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Miss Borough Park Pagent

I thought about this post while writing the investigative piece about Sarah Palin being Jewish.

I wonder what a Miss Lakewood or Miss Monsey competition would look like. What would the format be? Obviously only married women would be allowed, or is it not so obvious? After all I can only imagine that instead of a bikini contest they would have a tznius contest. You know almost the opposite, who could look the hottest without looking like a sheitle hooker. Or who could make the oiliest kugel? It would be interesting I say. Or maybe they could have a frummy Ironman competition. Hmmwhat would that look like?

Miss Lakewood or Monsey or Borough Park

Beauty Portion:

Best Sheitle

Thickest stockings

Shortest real hair

Most tznius skirt

Prepared for the time when the Rabbis make burqas the norm

Most aerodynamic turban

Sloppiest snood

Frumpiest shabbos robe

Bulletproof bra

Cooking:

Oiliest kugel or keegel depending on the location of the competition

Thickest most heart stopping cholent

Battle of the hemishe noodle dishes Shlishkes vs. Kasha Varnishkes vs. Luction Kugel

Water Challah vs. Egg

Who can make the fluffiest kenaidlach

Halacha

Which women will have the fastest and most strict lettuce washing techniques

Who can actually get all the bugs out of a broccoli floret

Mikvah dunking efficiency

Knowledge of the nidah laws

Who knows the last 5 items to be banned by the Rabbis?

Do you interrupt your shmona esray if your child is screaming?

Do you know the latest chumros of the community? (such as a ban on arm swigning by women in Lakewood)

Good deeds:

How many shidduchim have you made?

Have you ever yelled at someone who was not dressed appropriately?

Do you support at least one kollel family?

If you lived in Israel would your kids participate in shabbos riots?

Skills:

Driving skills including, double and triple parking, picking up hitchhikers and the speed with which you can get your kids out of the car.

Wash and set sheitle

How fast can you fill up a shopping cart at the local kosher grocery?

Can you talk on the phone, pay for your groceries and play Jewish geography with the person behind you in line? (general rude yenta skills as well)

Questions: (to saving the whales or world peace being big issues)

What do you think is the biggest problem facing yiddishkeit today?

What is your solution?

What 3 items would you like to see banned in the coming months?

What are some questions you have come up with that should be included in the shidduchim investigation process?

{ 24 comments… add one }
  • A23 September 7, 2008, 7:18 PM

    Are religious exemptions given for the driving portion? Driving is not tznius.

  • Frum Satire September 7, 2008, 7:31 PM

    Thats true…although they haven’t banned women from driving in America yet…

  • utubefan September 7, 2008, 8:21 PM

    Fattest baby? Thinnest mom?

  • Juggling Frogs September 7, 2008, 8:22 PM

    Triathlon: A skirt is shot out of a cannon. The contestant must catch it, sew up the slit, put it on, run to the dance floor, and simcha-dance in it for a full two hours, without breaking the seam or showing anything above the ankle.

    Kind of like a sack race, without a finish line.

  • Juggling Frogs September 7, 2008, 8:26 PM

    Sprint Shopping:

    Given budget, kashrut, health, menu, noise and time constraints, maneuver a shopping cart with a broken wheel through a large supermarket with narrow aisles, encumbered by at least 4 children under age 6.

    Points deducted if her estimated total price is more than 5% off the total, for any questionable hechshers collected, or food packages opened by/for the toddlers before the credit card clears.

  • Juggling Frogs September 7, 2008, 8:31 PM

    Gold Medal Shmorg Fressing:

    Wearing a dry-clean-only all wool black form-fitting suit and 3.5″ heels, nibble at every item on a smorg while nodding vigorously and listening intently to your opponent, near a large crowd of younger women in sneakers squealing and dancing vigorously to very loud music.

    Points deducted for each shidduch reference missed, and for any stains on the black suit.

  • Mikeinmidwood September 7, 2008, 8:32 PM

    The most ignorant.

  • tesyaa September 7, 2008, 8:36 PM

    Don’t think this is relevant, but food for thought nonetheless:

    I had a friend whose high school teacher wore her tichels all the way down over her eyebrows. Now that’s covering your hair.

  • Frum Satire September 7, 2008, 9:51 PM

    Thank you Juggling for that

  • David Shmukleman September 7, 2008, 10:42 PM

    I recently stuck a pinky in my asshole and came to the conclusion that yidden must vote for mccain and obama.

  • Heterim are for Hippies September 7, 2008, 11:50 PM

    Most condescending. Most kids. Number of times Tehillim is finished daily while waiting in line.

  • Hope Less September 8, 2008, 10:59 AM

    Ability to cook for 20 people for Passover for each meal, without using Matzo meal or any store bought products.

  • Phil September 8, 2008, 11:35 AM

    Maybe a “frummer than you” / “holier than thou” category, where the ones with the most extreme chumros get to enforce them on each other. Of course this would likely end up too close to “reality TV”.

  • Floydian Slip September 8, 2008, 11:56 AM

    Does anyone think that “fluffiest kneidlach” can be misconstrued as some form of innuendo…

  • Shua September 8, 2008, 12:35 PM

    Yikes, some of these comments show some powerful hatred… Personally, I think we sometimes do over-emphasize qualities which aren’t that important in women. Then again, maybe by showing the extremes on both sides we can get a nice balance. Anyone for a Miss Washington Heights pageant (showing my true colors 🙂 )

  • s(b.) September 8, 2008, 1:41 PM

    Juggling Frogs and Hope Less — Yes!!
    -sarah of the fluffy kneidlach

  • Juggling Frogs September 8, 2008, 2:11 PM

    Unexpected Guest Relay:

    The timer starts when the phone rings the first time, and ends as the torches (um, candles) are lit at sundown.

    This event requires each maidel to determine and then accommodate the names, genders, ages, dietary preferences (allergies, kashrut, etc.), number of high chairs needed, and major minhagin of an unspecified number of last minute shabbat guests, while preparing three 7 course meals that will satisfy (nay, impress) both the vegans and the “ain bo basar, ain bo simcha” folk simultaneously.

    Any dish she makes that results in the use of a guest’s epi-pen incurs a penalty.

    When the candles are lit, each contestant will be judged on the amount of clutter removed from the dining room table, the number and quality of braids in daughters’ hair (with special attention to symmetry, taughtness, and lack of residual shampoo), and the Stickiness Index of the kitchen floor.

    The ladies’ scores will also be subject to an “Ambition Factor” will also be evaluated by comparing the accuracy of their (previously submitted in sealed envelopes) pre-Shabbat to-do list and the actual results accomplished.

    All those who fall asleep before the last unexpected guest departs (after midnight) are immediately disqualified.

  • Yochanan September 8, 2008, 3:16 PM

    Can the FFBs fill me in here? Are people from Borough Park known in the frum community for talking really fast? It seems like I have an easier time understanding tech support from India.

  • utubefan September 8, 2008, 4:34 PM

    Juggling, you are very good.

  • Frum Satire September 8, 2008, 6:55 PM

    Juggling you rock and yes fluffy kneidlach can be an inuendo- I can’t believe I never put that in my frummy pick up lines post.

  • mother in israel September 8, 2008, 11:08 PM

    When guests are invited, the rebbetzin’s children must reflect well on the family. Points lost for tantrums, swear words, and refusing to clear the table. (double points off if it’s the rebbetzin who does those)

  • shevers September 9, 2008, 10:55 AM

    What about Miss Crown Heights?

  • Frum Satire September 9, 2008, 12:03 PM

    Miss Crown Heights- who can fabrengin the hardest?

  • Juggling Frogs September 9, 2008, 12:35 PM

    I was thinking more in terms of a Miss (or Mrs.) Frum USA, or Miss/Mrs. Frum Universe.

    This way, the contest would be fully and freely open to frum females from far-flung fortresses of frumkheit.

    The individual contestants would then be able to reflect their particular communities’ unique character in the various talent contests.

    So, there would be a complete line up, and Miss Bnei Brak, Miss Ramat Beit Shemesh, and Miss Crown Heights could compete in the Chumra Countdown, Tehillim Sprints, the Headgear Face-offs, Invisible Insect Inspections, etc.

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