I used to fly back forth from yeshiva quite a bit, flights were cheaper then the train and every time we had an out shabbos quite a few of us yeshiva guys- sometimes filling more then half of the small planes that flew between Rochester and New York.
The planes we tarveled on were almost always propellor planes and almost always got caught in snowstorms. So while I fly well and I always had the thought that God would never crash a plane full of nice Jewish boys- regardless of the fact we went to a reject yeshiva- we were better then regular passengers- I would think.
There were quite a few times that I did teshuva on the plane. Sudden drops, turbulance or any unfamiliar noises would find me saying shema, some kapitals of tehilim and telling God I would throw out all of my porn, never think of girls and be a darned good Jew. All this while sweating profusely and trying not to let any of my fellow classmates see that I thought we were all going to die a fiery death. Well at least we would finally be able to see if thsoe plastic slides and ejecting oxygen tanks actually worked liked the stewardess said they would.
Then suddenly we would land and I would forget about all the heartfelt repenting that I had just done. Fast forward present day, I feel that this is how Yom Kippor and Rosh Hashanah plays itself out for most of us including me. It just doesn’t work out how its supposed to.
I clop my chest, sit around bored like crazy and then go home to bagel and lox. The next day I buy my lulav and then its back to normal. The end of Yom Kippor is always a let down, all that prayer and it just ends. Oh and I never really feel good about the whole thing.
This year I tried something new during Rosjh Hashanah that I am debating doing for the rest of my davening. I didn’t just mumble everything during musaf and davening- in fact I didn’t really daven in the traditional sense at all. I came to shul and talked to God the whole time- well besides for the time spent thinking of posts and trying to see over the mechitza.
It felt good having one on one chats with the Lord, I do this all the time, but I never did it in shul. I have kind of been trained to daven all this stuff that means nothing to me. You heard right “cleaving to my Lord while harkening to his word” never really meant much to me, it makes me feel like I am in church when I try to read the prayers in my own language.
I just don’t know about you, but repenting when I know I am going to do these things again makes me feel like an idiot- but I still do it anyway- whats up with these feelings? Do any of you feel like this? Have you ever done teshuvah on a plane?
-->
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
not on a plane, but after totaling a car and walking away physically unscathed, I now say t’fillat haderech before I drive for the first time, each day.
I’m glad you were able to find some meaning for yourself over rosh hashanah. there is a school of thought that believes praying anyway does a person good, on some level. i’m a bigger fan of chassidish tales of the kid who played flute in shul on yom kippur, or the guy who just recited the alef bet and trusted that the right words would be put together for him. And i’m a huge fan of hisbodedus. (i know it’s a taf. pardon my colloquialism.) I’d rather have 1 meaningful moment than 100 ones done by rote or habit that don’t mean anything to me. to each his own.
Yeah, thats how I feel when I talk to non-jews about jewish things I’m going to go do. Just saying “I have to go pray right now”…. sounds awfully wrong. Or Messiah…. I can’t say the words messiah or faith without cringing. Moshiach and emunah are less…. yeah.
Shevers I totaly understand
Good. Now my life is validated.
I” just don’t know about you, but repenting when I know I am going to do these things again makes me feel like an idiot- but I still do it anyway- whats up with these feelings?”
I actually just returned from a shuir in which the lady gave an analogy of Rosh Hoshanah/Yom Kippur to dental cleanings. She’s like “you go to dental cleanings only once or twice a year, but you still brush your teeht every day. If you didn’t then you’d go into your cleaning and end up with your dentist telling you you have a rootcanal. ”
So she goes “whats the point of going to the cleaning if you’re just going to eat right after the appointment and get your teeth all dirty? Its to NOT get that root canal.”
Basically, same with Rosh Hoshanah. We’re supposed to just “clop” our chests and TRY, and just clop everyday the two times in the shemonei esrei, and thats the thing.
Whatever… I’m sure you heard similar already.
“Do any of you feel like this?”
Ofcourse. Its normal
lol
“repenting when I know I am going to do these things again makes me feel like an idiot- but I still do it anyway- whats up with these feelings? Do any of you feel like this? ”
FS, ever been in love or in a relationship? ever had a friend.. or a family member???
if so.. then im sure youve said you were sorry, and truly felt sorry.. and then acted inconsiderate/rude/hurtful/selfish/mean.. later.
the relationships worth keeping are those with people who believe you when you apologize and stick by you when you ‘reoffend’…
dont feel like an idiot, feel grateful!
Check out this link on Teshuva, you might enjoy it. It discusses that part about how we feel like we will do the same avaiors again so the Teshuva doesn’t feel real kinda thing.
I also always think the words translated in English sound Christian.
Mookie: that is a great point, very true.
I do Teshuva when I want something. Like, I think God will give it to me now.
I heard that if you say Perek Shira for 40 days in a row, you get a shidduch. So, I’ve been really good about saying Perek Shira.
great post
All of life is just one bumpy plane ride. Hold onto your hats.
Teshuvah is not going away from something — it’s coming towards something. You can attempt to stop sinning by breaking and scaring yourself. But the cause of the sin — lack of G-d’s Light in your soul — remains. Forget about sinning: focus on connecting with G-d, and desire to sin will disappear by tiself.
Yom Kippur is the day we attone for our sin by uniting with the level of reality where there is nothing by G-d. When we want to get rid of a spiritual impurity, we don’t try to “scrub it out”; we immerse into the environment which is totally pure (the point of a mikveh), and that itself gets rid of the sins.
How do you connect to G-d? Learn about Him (Chassidus); talk to Him (davening with kavanah); unite your will with His (doing mitzvos). And only then, when you became one with Him, and looked around and saw where you are standing, how far away from Him — you scream out in pain and horror. And the distance becomes smaller.
Every descent is for the sake of ascent. Once you do a teshuvah properly, you will be higher than where you were before the sin.
“Nothing *but* G-d”, I mean.
right on, AF. (that’s certainly one approach to healing)
>i’m a bigger fan of chassidish tales of the kid who played flute in shul on yom kippur
That wasn’t the Chassidish story. The Chassidish story was of a kid crying like a cockerel in a shull — not of him playing a flute on Yom Kippur. It was the appikorsim who corrupted the story and made it sound like the Halacha doesn’t matter — what matters is wanting to connect to Hashem. That’s not what Baal Shem Tov taught; he taught that first you need to want to connect to Hashem through any means (not just follow Halacha as a routine), and then realize that Halacha provides the best way for this.
Indeed, the whole point of Chassidus is to show how exactly to unite this hot passion with cold legality of the law, and the point of the story was to show how yiddishkeit is not about mumbling words and performing rituals — it’s about connecting to G-d (but through those words and rituals).
I read that story in “Yom Kippur-Its Significance, Laws, and Prayers” by Nosson Scherman and Avie Gold (page 90). The version from that book can be found online in the first result if you google Flute Yom Kippur. I wouldn’t call them apikorsim, but that’s me.
As far as I remember, that story was originally written in a book by either Mendele or Peretz at the turn of 20th century. Maybe Sherman and Gold assumed they are free to plagiarize (jewishmag.com did the same thing, by the way), since it’s a folk story — but as I said, the original folk story had the boy crying like a rooster.
(Anyway, based on the book where the story is published, one can hardly expect it to truthfully reveal the point of a Chassidic story.)
on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur I usually end up reading the English instead of the Hebrew for two reasons:
1) I read faster in English and there is A TON to read
2) When I read in English I actually feel more connected to Hashem
I only do Teshuva about things I want to change – and if I want to, then I can change them. It really is a waste of time to “do” Teshuva for something you know you’re going to do again.
My strategy for those things is to try to procrastinate doing the aveirah and tell myself why not to do it now – maybe another time in the hope that I will that way modify my behavior enough to be able to one day stop.
The problem is that if you don’t really regret it (but only know that really its wrong) then you’re going to do it again – and that’s not what Rambam would called Teshuva Shleimah.
Do you ever get nosebleeds, sitting on a spiritual horse that high? Isn’t doing so antithetical to chassidus, in general? We’re all brothers and sisters, even if we disagree (there are enough genetic diseases flying around to prove that, too). How do you improve chassidus by speaking down of another school of thought? You can do better than that.
s(b), I’m going to have to remember that “do you ever get nosebleeds” the next time someone gets on their spiritual high horse with me. It’s a good one.
Personally, I have not gone to shul on Yom Kippur in years (aside from very very briefly.) I’ve tried reading the davening in English but it only illuminated to me how little connection I felt to the standard prayers and how ridiculously disconnected they are from the reality of our daily lives (and “sins”).
I have a much easier time connecting to God in my own home, in my own way, than sitting in shul for hours klopping meaningless Al Cheits. I prefer shul on Simchat Torah when there is genuine joy and celebration, as opposed to the shallow “I’m repenting because I have to” vibe on Yom Kippur.
And no, I have never done Teshuva on a plane, though it seems as good a place as any.
That anonymous right above this is me…
I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have sunk (really). I can do better than that, and I will. What I got out of that story is not that halacha doesn’t matter. What I got, and continue to get from it, is that HKB hears all prayers, even if they’re not uttered traditionally, even if they’re not uttered at all (this can include silent meditation, the sound of any of any animal, words in any language. The last paragraph of the amidah says a lot). I should remember it better, year-round.
I always to Teshuva on planes…but mainly because I’m terrified of flying and have a morbid mind.
Way back when, before I converted, I used to start praying to G-d like I was talking to my neighbor across the fence. Something like “Hey man, hows it going? This is what I did today, this is what I liked, Dude, I’m really sorry about this, etc.” I wasn’t a formal worship service kind of gal, so that was the only way I prayed for a long time. Sometimes the words just come easier that way. I’m glad your experience with that in services on RH was a positive one.
Maybe I’ll try that on Yom Kippur when it’s mid-afternoon and I’m dreaming about pizza and birthday cake.
As far as asking for repentance on things you know you’ll turn around and do again…you’re only human. The want to change what you’re doing (or repenting), I think that counts for something too.
I hope this is coherent, I skipped my coffee this morning.
>Do you ever get nosebleeds, sitting on a spiritual horse that high? Isn’t doing so antithetical to chassidus, in general? We’re all brothers and sisters, even if we disagree (there are enough genetic diseases flying around to prove that, too). How do you improve chassidus by speaking down of another school of thought? You can do better than that.
If seeing that someone clearly doesn’t get something else is getting on a high horse — well, then, I must have very good baroreceptors.
We are all brothers and sisters, and therefore not only is it permitted, but it is required to point out to someone that he is wrong. I didn’t speak down of another school of thought — I pointed out that this school of thought clearly doesn’t get ideas of another school of thought.
How do I improve Chassidus? By explaining to Chassidim ideas they clearly do not get. Basic science, for example. Recently someone explained to me some ideas I did not get — and I was very grateful and said “thank you” instead of accusing him of getting on a high horse.
Now, if I disagree with all I wrote, ask yourself a question: is everything that Hesh is writing about in the post an individual problem or an institutional problem?
“If you disagree”, I mean.
Just saw this quote:
“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
— Winston Churchill
Anita: that was great!
Wow great comments that make me feel better- thank you.
“as opposed to the shallow “I’m repenting because I have to” vibe on Yom Kippur. ”
I find it interesting that so many keep repeating this sentiment.. but im pretty sure that for many it really is genuine..
some of us really feel bad for how we behave and YK is just one day we can dedicate to thinking about it as opposed to sweeping it under the rug like we do later on in the year..
Can you pin down the origin of a folk tale without calling anyone an apikoras? I take issue with name-calling; that’s where the accusation of high horse came from. Very busy here; will get back to this later. I dig Churchhill quotes. One of my favorites: When you’re going through hell, keep going!
So back I go so that I may emerge, for good. I will say I’ve referenced the boy/flute story in conversations with Lubavitchers (friends, not people doing kiruv to me), and I’ve never been corrected. I would love to know the root of that folk tale. Oh, wait, it’s a folk tale.
Can you pin it down?
Why did you focus on disregard of halacha? That’s so far from, imo, the point of the story. (but, that’s just imo; ymmv)
“is everything that Hesh is writing about in the post an individual problem or an institutional problem?”
Depends if you’re an institution. I try not to let what people do instituationally get to me. There is X amount of caring about a fellow’s problems that I can do. I do what I can, often not in comments. How much of a problem any of this is depends on the individual reader.
Oh yeah. Thought of something else. I was going through something recently that calls for a lot of teshuvah. Man oh man. So I was talking to my Rabbi about guilt and things that I was feeling. And he told me basically, before I go to sleep at night sit down and have a real conversation with Hashem. Really dig through my problem in my own language with hashem and do teshuvah that way. Its not so easy. Your post reminded me of that.