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Just got this Shidduch Resume via email

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Received via email from someone who wished to remain anonymous:

I must be living under a rock. A friend just told me that girls are now drafting “resumes” for Shadchanim. The Shadchanim then send a batch of resumes to parents of guys and then they select the girl that their “Best Guy in Lakewood Sons” will go out with. Obviously troubling and appalling on a variety of levels. Much akin to someone looking through the rib steaks at the meat counter at Seven Mile Market looking for the best one to bring home for dinner.

In any event, there is this girl that I know who is in need of a shidduch. Please feel free to pass along her resume (attached) or say Tehillim for her–whatever you think would be more successful. (I’m not doing this for the commission, so please drag into a new email rather than just clicting “Forward”.)
Tizku l’mitzvot.

Bracha Leah Stern
11 Kew Gardens
Lakewood, New Jersey
732-363-6214

blcohen@yeshivanet.com

Summary and Personal

Date of Birth: 3-4-1989

Yichus:
Father is a yeshiva educated day trader who learns two daily sedarim in BMG; has been previously investigated by FBI for fraud but never did any jail time; big baal tzedaka who has been honored by BMG twice; mother is a retired BY teacher; youngest child with four brothers and 11 sisters all living off of the Lakewood General Fund and mechutanim from Brooklyn; other pedigree relatively clean, except for a 4th cousin, once removed who attended YU and is now a successful Ophthalmologist in Teaneck

Parents looking for: solid learner from Brisk or Lakewood with neither a history of college nor foreseeable parnassa plans who will sit in Kollel indefinitely; she is looking for the same; father willing to support 10 years @$75k per year, pending no stays in Otisville

Appearance: dark hair with standard BY hairstyle; 5’4” with dress Size 2 (Mother’s size after her seventh child: Size 8

Shadchan: Mrs. Goldberg of Lakewood (25% commission)

Dating History:
has gone out a few times with no measurable success; feedback from Mrs. Goldberg points to her having the charisma of a carrot

Photo:
yearbook picture available if requested through Torah channels

Education

K-12:
Bais Yaakov of Lakewood

Seminary: BJJ

Post-Seminary: Online program to obtain teaching certificate from Torah Umesorah

Work Experience

1996-1998: Counselor in several backyard camps in Brooklyn and Lakewood

2006-2008: Teacher’s aide in BY of Lakewood

Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist (Based on Interview with Shadchan)

Tehillim: completes Sefer once a week while standing in line at Jewish stores

Mother’s use of Sabbath Mode oven:
not any more

Posek: Rav C. Kanievsky or Rav Elyashiv if his line is busy

Internet: only with Torahnet filter on Tati’s business computer

Use of a community Eruv: never (she’s looking for a Brisker, remember?!)

Indian Hair Sheitels: only if on sale

Seat Belt Use: No, unless pulled over by a female Police Officer

Hobbies: reading Artscroll biographies, Yated, Hamodia, and Mishpacha; challah baking; asking shailos to Gedolim about her shidduch difficulties

Her Preferred Dating Venue: Airport lounges without visible TV monitors

Boys She Would Not Date: guys without BTEP (behind-the-ear-peyos), BT’s, OTD’s who have straightened out; guys whose Rabbeim believe that the Universe may be older than 5768 years old; guys who read Making of a Gadol or any of Slifkin’s books

Ideal Wedding: Chossen and Kallah adopt demeanor combining themes of Tisha B’Av and Yom Kippur; eyes-closed Tehillim throughout ceremony; kibbudim called up in Yiddish; separate everything including parking areas; Simchas Chossen V’Kallah at 10:30 PM; no Onlysimchas posting

Shabbos Table: White table cloth, no plastic covers, no ground beef or plate scraping at the table

Would be willing to live in: Lakewood, Brooklyn, Monsey, Passaic (or Baltimore for a few years)

Music Preferences: Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach

Ideal Chesed Opportunities: helping put out cold beer and cholent at neighborhood Shalom Zachars; assisting with mass mailings from Oorah and Kupat Hair

  • Prag

    Brilliant, it cracked me up.

    By the way, good luck to all those clone-like girls finding mister perfect.

  • chanief

    LOL That’s awesome.

  • http://mamaloshen.blogspot.com Chavi

    This is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read in my life … I love the preferred date spot and the thing about the bad pedigree cousin. OOH! And completing the sefer while standing in line at Jewish stores …

    Made. my. day. Todah!

  • http://www.susqhb.blogspot.com Susanne G

    OMG! Where did you get my resume?!!

  • A23

    The phone number seems to be real, matches the address. http://www.google.com/search?q=732-363-6212&pb=r

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Susanne you changed your name just to find a shidduch???

  • heimish in bp

    the seat belt thing got me. Never heard of that chumrah. Not bad.

    Who came up wit that one?

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    You never heard the seat belt thing and your from BP????

    Its so not tznius for a girl to wear a seat belt because it spreads the boobs.

    I hear they are coming out with a tznius seat belt though.

  • lol

    Charisma of a carrot. Nice. At least carrots are good slathered in chummus, which makes her better off than that Israeli women on Calm Kallahs whose husband decided to spice things up by shoving falafel balls and hot sauce up her… you know.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Hey hey, this is a family site sort of

  • jennthejewess

    Hahahaha good one hesh!

  • Frumbutnotaidel

    The saddest part is people like this DO exist. I recently got a two page resume about a guy – to be honest I couldn’t get past the first page – it was boring!

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Susanne, you beat me to it. lol Wearing a purse diagonally over one shoulder or wearing a sling bag would simply brand one a tramp, then, wouldn’t it? :faints:

  • Anonymous

    I was cracking up and unsure of whether the resume was a joke. :p

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    SB hence the reason why these frummy girls will never be hipsters- how could they ever wear the messenger bag or tight pants for that matter.

    Frumbutnotaidel- I dont think there’s any problem with shidduch resumes- its merely a paper copy of their frumster account- I think that everyone says they get these things but no one has any proof. I reason to believe that all of these “extreme” shidduch stories are all made up in a basement in Lakewood by someone who wants to make people buy the Yated every week just for the readers write section.

  • http://www.lifeofrubin.com ChaimRubin

    I like how they write about Baltimore (but only for a few years …) lol

  • SF2K1

    75K a year for 10 years of sitting and learning? Too bad I went to college.

  • Frumbutnotaidel

    Hesh, I will gladly email you his resume after I redact personal information. It was way more info than would be in a Frumster profile.

  • Anonymous

    Hysterical! You got in right on! For a second, i thought you actually posted a real shidduch resume. lol.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    I doubt kollel is in any way more lucrative then college. Unless you can get more then your BTL- maybe your doctorate in Talmudic Law can get you tenure at a university.

    Frumbutnotaidel please send it over.

  • heimish in bp

    no your BTL gets you into the most prestigious Law Schools, including Harvard and Columbia, depending how you do on your LSAT, so its worth something.

  • SF2K1

    Hesh, considering the average BA Salary, you’re not making nearly that much for a while unless you’re an engineer/otherfancyBShere, and you end up needing grad school anyway to still make less.

    Of course the upside is that you’ve got a job type you’re interested in for the rest of your hopefully long work career and probably don’t have to teach HS when your father in law stops supporting you. :-P

  • KissMeI’mShomer

    Thanks for posting my resume, Hesh. ;)

  • http://snarkodox.wordpress.com KissMeI’mShomer

    Gah, Susanne beat me to the creative punch. Great minds think alike.
    I’d love to see a post of a the shidduch resume of either Nice Jewish Boy or Best Boy in Lakewood.
    Assuming you’re taking requests, of course. ;)

  • Anon.

    I wonder what the commission is a percentage of exactly. Wedding costs? Kollel income?

    Honestly I have no doubt this garbage actually happens. Just those kind of people wouldn’t read anything online other than Yeshiva World and Vos Iz Neias.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Agreed- but that other commenter said she will send me the resume she received- so we will see.

  • David

    But seriously: These hypocritical chicks look for the biggest knuckleheads in the BM and laud laziness and slavish slovenliness. The more you stink and the farther out your Brisker peyos stick out–the more attractive you are to the the ideals of these nincompoops.

    In the meantime, if you ask either the guy or the gal any substantive question, they hem and haw, revealing the very big bone they have pressing hard against their meager brains. Exteriors are so freakin’ important that neither party has ever developed any intelligence or intellect beyond the knowledge of a 2nd grader. Pitiful!

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    “Exteriors are so freakin’ important that neither party has ever developed any intelligence or intellect beyond the knowledge of a 2nd grader.”

    I guess if you call being able to learn gemara all day the intellegence of a second grader you may be correct. Look on the bright side- if what you say is true- its good for all the folks with brains who don’t have to go out with dumb asses. There is no brain drain after all.

  • http://honestlyfrumblogspot.com Honestlyfrum

    As far as I understand it there are many shadchanim out there that make the people they are setting up write resumes. In fact, somone told me that she went to a singles event last year and they were told to bring with them copies of their “resumes” and profile pictures. I wonder if they will soon begin to hold resue writing seminars in frummie girls highschools like the ones they have at business school.

  • http://www.hadassahsabo.com Hadassah

    hesh – hysterical. you had me wondering whether it was real or not, the scary thing is i wouldnt have been surprised if it had been.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Honestly frum maybe they will start having classes at Touro for writing resumes and maybe they can have seminars in hotel conference rooms with stale cake and bad coffee.

  • chanief

    Pretty son the resumes are going to be like headshots – (tznius) glamour shot on the front, details on the back.

    Hesh LOL @ the resume writing seminar visual.

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    seeking shidduch baseball-type cards could be fun.

  • utubefan

    Very authentic except that the Yeshiva Boys Choir is considered inappropriate. Seriously.
    Also, they do attach a picture. I made the mistake of passing one along for my gorgeous cousin who is Yeshivish and the idiot mother sent word back that she needed to know if she was really that pretty! I didn’t answer because I didn’t think that was a real question. Silly me. I get called again because the mother won’t agree to the date unless I verify that my cousin is that pretty.

  • utubefan

    Oh and the resume included her desire to support her husband only until children come. That doesn’t go over well.

  • Huh?

    yeshivanet? What’s that?

  • noch a loser

    awesome hesh! all these ppl deserve eachother.

  • http://Mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com Mikeinmidwood

    I love it when they say that the girl is pretty and so smart that she graduated at the top of her class. It seems that they clone these people and if you try one you try em all

  • http://Mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com Mikeinmidwood

    I love it when they say that the girl is pretty and so smart that she graduated at the top of her class. It seems that they clone these people and if you try one you try em all.

  • http://Mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com Mikeinmidwood

    I hate it when it comments twice. :(

  • Heterim are for Hippies

    I wanna know what she did between 98 and 06 for work. That kind of gap needs explainin’. She wasn’t off experimenting was she??

  • http://welcomebalance.blogspot.com s(b.)

    Hippies, she was on phish tour, and it took a couple of years for her to realize that tour was over. ((i miss phish))

    • Alter Cocker

      Phish is back! Apparently they returned in 2009 and are still touring in 2012.

  • http://chnyock.blogspot.com chnyock

    I just googled the phone number…

    Google (11:28 pm): Residential Phonebook:
    Orlando Cochran
    100 Woehr Ave
    Lakewood, NJ 08701
    732-363-6214

    Tip: get word definitions; send HELP GLOSSARY to learn more.

  • Left Brooklyn and never looked back

    Hesh, this is great. It will only further inbreeding and accelerate the demise of the species.

  • Shevers

    You made her 19 years old…..

  • Ex-wife of BT

    How about a sample resume for a divorcee:

    ’97 – ’98 Threw phones, pots and silverware at spouse
    ’98 – ’99 Threw leftovers, raw eggs and dirty socks at spouse
    ‘ 99 – ’03 Contacted Rabbi #1 for counseling
    ’03 – ’05 Contacted Rabbis all over tri-state area for counseling
    ’05 – ’06 Reached marital harmony thru divorce attorney

  • Anonymous

    LOL @ ex wife a BT

  • anon

    wow! I know a guy that would be PERFECT for this girl!

  • Anonymous

    Shevers- whats wrong with 19?

    how slow am i that i didnt realize it was a joke till halfway through?

  • Shevers

    That she would already be calling Rabbis because she can’t find a shiidduch at 19?

  • Anonymous

    oh come on… 19 is almost 20 and 20 is considered old to some people unfortunatly.

    when i turned 18 someone told me “enjoy it because at 18 youre young , and 19 youre old”

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    19 is the age to get married, but at 20 they start little tehilim groups for you.

  • Anon.

    Gemara says guys should get married at 18. Then again this is from a time where people were actually mature at bar mitzvah.

    I heard a story once of a chasidic Rebbe who got married before bar mitzvah. He was putting on talis before tefillin.

  • Shevers

    Well shoot… I’m over 19 and a half and not even beginning to husband hustle.

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  • not telling

    so wrong

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  • Sara

    eek, I’m just about 21 and haven’t started looking. I guess I get to enjoy old maid bliss :-D

  • http://tevytown.wordpress.com Tevy

    Sounds like it’ll be a fun wedding
    Too bad I won’t be invited (then again who would?)

  • http://www.susqhb.blogspot.com Susanne

    Ha! Loving the repost. Very different perspective nowadays. Also, this is a two-way street. As a shadchan, I’ve gotten more ridiculous resumes from guys than I’ve got from girls. Food for thought.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net Frum Satire

    Susanne – its not a repost, just like to share old links at night.

  • Ezra

    i read this post to my wife, she hates whoever fits into this stereo type. and want to kill them.

    I loved it though

  • perfect

    this is hilarious. for a second i thought it was real. stupid me… yet there are people out there that have these resumes thingy. scary. imagine a guy with a stack of resumes from different girls yet he cant tell the other apart because they all look the same with their BY hairstyles and their aidel maidel look and act. i think im gonna join the wife of ezra and kill all those stereo type wierdos.
    ugh