When people don’t lock the bathroom door

I am a serial bathroom door knocker, it may be too many embarrassing walk ins that have done it too me- but I just want to be sure my host isn’t sitting on the crapper when I come strolling in. For some reason I woke up this morning thinking how funny and embarrassing it is to walk in on someone in the bathroom.

For some reason its always women that people walk in on, this is probably because you folks have been cursed with the sitting down factor while we men can just pull up to any fire hydrant or tree and drain the old lizard- similar to a dog- men can and do go anywhere. Actually just last week I was chilling in central park and watched as a college kid got a ticket from two undercover cops for peeing in public.

I remember one time my friend walked in on his friends mom in all her glory sitting on the toilet- it was talked about for weeks- because as gross as it was, it was hilarious and I am even laughing right now at the thought. I think you have to know the women to understand.

One time while eating at a restaurant in Brooklyn I walked in on a Charedi woman, she didn’t look up in time to see me slam the door shut and run to my seat. Apparently she was spaced out because my friend then needed to use the bathroom and he did the same thing- of course he lacked my quick reflexes and kind of stood there shocked and embarrassed and then slammed the door- after they both got good looks at each other, when she left the bathroom I almost spit my food out of my mouth I was laughing so hard. My buddy had to deal with passing her in order to use the bathroom- a true walk of shame.

The bathroom makes us vulnerable, every time I ponder about the bathroom I think about what if there was a fire and I was in the middle of a very hairy bathroom break- would I run out spraying myself in the process with my pants down my ankles? Or would I try and finish up? I always think about that scene from the first Jurassic Park movie in which the dinosaur eats the Porto-john with the guy inside.

It is also interesting to note how fast people react to the door of their little private porcelain palace. Sometimes it so delayed that you two are just staring at each other before you realize that one of you has their pants down. Then the door is grabbed away and slammed at the same time and both sides are blushing. The tone of voice is also great- “there’s somebody in here” is the most common phrase yelled through the half opened door. What about “just a minute” which it never is.

Don’t even get me started on sitting there while you know there’s a line of people outside. I can only imagine they are ready with pitchforks and lanterns ready to burst in and claim their spot on the bowl.

I really thought it would be funny for people to share their own experiences- and please try to keep it civil- we don’t need too much detail.