GPS for frummies

It seems like there is a whole economy that runs on chumras, whenever something gets banned or made stricter, someone comes out with a product to ensure that you do the best you can with trying to adhere to that specific chumra. Of course it’s a conspiracy, any shmoe could tell you that. Take the kosher phone that they have in Israel, the kosher phone can receive or send text messages or hop on the internet or anything, however if you do want to send text messages or call another “non kosher” phone- you have to pay surcharges- brilliant- make people think they are being extra frum and charge them for it- such a Jewish thing to do. What on earth is wrong with text messages is a something which I cannot tell you.

I have come up with a new product which is sure to be a hit when someone steals my non-copyrighted idea and actually does something with it. I call it the Glatt Kosher GPS. This GPS system is like no other GPS, (not to be confused with the kosher GPS which just gives you restaurants) for it only lets you drive only on kosher routes, I should also mention that the untznius voice of the robot woman which has caused so many men to to sin and lose concentration has been replaced by one of those really heimishe guys who call up the people who are getting brachos under the chupa at weddings, unfortunately if you don’t speak yinglish you may have to download a modern orthodox mans voice.

This GPS is so kosher, because it has data as to where the location of untznius billboards, strip clubs, movie theaters, kosher style restaurants with unreliable hechsherim, and modern orthodox neighborhoods where married so called “frum women” do not cover their hair- with this knowledge the Glatt Kosher GPS can lead you on a straight path of frumkeit while giving you some crazy direction to steer clear of these tempting places of sin.

Imagine if such a device existed and the directions given to you could steer you around such places of sin like times square, the large strip club on the Nassau Expressway on the way to the five towns and those unznius billboards on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, now imagine if you never had to see the horrors of the untznius women traveling the bike lanes in Williamsburg. This dream could come true with the glatt kosher GPS.

Other programs could be downloaded to the GPS as well. Imagine if the person giving you directions was non other then your favorite Rebbe, imagine the nachas you can have from having Rav Elyashav giving you directions, that would be pimp. What if you wanted directions in Yiddish or Hebrew, we could do that too.

Other programs in the works are, minyan times, zmanim, minyan factory locations in case its 3 in the afternoon and you haven’t davened shachris yet. There is even a program called the hocker deal of the day- which includes deals found by official hockers on everything from car leases, cell phone plans, good investment properties in Newark, who serves cholent on Tuesday afternoon and where you may be able to get your passport in under three hours.

Now if only someone could invent a virtual davening program so no one would ever have to miss minyan again- that would be cool- but deadly because I guarantee the obesity rates in the frum community would rise more drastically then when Dougies first became the most popular place to eat.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • LilMissGer

    Oh I need one I need one!!
    But it would drive me right out of my town…and state….

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Well no- but it would definitely take you in some weird directions- imagine if Rivka Imenu had one- the whole issue with esuv kicking wouldn’t have even happened.

  • http://www.torahjudaism.org/ LilMissGer

    Hmm…mebbe he would have just kicked at it for keeping him from his desires…who knows.

  • Texgator

    If you get in the car in the morning and you don’t immediatly drive to your regular shul the Kosher GPS will alert you to every minyanim you pass along your route in an effort to guilt you into davening.

  • babymama

    LOL about Yinglish!!!
    I still remember at my own chuppah, which took place in Germany, people were called up like:
    “Mechubad mit dritte Brocha… Vice-President of [...] Rav X shlita!!”
    We keep wondering if it was said in german, hebrew, yiddish, or english..=))

  • http://www.torahjudaism.org/ LilMissGer

    The Kosher GPS will self destruct should you (heaven forbid!) attempt to use it on Shabbos. ;)

  • Deal finder

    Will it be sold below cost?

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    There needs to be a downloadable woman’s voice so that women who use it don’t get turned on by the sound of a man’s voice (especially married women — that would be like cheating [totally facetious]). How to verify downloader gender, I don’t know.

  • Meyer E.

    Does it come with a built-in cherry light and two way radio?

  • Texgator

    Someone needs to make the Hot Channie GPS

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Meyer E thats the special hocker/hatzolah edition. I am sure we can come up with different editions for each type of frummy- like the hot chani edition complete with the location of all sushi and boot stores.

  • Meyer E.

    When you search for your destination does it give you multiple opionons and who holds by what?

  • Former Teacher

    If the GPS says Tefilas Haderech for you, and you answer Amen, can you be Yotzei?

    How about Krias Hatora and Megillas Ester?

  • http://Mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com Mikeinmidwood

    Some places will be secluded, since there is no way to get out of that town, with a kosher route.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Meyer for that purpose I am sure they will have a shulchan aruch version and a Rambam version. Maybe the chabadnicks will come out with a shulchan aruch harav.

  • http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com Batya

    Do you mean that it can get you to Amsterdam’s Jewish Museum bypassing the neighboring red light zone?

  • http://www.theknish.com/ Mordy Ovits

    “This GPS is so kosher, because it has data as to where the location of untznius billboards, strip clubs, movie theaters, kosher style restaurants with unreliable hechsherim, and modern orthodox neighborhoods where married so called “frum women” do not cover their hair- with this knowledge the Glatt Kosher GPS can lead you on a straight path of frumkeit while giving you some crazy direction to steer clear of these tempting places of sin.”

    I’d run a great sideline business selling hacked versions that run in reverse. ;-)

  • Anonymous

    stop spamming the craigs list ranst and raves board. I am a Jew and I STILL find it offensive that you choose to spam that board. Do you know that no one gives a damn about your asinine satire.

    I flag it for removal as spam every time i see it. It IS spam. Now go away

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Anon are you searching for a chassidic gang bang and frustrated that you cant find it?

    By the way I have your IP address- muahah evil laugh.

  • http://collectivisticindividualism.blogspot.com/ Child Ish Behavior

    In order for anything like this to work first the Ban on regular GPS’ have to be made. Because it leads you off the Derech!

  • http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/ Batya

    Hesh, maybe “a” made trouble for you at youtube.

  • Chris_B

    How could it be kosher if it gets data from the same satellites as the treife GPS?

    Also if the plastic casing of the unit had a bump on it, would it loose its glatt status and revert back to regular kosher? In this case dont we have a recursive problem about trusting the hecher of the unit itself?

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Chris do you mean to say electronics take on the same status as esrogim and meat

  • Chris_B

    I’m just funnin’ on the idea of “kosher” electronics to begin with (much less “glatt”). AFAIK the word *only* has halachic status for food despite the vernacular meaning of “acceptable” so the idea of a “kosher” Internet or mobile phone has no real meaning to begin with so the extra glatt status is extra silly. If we apply those rules, then a bump on the casing would render the whole thing treife, no? I’ll be sure to ask my rabbi when I see him next week.

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