I have been in Texas a little over a week and already its growing on me, it may be the phenomenal mountain biking, kick ass skate parks or the fact I haven’t used my horn since I have gotten here- but I am having a ball. I was in shul the other night and was invited to a thanksgiving meal hosted by two brothers who live in my neighborhood- real friendly fellows so I said why not? After all I probably would have spent it by myself with a plate of steamed spinach and scrambled eggs, wondering if anyone loved me or not.
The county I live in used to be dry, as in no alcohol can be bought here, it isn’t anymore but some gas station owners still think it is. I finally found a place that sold beer and they wouldn’t sell it to me. But I will be 27 in a month made no difference to the defiant owners who said I looked awfully young and my license was out of state, I felt demeaned and to bat there was this super cutie also buying booze who who told me none of her friends ever had a problem- I wanted to say, I don’t think anyone with that body ever has problems.
Luckily there was a 7-11 across the street, you can always count on the Indians to sell you booze without citing legal jurisdictions regarding out of state licenses that were fake. I might add that I offered my passport which was in my car, but they refused saying in a nut shell that it was probably fake, they said I looked 17. Funny how I always look older when the deal requires you to be younger and younger when ID is required. I am consistently carded for R movies at those ghetto movie theaters that require ID at night because they reason that anyone over 18 is mature enough to leave the guns at home.
The friendly brown man behind the counter didn’t bother asking for ID and I felt like a kid again, a kid buying that porno for the first time and mumbling something about leaving my ID at home and clutching that paper bag so tightly so no one would know what treasures lay inside, they all knew I realize now, but then I figured I was slick.
I bounced off to my hosts and started fantasizing about food, after all thanksgiving is about robbing the Indians of their land, wait I just bought beer from Indians for 3 dollars more then it should have been, bastards!
So I get inside and all these firm manly handshakes are going around and I am not remembering anyone’s name but that’s fine. I hear some thick and not so thick southern accents, foot ball is on the big screen TV and it’s a regular old happens to be orthodox thanksgiving dinner atmosphere. I always find thanksgiving to be a little odd because when you sit down you just eat, there are no speeches, no divrei torah and no Kiddush or hamotzy, I kind of wish shabbos was like that. All the food served at once, no gefilte fish filler course to fatten people up with chrain and challah before the real meal comes.
I have noticed that men have real handshakes in Texas, you give a dead fish and I guarantee there will be some good old gay bashing going down later on. Even the old men give firm handshakes, such a pleasure. I meet a whole bunch of different folks and don’t remember any of their names, but I am overjoyed at the friendliness of everyone, I have been to family thanksgiving meals done by relatives of mine and I felt more comfortable at this meal then I did at relatives.
The people I ate by are real Texans, not the type that say “I wasn’t born here but moved as fast as I could” they are 8th generation Americans and very interesting to talk to, in fact everyone was very interesting. The conversation ranged to a bunch of people singing the song “Oh Donna” to who wrote Blazing Saddles with Mel Brooks, to the founders of the grocery store concept, to pawn shop diamonds, to new applications for the Iphone, to 5 terrabyte hard drives on sale for black Friday, to some other Richie Vallens song, to guns (these Texans love their guns)
Speaking about guns, everyone has a gun here, the people I ate by tonight own an arsenal. Its just a way of life for most folks, I have plenty of friends who own firearms and pack heat as well, but rarely is it talked about so openly- its enjoyable for I happen to be a gun fan and a believer of the “every Jew a .22” concept although I think it should be .44 magnums or something of the sort.
So it was buffet and I am sure you knew I would have to get to the food portion sometime. Turkey was phenomenal, these people are foodies, they did it right. Sweet potato with walnuts or pecans, cranberry relish. Not one but three kinds of stuffing. Bread stuffing was the best, then they had corn bread stuffing with or without mushrooms. To say the least I ate quite a bit, then for desert I had many pieces of Pecan Pie, pronounced pecaan not pecan.
I had a ball and hung around for over 3 hours chatting and listening to some interesting and funny conversation.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Hesh,
good to hear that you are enjoying Turkey with your rifle bearing friends down there in Texas….
those ‘Indian’ comments man— not so cool–
at least call them ‘Native People’ or look up politically correct phrases MAN!!!
from one ‘kike to the next’
xoxoxo–
Glad to hear you enjoyed yourself. Skateboard parks are a good sign that the the city government understands the needs of the commnunity and the importance of outlets for kids (and also bloggers who take their kids to the parks and look like geeks with their helmets on, watching kids wearing shirts with band that were around long before said kids were even born).
Pecan Pie is always a treat.
I know you’re a satire blog, but absolutely no mention of India on a Jewish blog?
Hey YO – The Native American Vs. American Indian thing isn’t so clear cut.
Most people in Wisconsin prefer American Indian (The American Indians that is) while all the white people insist on Native American.
ya these texans are awesome, we board at the other brothers house around the block.
adyos amigo
Guy in TTI your people invited me for next week actually so I will probably be there for dinner.
Hesh,
Head up Coit to Plano Parkway, Mr. G’s has an awesome Beer store, they also have a book with all the out of state/province licenses, it was the only place that accepted my Quebec license that didn’t have picture ID at the time.
As for guns, you can pick up your “Clint Eastwood special” at your local Walmart, blew my mind first time I saw it, coming from Canada where handguns are illegal.
The family of the jewish kid who was my best friend in junior high were also gun nuts. The father also had a thing for hand made knives. I remember he gave me this cool pocket knife which I still had well into my 20s.
Pecan trees grow everywhere in central/north Texas. The house we lived in while I was in high school had 3 in the front yard so I never lacked for snacks. When I took my wife to Texas for the first time, she’d never seen pecan trees and was surprised that while we were out walking I’d just pickup pecans off the sidewalk, shuck em and eat em.
Glad you are having a good time in Texas!
I am having a ball in Texas
The more Jews throughout the world have guns (and use them with no hesitation when necessary), the better off we will be. Want to be a Zionist? Be a 2nd Amendment supporter.
I don’t think Mumbai would happen in Texas. The terrorists would be shot by everyone in seconds.
“I wondered earlier today how a mere ten terrorists could bring a city of 19 million to a standstill. Here in the U.S., I don’t think it would happen. I think we have armed security guards who know how to use their weapons, supplemented by an unknown number of private citizens who are armed and capable of returning fire. The Indian experience shows it is vitally important that this continue to be the case. This is a matter of culture as much as, or more than, a matter of laws.” (source)
Something for all morons who oppose 2nd Amendment to think about.
Also, I am yet to meet an Indian with a strong handshake. What can you expect from a nation of vegetarians?
Crawling Axe,
People in North America are “sitting ducks” for something like this to happen, we’re just to used to our freedom.
My South African relatives are shocked every time they visit, due to the lack of security around shuls and schools. In South Africa (Johanesburg) , no Jew walks the streets alone, they have armed escorts walking to shul and back. All homes have electric barb wire fences that are over 10 feet high. The people all have handguns. Despite all these measures, the black gangs still managed to find ways to break in to rob, rape and murder Jews/whites on a regular basis. Over 25,000 murders are reported every year in that city alone.
To think that a few gun carrying citizens can prevent terrorism is ridiculous. Just look at what happened a few years back when the Washington sniper terrorized the entire city by randomly killing a few people filling up gas. Everyone was afraid to go anywhere. Now imagine a dozen snipers in a dozen major US cities, the entire country of 350 million people would be upside down on account of a few lunatics with pistols, despite having the most powerful army, the most nukes, etc.
We need to get smart, get organized, get armed security at our institutions, the sooner the better.
“Also, I am yet to meet an Indian with a strong handshake. What can you expect from a nation of vegetarians?”
LOL
PHIL:
i agree that we are sitting ducks here. it isn’t a matter of if but rather when.
on the other hand, you are ignoring that terrorists that have been killed in israel by civilians. for example:
http://info.jpost.com/C002/Supplements/CasualtiesOfWar/2002_02_22.html
moderation again?
Lion –
Israel is safer than anywhere else when it comes to security. With all the unfortunate experiences they have had over the past 20 years, they are very alert. Furthermore, a huge percentage of the population has been trained by the IDF and carrying guns or automatic weapons. Anyone going on a rampage there is likely to be killed within seconds.
We in North America don’t walk around armed or trained as the Israelies are. Imagine 75% of people in Times Square carrying AK47′s as they do in downtown Jerusalem.
Furthermore, our instituitions (shuls, schools, restaurants) are free for all to walk in, some schools mught buzz you in duting school hours if they are strict. Our public transportation systems don’t have anyone screening for potential terrorists either.
This is why we are sitting ducks until God forbid, one of these groups decides to take advantage of our virtually non existent security.
I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in your new home and community! It sounds like a friendly place.