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I saw Barack Obama in shul

Not really but I witnessed someone in shul trying to use his economic policies as a way of controlling some children’s candy profits from an uf-ruf.

Upon walking into shul in Baltimore, I witnessed a young married guy with a kid in hand forcing 5 young kids with bags of candy to spread the wealth. His logic was that his kids were to young to have gotten as much as the older kids and he felt that his children deserved a cut so that they shouldn’t feel bad. Sounded like the famous Joe the Plumber speech about spreading the wealth around- to me.

My own similar story of how Obama economics taught me a lesson.

As a kid I was the man when it came to candy grabbing at uf-rufs. I would dive under benches, run around picking up candy bags as if I were a Sudanese family man running for a UN rice drop under a hail of bullets from Muslim radicals.

So this one particular shabbos when I was maybe 8 or so, I had a large take in my possession. I had worked hard for many years to perfect the art of uf-ruf candy grabbing and was good. So good that someone thought the other kids who were slackers and didn’t want to roll around on the floor like a moron in search of those peanut chews and red sunkist candies, should receive a percentage of my candy. Instead of merely asking me for a percentage like the government, he used a Robin Hood tactic and stole my candy in order to redistribute it to the other children who just weren’t such good workers.

Naturally I ran into shul crying to my father who was irked that someone besides him would discipline his children. So he marched out of laining to face the “farshtunkinah liberal” as he likes to say and ask him to lay of his issues.

A fight ensued and I can distinctly remember the entire shul stopping and turning around as if a bunch of flamboyant gay men had just entered a red neck bar in Wyoming. Next thing my father and this guy were going at it in back of the shul, cursing at each other. Then pushing, punching shoving and suddnely my dad grabbed the guys head by his pony tail (this was the Carlebach shul- mind you) and smashed his face into the side of the bench that you use to rest your head for a Rabbis sermon shluff.

Next thing I know, this man is gushing blood and screaming you broke my f%^%ing nose with blood pouring into my precious peanut chews and button candies as he dropped the bag and covered his bleeding face.

True story and to this day my father loves to tell it, as do his kids.

{ 28 comments… add one }
  • Jacob da Jew November 1, 2008, 7:17 PM


    I luv a good tussle. Your dad rocks, administering rough American justice.

  • Dofan Akuma November 1, 2008, 7:45 PM

    1. sorry you’re leaving monsey. i had wanted to go hiking with you. if you still wanna go on a hike before you leave give me a call.

    2. don’t buy into the republican bs that obama is a ‘socialist.’ this is simply the mccain campaign’s last-ditch effort to save his disaster of a run for office.
    every american tax policy ‘spreads the wealth around’ to some degree. generally democrats tax more than republicans. is any of this news? obama’s tax rate would basically be simply going back to the way they were before bush’s ‘temporary’ tax cuts. he has also managed it so that the higher tax burden would fall on the money people earn over $250,000. i have no idea why all these frum people who don’t earn close to that are so up in arms about ‘spreading the wealth around.’ people are just parroting the idiotic racist blather they hear on fm talk i suppose, but still.

  • Dave November 1, 2008, 9:21 PM

    I agree, your dad rocks. I came close to this with the Gabbai at my shul after he was shushing my kids in the LOBBY!

  • Mikeinmidwood November 1, 2008, 9:29 PM

    The dangers of too much candy.

  • Nemo November 1, 2008, 10:32 PM

    How were you in Baltimore if you were spotted in Philly on Friday afternoon?

  • Crawling Axe November 1, 2008, 11:42 PM

    Good job. Let ’em farshtunkeneh liberal hippies have it. Brilliant story too, underlining all problems with liberal thinking.

    The funny thing about liberals is they don’t really believe what they say themselves — it’s OK to sacrifice anything, as long as it gets in the way of “higher ideals”. Listening to terrorists speak with someone in the US is bad (liberals clearly don’t see a difference between military intelligence during the way and surveillance during police investigation), but looking into the records of Joe the Plumber to dig out some dirt on him is OK. After all, Joe asked a tough question to the Symbol. Taking money from the rich to give to the poor is the way to go — but when this poor is your own aunt, you yourself don’t want to give her anything; after all, what is welfare for?

    So, the pony-tailed guy probably wanted some candy for his own kids (or for himself).

  • Crawling Axe November 1, 2008, 11:45 PM

    By the way, you should’ve told the young married guy with a kid, “My father once smashed somebody’s face for less, you farshtunkeneh liberal.” Just to see expression on his face.

  • Frum Satire November 2, 2008, 12:44 AM

    Well I can’t say much because I myself am quite liberal in some instances- ever see the bumper sticker “liberal gun owner” thats me.

    Nemo I was visiting Berel in Philly on Friday and we hit up the parade. I had no idea you two knew each other.

  • Delia November 2, 2008, 2:05 AM

    wow, remind me never to upset your father eh.
    it was wrong of the man to take from a child, but it’s not worth getting one’s candy soaked in blood for.
    for some reason i wouldn’t mind making my siblings share their candy (i used to share mine), but i would never dream of forcing any one else’s children to do so. i don’t believe so much in spreading the wealth as i do in making sure everyone is taken care of. i guess i’m a young idealist.

  • Lion of Zion November 2, 2008, 2:46 AM

    “I came close to this with the Gabbai at my shul after he was shushing my kids in the LOBBY!”

    i actually came close to this once with the rabbi at my shul for shushing my kid, who by far is better behaved than all the adults. but the rabbi is afraid of the adults, so he figured he could pick on my kid.

  • utubefan November 2, 2008, 6:48 AM

    How was the parade? Was it completely out of control? We wish we could have taken off work to go.

  • tesyaa November 2, 2008, 7:00 AM

    All the frum folks are sure that THEY will be making 250K+ just as soon as their brother in law gets them set up in real estate– and I would have made this comment even before your hocker posting, this attitude is everywhere

  • Nemo November 2, 2008, 9:24 AM

    Actually, some friends came down from NYC for the parade, and they said that they saw you with someone else from a bus and they were banging on the window.

    I figured it was Berel, and thought I might see the two of you at Shul in Center City. He and I occasionally hang out at the shul there.

  • Frum Satire November 2, 2008, 11:20 AM

    Nemo that is hilarious- I was sitting across from Macabean eating a falafal and these people were banging on a bus window- we thought they were just cheering over the phillies.

    Well most frum folks who make 250k plus are doing it off the books. I am 26 and have had maybe 2 or 3 jobs paying on the books

  • Nemo November 2, 2008, 11:28 AM

    Funny thing is that I’ve lived in this town for two and a half months and I’ve never been to Macabeam yet … I had the inclination to go down there once, but then someone told me it was treif. Of course the next week it got its hechsher back …

    The joys of out-of-town Kosher living!

    These guys were actually with me at the Tea Lounge way back in the summer … one of them grew up here, so they came down to see what was going on.

  • Phil November 2, 2008, 12:04 PM

    You dad definitely rocks, I have some similar experiences with my dad. Coming from North Africa and being hot blooded, everyone knows not to mess with him, some of the bullies when we were kids learned that the hard way.

    Too bad we can’t get away with doing that sort of thing to the Govt. officials or the tax man.

  • Anonymous November 2, 2008, 12:48 PM

    There is a difference between taxing a population to raise revenue, and taxing a population as a means toward social/power equality. The former is just government the latter is….well…socialist

  • tiuny guy November 2, 2008, 4:26 PM

    “I would dive under benches, run around picking up candy bags as if I were a Sudanese family man running for a UN rice drop under a hail of….”

    so u are a freak.

  • Anonymous November 2, 2008, 7:30 PM

    TIUNY guy I sure hope you aren’t serious.

    Hesh – I miss these super descriptive posts – been good blogging lately.

  • Jelen November 2, 2008, 8:01 PM

    ahhh hahaha! i can totally imagine you wriggling around grabbing the candy!

  • Frum Satire November 2, 2008, 8:17 PM

    You knwo whats funny Jelen- in my shul the adults would all grab candy as well

  • Es November 2, 2008, 9:07 PM

    omg ur dad is insane!!!! but i agree, he does rock!
    how did u feel at age 8 about ur father beating someone up over ur candy?

  • Frum Satire November 2, 2008, 10:52 PM

    I remember being scared and pissed that my candy got all bloody. I was so proud though.

  • Chris_B November 3, 2008, 2:08 AM

    Hesh that is a great story!

  • Future Druggie November 3, 2008, 9:48 PM

    There are many frum folks who earn this. Take your typical New York City schoolteacher. If she’s been in the system for 20 years, she’s cutting 80 grand.

    The average attorney will make about this amount, so will your dentist.

    Physical therapists, nurses, pharmacists and physician assistants are also making close to 100 grand, as well as supervisors in the computer field.

    Basically, you have to be a good Jew and do the typical Jewish job thing to make decent money.

  • Anonymous November 4, 2008, 4:34 PM

    That is disgusting; is that the Jewish/American way: If you don’t like something, draw blood – even over something as minor as a bag of candies? Surely a word would have ensured the man give the candies back, even if he is thieving and curses in shul.
    I think the joke is on your father here. How barbaric and shameful.

  • Frum Satire November 4, 2008, 4:49 PM

    Well as I recall the man started getting in my fathers face and it went from angry words to pushing and shoving. You think someone would get violent in front of his kids for no reason at all.

    Definitely the American way but not the Jewish way. Luckily we weren’t in a place with CCW’s

  • Phil November 4, 2008, 7:10 PM

    I don’t know about modern American or Jewish way, it’s definitely “old school” no matter where you come from. Jews had to use their fists tfor self defence, teachers had to use sticks and straps to discipline kids, etc.

    In today’s politically correct world, you wouldn’t even want to shout out him for fear of being sued for harrassment, much less hit anyone, which would likely lead to imprisonment. Then you wonder why kids laugh at their parents and teachers authority and have zero discipline.

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