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Did you know that Breast milk is parve?

I learned in Israel for 5 months and one of the only actual Torah things I took away with me from that entire time was that Breast Milk and Humans (IE the kind that get eaten when your soccer teams plane crashes on a glacier) are parve. I learned this from the prestigious and hilarious Rabbi Orlofskly at Ohr Someyach of “all men are horny pigs” fame.

Why would I be telling you this rather disgusting yet interesting piece of useless information?

Well because my buddy Sara Silverberg (who wished to be mentioned- so the next time an old flame googles her- they can see she’s pregnant and obviously not interested in them) is pregnant and I feel such an affinity for her – well maybe just her food – but its close enough, that I felt I could talk openly about my business ideas for marketing parve products made with breast milk.

Shavuos is coming up and as we all know it’s time for cheese cake, as we also know the dairy market is going nuts and causing prices to fluctuate wildly. Pizza is three dollars a slice causing frum families to panic because the whole point of living in NYC is so that they can have something “kosher” and cheap to do on a Saturday night.

Considering that Shavuos is coming and dairy prices are still very high, I think its high time for some progressive business ideas. Cheese Cake made of breast milk!!! Now I know what your thinking, man you are one sick f— what is wrong with you. But its not like that, first off cow milk comes from the udder- the udder is just a longer more glorified version of the breast, Go watch them milk cows and come back and tell me you were not somewhat disgusted.

There are many people out there, I happen to know some of them, that feel having milchigs on any hoiliday is too “modern” or “kipa sruga” for them. My old rebbe Sroya comes to mind- he would brag about being a meat and potatoes man- especially on shavuos. They also have a lot of kids and a lot of time to “milk” the cows so to speak.

We could expand into other industries, like organic, non pasteurized- since its straight from the source and its buying local. I for one have always been a fan of buying local- in fact I have always debated just buying local produce and products- especially as the prices equal out and shipping costs rasie the prices of all that stuff that comes from Central America.

Parve Ben and Jerrys for all of you who miss it- due to your conversion to the cholov yisroel lifestyle. Think about it!!!

{ 46 comments… add one }
  • Child Ish Behavior May 18, 2008, 10:27 AM

    Dude. That’s twisted. You want women to be cows. Now not only will they have to ride behind the michitza on the Monsey Bus they can get their own cow car. I guess that is the reason for the new separate women’s Hatzala. The chasidim may already be implementing your plan.

  • Jameel @ the muqata May 18, 2008, 10:31 AM

    Are you seriously friends with Sarah Silverman?

    wow. I’m speechless 🙂

    I assume you know the urban legend…

  • Jameel @ the muqata May 18, 2008, 10:32 AM

    Oh, you wrote sara silverberg!

    hahahaha.

    nevermind…

  • Moshe May 18, 2008, 12:14 PM

    I think the whole breast milk is parve idea originated from guys eating meat Friday night and then wanting so milk to chase it down with 😉

  • yankal May 18, 2008, 2:05 PM

    limeiseh you can’t drink it because it’s treif
    (unless it’s your mother and your below a certain age) it’s actually a gemara somewhere

  • Moshe May 18, 2008, 2:08 PM

    Go find a married guy who hasn’t tried it

  • Frum Librarian May 18, 2008, 2:28 PM

    a) this would be a good way for kollel wives to make money
    b) untrue abou tbreast millk being treif, I checked into this when my kids were newborns. Important info, you know.

  • someone May 18, 2008, 2:30 PM

    all men ARE horny, but are not pigs, unless they act like it. Talking about men in general

  • Lvnsm May 18, 2008, 2:33 PM

    .
    LOL, great post

  • Moshe May 18, 2008, 2:36 PM

    someone, I have only one thing to say to you
    oink oink

  • s(b.) May 18, 2008, 3:10 PM

    dude, breast milk costs many times more per gallon than gasoline or cow’s milk! it’s like liquid gold! (and the stuff it can do is awe-inspiring, as well)

  • SUPERFRUM May 18, 2008, 3:43 PM

    You can get HIV from breast milk.

  • Anonymous May 18, 2008, 4:43 PM

    That is possibly the most disgusting and disturbing thing I’ve ever read

  • chans May 18, 2008, 6:12 PM

    given that milk from a non-kosher animal is treif, wouldnt milk from a human be treif as well?

  • heshman May 18, 2008, 6:24 PM

    Anonymous- then I am glad I did a good job. I am glad you folks liked my weird imagination- I also forgot to say that I laugh every time I read one of those free advertising papers in frummie markets that has Breast Pump Gemachs.

  • sara May 18, 2008, 7:04 PM

    what a chilul hashem that guy made it’s amazing!

  • Yochanan May 18, 2008, 7:27 PM

    Moshe,

    They could adopt the Dutch minhag of waiting 1 hour.

    Hesh,

    This is definately the wrong post for me to be reading in a coffeeshop.

  • heshman May 18, 2008, 8:02 PM

    Hey Sara I know went a little overboard, but I can’t sensor everything I think of- I also felt this to be an interesting torah tidbit.

  • Sara Silverberg May 18, 2008, 8:37 PM

    Don’t worry I don’t make parve cheesecake…

  • derech May 18, 2008, 10:48 PM

    sick fin dude, you sure you aint from the erev rav ? or maybe a Kuzari yid ?

  • Nemo May 18, 2008, 11:17 PM

    Breast milk is completely Kosher and Pareve- Shulchan Oruch considers it “Poresh” (excreted waste)- as long as it’s not had directly from the breast. Humans are considered “Shkatzim,” animals that don’t walk on four legs, and drinking directly is like actually consuming a Sheketz. So basically, you can have it in a glass, but not from the tap.

    The only exception is children until they stop weaning or until they turn four years old.

    Source: Shulchan Oruch Yoreh Deiah 81-ish … under the title “Davar Hayotza Min Ha-Chai”

  • segula May 19, 2008, 6:35 AM

    Ok, get ready to be grossed out. There is a Yerushalmi segula involving breast milk for women who are overdue in their pregnancy due dates, and the consumption of breast milk from a mother who has recently given birth, (it is full of oxytocin, which is the natural chemical form of pitocin). This only works when using breast milk from new moms (as opposed to women who’ve been nursing for several months), since the concentration of oxytocin wanes or ceases every day following the birth. Usually labor begins within 12 – 24 hours after consumption.
    The recipe is: 1 c. breast milk from mother of newborn, 1 tsp. sugar, 1 raw egg white, blended together. What can I say… it works, but you have to be really really desperate.

  • another anonymous May 19, 2008, 9:43 AM

    I must say, you have really outdone yourself. What an innapropriate post. . I bless you that you should find a woman that can straighten you out and help you understand . . .
    And for now, I’m going to need a vacation from you blog. It is beginnning to sicken me.
    Get well.

  • Moshe May 19, 2008, 9:54 AM

    You people need to chill out.
    This is not even one of the more controversial topics in gemarah.
    This is why women aren’t supposed to learn gemarah. If they knew what was there, they’d be protesting outside of every daf yomi shiur.

  • another anonymous May 19, 2008, 10:01 AM

    Moshe- this isn’t about women and gemarah. this isn’t about controversy. and it most definitely isn’t a daf yomi shiur. this is NOT the proper forum in which to discuss a topic like this. its about class . . which heshy, our dear friend, is lacking.

  • Moshe May 19, 2008, 10:07 AM

    It’s a funny topic so it is the proper forum. I don’t think Calm Kallahs is the proper forum for this, but frumsatire is.
    And now to add some fuel to the fire, who here learned about women and snakes?

  • s(b.) May 19, 2008, 11:59 AM

    moshe wrote: ” This is why women arent supposed to learn gemarah. If they knew what was there, theyd be protesting outside of every daf yomi shiur.”

    Do you really think the offended anonymouses in these comments are women? The gemara that I have learned wasn’t offensive or worthy of protest, imo. It was very cool (part of sanhedrin), actually. I’d bet you a slice of kosher pizza the the anons with knickers knots are more men than women.

    also, I forget where we were discussing martial arts yesterday. I study and coach judo, and I know it wouldn’t be super skirt-friendly in randori (practice matches). I totally know what you mean about not wanting to spar w/your wife — the guy with whom I coach prefers to play much harder than I do during practice, and he’s MUCH better off working with the sensei than me. I work with the kids we coach. They’re great, and more my speed (ages 5-14). Is karate more skirt-friendly? A lot of judo footwork would be slowed down if a skirt were worn over the gi.

  • limey May 19, 2008, 12:02 PM

    LOL
    Nemo you;re right on
    from the tap no-good but great in a cup!

  • Moshe May 19, 2008, 12:13 PM

    I took judo for 2 years and yeah, judo in a skirt doesn’t really work that much.
    Karate doesn’t really have ground fighting and kumite is more or less like kick boxing. A wide skirt or a riding skirt is good enough.
    Beating up on 5 year olds? Very nice.

    Maybe the anons will volunteer the information of whether they’re women or men or not married men.

  • heshman May 19, 2008, 12:18 PM

    I love when the comments start going off into tangents- thats the best part.

  • Not an offended anonymous May 19, 2008, 1:30 PM

    I had a friend who had an exended hospital stay and relayed the following to me: There was another family on the floor that was there for a while too. When it was time for the family to go home, the mom brought in cookies for all the nurses and people to whom they had grown close over the months they were there. It was only later on that the mom revealed that her secret ingredient was her own breast milk.

  • Moshe May 19, 2008, 1:35 PM

    I call shenanigans!
    No way this is true.

  • s(b.) May 19, 2008, 2:43 PM

    moshe, I know you’re just busting, but I mostly practice falling with the kids. I don’t just take falls, but if their technique is well-executed, I’m happy to slap the mat. It’s good for them to learn that a bigger opponent doesn’t mean ippon [full point ] can’t be achieved. I’ve been thinking lately that I should practice with ankle weights on, so when I’m in randori, each technique will have more behind it, going in.

  • Moshe May 19, 2008, 2:53 PM

    I bought valeo AW20, 10lb adjustable each leg, on amazon. They’re pretty good.

  • Not an offended anonymous May 19, 2008, 2:55 PM

    To the best of my knowledge, it is true.

  • s(b.) May 19, 2008, 3:39 PM

    cool.

  • urban gypsy May 19, 2008, 8:32 PM

    I am baffled as to how anyone could find this offensive or not hilarious. Great post!

    I have a guy friend (not Jewish) who is constantly talking about this. (Not the parve factor, but about how awesome it would be to use breast milk in food.) He wants to turn it into a business called “Baby Cheese” and make all kinds of dairy products out of it.

    The only people I have ever come across who get this idea are guys. There must be some perfectly reasonable, Freudian explaination for this!

  • Yochanan May 19, 2008, 10:20 PM

    This post reminds me of that scene from Meet the Parents were that baby who knows sign language is trying to tell the guy that the milk in the fridge is breast milk.

  • frumhouse May 20, 2008, 10:44 AM

    My husband and I have thought about this – a breast milk dairy farm for humans instead of cows. Yeah, we are sick people. My only question was, who would be the lucky mashgiach who got to oversee the milk production line?

  • Moshe May 20, 2008, 10:51 AM

    human cow
    NSFW

  • heshman May 20, 2008, 12:16 PM

    Yochanan as always your comments rock!

    Frumhouse eww your so disgusting (in valley girl voice) Mashgiach issues- never thought- you could get a mashgiacha- a good freind of mine is a mashgiacha and knows all the halachos in and out.

  • KissMeI'mShomer May 20, 2008, 2:27 PM

    Since I’m guessing there’s no issue of pareve yisrael, I’m guessing that using breastmilk from non-Jewish mothers should be okay for everyone. (Unless one argues that if it wasn’t good enough for Moshe Rabbeinu…?)

  • Anonymous May 20, 2008, 3:10 PM

    Hmm…milk from non-Jewish mothers? This opens up a whole new thought process. Supposedly, the taste of certain foods with a strong flavor are passed on into breast milk. So, would this be a “kosher” way to taste traif?

    I had a rabbi once who went to some sort of kosher food oddities convention and consumed cow udder. He said the meat had a distinctly milky flavor…almost like getting to eat a cheeseburger.

  • Lion of Zion May 21, 2008, 12:03 AM
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