Every yeshiva is different so the following may vary but my yeshiva had a bunch of different characters- their roles stayed the same from year to year, but their names changed. I have 18 listed and I know there are more- but I figured I would put it up and edit the list as I thought of more.
The Modern Orthodox Rabbis Son:
I am sure many out of town yeshivas have this to deal with. In our yeshiva we had this kid whos father was the rabbi of a shul we couldn’t daven at nor eat at. I found that interesting even though I merely ignored my yeshivas ignorant anti-modern orthodox policies mostly because his mom was the best cook in town. I also found it horrible that certain kids used to go up to this kid and ask if his father drove to shul on shabbos.
The Rosh Yeshiva or Rebbes Son:
I am sure many yeshiva guys have to deal with this, and its rough because sometimes you have a cool kid, sometimes he’s really shtark and sometimes he is evil. It could go either way. I do remember this one Rabbis son who I had to explain what “wasting seed” was and it was a mighty uncomfortable task. Then again I hear about sons of rosh yeshivas who are smoking herb with all the reject kids behind the dumpsters- so it could go either way.
The In Towners:
In every yeshiva situation you have the kids that are in the dorm, the few who board and the few that actually live in the town your yeshiva chose to come to and divide with their politics. My yeshiva was no exception, the in towners were typically nerds and more modern then the rest of the guys. The were usually the only kids who didn’t get a hat for their bar mitzvahs and some of their moms didn’t even cover their hair or wore pants- a completely foreign thing to some of the guys in my yeshiva. The In Towners were your ticket to living a normal life when you had free time, it was also your ticket to a fun shabbos meal rather then eating at your rebbes house and being forced to say divrei torah for desert. In later years the In Towners at my yeshiva became a more rebellious bunch some of them even getting kicked out over the years.
The Car Mechanic:
The yeshiva I attended practically had its own junk yard which bordered the basketball court. Relics from the 70s with holes in the rusted out floors could be found as well as our favorite mechanic working on his white caprice classic from the 80s. I can remember the mechanic looking into the engine compartment and then a bunch of guys in white shirts and black pants pushing a smoking car down the street to try and get it started. The mechanic didn’t actually know what he was doing, but knew enough to be one of those guys that everyone talked with about cars and before buying a car, he was also in charge of telling you how to keep your car together with bungee cords and duct tape in classic yeshiva style.
The Gambler:
There were always a few gamblers but then there were gamblers that trumped all other gamblers. Those were the guys who would always be “out” which meant they were watching sports, going to Turning Stone Casino or Casino Niagara and not telling anyone where they were. There was always this one guy who was on the phone with his bookie presumably and I later found out he was more serious of a gambler then anyone I have ever met.
The Chain Smoker:
Until he got cancer the rosh yeshiva at my high school was a chain smoker, you had to endure second hand fumes whenever you got a letter sent to you by a girl or got caught going to a movie. Besides for the rosh yeshiva there was always at least one chain smoker- and I am sure every yeshiva had them.
The Scheming Hocker:
In my day there was this one day who was the scheming hocker, I remember one year he bought a truckload of candy canes for dirt cheap, we all ate candy canes for months. Then one year it was a truckload of canteens and then another year it was baseball cards. Funny because he eventually did go into baseball cards and the whole Ebay thing. I only realized it recently that this guy was hocker extraordinaire, he was the type of guy that knew your whole life story before learning your name.
The guy with the hot sisters:
Every school has one of these guys who has a smoking hot sister. We had one of these guys and his sister was in the girls school which made it even better. I remember these people going up to him and saying “dude your from Scranton, do you know this girl” with him responding that it was his sister. Always funny to see the reaction from him.
The Racist:
There were many racists in yeshiva, that’s just how it is, it was the first time I had ever heard grown men using the N word in regular conversation, not just in a road raging manner. But there was always that one kid who had the confederate flag and was the grand wizard if you shall say. He was the one who would look them in the face with an angry smirk as if he was going to call them N to their face.
The Politician:
The aspiring politician who was always right wing and could speak in a Rush Limbaugh accent was the one who was always upstairs listening to these horrible talk radio shows at night. He was the one who would call up local radio shows and write into the newspaper. I do remember the politician went out with a girl once who’s father called up the yeshiva and asked some random person who picked up the phone who he had voted for in the past election- Bush of course, what kind of question is that, and then he never saw the girl again.
The Snitch: (aspiring dorm councilor)
Possibly the most hated person in yeshivas besides for mean dorm councilors. You could never trust the snitch and usually word got out who the snitch was and that was that. There were no beat downs of any sort, people just knew to stay away, and never to tell them anything. Snitches were like reporters, they picked out the juiciest bits and conjured up stories which may not have even been true. They also tended to start off conversations with “hey did hear what so and so did?” so they could get more information.
The Computer Nerd: (sci fi guys)
Over the years there were many computer nerds, the computer nerds didn’t only know how to fix computers or video game systems. They also tended to help you with your math homework and could probably figure out how to make you monitor which was only allowed to have video games hooked up to it, somehow get cable television. The computer nerds were also known as sci fi guys a lot of the time because they always had their head buried in a book, usually with a dragon on the front of it. They also played games like D and D and magic the gathering.
The Proud Sephardic Guys:
In my yeshiva there was always a whole crew of Sephardim who stuck together, they used to flip over bunk beds and turn them into chin up bars and punching bag supports and they would all wear wife beaters and listen to Sephardic music which sounded like Arabic while they worked out. They would also make their own cholent and throw eggs in it, you could always spot them with their white suddurs with those stretched out letters as if all ches’s and hay’s had to be lined up or something.
The Rich Rebel:
Like most yeshivas mine was strapped for cash, so they would always accept these horrible kids that happened to be rich. The rich kids got away with everything and even though the rabbis denied it we knew these rich kids had it made. I can always remember the favored comment of everyone who seemed to stay in the school even though they should have been kicked out long ago “full tuition”.
The Midget:
My yeshiva had several “midgets” I give them quotes because they weren’t necessarily midgets by ordinary standards, but for us yeshiva guys someone who was 4”10 and 16 years old might as well be one. We had several of them and one of the favored pastimes of this phenomena was that we would get them to fight with each other and everyone would watch and take pictures.
The Pimp:
The pimp was a rarity in a yeshiva full of boys that rarely got to talk to girls. The pimps actions could be seen at events where girls were present like ice skating rinks, pizza at the local chabad and hanging out at the local park. While kids always bragged about getting some (which in most cases was talking to a girl outside of a pizza store in Brooklyn while watching out for spies) The Pimps actually talked to girls for real and even did more.
The Horny Guy: (porn distributor)
How can there be one horny guy in a yeshiva full of young boys with raging hormones? But there is a big difference because there was always a horniest guy, they kind of remind me of that dude from superbad who drew the penis pictures as a kid. One year we had these two dudes who would literally tell the whole dorm when they were going to smack it around, they would always emerge from the bathroom proudly with some free underwear ads or something. They were also the guys who would really go to town whenever we talked about anything sexual in class. I mean I remember this one time in Hebrew class given by the rosh yeshiva in which he was talking about a sack of apples- this kid just keeps on going on about sacks it was pretty funny.
The Rabbis Daughter: (not to be confused with the generals daughter)
The rabbis daughter was part of yeshiva in many ways, unfortunately for our yeshiva we had no rabbis daughters that were hot. But I always hear these stories of the rosh yeshivas daughter an one lucky student, and so on. So I am sure the rabbis daughter in many yeshivas is one of those people that are part of the yeshiva more then she realizes.
If you liked this post check out these similar posts:
Yeshiva Memories: Room searches
How they would obstruct our free time at yeshiva
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{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome! we had em all and I was the mechanic!
http://tongueincheekfrum.blogspot.com/
The Tzadik
This is the guy who would always be learning and stay out of trouble, but be respected for it. Not the goody-goody who would kiss up, but the guy who was friends with the least frum guys and could have a 10 minute conversation with them, even though they had nothing to do with each other.
dude I was in Rochester also and not much has changed. This article is classic!
Ha! Now, I know I’m a girl and never went to yeshiva, but I did have the pleasure of attending a boarding school as an “in-towner” – add hazing and old money, subtract scrotum and religion and TAH Dah! We could have gone to school together
Special mention goes to:
1. The ambiguously gay guy: His pants are always starched, his shirt from Hilfiger and colorful, every hair is always carefully groomed and he only has a passing interest in girls and sports. Is he gay or just too-perfect? Or a little bit of both? We’ll never know, since his type usually scores a Brooklyn hottie within two years of graduating high school.
2. The Go-With-The-Flow guy: Rarely intelligent but always easy going, he immediately takes to yeshiva and its forced camraderie and myriad restrictions as if its his second nature. He listens attentively, speaks to his rabbeim in the hallways, and generally makes everyone else want to puke. Thrives in structured setting, the ‘Go-With-The-Flow’ guy is totally lost when he leaves yeshiva and has to make decisions for himself.
3. The Yeshivish Athlete: Somehow this guy can do what regular athletes do, while wearing the same black pants and white shirt he’s been wearing since Rosh Chodesh. He’s phenomenally talented within the yeshiva setting where his competition is junk-food munching slackers, but don’t get too close for the sweaty stench is an immediate giveaway of the time he spends in the gym.
4. The Guy-Who-Hangs-With-Janitors: What’s the deal with this guy? He spends more time with the janitors and kitchen staff than with anyone his own age. Is he plotting his escape with them, or just establishing a great weed hookup? No one knows, because he rarely speaks with his classmates. Some of the most bewildering moments occur when you walk past him and catch parts of his conversation with the floor cleaner from Yugoslavia.
5. The Keys Guy: Don’t know how anyone can forget the guy who wanders the hallways with all the keys. Left your binder in the computer room? Key guy has you covered, and somehow he remembers which key it is from his chain of a hundred keys. No one is sure how he accumulated those keys, or why, but he’s an invaluable source when you want to snoop the teacher’s lounge at night to scrounge up copies of tomorrow’s test.
This makes yeshiva sound like a movie.
The peddler:
This guy would run around to find the best deals on Soda, junk or anything else a yeshiva guy would be to “lazy” to go to the store for, then charge a premium when he re-sold it.
The barber:
More innovative than the peddler, this guy bought a hair clipper for a few bucks the first week of school, made some decent cash charging 1/2 of what a local barber shop did. Haircuts had to be #3 in my yeshiva, so it’s was more like mowing the lawn than styling hair.
The stolen phone card guy(s):
Back in my days of expensive long distance calls, these were a major commodity. You either bought, traded or made new phone cards, none got paid, the phone companies lost thousands a day. One guy in each yeshiva always had a list of cards, they often went bust within a few days.
The barman:
OK, this one was my specialty. It was particular to Lubavitch, after every farbrengen when all the rabbis were passed out or carted home, I would empty the rest of the scotch into Gingerale bottles. During shiur, on signal, a few of us would sneak one by one out for shots and smokes. Amazingly, after dozens of room searches, no one ever found the booze. I guess not letting any of the snitches in on it helped.
Jon the A:
The keys guy in my school ended up as the community locksmith. In his days, there wasn’t a room in the yeshiva that was safe, today he’s in charge, the place is like Fort Knox.
Hesh,
This reminded me of your post about high school in the movies. Have you noticed any parallels between the Gentile/Secular schools and yeshivot? Perhaps you could do a post on alter-egos.
By parallels, I mean of the different characters you come across.
I found your anecdotal recollections of yeshiva culture quite amusing. It brought me back to memories of my yeshiva dorm days in your home town of Monsey. I am 62 now and a grandfather but it 1961 my dad felt it was important for me to be in an enviornment that would help jumpstart my level observance from nothing to anything. So Beth Shraga being only 45 miles from Brooklyn was his choice and in the fall of ‘61 I landed on Saddle River Rd. AS soon as my dad helped my unpack and dropped I was given a a tour of the dorm. The first thing an older bochur showed me was the false panel in the bathroom which contained such publications as SWANK, JUGS AND Playboy
i think my blog covers all that too
Yochanan – good point. My school alone had the principal’s son, the mechanic, multiple chain smokers, the racist, the politician, the computer nerd, the ambiguously gay guy, and the guy who hangs with janitors and the keys guy were one in the same….
Benny thank the lord my hometown is not Monsey- I doubt I would be orthodox now if it were.
I totally forgot about the Keys guy who happened to be the guy that hung around the Janitor- I should do a post all about janitors and the other non-Jews who worked at my yeshiva.
Ohil and Jon the A brilliant comments- shall be added to the last once I get to my destination.
The secret agent:
The guy that you know is always behind the trouble, but there is no proof that he has any connection to it.
In my yeshiva, that role was combined with the athlete.
Hesh thanks for bringing me back, i will call you later on tonight.
BTW which guy was I?
At first I read “Snitches were like reporters” as “Snitches were like rodents” which makes a lot more sense.
hilarious post!!!! i hope my brother was “The guy with the hot sisters”!
“hilarious post!!!! i hope my brother was “The guy with the hot sisters”! Es
yes he was……. yes he was
hey we kind of had some bizarro girl version of this in BY! I remember actually compiling a list classifying each BY species while I was in high school.
in terms of shidduchim, you’ve made things much easier for me! now i can just cut to the chase and say I’m looking for a nice computer nerd
Nowadays the phone card scammer has been replaced with the cell phone scammer, the guy who is the phone with customer service 24/7 trying to get the best deals possible, and screaming, at least once every five minutes, “let me speak to your manager!”
cwilliam, do i know u?
Who can forget Backpack Guy. He was the only nerd that thought he was still in day school.Until he got hazed,whoops did I say “hazed” no I meant “initiated” by the upperclassmen
Lets not forget Im-trying-too-hard-to-fit -in yes you try to use yeshiva jargon and dress in those pretty white shirts and black pants but infortanatly your pronounciation of the “ch” sound , your very blonde hair, and that fact that you refer to your mother as “mom”(of course only late at night in your bed during the heated after-cerfew-dorm-debate) are tell tale signs of inferior pedigree.
Hey hesh we gotta make a blog about those
heated after-curfew-dorm-debate-while- lying -in- bed -staring- at- the- ceiling
sorry if I offended any baal tshuva or ger, let’s remember this is Frum Satire not Frum Politically Correct
Let’s not forget Wondering-eyes-in-the-mikvah guy,get in there do your thing and get out , you creep
I could do a number on mikve personalities …
Nemo, I want to hear that – go for it. And Bsamim: I was offended and I loved every second of it.
Who can forget Yeshiva-urban-legend-over-dramatizer it was usually that portly bais medrash guy (who was also a camp counsler in the summer) would always had a gishmaka maysah about the kid got kicked out of yeshiva and is now in the Army. Usually with ethuesatic hand gestures and while wearing his oversized yarmulka in the front of his head.But, to his credit was always willing to volenteer his defense attorney skills if you got in trouble (usually because he “knew” if you got kicked out youd go off the derech).Always had a passion for yeshiva culture.Just a good geshmakah guy
lol so true its really funny but you need that kid that sucks up to every rebbe
Somebody should create an RPG video game in yeshiva setting.
My brothers came home from Yeshiva to inform me that I was a dud by the Yeshiva standards. Do boys talk about anything besides girls?
no sorry es you probably dont know me i was just making an obnoxious statement
cwillian- i didnt realize u were trying to be obnoxious… i was almost flattered there for a minute
Dont forget the guy with the firecrackers for purim.
By the way the no responses from me are because I am driving from Texas to NY for the weekend
Who could ever forget guy-who-wore-his-pants -just-a-little-too-high, granted that’s no excuse for those Sophmore bullies to pick on you (god I hated those kids, they are the reason I am just a little less sypathetic when those bullies wind up doin hard manual labor for the rest of thier life, at minimum wage, but I digress)they might want to pick up a GQ magazine some time or just look arround the yeshiva and conclude main-stream -guy wears pants just above hips , or they’ll wind up marrying girls-who-wears-her-dress-a-little-too -high, and trust me you don’t wan’t to go there
bsamim smoker is pretty funny
nice, all around.
While puffin my proverbial “motzei shabbos magic dargon” and did think of anouther guy:
Guy-who-volnteered to-take -your-glasses right before the bullies dicided to play punch-a-freshee, hey dude thanks for saving my glasses but Im about to get my face rearranged so maybe call the cops while your at it. Im not knocking the guy he wanted to help out and was usually your best friend I just making the point.
pleatless-brown-pants-english-teacher this guy always had a take on how genration-x was all scewed up , more over you always got the general gist that this guy was stuck in the 1960s,eveything from his perl button shirts(which always happened to be rustic yellow) to his flat-ended ties to his pleteless brown pants, you always got a genuine taste of nostalgia everytime to bumped into him
I just met another one! I’m in Yeshivah and a highschool kid came over to me asking if I wanted him to do my laundry for a small charge. Any ideas on a name for this guy?
I would call that kid-whose-parents-dont-give-him-spending-money I was thinking about calling him the hocker but a hocker is more of a buisiness oppertunist(buy dirt cheap sell high)but most normal yeshiva guys do not like doing tedious smelly manual labor unless they really need the money, give him a 10er and tell him to keep the change (it’s tzedakah)
“the sober stoner” – not an actual stoner but the guy who perpetually acts like he is high. He is putting it on intentionally, but unluckily for him all the rebel crowd can see through it. He is generally from a very yeshivish home. He also tries to keep a beard to look free and easy, but this backfires because he has that patchiness going on between the sideburns and the goatee.
we had many a sober-stoner in my yeshiva back in the day, nice post
just thinking back to yeshiva days i can visualize every single one of these guys. even the midgets!
what about…
the kitchen guy: kinda like the key guy, just he always ruled the kitchen, when shabbos or mishmar comes around, he’s always the first guy in there either making food or somehow has the authority of when people will get their food
how bout the ger? we had two guys in two years, one from trinidad and another originally from aisa (don’t know which country). these guys were awesome guys.
Ah one of those kitchen guys is a reader of this blog. He wasn’t such a big key guy though- there was this other guy who became chummy with the stone cold cook who never really spoke and he had all the keys.
I was the perpetual stoner but I didn’t fake it, people just always assumed I was the head pot smoker and they still do- my voice, my baggy clothing and my always shaggy hair, oh and the fact I was into extreme sports didn’t help my case either.
Who could forget forget two-faced-rebbi/politician :you can rant and rave for hours on end every thursday night(mussar shmooz)”If it aint black hat it ain’t kosher” and all the freshees are thinkin “this rabbi is hardcore”, then I go home for the off shabbos pick up a copy of the Jewish News(which, hmmm…by some strange coincidence , is on the “traifa materials” list the hanhalah forced us to read and sign at the beginning of the year) for the usual friday-night-off-shabbos-read ,there is my rebbe SMACK ON THE FRONT PAGE shaking hands with Nigel Powers(the head macher at Beth Shalom(names have been changed to protect the guilty)) with his wife in pants and a low cut top.
Oh bully of the pulpit why did you not make a discliamer BEFORE the mussar shmooze : everything I say does not apply if you donate $50,000 a year or more to the yeshiva .
P.S. Do a better job faking a smile, most people could see right through that over zelous grin,except for Nigel Powers who didn’t mind giving his money to the yeshiva anyway, because if he didn’t give it to the yeshiva he wouldve given it to uncle sam, and you don’t get “nice guy PR” for paying taxes
Lets not forget the-rebbe-who-didn’t get it. When you informed him about a Sophmore who decked your a** cold, he would tell you something random like”You should have been in the bais medrash”.
Note to rebbi:
Incident #1)I was a victim of a violent physical attack take appropriate action
Incident #2) I was not in the bais medrash at 11pm monday night.No action needed there is no mandatory seder at that time anyway.
Thanks rebbi next time Ill just call the cops.
To be fair I would like to mention some good personaties in yeshiva like:”guy-who wore-a-tie-for-davening” because the Mishna Brurah says you must dress like your in front of a king during tefilla. All-Ears-Rebbi who you could ask any qustion or tell anything to and fell comfortable doing so, without worrying he would treat you like a BT for the rest of the year. Parent-of-the-in-towner who let your come over and watch the football games on sunday.
hesh-iam insulted!!
I did too know what I was doing! how do u think I kept an entire parking lot full of abcient heaps in running order?? especially sroya’s.
an apology is in order.
bwa ha ha. im 15 and in yeshiva right now. i would classify myself as a supplier. wtv you want, i can get it. movies, porn, cigs, booze. reminds me of the way prison life is portrayed in teh movies. not to mention i make an insane profit.
rebels ftw.
Crawling Axe>> Somebody should create an RPG video game in yeshiva setting.
I’d Imagine it to be something like the persona games. Creepy out-of-body experience combined with a hocking simulator.
Bsamim Smoker>>
While puffin my proverbial “motzei shabbos magic dargon” and did think of anouther guy:
First off, I love the name. I had about a solid 15 second chuckle when I saw it. I was going to take “Anointing Oil Lighter,” but I think you outdid me. Also, Jews don’t believe in magic dragons, only talking donkeys.
Thanks for the plug LonelyMan, the song “puff the magic dragon” had subliminal messages of marawana usage, kinda like that beatles record you had to spin backwords to hear the cryptic tale of John Lennon’s death,I was just using that metaphor to Smokin Bsamim
This one is a classic The-guy-with -all-the-answers, pas nisht for him to ever say the phrase “I don’t know” it just wasn’t in his vacbulary, he always had an answer for everything, sometimes we would ask him off the wall questions that we knew he didn’t know the answer to like “how do you rebuild a Detriot deisel engine” he never ceased to entertian with his creative answers
any penpals or Bsamin Smoker fans can post to amc2525@aol.com
I do suffer fools gladly
TDurden,
Ya best watch out with the booze supply if you’re in the USA, you can get into deep s**t for supplying it to minors, last place you want to call you’re parents from is from the “juvi” place.
Come to think of it, it’s a miracle our rebbis never got busted for supplying us with endless supplies at each farbrengen. Ahhh the miracle of Lubavitch holidays…
Offering…
The multi-dater. Dated over 70 girls before finding the b’shert. Kept a diary. Gave them pet names. Like “mouse” because she jumped up from the chair and caught an akbar in her bare hands. Or “TV” because the date consisted of watching tv. Or “little brother” because the little brother was listening to everything.
Offering….
The Kach guy. Totally hates arabs. Plotting to blow up a fuel truck in East J. (didnt happen)
Offering….
The Viet Nam Vet guy. Full of stories. Disgusted with life. I was sitting at a table with three of this type on July 4. Someone threw a firecracker in the room. All three hit the deck. Nervous as hell.
We had all of these guys at Telz Cleveland. And a few more:
The greaseball. This guy never let his hair grow past a double 0 cut and would pronounce breast as breest since he never actually heard anyone say that word, but of course you knew he read about them.
The modernish shtieger. This guy would wear tan corduroy pants (gevalt!), had longish hair, and a suede kippa, but learned all day and night. We couldn’t figure it out – so the rumor was that he was forced to dress modern by his parents, but he was yeshivish in his neshomo.
The chosid. We don’t know why chassidim sent their kid to a misnagdeshe yeshiva, but we do remember when the rosh mechina cracked a joke about how you can tell if a Sefer Torah is treif — it wears the gartel on the outside.
The Breuer guy who would to a taines dibbur during the whole month of Elul and aseres yimey t’shuva Now that’s shtark.
The foreigners – guys from Argentina and Brazil (I guess their parents were Telzers) who would swear in Spanish and Portuguese all the time. Only the workers in the kitchen knew what they were saying.
The rockers. These guys totally convinced everyone that they could listen to rock because they have to prepare to be the band at the Purim Seuda.
The gilgul cat. This cat hung around the lunchroom during meals and at the beis medrish during seder. Clearly he was a gilgul of one of the bucherim killed in the fire a few decades ago. Why else would a cat hang around the lunchroom?
the Scheming Hocker and the degenerate gambler were the same person? dont like him much
I was… Let me see…
The guy who knew all about this new internet thing (mid-to-late 90s), because he would sneak out of Yeshiva and go to the public library.
The guy who knew more about sex than anyone else.
The guy who had a lot of secular knowledge.
The guy who could tell a good joke.
The guy who somehow stayed in Yeshiva despite rarely attending a shiur and never taking tests.
The guy who stayed in the Beis Midrash shmoozing after Seder let out.
The guy who could turn any study session into a bullshove.
The guy who dropped out of Yeshiva and joined the army.
wow great post and great comments my rabbi had a gorgeous daughter i ate by him my 1st fri night in yeshiva and we almost ended up playing footsie (the rabbi was spazzed) but i made the mistake of telling somebody and it went downhill from there