I am a serial bathroom door knocker, it may be too many embarrassing walk ins that have done it too me- but I just want to be sure my host isn’t sitting on the crapper when I come strolling in. For some reason I woke up this morning thinking how funny and embarrassing it is to walk in on someone in the bathroom.
For some reason its always women that people walk in on, this is probably because you folks have been cursed with the sitting down factor while we men can just pull up to any fire hydrant or tree and drain the old lizard- similar to a dog- men can and do go anywhere. Actually just last week I was chilling in central park and watched as a college kid got a ticket from two undercover cops for peeing in public.
I remember one time my friend walked in on his friends mom in all her glory sitting on the toilet- it was talked about for weeks- because as gross as it was, it was hilarious and I am even laughing right now at the thought. I think you have to know the women to understand.
One time while eating at a restaurant in Brooklyn I walked in on a Charedi woman, she didn’t look up in time to see me slam the door shut and run to my seat. Apparently she was spaced out because my friend then needed to use the bathroom and he did the same thing- of course he lacked my quick reflexes and kind of stood there shocked and embarrassed and then slammed the door- after they both got good looks at each other, when she left the bathroom I almost spit my food out of my mouth I was laughing so hard. My buddy had to deal with passing her in order to use the bathroom- a true walk of shame.
The bathroom makes us vulnerable, every time I ponder about the bathroom I think about what if there was a fire and I was in the middle of a very hairy bathroom break- would I run out spraying myself in the process with my pants down my ankles? Or would I try and finish up? I always think about that scene from the first Jurassic Park movie in which the dinosaur eats the Porto-john with the guy inside.
It is also interesting to note how fast people react to the door of their little private porcelain palace. Sometimes it so delayed that you two are just staring at each other before you realize that one of you has their pants down. Then the door is grabbed away and slammed at the same time and both sides are blushing. The tone of voice is also great- “there’s somebody in here” is the most common phrase yelled through the half opened door. What about “just a minute” which it never is.
Don’t even get me started on sitting there while you know there’s a line of people outside. I can only imagine they are ready with pitchforks and lanterns ready to burst in and claim their spot on the bowl.
I really thought it would be funny for people to share their own experiences- and please try to keep it civil- we don’t need too much detail.
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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
As Pharaoh of the land of Egypt it is very difficult for me when people walk in on me when I am using the Nile. When it happens I usually have to execute whoever it is that saw the King dropping one. I’m a god after all, can’t have people walking in on me. I’d loose all my respect.
And I’m going to get that guy Moses, he just keeps on showing up right when I’m in the middle to tell me to let my slaves go party. There is no propriety these days.
My 3 year old son will go anywhere. We were standing in front of our house the otherday suddenly he starts watering the lawn with no warning.
When I was studying in Italy, I was amazed at all the public urination. A river runs through the middle of Florence, and there are brick walls on either side of it with sidewalks. I’d walk home that way every night, and I would see a half dozen men peeing on a 2 mile walk. And that’s on a weeknight. On weekends there would be twice as many.
I was mortified, but I suppose that’s what I get for being a prudish American.
Good one Childish-
Honestly Frum- I am the same way, although I tend to use my car doors as cover. Two car doors equal your own urinal.
I couldn’t make it past “drain the old lizard” … the laughter clouded my ability to read.
Then I’ve done a good job
If someone knocks on the door when I’m in the restroom, I say, “One moment, please.” Some of the devices designed for camping for women to pee standing up appear innovative. I have not tested any of them.
My poor nephew walked in on me once at my mother-in-law’s house. I had actually locked the door but learned the hard way on that fateful day that the lock doesn’t always catch. I don’t think he actually saw anything, but I will never use the bathroom there again without double and triple checking the lock. The poor kid is probably traumatized for life now (he wasn’t tiny either, he must have been ten or so.)
At my old work, there was a lock on the bathroom that made you think you locked it-except you had to give an extra push.
I once walked in on one of the school’s biggest supporter/monetary contributer. He didnt see me because his back was towards the door (you lucky guys, you. grrrrr), but i noticed that the next repair that took place in school involved that bathroom door…..
I’ve had two occasions when I thought the bathroom door was locked. I keep telling myself, “I will never see that person again.”
Several years ago, I was staying at a family’s home for shabbat. I woke up in the middle of the night needing to pee. I stumbled to the bathroom and pulled open the unlocked door. I found myself face to face with the man of the house sitting on the toilet wearing only tighty whiteys, which were around his ankles at the moment.
Lesson learned: No matter what time of day – lock the door, people!
Meg — think back to the primitive toilets in Italy and you’ll remember exactly why Italians would just as soon take care of business in public.
oh hesh, what a guy’s post!! but i also LOLd at the draining the lizard…what an incredible euphemism. i am a door locker, a door blocker – i never trust the door will lock properly. some people dont care about doing their business in front of others, but there are some things that need to remain strictly private forever, this is one of them.
I was traumatized as a child when my great-great uncle Aaron came for Pesach. Being around 90 years old at the time, he was a bit spacey and wasn’t aware of the subtleties that ran my household. In my house, the locks were broken on the bathroom door so the rule was: if the door is closed, you DON’T OPEN IT.
Well, Unlce Aaron didn’t know this. I was minding my own business, taking a bubble bath (I was 7, don’t worry.) and suddenly there is an ancient man I barely knew ambling around in my bathroom looking for his glasses. He noticed me in the bathtub (and I had frozen mid-frantically trying to cover myself with bubbles) and said “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just looking for my glasses!”
I freaked out and demanded that my father buy a lock THAT INSTANT. He did.
Then later than night, I woke up needing the bathroom and lo and behold, the bathroom wasn’t locked and ole’ Uncle Aaron had fallen asleep on the toilet.
I am lock OCD, to say the least.
Ari-primitive toilets in Italy, are not primitive any more
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the people you saw Meg, were probably not even italians!
My wife’s family never had locks on the bathroom doors. My family always did.
I walked in on my mother in law toweling off after a shower.
The next time we were back, there was a lock on the door:)
Seeing dogs go to the bathroom always cracks me up, for some reason.
These comments were hilarious- thank you for making me crack up- such a funny subject.
I walked in on one of our shabbos guests once. We have one of those locks that you can’t really tell if its locked or not. Sometimes you have to fiddle with it for 5 minutes to really tell.
Something about seeing a frum lady in a sheitle on the toilet is so wrong. I mean these are people who go out of their way to cover up. It was truly one of the most embarrasing moments of my life. It took me a few weeks to get over it. Great post!
Something about seeing anyone on the toilet is wrong- unless it happens to be a cute old man asleep on the toilet
Oh the stories I could tell….
Nu what are you waiting for???
My mother always tried to convince us kids not to lock bathroom doors because she is uber-paranoid and afraid something may happen to someone. But I could never bring myself to leave the door open – bad memories are too scarring for life.
Bad like falling into the toilet?
Some parts of tokyo get treated like public urinals. We actually have a fair amount of public toilets but the truth is theres never one around when you really need one…
When I’m in a public place and I’m unsure of the lock I try to brace the door with a foot or my hand.
s(b.) if you think dogs are funny, ever watch a cat? they are hilarious! Of course whats weird is my cats seem to love to walk into the bathroom when I’m sitting there and watch *me*. Guess animals think we are funny too.
You folks actually expect to be able to relieve yourselves in private without people walking in on you? Having a few kids will cure you of that foolish notion!
I haven’t been able to use the bathroom without someone bursting in on me, attempting to burst in on me, or simply standing outside shouting until I come out, since 1996.
At this point, I’ve been conditioned to believe it’s normal to continue a conversation in the bathroom. Why break the momentum of a great dialog at the Shabbos table? Let’s just carry it over to the potty and continue our chat. I always let my guests go first.
frumhouse…So nice to know I am not the only one! The concept of privacy means nothing to children not matter how much I try to explain. My kids seem to think a closed bathroom door is meant for banging on and shouting at. The oldest has recently started trying to pick the lock.
The bathroom is the best place for phone calls- the problem is more halachic because your not supposed to talk in the bathroom.
Oh how many times I have put people on hold to flush the toilet only to have them say “hey was that the toilet?” and me say nah it was the wind.
chris, I have two cats; I could watch them often, if I wanted to, but I preferred a domed litter box, for them (oh, and please check the plastic cancer thread; if a joke falls in the woods and no one laughs at it, apparently it feels less funny). They agree about keeping company in the bathroom, though. I keep a brush for them on the bathroom door and use my time to brush them, as long as I’m there. Both the toilet and the sink are fascinating for cats because they have water and sometimes, the water moves!
Unfortunately, I’ve had people bust in doors on me. That is why I always make sure to arrange my skirt over the top of my lap.
SB you ever watch an elephant take a crap- its like a whole city comes out. But this discussion may be borderline crap fetish so I’ll stop.
ZZ I have always wondered if women hike it up or pull it down- thanks for the education.
Can’t say that I have. I was, however, looking for a support ribbon design this morning for work and came across supportourpoops dot org, which sells car magnets and supports colon cancer research. It offers plenty of entertainment for people who find it entertaining (as does doodie dot com, a favorite poopcentric cartoon site of a friend of mine up in Boston). I find most other things way funnier than poop, in general. Maybe I’m puritanical. lol
Hesh – It depends on the outfit.
I have to agree with Chana L. on that one, as well as it depends on the bathroom. Even in pants, if it’s a public restroom, I may roll them up to my knees before …
This is so funny b/c i am sooo freaked out about this, much more so walking in on ppl than being walked in on. I usually make someone check for me that noone is in a public bathroom before i use it. Also I knock then proceed to open the door sooo slowly inch by inch while looking away so if someone is in there they have ample time to let me know or cover up. My uncle once walked in on me wen i was little 7-8 yo…i couldnt fig out how to use the lock- im in my twenties and can still barely look at him…
I would rather walk in a public bathroom then at a shabbos host or something.
My brother once walked in on a female guest in our house and was so embarassed that he ran away without shutting the door!
Moreso than the outfit, how I arrange my skirt depends on the ickyness of the floor. If it’s a public bathroom, I pull my skirt up carefully, so as not to let it sit on the floor, and because it wouldn’t want to accidentally end up sitting on it and peeing on my skirt. If I am in someone house and the floor is clean, I unzip my skirt and pull it down.
It kinda also depends if I am wearing stockings or not. Hard to pull those down while holding up a skirt.
I once got my hand smashed walking in to a bathroom without knocking. While I was impressed by the lightning fast reflexes, now I always knock
For a second Ben I thought it said Head smashed and I was wondering how weird it would be for some unsuspecting guy to have his head smashed in by a guy with his pants around his ankles.
@Frumhouse and Meira: It was a whole new experience when my 15 month daughter started to walk. She loves to walk in on my wife or I if we are in the bathroom. We’ve learned we have to keep the door closed but not latched so she can walk in. If we don’t, she bangs on the door and screams until the door is opened.
I once walked in on some black woman who was in the process of pulling up her pants. When she came out, I started to apologize but she gave me one of those “if looks could kill” looks and said “Ah am gonna getchoooo!”. Needless to say I made sure the door was securely locked immediately after entering.
People always seem to call me when I’m in the bathroom, or about to go, or something. I’ve taken to just letting it pass and doing it anyway. The mute button on my cell phone is a great thing!
To Meg- Dont just say the men in Italy pee in public for there were quite a few women who were doing it too. And im sure u have been in that predicament as well. Thats what happens when they charge you to use the restrooms in Italy, and yes tsktsk, they were probably foreigners. I could put those 10 euros a day to better use on my vacation, then using them to pee.
Funny how bathroom minhagim differ from state to state. I live in Texas for a while, many of the public bathrooms there don’t even have doors on the, from bars downtown Dalls, to public toilets in state parks. This really freaked me out, especially when your out in the wild going fishing a 4:00 AM and have to worry about so drunk phsyco walking in on you taking a dump, or worse, while you’re doing the paperwork.
Awesome topic! The skirt covering the lap trick is a failsafe PLAN B after the lock. Also good is the foot against the door but you have to have good reflexes for that one. (Which I have, thank G-d.)
I can’t remember anyone’s ever walking in on me due to my cat-like reflexes, but I walked in on a hairy-bummed fellow last time I dined in Brooklyn.
As an aside, when I was in highschool I was on the phone with a guy friend of mine, when he said to me “I have to make.” I almost wet my skirt laughing at that one, because such terminology is generally switched out after first grade or so. I said “ok” but half an hour later, we were still talking, so I asked “didn’t you have to go to the bathroom?” at which point he said to me, “I’m in there now.” And I thought I had a problem with the TMI thing.
I was at the gramps house, and the bathroom door wouldnd lock. But There was another door before the bathroom that also lead to the toilet. So I
locked that one, but silly me I took out the key. So I got out if the shower and I’m stark naked. And my cousin who’s the same age as me, walks through(no idea how the door opened). To be honest she had quick reactions and quickly turned around. but we barely spoke during that holiday. And didnt speak again till I finally saw her after 3 years a few months ago. The incident has never been mentioned( at least I hope she didn’t :s