After 20 years of single life my father is getting remarried, its kind of shocking to tell you the truth and I have slowly been letting it sink in. I never actually thought he would remarry, I mean after someone dates someone for 8 years you feel that they will just stay their current course of togetherness without having to actually commit to anything, I think my father liked it like that, but something did change. He decided after years of decay to renovate our apartment on the upper west side, this in itself was shocking- our apartment was very dumpy, plaster from the ceiling used to fall on unsuspecting visitors, our toilet needed at least 3 pumps to flush anything besides water down and the walls were filled with posters of skiers launching themselves off of cliffs and half naked women giving you the stare.
During the renovation my father placed almost everything in some storage room in the ghetto and then shacked up with me in Monsey. When I told him I was moving to Texas I don’t think he believed me, when I actually did it I think he panicked. I’m serious, my father “announced” he was getting married right when I arrived in Texas and right when my brother had just taken a flight to Israel for a year of post grad school yeshiva. Pissed would be the right word, I mean to announce your getting married to a girlfriend of 8 years when both of your kids mov e thousands of miles away is not very nice, I think it was the first time I have been seriously mad at my dad in 15 years. I just think it was a bit selfish thats all.
But lets get back to thoughts on my dad actually getting remarried, you may have noticed the remark about posters of half naked women on our walls prior to renovation, this wasn’t my fathers doing, but it was the type of house he lived in. He lived in a professional bachelor pad, and rarely wore anything besides for underwear- I do wonder if he will wear underwear around his new wife and step daughters, what a pain. Wait a second I just realized I now have step sisters and don’t even know their names- holy crap! This is worse then I thought.
Actually the worst thing about the whole situation is that my father, who has spent 30 years on the upper west side is giving it all up to move to Far Rockaway, possibly the worst place someone can live, especially someone like my father who likes to roam the woods and ride his bike around the park. No offense to Far Rockaway, I hear its a nice to place to live, but I hate it, and in my family of three wilderness loving men I can’t believe the one who planted the seeds would move there instead of somewhere a little closer to the woods like New Jersey or something- oy the heartache.
My father is hard to explain, I hope to get some footage of him for you tube at some point because he is hilarious, but he is basically the essence of a clueless man. I am serious, he is very spaced out and doesn’t pay attention to normalities or formalities, after all our family was known for its friday night dinners in our underwear.
I am also wondering how my fathers social life will change, he is kind of like me- tons of friends but by nature a loner. Will he still go to singles events and hang out with all his married friends who also go to those events because they were single so long and only know those specific singles events?
I myself am kind of mad not at him or at anyone, I don’t mind his future wife at all, she’s a nice woman and treats him well. Didn’t say I loved her, but what I am mad about is this. Will my father still be able to leave and go with me on weekends at friends houses or whatever? Or does he have to bring her along, you know I kind of like bringing my dad with me to my friends houses- sounds weird doesn’t it? But now with her in the picture it becomes a whole megillah.
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Omg this is one super rant. I don’t feel you, but I feel you.
I can only imagine how this must hit you, esp now that you describe you two as buddies. This is soooo over.
But consider the Rockaway move a blessing. In my humble -outsider- op, the upper west side is the worst place to live. Either you’re depressed, or you’re a psychiatrist.
The upper west side is judged based solely on its singles scene- I grew up there and loved it, everything in one place- no car needed and the easiest access to parks and museums around.
mazel tov. May they be zoche to build a bayis neeman b’yisrael.
My stepmother came into the picture when I was 12. To this day, she still makes sure my dad and I have some (just me and abba) time together when I visit (nowadays, that consists of running errands like food shopping, or whatever he needs to do on a Sunday; I realize they’ve got a nuclear family going on there of which I’m not a part, and when I visit, I do my best to blend into their day, whatever it is that happens to be going on). Change and a parent moving from your childhood home can be hard — I understand — been through it with both parents. Step-siblings, half-siblings, too. Though Far Rockaway’s not too far from me, I can understand your country-loving butt not being a fan. Nickerson Beach in Lido (Long) Beach offers legal campsites on Long Island and isn’t too far from there. There are plenty of swamps there, too. My grandmother’s on the water, if you need a place to launch your kayak, and there are bike trails on the Meadowbrook and Wantagh Parkways to Jones Beach. Yeah, they’re mostly paved, but they’re better than nothing. It takes a special kind of love to marry someone with kids. I’m sure this wasn’t a decision that was made lightly. Keep in mind, your stepmother might welcome the chance to have time just her and her girls (during which you and your brother may be able to take off with your pop). May the transition go as smoothly as possible for all of you.
totally hear you on this one.
my dad is getting remarried in a couple of weeks (it’s barely a year and a half since my mother A’H passed away, not 20 years) so i know it’s not easy, whenever and wherever this is happening.
maybe all dads are hard to explain cos i don’t get mine either.
it’s all just really weird.
????? ???.
I mean, mazel tov. (I guess…) Maybe he will convert his wife into a nature loving kind.
She might be into nature- but I just dislike Far Rockaway
TRS- What the heck is a “bayis neeman b’yisrael”? Everybody at the wart, engagement party and 7Brachos keeps talking about it. I was at Home Depot last week and told the handyman on duty that my friend was building a bayis neeman b’yisrael and could he help me out with the basics. He thought I was crazy
MAZAL TOV
Hesh, did you really expect your father to petrify (like in freeze) himself into a museum of your childhood memories?
You should be happy that there’s a woman willing to take him. Do you and your brother want to get stuck with the responsibility? Middle age becomes old age much too quickly.
Say “baruch shepatrani” and enjoy your freedom. G-d willing you’ll find the right lady, too.
Hesh -
First off mazl tov.
Batya’s comment is spot on. did you expect him to stay locked into your childhood memories?
I am not a pshrynk but I think you are facing a bit of your own crisis – real adulthood. It has now become very clear to you that you can not go home again. Even though you haven’t lived in the professional bachelor’s pad in a while, it was still home. Lot’s of memories, good and bad. Now it will be gone.
Be happy for your Dad. And Batya is right, middle age becomes old age much too quickly. It sucks to grow old and it is much worse to do it alone.
Again, mazal tov!!!
Unfortunately at some point we all have to realize that our parents are people with their own lives independent of our own.
If you are worried that he won’t be able to come on random adventures with you anymore, here’s a way to deal with that: TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.
of course now is when he announced it, cause his children just both moved away, leaving him behind. Would you have been able to go on those random adventures anyway, if you are living in Dallas and he is living in NY?
Also your dad has been dating her for 8 years and you’ve never met her kids? What’s up with that?
I don’t want to be pithy, see as this is a serious post, but Far Rockaway is a level of hell for me. I was there for three days last September and couldn’t wait to get out.
Wow…big news yo.
And yeah, that place was a real dump. I was afraid to touch stuff lest they crumble.
Batya etc have a point. You definitely dont want to care of your old man.
Also, take into consideration that your dad might feel extra lonely with you in Texas and your bro overseas.
Have you ever met your future step sis’s? Are they hot?
Nevealiza: I have no idea, I don’t have one yet. Any suggestions?
wow that really sucks…you sound a little territorial over your dad and i think that’s okay. is he getting married or did he already get married? if he did the whole everything already i’m gonna get pissed too!
My mother remarried this year. I found out the week before the wedding, which was fine because I felt neither pressure nor desire to fly 6000 miles to the wedding. It’s her life. What did surprise me is the number of people who were very surprised when I said that I didn’t go. I’m 34. The guy she married is her husband – but I have no urge to start developing a relationship with someone who lives in a different country. Her life, her wedding, mazal tov, I’m pleased she’s happy, and that’s it.
Does your dad know about this blog? More, does he know about your feelings?
While it’s hysterical, I think he is so into finally ending all the pressure he’s been getting for so long about finally marrying her that maybe he doesn’t realize how you feel. You can talk to him, I am sure that he’ll listen. More, he’ll be so eager to get out of the house and away from her kids that he’ll go biking/ hiking/ whatever with you happily whenever you want, starting soon after the weedding when he realizes that he has moved away from everyone he knows and likes. He won’t fit into the community there too well, he’s too fre-thinking.
See you at the wedding!
I havent got passed the 8 years of dating without u meeting the daughter(s)
Hesh,
Maybe hew finally decided to get married now that both you and your brother are far away, that way his wife won’t be infringing on the time he spent with you when you were around. Eight years is a long time for a couple to remain unmarried unless your Gene Simmons who seems to be happy that way.
Weird how you never met the step sisters to be, even weirder that you don’t know their names.
Mazel Tov / Good luck with the new family situation, are you going to be best man?
Hesh, all your fans/friends/readers want the best for you and support you. Change is scary, even though Obama won with that as a slogan. It’s great in theory, but tough close up.
Think of all the great material you’ll have for standup with a stepmother and stepsisters.
Nu? What’s with your silence?
Nah its just that I know my dad- he did it out of convenience- he’s been mentioning it for five years. He could have done it when I lived in Rochester and my brother lived in Colorado this is not the first time that both of us were out of the house and far away.
I know why he did it- he did it because he had nowhere to live- its fine- but to do it after my brother saved up all this money to pay for a ticket to Israel and make him come back sheesh-
Sometimes we learn how to do things. Sometimes we learn how we’d rather not do things. Far Rockaway isn’t exactly utopia. Convenience has its costs. Hopefully, your father can afford them. Batya, et al, do make a great point. I thank my lucky stars my dad has my stepmother. They love each other, and she fulfills roles in his life neither of his daughters ever could. When I was a kid, my dad and I were totally like Batman and Robin (the TV show), did everything together. When I hit high school, I got my own life. I’m glad she came into the picture just before then. If not for her, I don’t know if my dad and I would’ve remained close, after my teen years. I was pretty mad re: religion, there, for a while. As for your stepsisters, I also think it’s kind of odd that you haven’t met ‘em, if your dad has been dating this woman for eight years, but I can also understand them both wanting to spend holidays with their own families and being together other times. Best case: one of her kids is your bashert. Worst case: they’re not your cup of tea, but at least you don’t have to deal with them often. You have enough friends to crash at in places you do like, when you need space. I’m with AE in encouraging you to talk to your pop re: your feelings, but I wouldn’t expect him to change his mind. Sucks about your brother needing to come back, fiscally; perhaps your pop may help him out with that?
I echo those who suggested talking to your father about how you feel (re “boys” time etc.), and those who mentioned how odd it is that he’s been dating her for eight years and you don’t even know her children’s names – what’s the deal with that?
I think your feelings are very normal, though I’m far from an expert. To you, he’s your dad first and change stinks sometimes.
Mazal Tov to him and his future wife, I wish them a lot of luck and love together – even if their timing stinks!!
The only thing I know about Far Rockaway is that the most psycho jerky guy I ever dated lives there. BTW I’m a lurker and enjoy your posts.
How does it feel that he found a shidduch before you
Congratulations. My parents divorced and remarried when I was too young to think deeply about it.
im not sure if “mazel tov” is the appropriate comment here, but ill say it anyway- mazel tov!
why dont u like far rockaway? its my favorite place in the east coast!
congratulations to your dad. you’ll get used to the idea of him getting married.
Mazal Tov!
Rick if I dated more then once every couple of months I am sure I could find someone- just not interested that much. Moving to Texas isn’t really conducive to finding a nice maidel.
far rockaway rocks
wow. good luck. lots and lots of luck. and ye, cheers to ur dad.
My grandfathers both died when I was seven. One grandmother moved to Las Vegas in a month, had a man move in with her within two months, and married in eight months. I met some of my step-cousins at the wedding. After twelve and a half years, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never get to know them or my step-grandfather.
I haven’t talked to my own blood aunt since her kidney transplant about two and a half years ago, nor my blood uncle since the birth of his daughter (a few months later).
**sighs**
Self-disclosure is liberating.
I think I will email my grandmother now.
Something good came from your post!
My pops found a shidduch before me or my Bro were of age to date…
The whole situation is messed up, my bro can’t really explain everything because there are plenty of people that read this blog including our father.
I know the sisters names, but thats about it…
In the end I’m happy if he is happy and so is “frum”, but when it comes down to it were just basically not to sure he is.
Well my dad is getting remarried to a chinese lady (nothing against chinese people but she still lives in China) that I have never me. It is disgusting. What if she is a bitch? What if I hate her?
While understanding how a girl wants her dad and buddy to always be available and never change; I think it’s pretty selfish to not be happy for your dad. Perhaps he waited for you and your brother to grow-up and pursue your own ambitions before moving on with his.
One thing is guaranteed in life: change. Try to embrace it and make the best of it! I’m sure you can find something good to focus on and be happy about.