20 types of guys that every yeshiva has

Every yeshiva is different so the following may vary but my yeshiva had a bunch of different characters- their roles stayed the same from year to year, but their names changed. I have 18 listed and I know there are more- but I figured I would put it up and edit the list as I thought of more.

The Modern Orthodox Rabbis Son:
I am sure many out of town yeshivas have this to deal with. In our yeshiva we had this kid whos father was the rabbi of a shul we couldn’t daven at nor eat at. I found that interesting even though I merely ignored my yeshivas ignorant anti-modern orthodox policies mostly because his mom was the best cook in town. I also found it horrible that certain kids used to go up to this kid and ask if his father drove to shul on shabbos.

The Rosh Yeshiva or Rebbes Son:
I am sure many yeshiva guys have to deal with this, and its rough because sometimes you have a cool kid, sometimes he’s really shtark and sometimes he is evil. It could go either way. I do remember this one Rabbis son who I had to explain what “wasting seed” was and it was a mighty uncomfortable task. Then again I hear about sons of rosh yeshivas who are smoking herb with all the reject kids behind the dumpsters- so it could go either way.

The In Towners:
In every yeshiva situation you have the kids that are in the dorm, the few who board and the few that actually live in the town your yeshiva chose to come to and divide with their politics. My yeshiva was no exception, the in towners were typically nerds and more modern then the rest of the guys. The were usually the only kids who didn’t get a hat for their bar mitzvahs and some of their moms didn’t even cover their hair or wore pants- a completely foreign thing to some of the guys in my yeshiva. The In Towners were your ticket to living a normal life when you had free time, it was also your ticket to a fun shabbos meal rather then eating at your rebbes house and being forced to say divrei torah for desert. In later years the In Towners at my yeshiva became a more rebellious bunch some of them even getting kicked out over the years.

The Car Mechanic:
The yeshiva I attended practically had its own junk yard which bordered the basketball court. Relics from the 70s with holes in the rusted out floors could be found as well as our favorite mechanic working on his white caprice classic from the 80s. I can remember the mechanic looking into the engine compartment and then a bunch of guys in white shirts and black pants pushing a smoking car down the street to try and get it started. The mechanic didn’t actually know what he was doing, but knew enough to be one of those guys that everyone talked with about cars and before buying a car, he was also in charge of telling you how to keep your car together with bungee cords and duct tape in classic yeshiva style.

The Gambler:
There were always a few gamblers but then there were gamblers that trumped all other gamblers. Those were the guys who would always be “out” which meant they were watching sports, going to Turning Stone Casino or Casino Niagara and not telling anyone where they were. There was always this one guy who was on the phone with his bookie presumably and I later found out he was more serious of a gambler then anyone I have ever met.

The Chain Smoker:
Until he got cancer the rosh yeshiva at my high school was a chain smoker, you had to endure second hand fumes whenever you got a letter sent to you by a girl or got caught going to a movie. Besides for the rosh yeshiva there was always at least one chain smoker- and I am sure every yeshiva had them.

The Scheming Hocker:
In my day there was this one day who was the scheming hocker, I remember one year he bought a truckload of candy canes for dirt cheap, we all ate candy canes for months. Then one year it was a truckload of canteens and then another year it was baseball cards. Funny because he eventually did go into baseball cards and the whole Ebay thing. I only realized it recently that this guy was hocker extraordinaire, he was the type of guy that knew your whole life story before learning your name.

The guy with the hot sisters:
Every school has one of these guys who has a smoking hot sister. We had one of these guys and his sister was in the girls school which made it even better. I remember these people going up to him and saying “dude your from Scranton, do you know this girl” with him responding that it was his sister. Always funny to see the reaction from him.

The Racist:
There were many racists in yeshiva, that’s just how it is, it was the first time I had ever heard grown men using the N word in regular conversation, not just in a road raging manner. But there was always that one kid who had the confederate flag and was the grand wizard if you shall say. He was the one who would look them in the face with an angry smirk as if he was going to call them N to their face.

The Politician:
The aspiring politician who was always right wing and could speak in a Rush Limbaugh accent was the one who was always upstairs listening to these horrible talk radio shows at night. He was the one who would call up local radio shows and write into the newspaper. I do remember the politician went out with a girl once who’s father called up the yeshiva and asked some random person who picked up the phone who he had voted for in the past election- Bush of course, what kind of question is that, and then he never saw the girl again.

The Snitch: (aspiring dorm councilor)
Possibly the most hated person in yeshivas besides for mean dorm councilors. You could never trust the snitch and usually word got out who the snitch was and that was that. There were no beat downs of any sort, people just knew to stay away, and never to tell them anything. Snitches were like reporters, they picked out the juiciest bits and conjured up stories which may not have even been true. They also tended to start off conversations with “hey did hear what so and so did?” so they could get more information.

The Computer Nerd: (sci fi guys)
Over the years there were many computer nerds, the computer nerds didn’t only know how to fix computers or video game systems. They also tended to help you with your math homework and could probably figure out how to make you monitor which was only allowed to have video games hooked up to it, somehow get cable television. The computer nerds were also known as sci fi guys a lot of the time because they always had their head buried in a book, usually with a dragon on the front of it. They also played games like D and D and magic the gathering.

The Proud Sephardic Guys:
In my yeshiva there was always a whole crew of Sephardim who stuck together, they used to flip over bunk beds and turn them into chin up bars and punching bag supports and they would all wear wife beaters and listen to Sephardic music which sounded like Arabic while they worked out. They would also make their own cholent and throw eggs in it, you could always spot them with their white suddurs with those stretched out letters as if all ches’s and hay’s had to be lined up or something.

The Rich Rebel:
Like most yeshivas mine was strapped for cash, so they would always accept these horrible kids that happened to be rich. The rich kids got away with everything and even though the rabbis denied it we knew these rich kids had it made. I can always remember the favored comment of everyone who seemed to stay in the school even though they should have been kicked out long ago “full tuition”.

The Midget:
My yeshiva had several “midgets” I give them quotes because they weren’t necessarily midgets by ordinary standards, but for us yeshiva guys someone who was 4”10 and 16 years old might as well be one. We had several of them and one of the favored pastimes of this phenomena was that we would get them to fight with each other and everyone would watch and take pictures.

The Pimp:
The pimp was a rarity in a yeshiva full of boys that rarely got to talk to girls. The pimps actions could be seen at events where girls were present like ice skating rinks, pizza at the local chabad and hanging out at the local park. While kids always bragged about getting some (which in most cases was talking to a girl outside of a pizza store in Brooklyn while watching out for spies) The Pimps actually talked to girls for real and even did more.

The Horny Guy: (porn distributor)
How can there be one horny guy in a yeshiva full of young boys with raging hormones? But there is a big difference because there was always a horniest guy, they kind of remind me of that dude from superbad who drew the penis pictures as a kid. One year we had these two dudes who would literally tell the whole dorm when they were going to smack it around, they would always emerge from the bathroom proudly with some free underwear ads or something. They were also the guys who would really go to town whenever we talked about anything sexual in class. I mean I remember this one time in Hebrew class given by the rosh yeshiva in which he was talking about a sack of apples- this kid just keeps on going on about sacks it was pretty funny.

The Rabbis Daughter: (not to be confused with the generals daughter)
The rabbis daughter was part of yeshiva in many ways, unfortunately for our yeshiva we had no rabbis daughters that were hot. But I always hear these stories of the rosh yeshivas daughter an one lucky student, and so on. So I am sure the rabbis daughter in many yeshivas is one of those people that are part of the yeshiva more then she realizes.

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