Frum sex therapists and frum olympians

Two inetersting posts I found while wandering through the J-Blogsphere last night.

Mother in Israel has this great post and interview with an orthodox sex therapist from Israel.

And my man Jameel who is one one of the only Jewish blogs that consistently keeps me entertained has this article about an orthodox Israeli girl who is going to be on the Israeli Olympic team.

Just a reminder to all those that may want to attend the first annual Jewish Bloggers Convention in Jerusalem on August 20th that you should go HERE to register.

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  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    I’ve heard my share of horror stories about Chosson/Kallah classes, not sure if they are the right people you want to get shtupping advice from. I personally did my research watching flicks, evnetually trial and error get you to perfect the method. I did make my chosson class teacher blush with some graphic suggestions, overall he knew that I would be fine on my own.

    Great thing about sex is that you have lots of fun even if you’re doing it wrong. I don’t think these things need to be taught, figuring what to do is half the fun.

    I can imagine what frummies that rely on what they’ve been told by their teacher and stick to the game plan according to every letter in the book are missing out on, maybe that’s why you always hear these stories about them finding their “dessert” elsewhere.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    This blog needs a Tisha B’Av sneakers fashion show post. If you don’t have one in you, I’ll come up with one and post it then.

  • http://www.leoraw.com/blog/ Leora

    In case you didn’t read this on Mom in Israel’s site, a suggestion for your NBN Blogger talk:
    FrumSatire, if you can talk about kiddush the way you write about kiddush, you will be hilarious. My Israeli cousin loved telling his kids about how in America we have kiddush every Shabbat. He thought it sounded wonderful. And our American Israeli friends tell us they miss having kiddush each week, they want to institute it in their community (of course, someone has to pay, but that’s just a detail). Good luck!
    ====
    Sneaker fashion post sounds cool.

  • Future Druggie

    I would like to clarify the solution to different problems:

    Problem with retrograde ejaculation (sperm goes to bladder): Solution is pseudophedrine, A.K.A. Sudafed.
    Note: Not all Sudafeds contain pseudophedrine.

  • Future Druggie

    Problem with insufficient ejaculation: Get prescription for Testosterone from fertility specialist.

  • Future Druggie

    Insufficient amount: Testosterone will increase it.

    Note: Testosterone levels are highest in the morning.

  • Future Druggie

    Partial blockage: Urologist will perform a cystoscopy to investigate, and stick a tube up your urethra. Ask — no, BEG for anesthesia.
    Sometimes the tube will clear up the blockage.

    Full blockage: Go to the emergency room, as urine can’t escape.

    Speak to any victim/survivor of bladder cancer for detailed account of pain.

  • Future Druggie

    And remember: Parenting is never easy.

  • Daniel

    think that we should look to Torah on this matter. The Ramban writes in detail on the sexual duties of husband and wife to each other in the Iggeres Ha Kedusha. He writes that a husband should bring his wife to orgasm before himself, for this brings the Shechina into their lives, and of course, Torah overall encourages a healthy and joyful sex life, with romance, passion, love, care and the wife’s pleasure the top concern. It saddens me that (based on the trend identified here: http://archive.salon.com/sex/fea…dic/print.html) a frum yid could not make his wife come until seven years of marriage! I personally don’t see how a man getting his quick shtup without his wife feeling the pleasure of orgasm can call himslef a good husband, good lover, or if the Ramban’s words are even half-correct, a good Jew. As someone who regularly engages in the activity that practically guarantees female orgasm everytime I am with my kallah, I feel that any man who has not done this is truly missing out, and in the case of those yidden who find it taboo, we can even say that they may be apikorsim for not following the eitzah of the Ramban, one of our greatest sages. And, in a nod to “Torah im Derech Eretz,” I suggest that men read Ian Kerner’s “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman,” which gives brilliant information on techniques and strategies that will make any sex life fabulous. May we all be zoiche like Moshe in that article. Also see the remarks of Rabbi Philip Lefkowitz of Agudas Achim in Chicago on this issue: Human Sexuality
    by Rabbi Philip Lefkowitz
    I vividly recall when, a number of years ago, I brought up the positive importance of orgasm on the religious program “Sanctuary” on Chicago television. The other clergy on the panel, as well as the studio audience, seemed shocked when I said that orgasm is enjoyable and a sacred element in human sexuality not only for the husband but for his wife as well. I guess they couldn’t believe such a statement would ever cross the lips of an Orthodox Rabbi replete with beard, black hat and caftan.

    I know what you are thinking. I couldn’t be a real Orthodox Rabbi. Surely Orthodox Jews are no less prudish regarding human sexuality than were our Puritan forefathers. Sorry, you are terribly mistaken. As the great American author Herman Wouk (an Orthodox Jew) wrote in his famous book, This Is My God, “What in other cultures has been a deed of shame, or of comedy, or of orgy, or of physical necessity, or of high romance, has been in Judaism one of the main things God wants men to do. If it also turns out to be the keenest pleasure in life, this is no surprise to a People eternally sure that God is good.”

    Let us now, briefly consider some statements from traditional Jewish sources to begin to frame out Judaism’s sense of human sexuality.

    The Torah decrees, concerning the rights of a wife when her husband takes a second wife, “If he take him another wife, her food, her raiment, and her congual rights, shall not be diminished”, Exodus 21:10. Simply, a woman, according to Jewish law, has legitimate sexual needs and in consequence, rights that her husband is legally bound to respect and fulfill. Could this be the source for the Woman’s Rights movement of the 70s – a rule of Jewish law found in the Mosaic tradition revealed by G?d at Sinai over three thousand years ago?

    Continuing on, the great sage Moshe ben Nachman, known as Nachmanides (1194?1270), wrote an Epistle of Holiness on the subject of marriage. Here are some interesting and perhaps even eye opening excerpts from this special text.

    “No one should claim that it is ugly or unseemly G?d forbid! For intercourse is called “knowing” (Genesis 4:1) and not in vain is it called thus…Understand that if marital intercourse did not include holiness it would not be called “knowing.” Aristotle’s teaching that the sense of touch is unworthy…is wrong and his error precedes from his understanding of the universe. Had he believed that one G?d created the world he would not have slipped into such error. But we who have the Torah believe that one G?d created all in his wisdom and not that he created anything inherently wrong or unseemly…Hands can write a Torah and then are honorable and exalted; hands can also perform evil deeds and then are ugly. So to the genitals…Whatever ugliness there is comes from how man uses them.”

    “…Therefore engage her first in conversation that puts her heart and mind at ease and gladdens her. Thus your mind and intention will be in harmony with hers…Speak with her some words of love, some of erotic passion, some of piety and reverence. Never may you force her, for in such union the Divine presence cannot abide. Rather win her over with words of graciousness and seductiveness… Hurry not to arouse passion until her mood is ready; begin in love let her semination take place first…”

    Summing up, Nachmanides teaches us the following:

    1. Sexual union is the obligation of the husband and the right of the wife.

    2. The wife is ultimately the instigator not the husband.

    3. The man must put his wife’s sexual fulfillment before his own and pace himself accordingly.

    4. Eroticism and holiness are not opposites but compliment each other.

    5. Sexual union, in accordance with the above, delights the partners and delights G?d as well.

    Not bad for a supposed backward, ritualistic and stuffy religion! Indeed Orthodoxy could enlighten the most “modern” of souls in how best to enjoy this wonderful part of the human experience.

    Interestingly Tristan Coffin in his book The Sex Kick (1966) states that orgasm “first appeared in medical literature in the late 19th century.” I guess they hadn’t heard of The Epistle of Holiness.

  • http://www.snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Great articles, both of them! Thanks man.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    yk, daniel! thank you.

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    Daniel,

    You forgot the Rambam that explicitly mentions one of the very few cases where a woman being able to force the husband to give a get, is if he doesn’t satisfy her in bed.

    Futhermore, he also allows most explicit acts forbidden by the Shulchan Aruch, which in many cases, are required for many women to have orgasms. Specifically, he says a man can do anything with his wife as long as he doesn’t waste his seed.

    I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be “machmir” when it comes to sex, although when you have bozos in charge of teaching kids what to do in bed, you end up with many of the tragic situations you read about.

  • heimish in bp

    ahem! ahem!

  • http://www.snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Inicidentally, is it called wasting his seed if he’s doing it to please his wife…?
    Is it wasting seed if a newly-wed woman is not yet ready to “go all the way”?
    I mean, people are allowed to have sex when the wife is pregnant or post-menopausal, which methinks implies that the seed is not about to be fertilized…

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    Can’t see how his wife would enjoy the “wasted seed”, maybe it’s an aquired taste???

    As long as the seed is going into the proper place it’s not considered wasted, anywhere else is. I don’t make the rules, just researched them quite a bit.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Yes, Phil, that’s it. Not that I would know, of course. :angel: (I will refrain from more offering a more graphic response out of respect to our host and due to my sweet innocence. :) )

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    okay, maybe I should’ve reread before hitting return. you get the idea. :lol:

  • http://www.snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Phil: Without getting more graphic, I was not quite referring to an acquired taste – I was referring to byproducts from demonstrations of affection that don’t really go anywhere in particular. Ha’meivin yavin.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Kiss me- byproducts of affection sounds like a USDA term for sperm- I love it.

  • Daniel

    Why would cunnilingus be forbidden al pi halacha? That is the best way a man could make his wife come. I would say that fellatio would be ossur due to wasted seed.

  • http://www.snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Thank you, thank you.
    Incidentally I like the term “term for sperm…” sounds like a rock group.

  • http://www.snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Daniel: Gasp!
    Are you actually using clinical terms?
    What happened to the use of euphimsms?

    Has society completely gone to seed?
    (groan)
    Couldn’t resist.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Daniel, there’s plenty on this topic on Calm Kallahs, on the Intimate Matters board, under the topic: Looking at wife erva during sex. (seriously, and it includes source citations and stuff) Or you can just close your eyes and grab a snorkel. (sorry about your keyboard, KMIS) (okay, not sorry. :) )

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Daniel, for more info with sources, check out the Intimate Matters forum at calm kallahs, under the topic “looking at wife erva during sex.” Only if you are over 18. :) Fellatio isn’t wasted seed; it’s pareve.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Fellatio isn’t wasted seed; it’s pareve. For more info with sources, check out the Intimate Matters forum at calm kallahs, under the topic “looking at wife erva during sex.” Only if you are over 18.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Actually Calm Kallahs is only for married or engaged people, because they are so much more mature apparently. I think its used as soft core porn for yeshiva guys.

    The whole reason you cannot go down on your wife is because the Rambam says you cannot look at the place. But if you blindfold yourself, then I hear its ok.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    yeah; comments weren’t showing up last night. please feel free to kill one of those, as well as this one.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    They go to spam- so as fast as I check it, they will come up.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    I guess high maintenance is a cost of celebrity. lol

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    Interesting web site (calm kalla). Looks more like a blog for bored housewives, although I’m sure they have some good articles.

    To kissmeimshomer:
    I would assume “byproduct that don’t go anywhere” are incidental and not done on purpose, so at worst it would be “beshoggeg”.

    To frum satire:
    I don’t remember the Rambam saying you can’t look, I believe that was the Shulchan Aruch. If I’m not mistaken, the Rambam allows kissing any part of a woman’s body during the act.

    What is interesting, is that the rambam specifically forbids anything happening with the (candle) lights on, so technically you should be able to “follow the scent”.

  • heimish in bp

    Hesh, this is the most graphic this site ever was.

    s(b.), I just thought how funny it is to watch you rewrite your comment three times, and you tried to perfect it each time.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    glad to provide a rare glimpse at my process. Me brain not always words good.

  • heimish in bp

    lol

  • Spoppinga

    I have actually looked into the situation for a long time (most of the time was when I was a senior in high school, but I think I have the the details i need)
    You can “go down” on your wife, she can’t return the favor, and while almost all of what “phil” says is true, if you “do it” sheloh kidarcah” (anal) it would be okay.
    I think all of this is in some maphorshim by sanhedrin, but I’m too tired to look it up.
    And phil, I think I know who you are.

  • http://freshwater-phil.blogspot.com Phil

    Spoppinga:

    I brought down the Rambam, who is not actually considedred as the final halachic authority by most. Then again, it’s good to have a reliable source to fall back on when it comes to leniencies regarding intimacy.

    BTW, even according to the Rambam, sheloh kedarka is only allowed when nothing is “wasted”, so it would seem that the “money shot” would heve to go into the “proper” area.

    As far as who I am, click on my blog profile, you’ll know for sure whether you know me or not.

  • http://www.google2.com glasnost

    Well Done! I Like it!