatbelt. Wonder if it ever happened on shidduch dates.

    What about the BJ test in “A Bronx tale”?

    Seriously speaking, these legends sound very farfetched. I never went through the shidduch dating system, are shidduch dates really that anal? (I’m not referring to shelo kedarko…)

  • Anon1 January 11, 2009, 12:24 PM

    To Special Ed —

    I doubt you should trash it that fast, they say AFAIK – that it’s from the great Rebbe Mendel of Kotzk (who was known for witty, powerful quotes) about the Baal Shem Tov.

    Just to clarify (Hesh didn’t have the exact quote):

    “If you belive that all the stories they attribute to the Besht, happened – you’re a fool. But if you say on any such story – that IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED – you’re an apikores”.

  • Frum Satire January 11, 2009, 12:27 PM

    Yochanan – BJJ is one of the frummest seminaries in Israel.

    Phil – there are these stories of this crew of upper west side girls that only do it shelo kedarko – but I doubt its on a shidduch date.

    Special Ed – do you mean to tell me that walking through the forest in Russia and meeting random people greasing their wagon wheels while wearing a talis and tefilin aren’t that important?

    Mordy- I bet that happens a lot, I remember walking down the street once with a buddy in the Catskills and this old lady had fallen down and was trying to get into a car – her husband was to old to help her and as me and my buddy were helping her all these frummies were staring at us like we were nuts.

  • Phil January 11, 2009, 12:48 PM


    Only Shelo Kedarko? Sounds more like a Greek or Italian shidduch than Jewish… You sure they’re women?

    Ever notice how many of the posts on this web site always end up on this topic? I guess I’m partially to blame.

  • ghottistyx January 11, 2009, 2:16 PM

    Here’s an old chestnut. The way I originally heard it, it took place in Miami Beach, but I guess it could be UWS or Teaneck just as easily.

    One time, a guy and a girl meet at a kiddush. The girl says, “I haven’t seen you around. Are you new?”

    The guy replies, “The reason you haven’t seen me is because I just got out of jail.”

    The girl asks, “what did you do?”

    The guy responds, “I killed my second wife.”

    The girl’s eyes light up and she asks, “So, are you still single?”

    Now this is probably a joke (it was told to me as a joke in the name of Reb Shlomo Carlebach, believe it or not). But I’d say this is the frum shidduch scene al regel achat.

  • Mark January 11, 2009, 9:30 PM

    Phil – there are these stories of this crew of upper west side girls that only do it shelo kedarko – but I doubt its on a shidduch date.

    I don’t know exactly what “shelo kedarko” is, but I can guess. I also happened to notice that if you rearrange the letters it spells “dark holes ok” (with an extra e).

  • Phil January 11, 2009, 9:43 PM


    Now that’s funny. Btw, you guessed right.

  • yisrael January 11, 2009, 10:32 PM

    The best 2 stories i know, involve one guy who lost his pants on a train, and another who had his pants stolen in a stall in a bathroom. They both are probably the most hilarious ones I have ever heard in my life. Oh and by the way Heshy, I remember you from Rochester days, I was only there for like 6 months so I dont know if you would remember me, but “hey whats up?”

  • Chris_B January 12, 2009, 2:16 AM

    This had me laughing: ” there are these stories of this crew of upper west side girls that only do it shelo kedarko”

    First of all I love learning new words, second of all this sort of odd rationalization of keeping virginity is a heck of a lot more common than some might think and is common to many different groups of people. For modesty’s sake I wont explain any more here.

  • Phil January 12, 2009, 9:25 AM


    And I thought these upper west siders were doing it as some kind of alternative lifestyle…

    Just kidding. Rashi mentions the unmarried girls in Aram Naharayim (Rebeccas birth place, modern day Iraq) doing anal to “preserve” themselves.

    PS. Shelo kedarko’s litteral translation is “not the regular way”.

  • Anonymous January 12, 2009, 10:52 AM

    um…she’lo k’darkah with a niddah is still chayav karet

  • Freed January 12, 2009, 11:20 AM

    My son told me a joke about two bt’s on a shidduch. The boy asked the girl her name, and she replied “Batyka” (not wanting to same Hashem’s name “ya” in vain). The girl asked the boy his name and he replied kelikaku.

  • Bsamim Smoker January 12, 2009, 4:10 PM

    I have a theory about all these frummies the go on dates and want to act all extreme. Basically after the date they want to fantasize about their partner. During that fantasy they want to visualize their date role playing a very religiously extreme person. Then seducing them to be more open minded

  • Anonymous January 12, 2009, 4:40 PM

    “Then seducing them to be more open minded”

    More like open-legged.

  • Former Teacher January 12, 2009, 10:30 PM

    This happened to me – unfortunately, not an urban legend.

    I am set up with a guy from a reputed shadchan.

    On the first date, he takes me out to eat, and we go for a walk, then sit down on a park bench.

    First date — and he tells me, “I’m not attracted to you.”

    • A> Nuran January 13, 2010, 6:33 AM

      Ouch. The same thing happens in the secular world. But usually they have a little more experience and handle it a bit less bluntly.

  • Rentsy January 12, 2009, 11:05 PM

    That’s not fair.

  • Chris_B January 13, 2009, 12:06 AM


    Thanks for the Rashi ref and the translation. Again, without going into detail, I can tell you its widely practiced amongst young women who need to preserve evidence of “virginity”. Also this goes to show that there’s nothing new under the sun.

  • Bsamim Smoker January 13, 2009, 6:56 AM

    I went on a date once, the girl wasn’t hot and she had no personality.Now that’s just not fair. If you don’t look good you bettter compensate with a sense of humor, a good take on a political or religious issue, maybe even a little wit wouldn’t hurt.If not, you better either be loaded and come from a chasavah family. As Jim Rome says “Have a take and don’t suck”.

  • batya January 13, 2009, 11:08 AM

    Bsamim smoker..no offense, but almost all guys I’ve been out with are not at all good looking and have absolutely no personality. At least most girls are somewhat attractive.
    Ive heard of really bad dates. I heard this guy took a girl to starbucks and he kept telling her she can get whatever she wants but she cant spend more then five dollars. After that she has to pay for herself.

  • Moshe January 13, 2009, 11:18 AM

    I guess he was preparing her for kollel life. 😉

  • Bsamim Smoker January 13, 2009, 3:52 PM

    I didn’t intend to be to be sexist. I applies to guys as well. While were on the subject of women here is a little jewish folk lore:

    A chariedi Baal Koreh was once hired by a Modern Orthodox shul to read the torah one shabbos. As you are well aware most MO shuls have feminist friendly policies about the level of involvment of women in tifillah .(Heck, HIR(I won’t say the real name )in Riverdale has a womens minyan, a 3 foot mehitza, and the controversial “Kallla Torah” on simchas torah) but I digress.One perticular woman severely brainwashed by feminist propaganda dicided to correct the Baal Korah every time he made a dikduk mistake as well as the regular requirments(halacha states to only correct a baal korah on a vowel or letter mistake)hence conveying an implied message “Huh, we women are just as good as you men, if not better”.

  • Bsamim Smoker January 13, 2009, 4:04 PM

    To be continued stay tuned

  • Bsamim Smoker January 13, 2009, 4:05 PM

    the same applies to girls

  • Mark January 13, 2009, 7:11 PM

    Batya – Bsamim smoker..no offense, but almost all guys I’ve been out with are not at all good looking and have absolutely no personality. At least most girls are somewhat attractive.

    So, you go out with mostly unattractive guys and with mostly attractive girls?

    Just kidding 🙂

    Besides guys don’t have to be attractive, they just have to make a living (or learn and have a rich family, or not, if you’re into that) and be able to inseminate you every so often to make some kids.

    Again, just kidding (because this is a funny blog 🙂

    I remember that I was rejected by plenty of girls back in my dating years, and some of them did it as crassly, or worse, than you’ve described. At the time, I wasn’t always very happy about it, but with time and maturity, I realized that early, and definite, rejection, is a gift more than a curse. Why? Because it helps you filter out those that are not appropriate for you a lot quicker than letting “the game” play through all the way. See, this guy made it clear right up front that he was a cheap jerk, so the girl can quickly decide – if she is attracted to a cheap jerk, she can date him again, but if cheap jerks turn her off, she can just decline right away. Same for Former Teachers example (at 10:30pm), the guy was an insensitive jerk right off the bat, and that girl now knows not to waste another second of thought or angst on him or his behavior.

  • worst date ever January 14, 2009, 10:32 AM

    he ordered us appetizers and then cancelled my entree order because he thought I would forget having eaten many ‘cheaper’ appetizers.

    At the end of the date he stole a wooden napkin ring right from the table

    needless to say, i ran away.

    this is NOT an urban legend

  • Bsamim Smoker January 14, 2009, 4:26 PM

    Once the HIR in riverdale(I will not state the real name of the shul)hired a Chariedi baal koreh to read the torah shabbos morning.This shul is notorios for its liberal policies regarding women and tefillah(i.e.a 4 foot mechitza,Women’s minyanim, and of course the highly controversial “Kallah Torah” given to the prized feminist on simchas torah)

  • Bsamim Smoker January 14, 2009, 4:51 PM

    Anyway, while the baal koreh was reading, got particularly miffed off as he heard high pitched voice from the right side of the curtain correcting him on every dikduk mistake he made(halacha mandates the baal koreh be corrected only for a mis-pronunciation in vowel or letter)also he noticed the particular brain-washed fiministic tone of voice she was using whilst correcting him(ahah-I-more-knowledgeable-than-a-hareidi-man-who-spent-20-yrs-in-yeshiva) so he finally dicided slence her once and for all. Whist reading the parshah of Aishet Potiphar( were Joseph gets seduced by Potiphar’s wife) he intentionally mis-read the phrase “Tishcav Eimi” as “Tishcav Eimo” as he predicted on que she pipped up on”Tishcav Eimi”.Suffice it to say she never corrected him again
    Now that’s what you call poetic justice.

  • s(b.) January 14, 2009, 6:51 PM

    That’s funny, bsmoker (don’t most NY-area folks know what the HIR is?)? BJJ – funny, Yochanan; I didn’t know what it was, either, but RJJ on Staten Island is frum, so I figured it was frumtastic of some sort.

  • veebee January 14, 2009, 7:37 PM

    What does Tishcav Eimo/eimi mean?

  • At Your Service January 14, 2009, 7:44 PM

    It means “Lay with me!” Or, more bluntly translated, “Fuck me!” It’s from the scene where she’s propositioning Joseph.

  • Former Teacher January 14, 2009, 9:35 PM

    Tishchav Eimo means – sleep with him. Tishchav Eimi means – sleep with me.
    Obviously, this is the literal interpretation. You can figure out the rest.

  • Shaygetz January 14, 2009, 9:36 PM

    Veebee – I’m sure the story isn’t true, but regardless, ’tishcav eimo’ means ‘sleep with him’ and ’tishcav eimi’ means ‘sleep with me’, so essentially the woman would have been calling out “Sleep with me!” to the Torah reader.

  • Former Teacher January 14, 2009, 9:38 PM

    Bsamim Smoker, you have a good attitude. I have a friend who told me that miscarriages are a blessing because it’s God’s way of assuring us that we won’t have to raise sick children who need 24-hour care.

    However, I’m sure it’s painful nonetheless.

    • A> Nuran January 13, 2010, 6:38 AM

      A miscarriage isn’t just painful. It can be devastating. If it’s a blessing that confirms the suspicion that G-d is a sadistic bastard with a low sense of humor.

  • veebee January 14, 2009, 10:56 PM

    If the guy actually set her up, he is a legend.

  • Anonymous January 14, 2009, 11:38 PM

    the passuk actually reads shikhva eimi

  • Bsamim Smoker January 15, 2009, 5:06 AM

    Before you femenazies got up on your soap box and accuse me of being a chauvinistic pig. I remind you that this is just a legend, and besides any fair minded objective observer would conclude the this was just a fun way of showing how propaganda and mind games could sucker us all.

  • Bsamim Smoker January 15, 2009, 6:49 AM

    After futher research and analaysis Anonymous you are correct it is “Shikva Eimi”in accordance with Genesis 39:7. Unfortunatly I did not have a chumash with me at the time the story was told to me.
    So edit the story as follows:
    he intentionally mis-read the phrase “Shikva Eimi” as “Shikva Eimo” on que she pipped up ”Shikva Eimi”.

  • Bsamim Smoker January 15, 2009, 6:55 AM

    Correct the verse reads (Genesis39:7)”Shichvah Eimi” correct the story accordingly.I did not have a chumash with me at the time the joke was told to me.Regardless,veebee to answer your question transalation is “Sleep with me”

  • Bsamim Smoker January 15, 2009, 6:59 AM

    Good catch

  • Sick Perv January 15, 2009, 7:05 AM

    I was the hareidi baal koreh. You forgot the best part of the story. As soon as she corrected me I high jumped that 4 foot mehitzah pulled down her skirt and sport f***** her hariedi style

  • Bsamim Smoker January 15, 2009, 7:08 AM

    Now now boys and girls this is a family website

  • veebee January 15, 2009, 1:10 PM

    No it isn’t.

  • OPINIONATED January 15, 2009, 1:28 PM

    I’ve done research as to why many men and women stay single. What I’ve discovered is this:

    Men are more likely than women to be too absorbed in their fantasy to settle, while many women have a fear of intimacy and sex.

  • OPINIONATED January 15, 2009, 1:30 PM

    People stay single because:

    Men are too picky and unrealistic, while women have a fear of intimacy. Ask any single female, and she will tell you that she doesn’t see a need to get married.

  • Phil January 15, 2009, 1:35 PM


    I think you got it backwards, women are a lot more picky and unrealistic than women, (young) men probably have a fear of the commitment/responsability required to start a family.

    • A, Nuran January 13, 2010, 6:40 AM

      Amazing. Phil and I are in complete agreement!

  • Gila January 15, 2009, 3:45 PM

    Bsamim Smoker, I know that story, but I heard that it happened at a shul in Nachlaot.

    (BTW- I’m not sure what you meant by the term “femenazie” and also not sure where “propaganda and mind games” fit into all of this.)

  • OPINIONATED January 15, 2009, 11:01 PM

    Proper Prayer for a Wife:

    Dear God, I’ve been good all my life.
    My time has come. Please send me a wife.

    I need something to look at when I’m not watching the tube,
    So, please, dear God, make sure she has boobs.

    They should be the size of cantaloupe melons,
    But, oh, dear God, I can’t stand lemons.

    I might be willing to settle for grapefruit,
    But nothing less. I want “womanly,” not “cute.”

    No grapes, cherries or blueberries.
    No tangerines, kiwis or raspberries.

    They should feel super soft, not bony,
    Smooth, yet jiggle like macaroni.

    My wife should smell as good as baked apples,
    Not like a three-month-old open Snapple.

    Her body should have more curves than celery stalks,
    But if she’s too fat, then I can’t help but balk.

    Oh. And give her a list of the foods that I don’t like,
    So when she starts to cook, she’ll be the perfect wife.

  • veebee January 15, 2009, 11:41 PM

    Vi-yimru amen.

  • Gila January 17, 2009, 5:50 PM

    That’s just sick.

  • Son of a Feminist January 18, 2009, 6:30 AM

    Sick Prev
    I always wondered who my father was, please send me your contact details so we can spend some quality father-son time together

  • Son of a Feminist January 18, 2009, 6:37 AM

    When I asked my mom who my dad was, all she said was”you were concieved in a very holy place” than she said “stay away from all those mad hariedim”

  • yeshiva guy January 21, 2009, 1:59 PM

    The “taking the keys” story was “officially confirmed” in my yeshiva. they added a twist “you know what the gadlus of the bochur was? the girl went out with another bochur from the yeshiva and he didn’t tell that bochur what she did. Regarding the story where the guy didn’t help up the girl when she slipped on the ice, I told it to some guys and some guy immediately piped up “Yeah the boy did the right thing” I asked my yeshiva posek ( to be able to tell the guy why he’s wrong) and he said that if it happened to his daughter he would tell her to dump him. (not derech shimush)

  • chnyock January 22, 2009, 6:28 PM

    if the person can’t get up themselves then a member of the opposite sex may help them get up.
    r moshe sternbuch has a teshuva about it

  • Moshe January 22, 2009, 7:41 PM

    Only if the person helping is wearing gloves that are at least 1/4 inch thick.

  • yeshiva guy January 23, 2009, 10:18 AM

    Even if she could get up It’s not derech shimush.

  • yisroel April 3, 2009, 10:28 AM

    Regarding “walking down the street” story obviously he should save her as in either case (dead or touched) he will not marry her and he performs the mitzvah of Pekuah Nefesh.

  • Gila April 4, 2009, 8:33 PM

    I’m not so sure. Who’s to say that after helping her up, he definitely won’t marry her?

  • yisroel April 4, 2009, 10:00 PM

    She’s the one who won’t marry him for touching her before marriage. So he saves her and she won’t marry him, or he doesn’t save her and he can’t marry her since she’s in the world to come. Either way no marriage, but in one case, pekuah nefesh.

  • Gila April 5, 2009, 3:12 PM

    Not necessarily. Just because the girl in the story refused to marry him doesn’t mean that all girls would, and anyway, there’s no way the guy could have predicted that she would react that way.

    Alternatively, she could have been run over and survived. (If that happened to me, I definitely would not marry the guy, but then again I wouldn’t have been upset at him for touching me in the first place, so who knows what she would have thought.)

  • Shidduch Storyteller April 5, 2009, 6:36 PM

    My favourite one is about the girl who was very nervous about her first date and the guy could see that when she got into his car so as soon as she sat down he asked her when she wanted to get married and she threw up all over his car.

    Then there’s the one about the guy who got to the girl’s house and was greeted by a Sheitel wearing lady who he thought was the girl’s older sister. After about half an hour when there was no sign of the girl he asked her what her name was and when she told him he realised that it actually was the girl. She could see that he looked a bit perturbed so she said “Didn’t they tell you I was divorced?” He replied, “Didn’t they tell you that I was a Cohen?”

  • Avraham June 2, 2009, 10:34 PM

    Goddamn American frummies. So shallow, so lame, so nauseating.

  • Married for 18 Years December 2, 2009, 12:40 AM

    True story that happened to my wife (before we met). She is walking along Broadway on the UWS and realizes she has a problem. She spots a “Love’s” drug store (remember they used to be all over the UWS before Duane Reed took over) and excuses herself saying she needs to run inside to “buy something she needs.” Being polite, he waits outside. She exits 2 minutes later and says, “I need to take care of something – I am just going to walk around the corner for a minute.” Imagine what he thinks as she rounds the corner, takes a can of static guard out of the bag, and sprays it on the inside of her skirt. When she returns he is beat red – she realizes what he must think and pulls out the can of static guard – he looks and laughs.

    That shabbos, she is at an UWS shabbos meal with 24 people and a freind of her’s says, “Did you hear the story of the girl who was on a date and went into a drug store…” She stops her mid-sentence and says, “I can tell it better – I was that girl.”

  • A> Nuran January 13, 2010, 6:31 AM

    So let’s get this straight…

    “Shelo Kedarko” means “WITHOUT the trained walrus, chandelier, tentacled midget chorus and liver-flavored lubricant.

    How….boring. Don’t these girls have any imagination?

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