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My Fathers Wedding

Its not that I don’t get along with my relatives, its just that most of them think my brother and I are crazy and should settle down already, at least that is what the theme of my fathers wedding was. “Why on earth would you move away from New York, when you have to get married?” was the main theme of the night, followed by “So your living in Arizona, or whatever other state they could think of that was somewhere they would never travel to.” I feel like people just lump all the non-coastal states together into one pot and pick whatever comes to mind, New Yorkers are so geographically challenged that they think Indiana is next to Texas.

I tried to explain to them that I was interested in finding a mate, but not “that” interested, people were shocked. “What your gonna wait till your 41 like your father?” I didn’t say that, I said I wasn’t that interested, I make a lousy paycheck and I am having a great time wandering, I think that people really just think that anyone who is single at 26 is miserable, I find it to be almost detrimental to the conversation if when someone asks how your are doing, you don’t throw in some sort of shidduch crisis sob story, almost as if my whole life should be centered around finding a woman. It isn’t and I think it pisses people off, at least Jews in New York, especially family members.

Then of course I had to meet all these people who have “known” since I was this tall- as they put their flat hands down to about 2 feet above the floor, funny because I never remembered meeting any of them or even hearing about them. But it comes with the territory of gathering a bunch of old folks together to celebrate a wedding of a long time single friend of theirs, its not like there were that many cheeks to pinch on little kids, but to a 70 year old I guess we were the same thing.

You know how at normal weddings, when they announce the newlywed couple, the music gets loud and everyone starts going nuts? Then the dancers in the middle start dancing really fast and all of the parents friends form this half assed shuffle in which they place their sweaty hands on each others backs and keep the shoe cobblers in business. Well at my fathers wedding it was all like that, the middle ring of “fast” dancers which usually consists of the Rabbis and the person who just got married, along with someone pulling unsuspecting and unwilling people into the circle was damned slow, someone mentioned that he was waiting for someone’s hip to go or pacemaker to stop.

The part where everyone dances in front of the bride and groom was very funny as well, just because of the age of everyone, you have these 60 year old men doing the yeshivish tap dance, and you know when they wave their arms in circles and slam the floor with their shoes.

Many people asked me how I felt about the situation and to tell the truth I didn’t think of it much. I don’t live anywhere near New York nor do I ever want to, so it’s really a good thing, its weird I admitted just because we have always been this manly underwear wearing crew, but times change and life must go on. I do admit that not knowing my step sisters names is a bit disconcerting and not knowing any of my new “step side” of the families names or anything about them is a bit weird as well. In fact I am so anti-social with family in general that I don’t even know some of my own cousins names.
I am quite bummed that my father decided to leave Manhattan although he did say my brother and I would inherit the upper west side apartment we grew up in. I am even more bummed that he chose a place like Far Rockaway with absolutely nothing to do besides walk on the boardwalk and eat pizza, although it might be cool to live by the beach and go swimming on shabbos. (Will Far Rockaway put us in cherem?)

The wedding was mad ghetto as all Fried family affairs must be and that was a fun thing. I caught one of the waiters sitting down at someone’s spot during the dancing and eating his salad. I also saw these two guys during the entire meal basically, sitting across from each other, one was learning (which someone mentioned was extremely ostentatious) and I agree and the guy sitting across from him was glued to his blackberry the entire time.

I was surprised that no Schnorrers showed up, I was kind of looking forward to it because everyone always asks me what I think about that faction of wedding culture but I have never actually witnessed it and being that this was in the middle of Borough Park at Schicks manor I was expecting an onslaught of non-English speaking guys in long coats shoving laminated tzedaka letters that could have told me to go screw myself for all I know.

Is it right to tell a “close talker” that they are invading your space and letting you get a full view of their acne and nose hairs? I wondered this as one women literally stuck her face as close as possible to mine while talking, it bugged the hell out of me and I finally understood the Seinfeld episode about the subject.

If you would have listened on to some of the conversations around the men’s side you would have heard two different conversations. The first one was about medications, I listened to two of my uncles speaking for about 20 minutes about Lipitor and a bunch of other unrecognizable medications that end in “ex”. The other distinct conversation which was going on between men and which occurs at every wedding in different forms was where people found a spot to park.

I feel that men always talk about driving prowess at Jewish weddings, at this one it was about their slick moves in navigating the double parkers on 12th avenue in Borough Park to find a place within 1 block of the hall. I was at a wedding in Toronto once at which everyone was discussing their border crossing adventures and how fast they had made it from New York and which route they took. At Monsey weddings the conversations abour driving always talk about which bridge they took and how much traffic they dodged by listening to the traffic report.

During picture time I became aware of weird I felt, my brother agreed, it is weird, and I know some of you may be thinking that we will get used to it, but I just don’t think you understand, my father has been dating this women for 8 years so its as if they were married.

I did get to talk to some of my cousins I always want to talk to and are just too scared to call up. You see when it comes to staying in touch with people I am great but with family I suck. I would like to say that I am that bitch that visits friends in a far away city and doesn’t call his relatives, it’s a crappy thing to do but that’s how I work, I just feel uncomfortable calling random cousins up that I never speak to. I should write on my frumster profile that I am only family oriented with relatives who’s addresses I know by heart and can pop in for random visits. Wait I don’t even know my fathers new address by heart.

It is interesting to note several things, due to my fathers long wait to get married, all of our cousins are way older then us save for two of them. I have 60 year old first cousins and a 94 year old uncle. Now that my father has married someone 24 years younger then himself I have this whole network of people my own age, whether or not I will become great buddies with any of them is something for the future, who the hell knows. I should also note the hilariousness of the fact that my father is 2 years old then his new father in law.

Overall it was an interesting affair and I had a great time catching up with people I never met and relatives I never see. I think this is the first wedding post that I have written in which food or girls were not talked about- for that you will have to watch my videos.

To see more pictures from my fathers wedding please click here.

I filmed some videos of my father and his friends telling some funny stores- they will be available on my You Tube page

{ 133 comments… add one }
  • abandoning eden December 15, 2008, 10:31 AM

    Wait didn’t they just get engaged like a week or two ago? Or have I lost all sense of time?

    Either way, mazal tov!

    (oh and everywhere except the frum world, being single at 26 is totally normal.)

  • Shtetl Fabulous December 15, 2008, 10:31 AM

    If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know the names of my father’s wife’s grown children and six months after the wedding I haven’t seen her since, nor heard anything about these people who are technically my step-siblings.

    To paraphrase Chekov – every family is dysfunctional in its own way.

    • Anonymous June 27, 2010, 4:29 PM

      Tolstoy for God’s sake!

  • Left Brooklyn December 15, 2008, 10:57 AM

    Mazal tov!

    I can’t believe no one tried to set you up with their neighbors niece from Peoria.

  • Phil December 15, 2008, 11:20 AM

    Mazal Tov, seems like your dad is a real chassid, favors short engagements.

    Consider yourself on the luckier side of the deal, your stepsisters now have a dad that’s older than their grandad.

    Never been to Far Rockaway, I hear the shark fishing there is pretty good. If I were in NY, I would definitely choose an area by the beach if I had a choice. I realize it’s not Eilat or the Bahamas, but it still the ocean.

  • doctrauma December 15, 2008, 11:38 AM

    that is a seriously nice tie, when did u pick it up?

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 11:39 AM

    Your dad looks like Rabbi Moshe Sherer

  • dys December 15, 2008, 11:41 AM

    People obsessing over a 26 year old guy’s single status is the real shidduch crisis. As for the person who worried that you’ll wait till age 41, ask them to produce statistics that show that people who are single at a young age of 26 are still mostly single 15 years later!

  • Es December 15, 2008, 11:50 AM

    “New Yorkers are so geographically challenged that they think Indiana is next to Texas.”
    i know! its crazy! i just went out with this guy who kept talking about how i live near the border, and i ignored it for a little, but then i was like what border are u talking about!? he thought i lived near canada!!! oyvey

    “I should also note the hilariousness of the fact that my father is 2 years old then his new father in law.”
    hahahha omgggg what does his FIL think of that?!
    i noticed the new wife looked kinda young…

    and i still dont get why u dont like far rockaway! i love it there!

  • Es December 15, 2008, 11:54 AM

    did u wear a YELLOW shirt to ur fathers wedding?!?!?! *gasp*
    ;-P

  • suitepotato December 15, 2008, 12:26 PM

    Love that yellow shirt. Excellent choice.

    A 92 year old uncle? You don’t mean a brother of a grandfather do you?

    You might think being single at 26 is no big deal now, but when you get to 36 and you’re just starting a toddler, and then 46 and you’re trying to play physically in the yard with a boy, you’ll be wishing you started earlier. Take it from someone pushing 40.

    Besides, getting through years of marriage takes time. They don’t come prefab set for perfection. It can take decades to reach a point of mutual comfort and stability. Start earlier I say.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 12:26 PM

    you don’t actually expect to find a shidduch after a pubic display of defiance(i.e. a pic of you with a yellow shirt and no black hat)

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 12:28 PM

    I dig the kippa your bro is wearing, I gotta get me one of those

  • Phil December 15, 2008, 12:30 PM

    Totally agree with suitepotato, besides, the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll get them out of the house.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 12:41 PM

    Note to Lakewood Shadchan:

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 12:46 PM

    Please go to Frumsatire.net to get a taste of the real unsheltered world.

  • Anonymous December 15, 2008, 1:13 PM

    “Besides, getting through years of marriage takes time. They don’t come prefab set for perfection. It can take decades to reach a point of mutual comfort and stability.”

    This is a beautiful paradox that speaks right to me. I will be mulling over this for a long time.

  • daintysplendor December 15, 2008, 1:55 PM

    Mazal Tov!!!

  • daintysplendor December 15, 2008, 2:01 PM

    maan just had a look at the wedding pics… I understand why they want to have you married asap – they probably want to see your kids before they, you know… while they are still here.. You have to think about it.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 2:51 PM

    Your so right daintysplendor by the way your comments are so insightfull

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 2:53 PM

    On the topic of Marriage I was curious to know if any frumsatire members ever hooked up

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 2:54 PM

    Concerning the topic of Marriage I was curious to know if any frumsatire members ever hooked up

  • Yossi G. December 15, 2008, 2:59 PM

    >you don’t actually expect to find a shidduch after a pubic display of defiance(i.e. a pic of you with a yellow shirt and no black hat)<

    That’s a really hysterical typo, man. Not just besamim in THAT pipe!

  • Sara December 15, 2008, 3:18 PM

    Mazel tov!

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 3:22 PM

    Yossi G.,
    Please read site disclaimer about typos. Nonetheless I gotta give props where props are due, indeed I was gramatically incorrect. There are many a herbage grillin in my bong, all of which fall under the general category of besamim.

  • Yossi G. December 15, 2008, 3:42 PM

    No, my friend, you were not grammatically incorrect, you were graphically incorrect!

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 3:49 PM

    Yossi G.
    Hesh is on the far right. No hat. Yellow shirt.look closely.Even I was able to detect that, with my ever present cloud of smoke encompassing me, like moses at mount Sinai

  • offthederech December 15, 2008, 4:20 PM

    bsamim smoker is hilarious

  • Future Druggie December 15, 2008, 4:39 PM

    I’m open to Shidduchim. Minimum Requirements: Must have Bris Mila and hearbeat. Why is it that no one wants me?

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 4:51 PM

    usually such low standards mean your desperate, also one may perhaps query:”Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a women who abuses illegal narcotics?”

  • Yossi G. December 15, 2008, 5:07 PM

    Okay, Besamim,

    It’s like this: The typo was not your grammer, it was your spelling. You wrote, “pubic display of defiance” when you meant public.

    Thats why I said the error was graphic, not grammatical. Graphic, as in showing too much?
    Nothing to do with the yellow shirt, which I saw close up live anyway.

    Got it now?

  • chanief December 15, 2008, 5:24 PM

    So, no progress at all on your stepsister’s names? Tsk tsk.

    I’m glad the wedding was nice (for them) and I wish them much happiness. I wonder how her family feels about her marrying a man so much older than she is (older than her father is quite a bit older!) Sorry the relatives are giving you a hard time about being a bachelor at the ripe old age of 26, but I think dainty is right, they probably want to be around to see your children.

    Bsamim Smoker you’re a trip!

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 5:28 PM

    that’s what you call graphical art. An artist never has to justify his work, what he writes, in essence, reflects his own expressions, it’s called poetic license

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 5:57 PM

    My last comment was an answer Yossi G.. Oh and one more thing yossi, you could have a private display of defiance(i.e. sporting a yellow shirt in your room whilst noone is looking)hence”public display of defiance” .

    Anyway I really don’t want to play petty cat and mouse games over samantics if thats the only beef you got with me lets end it here.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 15, 2008, 6:00 PM

    thanks chanief, by the way I love your posts 🙂

  • I"yh by you December 15, 2008, 6:22 PM

    Your father kept to his beliefs about keeping away from those klopped hoshanos.

  • lkwdbum December 15, 2008, 7:54 PM

    Dude let me get whatever youre smoking-he merely pointed out pubic as apposed to pubLic …
    …………….. never mind- remember- puff puff PASS

  • lkwdbum December 15, 2008, 7:55 PM

    *opposed*

  • s(b.) December 15, 2008, 8:10 PM

    indeed, #35. hesh, wait till you’re 32 and a 26-year-old calls you old. i’ll laugh (not in a mean way).

    b smoker, you know what’s funny? I had forgotten there was a yeshivish vocal group called b’samim, several years ago (no idea if they’re still around). that’s less subtle than your user name.

    I dig the yellow shirt. a wedding is a joyous occasion. a little color is good.

  • Ami December 15, 2008, 8:42 PM

    Mazal tov!

  • Batya December 15, 2008, 10:28 PM

    A very sincere mazaltov, and I hope you don’t wait until 40.

    Eight years ago, those little girls were very young. It may be that your father wasn’t ready for that kind of parenting; he raised you and your brother alone.

    I wish the entire family good health to enjoy each other. You may find Far Rockaway not all that bad. My cousin has a place on the boardwalk, and he wouldn’t mind what you did on Shabbat. If you’re interested, drop me a line.

  • Jeff December 15, 2008, 10:34 PM

    Which side has the bigger noses?

  • Rentsy December 16, 2008, 12:04 AM

    “To paraphrase Chekov – every family is dysfunctional in its own way.”

    Tolstoy, opening lines of Anna Kerenina…

    I went to a Jewish Community School.

  • Chris_B December 16, 2008, 12:21 AM

    Congrats to your dad and new mom.
    Your step brother (with the exciting kippa) looks kinda like you. Its weird how the three younger males in the top pic all have that “I wish I were a mustache” thing going on.

    FWIW I got married at 27. It woulda been sooner but it took time to reel her in.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 16, 2008, 4:47 AM

    Hesh, Im sure you got permission from all members of that picture before exposing them to the international media

  • Phil December 16, 2008, 9:45 AM

    Rentsy,

    I thought Lt. Chekov was the one sitting next to Mr. Sulu, his famous line was something about “nuclear wessel”.

  • Yochanan December 16, 2008, 12:08 PM

    Mazal Tov!

  • Nerd From Hell December 16, 2008, 1:35 PM

    Just curious, did you ever wonder if Dad kept his “rocket in his pocket” for all those 8 years they were dating? Because I must say, she is quite a milf (or “smilf”)

  • Bsamim Smoker December 16, 2008, 2:53 PM

    Nerd From Hell you are one sick puppy

  • Phil December 16, 2008, 3:20 PM

    Very sick puppy indeed, they are Hesh’s parents after all, I doubt he gave the idea much thought unless he’s as much of a pervert as nerd from hell.

    That being said, I don’t see how a guy his dad’s age would date a woman that much younger for 8 years without doing anything unless he was strictly shomer negiah or impotent.

    Hesh I realize it’s your dad we’re talking about, please forgive any offence, I’m not trying to give you any nightmares…

  • Nerd From Hell December 16, 2008, 4:46 PM

    Yeah, I guess that question was out of line. I wouldn’t want to picture that scene either (ew). My apologies!

  • Ben-Yehudah December 16, 2008, 6:25 PM

    B”H

    Mazal Tov.

    I like when you share the kind of stuff that a lot of other people have going through their heads, and think they’re the only ones.

    When you share that stuff, then we all know that we’re not alone, and you’re just as nutty, and poignant, and real as we are.

  • HadassahSabo December 16, 2008, 6:54 PM

    mazel tov – i am planning a wedding, a second wedding, and your post gave me some insight into what the kids might be thinking, altho mine are much younger than you Hesh.

    were all the kids at the chupah or just the grown ones?

  • OPINIONATED December 16, 2008, 9:15 PM

    Tell your father that he’s the reason for the Shidduch Crisis!!!!

    If every girl is expected to marry a guy who is more than two decades older, then that ruins it for those of us who want to marry guys our own age!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • The anti-nerd December 17, 2008, 10:34 AM

    Nerd from Hell legitimizes the chareidi papers that don’t publish pictures of women.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 17, 2008, 11:03 AM

    note to s(b.) I love your pics 🙂

  • Bsamim Smoker December 17, 2008, 7:04 PM

    the anti nerd
    hariedi pappers don’t even publish pics of tzniut women ,thats pretty hore core right wing?

  • Bsamim Smoker December 17, 2008, 7:28 PM

    sorry ,typo- I meant hard core

  • Frum Satire December 17, 2008, 8:34 PM

    Nerd from hell I know the answer- we are modern orthodox after all.

  • Bsamim Smoker December 18, 2008, 7:33 AM

    Matter of fact so hard core, I might roll my next joint with Haraidi newspapper, say ,where can I get me one of those? Lakewood?

  • Anonymous December 23, 2008, 1:04 PM

    how far is your dads new home from “holy smokes” I would love to see a post about that joint.

    aka aishkodesh

  • yehudis - friend of the kallah January 5, 2009, 3:54 PM

    hey heshy – i’ve heard so much about you. ur step sisters names are shoshana and elisheva and ur step bro is moshe.

    my husband was front and center when they lifted ur dad up on the chair (he was under the average age of 65).

    mazal tov to u and your brother.

    yehudis.

  • Mark May 26, 2009, 5:15 PM

    Phil – Never been to Far Rockaway, I hear the shark fishing there is pretty good.

    Did you say the shtark fishing is good there? 🙂

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