GPS for frummies

It seems like there is a whole economy that runs on chumras, whenever something gets banned or made stricter, someone comes out with a product to ensure that you do the best you can with trying to adhere to that specific chumra. Of course it’s a conspiracy, any shmoe could tell you that. Take the kosher phone that they have in Israel, the kosher phone can receive or send text messages or hop on the internet or anything, however if you do want to send text messages or call another “non kosher” phone- you have to pay surcharges- brilliant- make people think they are being extra frum and charge them for it- such a Jewish thing to do. What on earth is wrong with text messages is a something which I cannot tell you.

I have come up with a new product which is sure to be a hit when someone steals my non-copyrighted idea and actually does something with it. I call it the Glatt Kosher GPS. This GPS system is like no other GPS, (not to be confused with the kosher GPS which just gives you restaurants) for it only lets you drive only on kosher routes, I should also mention that the untznius voice of the robot woman which has caused so many men to to sin and lose concentration has been replaced by one of those really heimishe guys who call up the people who are getting brachos under the chupa at weddings, unfortunately if you don’t speak yinglish you may have to download a modern orthodox mans voice.

This GPS is so kosher, because it has data as to where the location of untznius billboards, strip clubs, movie theaters, kosher style restaurants with unreliable hechsherim, and modern orthodox neighborhoods where married so called “frum women” do not cover their hair- with this knowledge the Glatt Kosher GPS can lead you on a straight path of frumkeit while giving you some crazy direction to steer clear of these tempting places of sin.

Imagine if such a device existed and the directions given to you could steer you around such places of sin like times square, the large strip club on the Nassau Expressway on the way to the five towns and those unznius billboards on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, now imagine if you never had to see the horrors of the untznius women traveling the bike lanes in Williamsburg. This dream could come true with the glatt kosher GPS.

Other programs could be downloaded to the GPS as well. Imagine if the person giving you directions was non other then your favorite Rebbe, imagine the nachas you can have from having Rav Elyashav giving you directions, that would be pimp. What if you wanted directions in Yiddish or Hebrew, we could do that too.

Other programs in the works are, minyan times, zmanim, minyan factory locations in case its 3 in the afternoon and you haven’t davened shachris yet. There is even a program called the hocker deal of the day- which includes deals found by official hockers on everything from car leases, cell phone plans, good investment properties in Newark, who serves cholent on Tuesday afternoon and where you may be able to get your passport in under three hours.

Now if only someone could invent a virtual davening program so no one would ever have to miss minyan again- that would be cool- but deadly because I guarantee the obesity rates in the frum community would rise more drastically then when Dougies first became the most popular place to eat.

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