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Childrens games help end shidduch crisis and promote tznius

Hat tip to fellow blogger Sara who gave me the idea over facebook

From the beginning of time one of the ways to give shape and mold children to their liking. Cultures have created games, just look at famous childrens games like cops and robbers- they are purely propaganda to make children think a certain way. I was told that candy land, was actually made by Hersheys in order to convince children that eating candy was a good thing, it had grants from the American Dental Association as well for obvious reasons, kosher land was just another way for Jews to cash in on the obvious profits and so it goes.

Frum community leaders in their effort to fight the ever increasing threats from the outside, mainly materialism, advanced education, lack of tznius and other things blamed on secular society- has recently started a games movement. Frum community leaders have debated the issue for a long time and with the latest news report of Chassidim sleeping around they have decided to create games and convince the cool kids at shul to tell their friends that these games are the hottest thing since running into shul and knocking little kids over for your candy take during an ufruf.

Tznius Police:
The classic cops and robbers has taken on a new twist, instead of cops chasing robbers, the vaad hatznius chases little girls with water guns filled with bleach. Complaints of the games violence factor have already appeared, but the Rabonim are convinced that those signs in Meah Shearim have no effect, but if we start them off young, maybe those girls will dress a little more tznius. Since the children are younger then bar and bas mitzvah the Rabonim have been mekel on beat downs as well, they have allowed for light beatings to show those untznius girls who is boss.

Shabbos Riots:
Toted as a form of one way dodge ball, shabbos riots is a new game without any rules. It is common for little kids to be riding their bikes, toy cars or scooters on shabbos and although it may be allowed, the Rabbis believe that this leads to general driving on shabbos. Because if one is allowed to drive their playmobil car as a kid Kal Vachomer they should be able to drive as an adult. With the economic crisis bearing down hard in frum communities, it makes people have second thoughts when they are about to throw a perfectly good fruit at the car (I havent seen stones in shabbos riots for years- eggs are rarely used because that would be goyishe and similar to Halloween) so the Rabbis have little kids throw their legos and other toys at their classmates seen riding bikes or toy cars around the neighborhood.

Shidduch Land: (for girls)
Forget candy land, forget kosher land, its now called shidduch land. Many people are trying progressive ideas to help fight the crisis that is ravaging in our communities. Community leaders blame secular culture and an increasing education amongst women which they say is making them more feminist.

Move your pieces along the board which follows all the correct choices you should make in order to receive a good shidduch. Complete with side trips to the best seminaries for extra points, the best certificate programs so you can become a medical biller or stenographer without being exposed to a real college education. Lose points for things such as not having enough money to support a kollel boy, or being caught wearing red or too much makeup. Gain points for attending the right camps, nursery school and having the most yichus points from landing on yichus spots with different Rebbe pictures on them.

Heimishe Monopoly:
I am certain that copyright infringement lawsuits will be brought so you better head down to your local seforim store to buy this game before they ban it- similar to ghetto monopoly which came out a few years ago. Heimishe monopoly is basically the same theme as regular monopoly except prime real estate is completely different.

The cities and places you can buy are based on their kedusha value according to the Rabbonim, so places like the upper west side, any out of town community without a sizeable heimishe population or some sort of Lakewood community kollel or vaad hatznius ranks real far down. The properties connomly known as Park Place and Broadway have been changed to Bnai Brak and Meah Shearim. The green properties have been changed to Kiryas Yoel, Williamsburg and New Square, and only when you get to the Yellows do you come to regular places with non-chassidishe yidden as well. Like Lakewood, Monsey and Borough Park.

Instead of Railroads you can buy different stops along the Monsey Trails mechitza bus line. If you land on spaces like caught with your pants down, smuggling drugs or white collar crime you go to jail and pay a kenas. Instead of hotels on properties you build shuls or yeshivas to save on property taxes.

Build a Resume:
Kind of like bringing the whole fun of Build a Bear home with you, build a resume will have the girls screaming with delight. The whole premise of these interactive game is to see which girl can build the best shidduch resume. People compete for options like who gets to sat they went to BJJ or Camp Tubby, or who has the best yichus- we just have to convince them while they are young that in the long run they actually mean nothing in the shidduch process and its all about externals like money, family yichus and schools. It also helps develop their shidduch resume skills and hopefully it will help them in getting a good position.

Hungry Hungry Chossid:
Does anyone remember the game hungry hungry hippos? Well with the popularity of the hit sing Im a hippopotamus by the Marveous Midos Machine it was deemed kosher, but in todays society having little girls and boys come in contact with non-kosher animals in any way shape or form is assur (hence the reason we have taught little frum kids to be scared of dogs and run across the street) so we have created a similar version of the game called Hungry Hungry Chossid for kinderlach. Little cholent balls are what you are after and whoever eats the most wins. The game was subsidized by Getty in Monsey and Deli 52 in Boro Park.

If you liked this post you may like these as well:

Chumra Research Institute

Ridiculous Questions from Shadchuns

Chumra Police create Frum Cars

What chumras and bans will they think of next

{ 24 comments… add one }
  • jennthejewess December 1, 2008, 1:07 PM

    Funny Hesh- I miss these posts!!!

  • daintysplendor December 1, 2008, 1:26 PM

    well i think there already exists some kind of chassidische monopoly where you go to jail if you were caught speaking Hebrew. I guess I saw it in Antwerp.

  • Frum Punk December 1, 2008, 1:55 PM

    You actually managed to make me laugh with this one! Great post! 😀

  • Frum Satire December 1, 2008, 2:00 PM

    Frum Punk: Have I been that bad lately?

    Jenn I know- but I can’t force them out- whatever comes to my head I write- the idea came last week but when I sat down to write it, it just flowed forth. (that sounds awfully biblical)

  • friend O' Hesh December 1, 2008, 2:28 PM

    finally, been waiting for a post like this one for a while now. hilarious

  • Left Brooklyn December 1, 2008, 2:37 PM

    Classic Frumsatire

  • s(b.) December 1, 2008, 2:38 PM

    well done. I love the games for girls and the monopoly.

    A Tzivos Hashem board game (winner gets to welcome moshiach?) (I mean a real game, not a funny one) would be kind of cool. I loved Tzivos Hashem, when I was little. It could be modeled after LIFE, and take players through childhood to bar mitzvah or chuppah, maybe, with stops to visit people in the hospital, bring food to shut-ins, other good stuff like that.

    There is a whole niche for kashrut-related (humorous) games just waiting to be invented, as well, I just don’t have my brain working that creatively right now. Supermarket-related, maybe?

  • Mordy Ovits December 1, 2008, 2:44 PM
  • shevers December 1, 2008, 3:16 PM

    This was a funny clue.

    One moztoei Shabbos I was playing clue with a rabbi, hi wife and a few frummies. We thought of creating a Lubavitch House Clue. (Based off of our Chabad house which is in an old mansion).

    So like “It was Bobby the cook in the kitchen with the cleaver” or “It was Jim the cleaning guy in the kiddush room with the chair” or “It was the Rabbi in the Mikvah with the lamp”…. with everything including a secret passageway connecting the Rabbis’ offices.

    So…. within that line how about 770 Clue??!?!


  • shevers December 1, 2008, 3:17 PM

    I meant to say “This was a funny post”.

  • Frum Punk December 1, 2008, 3:44 PM

    No, but like Jenn said, you havent done these type of posts in a while. Glad to see you havent lost it.

  • Phil December 1, 2008, 3:44 PM


    Glad to you’re back to your old funny self again, these posts are great, Monopoly rules!

  • Left Brooklyn December 1, 2008, 4:50 PM

    How about games to teach business ethics? Or how to prepare your income taxes? Or how to treat illegal, non-English speaking aliens? Or the ultimate business game, “The Cash Business”

  • Lakewood Falling Down December 1, 2008, 5:09 PM

    nice. my brother often sings “hungry hungry Rabbis” while at kiddushes.

  • Frum Satire December 1, 2008, 5:27 PM

    Left Brooklyn: Was that geared at all of the Rubashkins wannabes?

    Shevers It was the rabbi in the mikvah with a lamp- sounds a little creepy to me- kind of like it was the Rabbi in Telse with 3 other bochrim.

  • hasidic feminist December 1, 2008, 8:51 PM

    great material for stand-up

  • coolyiddishemama December 1, 2008, 9:00 PM

    Great post, Hesh! Kids have to get brainwashed young…

  • Mikeinmidwood December 1, 2008, 11:43 PM

    Rotflol (rolling on the floor laughing out loud). There should be some sort of battle ship game, where you have two sons trying to gain control of one chossidus.

  • Anita December 1, 2008, 11:50 PM

    very funny!!! 🙂

    loved the post!

  • Frum Satire December 2, 2008, 1:49 AM

    Mike that is a great idea- i

  • Left Brooklyn December 2, 2008, 8:42 AM

    Hesh – the Rubashkins just took it to new heights.

  • Dag December 4, 2008, 10:21 AM

    We used to play a version of “Steal the Bacon” at Pirchei. Of course, We couldnt call the game steal the Bacon (C’V), so we called it steal the cholent.

    Bacon is Assur Gamor, stealing, on the other hand….

  • Anonymous September 21, 2011, 12:45 PM

    Are any of these real? I would totally buy the Heimishe Monopoly, it’s hilarious.

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