Kelsey Media

Is CalmKallahs.com just Frum porn in disguise

36 comments

This is not a paid advertisement- I shall say if and when it is.

For those of you that have never visited CalmKallahs.com you should get your butts over there for possibly the funniest frum forum on the web. Calm Kallahs is supposedly a wedding planner site, but I think thats just the cover up because I have no doubt in my mind, they knew what a gold mine it was to have a frum sex forum.

When visiting Calm Kallahs simply head over to the forum section and you will notice four separate forums with “intimate” in the headings. But thats not all, clicking on “Newlywed matters” will bring you to posts featuring wedding night tips, bikini and tichel, and one entitled “doggie” which is about someone trying to figure out what doggy style is- hilarious as I said.

You can also click on the halacha forum to find out if you can get a heter for masturbation, if your wife can swallow your seed, or if you can get kinky and let others watch you have sex. Obviously its just another excuse for horny “frum” young men and women to post about topics which they really don’t halachically care about because its all too obvious. I mean who in their right minds would think its halachically ok for others to watch you have sex, jeez!!!

But people don’t come (no pun intended) to Calm Kallahs to talk about halacha and newlywed matters, they really come to look at and once in a while reply to the threads on the Intimate Matters for men or women forums. Just based on views vs. postings alone you might say that people are just here for the closest thing imaginable to frum porn. It seems a bit odd to have a forum with 2 threads and 2,000 views.

There are so many interesting and hilarious forums on Calm Kallahs I cannot really get to it all, in fact you all can tell me in the comments anything really whack you found on the site. Its one of those sites that is amazing for killing time and providing you with lots of laughs. If your in the market for frum porn, it is really the closest thing you can get- I mean where else do you have frum people talking about getting it on in the bathroom at a Shweky concert or whether or not some folks do it through a sheet.

I am shocked that this site has not been banned or shut down yet…

  • Anonymous

    And then there are all those people that post answers to questions urging the original poster to just ask their rav or kallah teacher blablabla. If they wanted to ask their rav, why would the post online??
    Have you only just discovered Calm Kallahs recently???

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Nah but I did recently discover that I could leave links to my site and get tons of traffic- its almost as good as craigslist for marketing.

  • http://estinreveritas.blogspot.com/ dina

    did you see the Saga of Joe? over 100 pages as of a few months ago. Basically, this guy has the hots for his wife’s friend and endures Moral Agony over it. How, he asks, is he to Stay Strong and keep himself from taking it Further? Epic, I tell you. Along the way, he gives so many details that people who live in the same town are sure to have figured it all out – unless, of course, we are talking about Imaginary Friends.

  • Seriously?

    Two points for ya.
    One notice how every post degenerates into an argument between the regulars who are convinced that said poster is a teenage male posing as A: a kollel wife B: a lesbian C: a kollel wife lesbian and those who dont care who posted it as long as its good reading…

    Secondly, and I cant stress how much this gets to me, THERE ARE REGULARS ON CALM KALLAHS! I mean its one thing to secretly peek at the articles when its not seder (i jest) but to be proud of doing nothing all day but in essence looking at frum porn? SERIOUSLY?

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Thanks for the insight Dina-

  • http://blog.ookamikun.com Moshe

    CalmKallahs is awesome, much better than yahoo’s frumsex.

    One of my friends posted something personal after I told him about the site and from the username and writing I guessed who it was. First he tried denying it and then he said it’s him but that I shouldn’t tell my wife in case she tells his wife.

  • http://crawlingaxe.blogspot.com Crawling Axe

    I liked the story about a cheider rabbi who was teaching his former students (now engaged) that “a part of female ervah called clitoris” needs to be stimulated.

  • http://www.frumlibrarian.blogspot.com Frum Librarian

    I agree the Calm Kallahs is hilarious and ridiculous but I could see it being very valuable to people who cannot discuss sex with their friends. When I was first married I had my one married friend who I knew I could go to with my “Oh my gosh, I never knew this!” kind of questions. I’m sure there are frum girls (and guys) out there who really don’t have anyone to talk to. Plus if they took it down, what would all these people do for entertainement? Maybe they’d turn to real porn….

  • calm, horny, and proud

    As as single girl- I get my kicks ( and then some ) on this site. My favorite of all time was literally titled FANTASIES- where “frum “dude depicted a scene in which he brutally spanks his partner while thinking about his Rov….classic! Which then led to kollel lady filling us in on her hots for her lady friend….aint nobody calm, aint nobody a kallah- but this is some fun times!

    • tinok shenishba

      one of my favorite comments ever.

  • A23

    This thread title is pretty funny:
    “Songs to Shtup to”

  • mussar shtick

    There’s less and less that’s frum about your site these days, hesh.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    I never said my site was frum- frum comedy does not necessarily have to be frum. But if you must know- I go through my stages- you should take a look at my older stuff if you really want to see “not frum”

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    That site is the orthodox equivalent of soft porn. You mentioned it a while back, I checked it out had a few laughs, but never went back, it’s simply too corny. I have no doubt somwhere behind the scenes you have some underage perverts giggling away while inventing stupid posts.

    On a similar note, one of my friends runs imamother.com along with his wife. They have all sorts of mechanisms and moderators in place to avoid having men enter the “women only” part of the site which discusses feminine topics. Still, he somehow busts guys in their all the time, they usually don’t return when he threatens to tell their wives.

    If porn is what people are looking for, the internet is THE place to be for free hardcore porn, concoted by all sorts of deviant, perverted minds. Why anyone would resort to something stupid like veiwing Jewish posts about menstruation in order to get off, is beyond me.

    I’m sure there is a small percentage of legitimate issues / topics on there , but like you said, the site owners found a niche and are probably laughing all the way to the bank.

  • http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com abandoning eden

    wow, i kinda hate you for posting a link to this site, I can’t stop reading what people are posting there…it’s such a different view of sex then I am normally exposed to., and fascinating from a sociological perspective…

  • jennthejewess

    When I first found Calm Kallahs sometime last yr i spent hours on it…it was the funniest thing ever…me and my friends used to discuss it non stop…
    But as we all know its unlikely that most of the posts are by the ppl they claim to be. I mean they sound like a bunch of horny bored teenagers. Either way its so entertaining that i stopped going on cuz id get sucked in…esp with the joe saga as Dina mentioned…
    Its seriously the best thing that happened to “frum” ppl on the internet

  • http://choonee7074@yahoo.com Choonee7074

    A lively discussion forum of sexual issues for Orthodox Jews can be found on the Web site of a wedding-planning company called Calm Kallahs, or brides.

    Marla Lemonik, Calm Kallahs’s owner, started the discussion board in 2005 because she found that many prospective brides were asking her about sex.

    “A lot of the brides felt they were too embarrassed to ask the questions at kallah classes and that they didn’t have anyone else to ask, so they asked someone they would never see again,” Ms. Lemonik said. “The whole point of the message boards is to give people a place to ask technical questions, for lack of a better word, because they felt so uncomfortable discussing it face to face.”

    -The New York Times, May 3, 2008

    http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/03/us/03religion.html

  • jewtard

    I wish to publicly thank Marla Lemonik for creating such a fanciful website. Whenever I get bored of 4chan or chanology forums, I troll calmkallahs, always resulting in much lulz.

    Todah

  • http://miriams--well.blogspot.com/ Sophia Harper

    This is both hilarious and very sick on some levels. It does make you think though… exactly how “frum” are these people REALLY.
    If they are willing to break the rules when it comes to sex, what other rules are they privately breaking. If you think its ok to break one rule you’ll find a way to substantiate breaking them all.

  • http://blog.ookamikun.com Moshe

    Most of the things discussed are not really rules, more like suggestions.

    If you’re married, you probably know about the lingerie store in boro park that sells stuff even victoria secret is not gonna sell.

    Couples that stick to missionary, at midnight, with all lights off and windows shaded are the ones getting divorced and husbands going to hookers.

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    When it actually comes down to the deed, I guarantee that there are more ultra machmir people wearing Victoria secrets than you can imagine. My sister sells extra long, blond, human hair sheitels to shaved women that never wear them out of the bedroom, they wear those funny stockings and hats when out of the house, tichels indoors.

    Bottom line is what people do or don’t do in their bedrooms should remain there, not be posted for some pre pubescent kids to look and giggle at. Then again, freedom of speech is our right, freedom to exploit that right ny the site owners is fair game when it comes to earning a living.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Phil I think that many of the people post or read it to feel justified in what they do- I almost feel like making a forum for people to publicly discuss all of the halachic rules they are breaking besides for sexual chumros.

  • MOUTHFULL

    The site seems obsessed with oral sex which I think is a rarity among Yiddin due to halachic constraints. I think the postings are as legitimate as the letters in the Jewish Press to that Family Issues column or to Dr. Respler or Rebitzen Jungreis

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Don’t know about you But everyone I know is obsessed with oral as well. Jews just dont know how to give it.

  • Eric

    I love that site – bordering on addiction – but the posts by that guy Telly really piss me off. I wish I could filter him out.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Frum Satire wrote: Jews just dont know how to give it.

    Perhaps you haven’t been with the right woman, Hesh (or any woman, because you’re not married, right? right.). And, um, speak for yourself.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    I am not married so I wouldn’t know but from um…what I have heard- its not one of their assets.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    May everyone’s spouses and/or basherts have skills to make everyone wonder why anyone would’ve ever said such a thing.

  • A. Nuran

    Sadly, it seems to be shut down.

  • anonymous

    It appears that /i/ struck again.

    “Someone” posted about calmkallahs on 711chan.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    What is 711chan

    By the way I am told that calmkallahs is gone

  • http://blog.ookamikun.com Moshe

    It’s not gone. They’re using free hosting which is currently down.

  • Vortmax

    You’re right, Hesh! What a great website!

  • http://ungvien.com.vn tuyen dung

    Heshy Fried takes humorous situations and idiosyncrasies inherent with living an observant lifestyle and rants about them in both a highly animated and humorous manner.I would describe him sort of as the “Frum Dennis Miller” ?http://frumsatire.net
    ______________________________

    tuyen dung | tim viec | viec lam

  • Alter Cocker

    The site is still up. Wow.

  • Alter Cocker

    However, this is what I found:

    Winding down

    Postby marla on Mon May 10, 2010 5:36 pm
    Unfortunately, I no longer have the time to devote to this site. I have far too much else going on my in life to give the site the time it really needs so it’s time for me to move on.

    If you or anyone you know is interested in purchasing the domain and trademark please email me. Otherwise, if no buyer is found, the site will not be coming back up after Shavuot as a forum. I’ll leave the content up for users to search through but there will no option to post new threads or answer existing ones.

    Thanks for understanding.