How do you behave at Kiddush?
Everyone does different things at Kiddush, I myself look like a wolf, scouting out the offerings and planning an attack that will be most profitable and allow me to stockpile the hard to reach and easiest to run out foods. How do you behave?
Patience:
There are those that just stand around without even taking a plate or fork and wait for the Rabbi to make Kiddush, cheers to them because I cant understand their logic, these are usually the women and maybe some older men who probably need their wives help at fishing for the cholent spoon anyway.
Pre Game:
There is always someone who “made” Kiddush already presumably at a Kiddush club, or maybe because they grabbed one of those little cups with grape juice before they started pouring them. But these people are pre-gamers, they start taking food before everyone else- which is good because nobody wants to be the first.
Scolders:
I experienced the wrath of the scolders as a wee little one and as an adult, it never changes. These are the folks that always feel the need to tell you to wait for the Rabbi, they are undoubtedly the suburban Volvo driving types who never serve drinks until after the main meal comes out. Every shul has these angry “everyone must wait to hear the Rabbi” to take food types and I have confronted them many a time- telling them to mind their own business as I piled on cholent and kugel prior to any sign of Kiddush being made.
Pigs:
Even I am not considered a pig, the pigs are those guys (they are always guys) that crowd around the hot food waiting to pounce on it the second it gets set down. They always have to be cleared away by whomever got the job to put the hot food out. Pigs will always let the cholent spoon drop to the bottom forcing messy cleanups and multiple napkins to be wrapped around the spoon creating this sloppy browned napkin mess.
Wolves:
As I mentioned, I am a wolf, these people strategize rather then conquer, they debate what is more worth it, the cake or the kugel table. These are the people that plan out Kiddush attacks for weeks in advance buying catering blueprints from the black market kosher catering business supply people. Wolves do tend to take food early on, but only after several others have started and they tend to make Kiddush on their own rather then wait for someone to make it for them.
Shoved Aside:
If you don’t have confidence at Kiddush you get shoved aside, its true, it’s a ruthless world out there, especially when it has anything to do with Jews and free food. Enter in a lengthy prayer service and a bunch of yentas and you have this atmosphere that could be overwhelming for some folks. These folks will wait their turn patiently, only to be shoved aside by wolves and pigs vying for the prize of hot Kiddush king.
Cake Hoarders:
Children tend to be the cake hoarders, looking for that last piece of entamins raspberry twist, well I can tell you to go look at the kids table, where they will be scarfing down rainbow cakes and orange soda, to every cake loves dismay.
This is my lunch:
I have done this and seen this often, this is when you find out in advance of a kiddush’s worthiness and decide that it will be lunch. You can either bring your own challah rolls- I have seen this- or you can beg the kitchen to hook you up with some of that stale matzo reserved for shalosh suedos. These people tend to take 3 plates for each person and sit down for their meal rather then running around with their half empty plates to refill.
Wasters:
Ever see someone take a pile of food on a plate like it was running away from them- only to discover the plate is sitting in tact after all is said and done. I hate Kiddush wasters, waste bugs me in general, but wasting free food, come on people.
Hockers:
Kiddush hockers are most likely to be hockers all year round, but at Kiddush they are the guys pouring the shots or hoarding the booze table and telling everyone with a joke that they are too young to drink. They are also always hounding the caterers to give them special food, like the scrapings of the crock pot or the non soggy broccoli salad.
Any others?
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
You missed the category for those that pile up on food and make kiddush for themselves while everyone is still doing mussaf.
Those should be included with the pre-gamers, I used to do that when I was like 10.
lol.
This is classic Frum Satire! Funny stuff.
My husband is a Wolf and he gets food for our entire pack (which earns him dirty looks because people think he is a Waster taking all that food for himself).
I am a Nester who tries to find the quietest place with the most chairs to sit down with her cubs and wait for my Wolf to come back with the kill.
We made a kiddush this morning for my grandfather’s 5th yarzheit. I let the regulars take first, so they could catch their trains and get out of there. Then I made myself a bagel. My grandfather was laughing the whole time, seeing my family gathered anywhere at 7:00 a.m.
Good one frumhouse!
I’m a wolf in sheep’s skin, Hesh and I hunt and bring back grub to Da Wife.
I guess I am a waster but I actually finish what ever I put on.
what about the weasels? they’re like mini versions of the wasters, but because they’re 8, they can squeeze into the crevices and cut the lines without any awareness of the dirty looks being aimed at the tops of their heads
You missed “the Israeli” who always has to remind everyone that kiddush is tragically lacking in Israel as if it is some profound, new way of life.
I also missed the Fabrengins- the people who only drink at kiddushes, and if they don’t have alcohol they go into a fit.
How about the double dippers, those people that never take plates and just eat everything with their hands.
Hesh, kiddush without alcohol? Where did you see that (other than camp) at a fundamentalist church??
You forgot the Blockers. Those are the folks who take food and then don’t move, shoveling down the chulent while other folks are trying to get some.
BTW, I am glad you are back with your pithy commentary and observations of Frum society.
I have always been here with it, I just enjoy writing about anything- I have to make you fiend it anyway.
brooklyn–the blockers are CLASSIC! how could we have left them out?
Hate the Blockers.
What about female shmooze-blockers? They take a piece of fruit, then shmooze for hours, so that no other woman can get near the fruit platter.
And let’s not forget the Killjoys. These are the people who take from the fruit or vegetable platter as they loudly talk about how fattening all the cakes and kugels are and start calculating the Weight Watcher points.
Personally I think of myself as a Vulture – I wait silently in the wings, where I can avoid all the bruises of being bumped and shoved aside, until I can dive in for what’s left amidst the cholent-stained tables and cream-smeared platters.
On the women’s side, one cannot forget the yentas. These are the women who discuss (loudly) the choice of caterer, which cake was flown in from where, who did the flowers, etc. They are usually found near the Killjoys.
Right, the Yentas need to be nearby because they have to compare how much weight the various Killjoys lost.
“I experienced the wrath of the scolders as a wee little one and as an adult, it never changes. These are the folks that always feel the need to tell you to wait for the Rabbi, they are undoubtedly the suburban Volvo driving types who never serve drinks until after the main meal comes out. Every shul has these angry “everyone must wait to hear the Rabbi” to take food types and I have confronted them many a time- telling them to mind their own business as I piled on cholent and kugel prior to any sign of Kiddush being made.”
While I appreciate and enjoy people feeding me at their homes, I hate it when I have to ask for drinks. I didn’t grow up keeping kosher and the salt content in kosher meat makes me really thirsty.
Not only do I think that eating the food before kiddush is made is rude and inconsiderate, I think it should be locked in a safe or a vault so wolves and their ilk can’t get to it first.
At kiddush, I stare at the cup and lean as if I’m waiting for some sort of signal. I don’t like it when they drink before pouring it into other cups. I’m afraid of backwash and beard/mustache hairs falling in. I’m happy when I see those fountain things with the shot glasses at the bottom.
yochanan,
Al pi din, you do not have to drink from the kiddush maker’s wine at all. Just inform him to have in mind, when making kiddush, to ‘sanctify’ the wine in your cup as well. It is just as good, and could be even better, for various reasons.
If he doesn’t know what you are talking about, invite him to open a shulchan aruch.
Anonymous (aug.14.2008/4:36 p.m.):
When possible, I pour the wine (or SheHaKol stuff on Shabbat day) into my own cup first. But, sometimes, the kiddush material is at the other end of the table and things go more smoothly if I don’t interrupt the kiddush with asking people to pass it over to me. On the other hand, there are many kiddush makers who pour into the guests’ cups first, then drink it and pour for their own family.
I’m glad we don’t have a weekly kiddush in our shul. It doesn’t matter how much I eat, I eat just as much for lunch. Considering that the shul is in our “backyard,” I can’t even rationalize the long walk.
I know I’m really late for this discussion, but nobody mentioned the “fer laters”–the guys who eat at the kiddush and then take some home, for later.
I am a ‘fer laters’ always looking to take some nosh home for the kids.
Ah so Im not the only one who brings a duffle bag to kiddush
At my shul you must be a pig. The chulent comes with a layer of kishka, so only the pigs wind up getting a kishka with their chulent, the rest get only chulent, and I love kishka.
How about a category for those of us that are disgusted with the Blockers, the Pigs, the Wolves, and the fer-laters, and just leave. I will not eat at kiddush where I cannot find a seat, nor at one where it is not relatively easy to get to the food. What is it with Jews and free food? It’s a good thing we cannot be videoed at a kiddush, because if just one of those videos would make it to YouTube, it would be a Chillul HaShem. Actually, it IS a Chillul HaShem, YouTube or not.
I am definitely a wolf/this is my lunch. I know the rabbi’s wife’s gefilte fish is the best around, so I tend to grab three or four slices before I’m done. I also hound the challah and some hummus usually.
I have no shame when it comes to the l’chaim. I know people are murmuring that it’s too early in the day, but I can look the rabbi in the eye and proclaim that I have no problem w/ it. I even know where he keeps the booze in the shul. I have no idea why he trusts me after that Chanukah before last.
But hey, I do help set the whole thing up first and I do serve others as well (we have a lot of growing boys around that are too shy to dig in sometimes).
I’m Patience. And I normally help with the food and don’t take until everyone has had their food….I should be the Dog. And my dad is the hocker….I was amazed at how accurate the description was…I’m reading this and thinking “oh…my…gosh….that is soooo him” he serves the schnapps and asks the cook for extra chicken in the soup pot…