Every once in a while I get stuck in shul during a really boring speech. Either I couldn’t make a fast getaway during yikum porkun, or I was too busy staring at the girls while they raised the curtians of the ezras nushim for a torah kiss, all I know is that when I get stuck in a really boring speech, its a glimpse of hell for me. For me there is only so much you can do when this happens.
Things to occupy yourself with during a boring shabbos sermon:
Examine the insides of the ear of the person sitting in front of you- I always find entertainment and silently chuckel to myself when looking into someones ear during shul, the icicles of wax may not be everyones thing, but I sure do get a kick out of hairy ears.
Check out whats in the drawers in front of you- some shuls have the drawers for the regulars who like to keep their tallesim, inhalers and secret stashes of herring in the bottom of the benches. Be careful because these drawers were originally designed to be the lazy mans gragger and they make lots of noise for some reason. Also be careful when rummaging through other peoples stuff because the old men who own these shul lockers are usually quick to shout at you in front of everyone.
If the lighting is right, you can practice with your hand shadows. I can do alligators and dogs- but maybe your more advanced in this field and can do those two hand shadow animal manuvers.
Make faces at little kids, always fun, doesn’t even have to be during a speech, although its interesting to see the kid tugging on his fathers jacket to watch the faces this weirdo is making at him.
Pick out the lint and dust from your pockets. If anyone asks why your dumping particles of dust and last years matzo crumbs on the floor during the speech, just tell them you forgot to do tashlich that year.
Similar to the item above, you can clean out your pant-cuffs. You also have the excuse that you do not want to carry anything on shabbos. Who knows you may find some money, I know I have found stray pennies.
If you are in a shul that is angled downward, roll stuff down the hill to see how far it goes. I have been in movie theaters where the ethnic population decided to roll what sounded like 40 oz bottles of Mickeys- down the slope.
Check out the ladies- should have been the first one- but this one is obvious, I don’t need to tell you people to check out the ladies, and if you have one of those barbed wire mechitzas with watchtowers- you are out of luck.
Twirl your pretend peyos. You finally figured out why people grow peyos, its for those long Rebbe speeches. You know you want them, but you also stay true to your Litvishe upbringing and only have the greasy behind the ear kinds- they are great for playing with in shul though, in my days of long hair I would give myself pigtails in shul during the speeches.
Try to pull the kohen hand motions, or at least practice them. I can do one hand, and almost the left one, but not quite- they don’t have long enough speeches in Monsey shuls for practicing my kohen/spock hand signs.
Other obnoxious things you can do, fart and watch peoples reactions, pick your nose (behind a raised up siddur of course), pick your scabs- assur by the way. Pick your toe cheese, crack your knuckles or neck or back, think!
Think of stupid posts like this one.
17 responses so far ↓
1 chnyock // May 26, 2008 at 2:04 pm
read the parsha sheets or be mavir sedra in a audible hum. it helps speed up the speech.
2 heimish in bp // May 26, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Hesh, you really must have run out of stuff to write about, since my hiatus.
But made me laugh, though.
Off to reading three weeks of your blogging.
3 heshman // May 26, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Hiemishe- the last three weeks is going to take you a while. Because the last 3 weeks have been insane in terms of ideas and comments- the comments have been nuts- I’ve been getting a solid 20-40+ comments per post lately- so enjoy.
4 chans // May 26, 2008 at 3:52 pm
How about switching to a shul with an INTERESTING rabbi. They are few and far between, but do exist.
5 Conservative SciFi // May 26, 2008 at 9:00 pm
It was amazing. I was at a different synagogue this week, and the Rabbi did a “bibliodrama” for his speech where he played the role of the prophet Jeremiah. It was educational, entertaining and very very fun. The Rabbi was GREAT!! Apparently this only happens a few times a year, (it is probably pretty hard to write a meaningful speech as a one man play), but it was outstanding. Not only was I fascinated, but my kids, the old lady sitting in front of me, and the bored teenagers were all completely focused on the Rabbi.
Even though my regular rabbi is pretty good, next week’s speech is going to have to be great to not be a letdown.
6 Not From Burqalyn // May 26, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Conservative Dude:
Any Rabbi who tried that in an ModOx shul (let alone an Oreo factory (black hat/white shirt/black pants)) would be declared insane, lose his discretionary fund and have to seek work in what the OU euphemistically calls a “developing” community far from NY.
7 Mikeinmidwood // May 26, 2008 at 10:25 pm
other good ideas
You could take off youre shoes,blow your nose for no reason really loud, put stuff on the hat of the guy in front of you and watch what other people do its interesting to see.
8 Gila // May 26, 2008 at 11:54 pm
1) Bring an interesting book (Jewishly themed, of course) and read.
2) Bring a novel and read that. Replace the cover with something Jewishly themed.
3) Sleep.
4) Write blog posts in your head.
9 Ex-Yeshivish // May 27, 2008 at 3:17 am
I like to rock-climb and I try to figure out how many ways there are to climb to the top of the shul. The aron hakodesh is usually a good place to start. This works really well in old European shuls designed like churches.
10 heshman // May 27, 2008 at 6:47 am
Hey not from brooklyn- can I use that- Oreo Factory- I love it.
Ex Yeshivish- thats very funny, I must ask my brother who is a seasoned climber whether he does the same thing. I also used to think about how I would turn the shul into a skatepark.
11 Shua // May 27, 2008 at 8:26 am
And for the steal, the number one response to “What to do during a boring Rabbi’s speech”…
SLEEP!
How could you leave that out?
12 heshman // May 27, 2008 at 8:33 am
This was supposed to be a post full of the least obvious things- everyone sleeps.
13 Jewish Blogmeister // May 27, 2008 at 12:17 pm
You could make action figures with your hands and have them duel it out. Call it “battle of the hands” and when one wins make a victory noise and gauge people reactions and write it on your blog. You could try paper airplanes but make sure to make them before shabbos please…
14 The Babysitter // May 27, 2008 at 8:48 pm
“Make faces at little kids, always fun, doesn’t even have to be during a speech, although its interesting to see the kid tugging on his fathers jacket to watch the faces this weirdo is making at him.”
I can so picture that. Happens all the time, where kids pull on their fathers sleeve, or get their parents attention to show them people that are acting funny or strange.
About the actual speech part, why can’t you just go out in the middle? make believe you have to go to the bathroom or something and then go out.
15 Yochanan // May 27, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Pretend you are interested in the speech and move your mouth like your saying things like “Wow”, “That’s freakin’ amazing” , and “What the…”. You can add hand gestures too. Stroke your beard (if you have one) and appear inquisitive. Every once in a while raise one, but not both, eyebrows to appear skeptical.
16 heshman // May 27, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Dude we all do the fake head gestures pretending to agree- when we are just using our leverage to get some peripheral views of the ladies section.
17 Moshe // May 28, 2008 at 3:49 pm
If you’re there w a friend, hackle the speech and pretend you’re Beavies and Butthead.
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