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Best ways to mess with BT’s during the High Holidays

Sequel to the original Best ways to mess with BT’s post.

Tell them that you cannot eat anything on succos resembling an etrog for fear of eating the actual etrog;

Tell them that they must not sleep at all on Rosh Hashanah;

Tell them to bow 5 times each time we do Alenu on Yom Kippur;

Tell them they must make an arbah minim salad after they are done with them, in order that the lulav and esrog will not go to waste;

Tell them to lean to the left while they eat in the sukkah;

Tell them that they must bang their hoshanos until all the leaves are gone to signify that all our sins will be gone as well;

Tell them to make a bracha each time they smell their esrog during davening;

Tell them that its a zechus to bid $613 for an aliyah;

Convince them that going to the bathroom is assur on Yom Kippur because it is pleasurable;

Tell them that at tashlich we begin to prepare for getting rid of our chometz;

Give them the lulav upside down;

Tell them to pull the pitom off right after they make a bracha on the four spices;

Scream with horror when you tell them their esrog is really just a bumpy lemon and they were screwed;

Tell them to do the rain dance when we pray for geshem;

Tell them that succos is a vegetarian holiday because we are trying to be one with the land;

Get them to read Megilas Esther instead of Koheles;

Get them to read Koheles to the tune of the Yardbirds song;

Tell them that during the aseres yimay teshuva is like Ramadan and you must fast every day to prepare for Yom Kippur;

Tell them that to keep the kids interested so late in davening its customary to run up to the kohanim during duchening and pull the talesim off and its a huge honor;

Its assur to spit on Yom Kippur because people may think you drank something;

Tell them that its assur to think about food on Yom Kippur and in the olden days people would get lashes for it;

Explain to them the sexual significance of lulavim;

Tell them that Chassidim use so many haddassim because it determines the amount of children you will have;

Tell them that after Yom Kippur they should check if they have a black and blue mark where they beat their chest to make sure they did proper teshuvah;

Any good ideas from you will be added to the list

{ 48 comments… add one }
  • Chavi October 27, 2008, 8:24 AM

    So I wonder. Do any of these things actually transpire?

    Poor BTs. I wonder what they tell the converts … 😉

  • Choosid of the Munkee Shpunka Rebbe October 27, 2008, 8:39 AM

    Tell them that they must not fondle the esrog, it brings on impure thoughts.

  • Left Brooklyn and never looked back October 27, 2008, 9:03 AM

    Tell them they must have special shoes for Yom Kippur (that are only worn on that day and no ther).

  • tesyaa October 27, 2008, 9:12 AM

    Tell them that they must sit in the Sukkah on Shemini Atzeres.

    Tell them that they must not sit in the Sukkah on Shemini Atzeres.

  • Charlie October 27, 2008, 9:25 AM

    Um, that song from Koheles was actually sung by the Byrds, not the Yardbirds – you FFBs know nothing about goyishe music lol ;P

  • Choosid of the Munkee Shpunka Rebbe October 27, 2008, 9:34 AM

    Tell them that Erev Yom Kippur they must dip in Mikvah one time for each time that they’ve “spanked the monkey”.

  • Left Brooklyn and never looked back October 27, 2008, 10:10 AM

    Tell them they get extra credit if they perform “certain” mitzvot (see last week’s parsha) in the sukkah.

  • Anonymous October 27, 2008, 10:34 AM

    I LOVE YOU HESH THIS IS AWESOME!!!

  • Anonymous October 27, 2008, 10:54 AM

    you mean you aren’t supposed to lean to the left in the succah?

  • Yochanan October 27, 2008, 11:22 AM

    Invite them to a lulav joust.

    Invite them to a game of lulav veetrog ball.

  • Product October 27, 2008, 12:08 PM

    Tell them to go to mikvah Yom Kippur morning to add purity.
    Tell them that Boruch Shem is cried out aloud till Succos
    Tell them a segulah for healthy bowel movements to drink tea brewed from Hoshano leaves Motzei Simchas Torah

  • Future Druggie October 27, 2008, 2:42 PM

    Teach them about the laws of Pilegesh, that it’s okay to have a second wife as a mistress with no Kesuba and no obligation of a Get. Tell them that nearly every one you know has a Pilegesh, and she helps with the housework, the babysitting, etc.

  • Frum Satire October 27, 2008, 2:54 PM

    Wow so many comments I don’t know if I can add them all to the list.

  • m October 27, 2008, 5:19 PM

    am i the only one who finds this incredibly mean-spirited?

  • Left Brooklyn October 27, 2008, 5:59 PM

    Yes, it is mean spirited. But not directed to the BT but to the folks who are m’karev. Why? because most people in the kiruv business don’t bother to teach the BT correctly. Many BT are left to bounce around like a ball in a pinball machine thus they have this over zealous behavior.

  • Phil October 27, 2008, 6:09 PM

    Tell them to cut the esrog one the first day and squeeze the juice into the kiddush.

    Tesyaa,

    People in my hood sit in the Succah on Shmini atzeret even in the rain!

    I’m up for a Lulav joust any time, I think it should follow hakafos once everyone is really drunk.

  • Frum Satire October 27, 2008, 6:16 PM

    M- I was waiting for someone to get pissed at it- surprised it took 15 comments to get to.

    Lulav joust sounds like hoshana rabba to me.

  • Product October 27, 2008, 6:43 PM

    M,
    Quite the opposite. BTs should read on and learn what not to do. Actually they can use this rule of thumb: If it sounds to insane to be true, then it probably is. There are a few exception, though.

    • Batsheva September 5, 2010, 10:41 PM

      Yeah, like shlagging kappores!

  • Future Druggie October 27, 2008, 10:06 PM

    A Pilegesh is perfectly permissable according to Jewish law, and it would solve the Shidduch Crisis.

    Do you know there are 250 girls over the age of 30 in Lakewood who are not married?

  • Mikeinmidwood October 27, 2008, 11:00 PM

    Tell them to shake each one of the four species seperatly. Tell them its a great zechus to buy a separate esrog and lulav for each day.

  • Anonymous October 27, 2008, 11:19 PM

    I don’t product- waving an overpriced lemon and spices around sounds pretty insane to me.

  • JDMDad October 28, 2008, 5:03 AM

    Heck, I’m a BT and I find this hilarious. Luckily I know who in the shul to listen to, and who not to. At least when I shook the lulav, I didn’t do the hokey pokey and turn myself around. It almost felt like I should.

    • Michaltastik October 21, 2009, 11:54 PM

      LOL, I do. I sing it and such. People get a kick out of it. They do know I’m being funny by the way. I’m a ham, in general.

  • Phil October 28, 2008, 7:50 AM

    Pilegesh is only halachically permissible if you are the king (in the real / halachic sense of the world). Good luck finding a heter.

    I remember a contorversy about the “pilegesh hotline” back when I was in yeshiva about 18 years ago, seems like a bunch of Jewish pimps got together and figured out they can make a few bucks off the cheatin chassidim in NY.

    If they really wanted to solve to so called crisis, they should cancel the Cherem of Rabbeinu Gershom of marrying multiple wives (which has already expired). The Vilna gaon and Rabbi Ovadia Yosef have both contemplated this seriously, I believe that they now have a heter for some Sephardim in extreme cases.

    Just think, if you can have 4 wives, you can send at least 2-3 of them to work so you can retire to learn all day, shtup all night / every night, the way it was originally meant to be.

    • Michaltastik October 21, 2009, 11:55 PM

      Yeah, that’s not sexist…

      • Batsheva September 5, 2010, 10:43 PM

        No not at all!

    • Nechama October 1, 2011, 2:27 PM

      You can’t just cancel Rabbeinu Gershom’s ruling (which was not a Cherem, btw). The Halacha is you have to follow the law of the land. I assume that where you live it’s illegal to have more than one wife.

  • Left Brooklyn and never looked back October 28, 2008, 7:59 AM

    Rav Yaakov Embden was placed in chairem over the pilegesh issue. And Phil is correct the cherem (or was it a takanah?) of Rabbeinu Gershom has expired.

    Interesting thought that it may ease the “shiducch crisis” and may help those women (not girls) in Lakewood.

    • Batsheva September 5, 2010, 10:45 PM

      It was a takanah, and the thing that has not expired is that Jews are required to follow the laws of the land they live in (provided that they’re not in explicit violation of Torah), and polygamy is illegal in the U.S. and all first world nations, as far as I know.

  • Shira Salamone October 28, 2008, 12:16 PM

    I’m with M on this–I, too, think it’s mean-spirited. As for Product’s comment, “If it sounds to insane to be true, then it probably is,” I can only say that, as someone who was raised non-Orthodox and who never spent a day in a Jewish day school, a *lot* of Jewish law sounds too insane to be true. Seriously, it’s a given that one takes a shower before seeing the boss, but, in halachah, it’s also a given that one *doesn’t* take a shower for 3 days straight (a 2-day Yom Tov followed by Shabbat) before seeing the Boss? If you think it’s *funny* to tell someone to pull the pitom off their etrog, *you* go buy the poor soul a new etrog!

    • Batsheva September 5, 2010, 10:47 PM

      This is SATIRE, people! He was JOKING! I feel quite confident in saying that Heshy would NEVER tell someone to pull the pitom off his etrog!

  • tesyaa October 30, 2008, 10:28 AM

    Shira, it’s so random, maybe that’s your point. Tell someone that on Shabbos they have to open the tuna fish can upside down and mash the tuna with their hands, not a fork.

  • Frum Satire October 30, 2008, 11:05 AM

    Shira what you expect me to be nice all the time.

  • Halo October 31, 2008, 10:37 AM

    tell them to swing a chicken over their head to get rid off their sins

  • Frum Satire October 31, 2008, 4:19 PM

    And to think we actually do some of these things

  • ck November 2, 2008, 7:01 AM

    Tell them that it’s ok to not give your wife a get!

    Tell them that on Pesach they have to make geffilte fish out of Matzoh meal because fish are chametz!

    Tell them that MP3 Players are assur!

    Tell them that bicycles violate the laws of tznius!

    Tell them that the solution to pedophiles in our midst is to quietly send them to another city!

    Tell them that it’s assur to testify against another Jew who commits brazen crimes. Moser trumps dina deh malchutei dina!

    Hilarious!!

    No seriously, this was pretty funny. I hope you enjoy my comment in the same light.

  • Frum Satire November 2, 2008, 11:23 AM

    CK: Don’t know where you have been but bicycles and mp3’s are already assur in most circles.

    Good comment CK and you are welcome any time.

    • Batsheva September 5, 2010, 10:49 PM

      Hesh, that was his point.

  • Michal bas Avraham December 14, 2008, 5:06 PM

    There was a guy converting who told me he didn’t go to the bathroom on Shabbos… ideal shidduch, right? Oy!

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  • Michael Makovi January 27, 2009, 6:32 AM

    I was at a Shabbat table during Sefirat haOmer, and the baal habayit told me that in some communities, people have a minhag of counting sefira every 30 minutes.

    I looked at him quizzically, and started to stutter and stammer how unreasonable that seemed.

    Finally, after a minute or two, he told me that he made it up. He burst out laughing, saying, “It’s a good thing I told him; Michael was about to start counting sefira every half-hour on us!”

  • Michael Makovi January 27, 2009, 6:33 AM

    I mean michaelmakovi.blogspot.com

  • Anonymous April 7, 2009, 11:27 PM

    lulav joust sounds awesome. i think it WOULD be a zechus to bid $613 for an aliyah…and at Syrian shuls 1 aliyah haftorat yonah went for $36,000.

  • B.BarNavi June 26, 2009, 1:52 AM

    Dude, don’t you see the sexual underpinnings of the lulav at all?

  • aztecqueen2000 September 30, 2009, 6:40 PM

    ck–
    The sad thing is that many circles hold by all of that.

  • ck October 1, 2009, 4:00 AM

    Uhm. I know. I was being all sarcastical. I guess I should add “Tell them that you can’t wear crocs on Yom Kippur because they are too comfortable. As opposed to Chuck Taylors…”

  • harryer-than-them-all October 7, 2009, 12:55 AM

    I heard a great one over yom tov

    “dad how many times do you shake the lulav?”
    “Until it feels good, son!”

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