The entire hamotzy to challah eating process is very intricate and can seem like it is taking forever. Actually getting everyone to remove their butts from the chairs and get to the faucet can take several minutes. Then getting everyone to wash and sit down is definitely the worst part- I always wash after women, or else I would go nuts. Then you have to wait for everyone to settle down and finish with their last nu’s and uh’s and finally you have to weight for Lot’s wife to be turned into a pile of salt, then the cutting itself can be grueling and finally the distribution seems to be taking forever. Fine the women of the house gets first, I am so not about the order of kids and guests, I believe in first come first serve.
The hamotzy process can be short and sweet or long and grueling, that difference can make the meal, allow a happy transition to the actual food, or bring people to go on shooting rampages at their local school- the power is with the challah cutter, and usually they just don’t represent as they say in predominantly African American neighborhoods. Not representing can take many forms, there are those that think the washing station or sink is like the water cooler at work, suddenly you have half the table sitting patiently and a few folks playing Jewish Geography with the cup full of water in one hand. I think they are lucky that most challah knives are dulled from the hard to cut challah of newlywed years, or else they are liable to see me become to Boro Park Challah Knife murderer.
If I don’t stab them I usually let out an irate “uhhhhhh” or “nuuuuu” but it falls on deaf ears. They just go on talking about the latest sushi takeout or which bathroom cleaner is best, until finally the husband- usually the self appointed challah cutter as well, will try and negotiate a plea bargain with open hands and a couple shrugs of the shoulder. If this strategy doesn’t work he goes for the “Rabbi at Kiddush routine” and starts to say the bracha in an elevated slightly irritated voice.
The whole process just bugs me, for one thing I am usually at the point of hunger where I should be receiving UN rice drops under a hail of rebel gunfire. I am also extremely impatient when it comes to food, in shul I have to do multiple reconnaissance missions while dodging Kiddush bouncers and angry old sisterhood members yelling at me that I should not mess up their platters of week old entamins, stella dora cookies and tooth pick speared gefilte fish balls. Now imagine that you made it past all that, you are about to get to the holy grail and bam someone says to be continued. Actually I do recall that the best Knight Rider episodes were always like that- at least with challah you k now your going to get it at some point- sometimes up to 15 minutes later.
But its not just the wait, have you ever experienced salt shaker sign language and no one understands. You would think someone would have invented an official sign for “honey can you get the salt shaker” but there always seems to be some sort of misunderstanding, because they can never figure out of the downward hand motion is for the knife or the salt shaker which always seem to be missing in action. On a side not I find that figuring out which challah is going to be used- should be decided before the hungry folk are drooling over themselves in anticipation, its kind of like when you get pesicha and you have no idea which torah to bring out.
I also dislike the way most people cut the challah. I was thinking about this, this past shabbos as my friend Chaim, one of the more efficient challah surgeons I have ever seen. Not only does each person get a full piece- none of that portion control- but its done a quick and smooth manner. There were no pieces of challah flying all over the place, there wasn’t a pile of crumbs as is usually left behind by any challah surgeons, similar to the way regular surgeons leave instruments in peoples bellies, challah surgeons will usually leave several small pieces of challah behind in a pile of crumbs, the crumbs usually end up on the table and the small pieces end up in a little memorial to looking like Stonehenge around my soup bowl.
I do understand that dense challahs are the easiest to cut. They usually don’t leave a trail and personally they taste the best. For instance at shabbos lunch this week, someone made this kick ass sweet whole wheat challah. I am a sucker for whole wheat products, maybe because I know its better for you and I also know they tend to have less crap in them and easier to pronounce ingredients, it also happens to be that whole wheat challah is usually very dense and easy to cut. This challah happened to be of the type that could be used as a weapon, it was so heavy. But what happens when you have fluffy challah that cannot be cut so well? Break off pieces I always want to yell as I see the knife struggling through the bread like an icebreaker caught in the Northwest Passage.
I never understood portion control in the challah cutting process. Its understandable if there are 13 people, but when there are 5 people, there is no excuse. I mean you cant say that it gets the bread to people faster because it doesn’t. It always makes challah lovers like myself look like pigs, because you have to keep getting shipments sent down to you. It also leaves people with a lack of confidence in the dust for they might feel awkward to ask for challah over and over again- kind of like the folks that go to Kiddush and get pushed aside by hungry carefree confident people who don’t mind dropping the spoon in the cholent as long as they get first.
On a final note it seems that everyone has a different way of packaging challah and removing the packaging. Some folks like my dad need to have both challahs physically touching each other, others feel the need to only have one of the challahs in its birthday suit. Some people use matzo and I have even seen people cut the matzo and the challah together.
24 responses so far ↓
1 limey // May 19, 2008 at 11:52 am
its all about the knife
2 s(b.) // May 19, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I had some vegan challah on Friday night. It was awesome — nice and dense, but soft, I didn’t even notice the lack of egg. I’ve got to try and get the recipe from the guy who made it.
3 heshman // May 19, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I didn’t even think that challah wasn’t vegan- never realized about the egg.
4 sh // May 19, 2008 at 1:05 pm
just making sure you know that halkhicly you can just simply say “bring the salt” without it being considered a “hefsek”.
also, by most poskim a 3-4 minute wait does count as an hefsek, and so people have to re-wash after waiting too long anyway…
5 jelen // May 19, 2008 at 1:19 pm
ahhhh! whole wheat is so scary to me! whenever i see a whole wheat product i run in fear that it will taste horrid!
6 Anonymous // May 19, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Ahh…posts like this remind me how cool it is that my family has the minhag to wash before kiddush. Everyone washes and shuts up, we sit down and -boom boom - kiddush and hamotzei - done! On to the food.
7 Jessica // May 19, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Unless my brother is at the meal, we never have to wait. He’s the only big talker in the family.
8 heshman // May 19, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Washing before hamotzy rocks.
9 s(b.) // May 19, 2008 at 2:46 pm
okay, beavis. (I’m not going to disagree, though; it’s good to have a reason to walk around, and I’m a big fan of benching.)
10 SUPERFRUM // May 19, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Why don’t you eat by yourself?
11 heshman // May 19, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Because I love people. Just because its annoying doesn’t mean I am going to not have big meals.
Why don’t I just stop being religious- its sooooo annoying.
12 Mikeinmidwood // May 19, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Do you really mean that. what about the religion no meat on Friday or fast for a month.
13 Ruthanne // May 20, 2008 at 12:23 am
Write about YU!!!!!!
14 MidwoodMan // May 20, 2008 at 1:10 am
We talk after washing, no games or bullshit about making stupid childish noises. NOT talking is minhag.
15 jelen // May 20, 2008 at 1:12 am
midwood are you cereal?
16 s(b.) // May 20, 2008 at 7:38 am
“Why don’t I just stop being religious- its sooooo annoying.” -Hesh
Boah, don’t make me mekarev yo’ __! HaKadosh Bar’ch’u has already given you a can of soul power; and it’s time. I said it’s time, my brother; it’s time to build an altar in yo’ heart and sacrifice yo’ soul on it like esah enai before a good hike, like minchah on the top of every mountain, shehechiyanu next to a beautiful stream, like every tree, deer, bird, flower that’s ever stolen your breath. Feel that ruach inside of you!
:Hesh inhales:
Can I get an amen?!
Crowd: Amen!
Can I get a witness?
Crowd: Amen!
What you need?
Hesh: Soul Power.
:knocks Hesh to the ground:
What you got, Mr. [Hesh's last name]?! :horns:
Hesh: Soul Power!
G-d has given you the power — that’s right — G-d has given each and every one of us the power — to get up and rock 13 attributes here on earth!
:male dancers help Hesh get to his feet:
Do you know what it’s time for you to to do?
:horns: It’s time for you to get up, get into it, and get involved! : horns fly out of the gate, there’s a big cloud of smoke, Hesh spins around, I’m off stage:
Hesh: Get up, get on up …
Nice velvet tux, man. You’re too funny, sometimes. (I never said I was, but I had fun writing that.)
17 Hesh // May 20, 2008 at 8:14 am
SB I like- and I hope you understand I was screwing around with commenter superfrum.
On a side note Soul Power is one of the most amazing songs ever.
18 s(b.) // May 20, 2008 at 10:22 am
Of course, dude. That’s why I was tryin’ to save you soul. :p
19 Moshe // May 20, 2008 at 10:52 am
As was mentioned before, not talking is a minchag.
I’m lazy and hate cutting challah, but that’s why G-d invented breakaway challah.
Hesh, if you like whole wheat, check out whole wheat and multigrain from Meyer’s Bakery on J and 14th.
20 jelen // May 20, 2008 at 11:13 am
sb, that was amazing!! now when you say “horns…” you do mean those jew horns we carry around on our heads, right?
21 Lion of Zion // May 21, 2008 at 12:51 am
there is a great shiur by rav wieder on hamotzi at http://www.yutorah.org/showShiur.cfm/720721/Rabbi_Jeremy_Wieder/Berakhot_-_Halakhah_-_Breaking_Bread
MIDWOODMAN:
“We talk after washing, no games or bullshit about making stupid childish noises. NOT talking is minhag.”
there is a big problem with talking between the netilah and the berakhah (a hesfsek that requires rewashing). but once you’ve made the berakhah and you are waiting for the hamotzi you can talk (also after the baal ha-bayyit has made hamotzi and you are waiting for your bread). making child-like noises (”nu” or “uh”) is, according to rav wieder, a simple lack of derech eretz. if you need the salt, just say so.
22 Seth ben Avram // May 21, 2008 at 7:06 am
Hesh I wouldn’t let what the detractors say change the way you post. (I know it won’t anyway) The regular readers of this site are here because we can see the humor in our surroundings. I found this site by accident and have been a regular reader ever since. There will always be people that have something negative to say about everyting. Chalk it up to their not have an ounce of humor in their bodies.
23 heshman // May 21, 2008 at 9:21 am
Damn straight!
Thank you Ari aka lion of zion for your always educational comments.
24 Chananya // May 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I break for yekkies who wash before kiddush. If I didn’t have a “mesorah” I’d def. take that minhag on.
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