Frummies love to say “come have a mezonos” instead of “here eat a cookie” or “how about a pretzel”.
One of my fans pointed out to me that God first lined up the animals in front of Adam before creating Chava because before finding your bashert you have to go out with dogs, cows and pigs.
I was sitting in shul last nighta nd suddenly everyone got up for lecha dodi, I noticed half the people were already turned around, some folks were in that whole half turn “should I turn yet?” stage and others were facing them as if to say “dude we aren’t supposed to turn yet”, mind you there was no women’s section- just a bunch of Jewish art of the sort that frummies place crooked on their living room walls instead of Rembrandt lithographs and Monet look a likes. The lecha dodi turn around is always an awkward time in my opinion- and what about the women.
I was sitting in shul today in one of the last remaining modern orthodox enclaves in Monsey and it reminded me of sitting in session when I worked back in 2006 for the New York State legislature. All these gray haired white men talking about golf and stocks, laughing and hushing at appropriate times. One of the men looked like Newt Gingrich and I found it kind of funny.
I decided that leaving right away from a shul which has a balcony is like leaving a party before the main dish arrives. You wait the whole time to get a glimpse at the women and then you don’t even wait for that one or two minutes of putting on the coats and saying good shabbos as you try and check out the ladies which were perched above you and out of sight during the whole of davening. Its a terrible thing to do.
People who drive Hummers are insecure and have small penises.
If Obama wins we are all screwed and if he loses the people who live in cities like Baltimore, Detroit, Newark and Compton are screwed as well. If McCain wins maybe Sarah Palin will be featured in Maxim.
Modern orthodox shul talkers are more nice about it then frummies. They seem to have more manners, they are more into signals and laughing, then hocking and those other things that frummy talkers with their clanking silver plated talesim holders.
I think I need to start making fun of modern orthodoxy again- its just that Monsey has been like a black hole as modern orthodoxy is concerned- but don’t worry- I am moving out of Monsey in several weeks, more will be divulged as time goes by.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I hate those fucking SUVS with the ultra bright beams…but a REAL hummer would be hard to turn down, eh?
hey, I know you are satire and can be very funny, but sadly you’ve missed out finding and writing about some good stuff that goes on in Monsey and environs. and now you’re leaving…woe to the new community you move to and start trashing!
Mazel Tov!
There are loads of good things that go on in Monsey why don’t you check out my outdoors blog for those things- sadly for me and you most of the good stuff is not funny.
Besides for the food and um uh ahem thats all really.
Tell what should I be writing about in Monsey.
Woe to the new community!!! What are you Phillip Birnbaum. Such hatred- I guess this is why I am going to Cleveland to get some professional marketing advice and video done so people begin to understand I have nothing but happiness on my mind why all you negative east coasters think I am trashing.
Strange post, hesh, what’s up?
I thought that Monsey was a families only place.
MUuuunsey sucks
if he loses the people who live in cities like Baltimore, Detroit, Newark and Compton are screwed as well
Unfortunately, I think those people aren’t going to be better off no matter who wins.
I miss going to shul for Lech Dodi. Life as a mom with kids under age 12.
I have this thing against “mezonos” food. Most of it is bad for you. No one serves bulghur at a kiddush (a mezonos food that is actually healthy, but you cannot eat it with your fingers).
If McCain/Palin wins, every woman is potentially screwed — and not by their husbands.
The one about dating cows and pigs is funny. If hummer drivers are insecure and small, would the fact that I ride a bike (don’t own a car) make me extra secure and extremely big?
We bikers are the coolest thing since EZ-Pass
Seriously… every other day some frummy kid asks me where my car is. I have to explain I don’t have a car just a bike and why I ride a bike instead of own a car… gotta love frummy kids.
Where are you moving too?
>I was sitting in shul last nighta nd suddenly everyone got up for lecha dodi, I noticed half the people were already turned around, some folks were in that whole half turn “should I turn yet?” stage and others were facing them as if to say “dude we aren’t supposed to turn yet”, mind you there was no women’s section- just a bunch of Jewish art of the sort that frummies place crooked on their living room walls instead of Rembrandt lithographs and Monet look a likes. The lecha dodi turn around is always an awkward time in my opinion – and what about the women.
Also, some are turning to the left, while others are turning to the right. When it’s time to say “gam be-rina/simcha”, it’s always a mix of “rina”, “simcha” and a pause to hear what the rabbi/chazan is saying. For the hippy crowd, it’s always “simcha”.
AF its true- I always hear a mix of rinas and simchas- especially with regards to this place because it was a bunch of yeshivish people doing the nusach sphard thing.
I thought rina was only a nusach ari thing. live and learn I guess.
Oh, and if McCain wins and then dies, the entire country is screwed. Just saying.
…and if Obama wins, ditto.
Anyone who votes super-straight party line is no more than a robot. And Obama’s “only following orders” percentage is over the top.